Soul Searching

Before I get back on with my dissertation I feel I need to talk about this for a while...

The passed two years have been the toughest I've ever experienced in my life, my world was completely destroyed and I am still struggling to make sense of it all. I am still struggling to find some kind of peace and understanding. I feel like after all that has happened I am standing completely dazed and somewhat numb surveying the wreckage of what is left of not only my life as I knew it but also me. I no longer know or trust who I am. I am a fairly independent person, I've always taken care of myself and coped with things by myself. I don't find it particularly easy to open up or share my concerns, usually I don't have to because I am more than capable of sorting them out myself.

Between uprooting my life for the man I love because I wanted and needed to be with him more than anything else in the world, falling out with my mum and my elder sister, moving house, attempting to study a Masters, losing two grandparents and failing my driving test 3 times I feel more than a little battered. I don't just feel like the wind has been knocked out of me I feel like my entire world has been destroyed and I am left surveying the devastation left. I feel hurt, vulnerable, exposed, unsure and like I am never going to be the same person again. Nothing is the same any more, and I need things to be the same because I feel so lost and confused. I need familiarity, I need some kind of security and I don't feel that I have any.

I would never have made the decision to get married and cause unbelievable friction with my family if I hadn't been completely in love and sure of what I was doing. But now, after everything that has happened...I don't have that any more. Instead of seeking my husband out when I need to be comforted or need to talk I retreat into myself. I've become this snappy and grumpy and stressed person that lashes out verbally for no apparent reason.

I'm not stupid enough to believe that there can ever be a going back, be it a place or a feeling, no matter how much it is desired it really isn't possible. What I would like however is to regain some of my confidence, not just in myself but in all the things that I did before and now feel like I've taken for granted in the passed. I wish I could open up to people, to be honest about how I feel and stop pushing people away. Do I do this because I'm afraid of needing someone and them not being there for me? I really don't know despite the age old saying of 'people rarely ask questions that they don't already know the answer to'

I find it sad that I feel unable or willing to connect with people, especially with people that I have always gone to for support before. Perhaps it is just going to take time, and for the moment I am still securing the hatches and preparing to be assaulted again by something else. I don't know. I do know that I have a great deal of unanswered questions that do little to make me feel better or to inspire confidence. I want to be able to curl up in my husband's arms, close my eyes and feel like it is the safest place to be in the world, like it doesn't matter what happens I will always have him like I used to. What really upsets me is knowing that I don't feel like this now and not knowing why or when I started to feel like this.

I guess that is enough thinking about all this for one day and I should get on with writing my dissertation.

Venting

Being that there are times that I find I need to vent or rant, whichever way you want to look at it, I thought I would create a place just for that. Create a space where I can hammer away at the keys on my laptop in a designated place that won't spill over into my other... the right word escapes me right now so I'm just going to go with 'stuff'

Unusually I find that I don't have anything to rant about today... but, it's only early and I'm sure I won't be disappointed.

nothing ventured

Once again I seem to find myself in the kind of place where someone else is judging me without really knowing me or my capabilities, the injustice of that is awe inspiring. It really is.

Is it my problem with authority that makes me question who has the right to weigh and measure someone and find them lacking? Or is the fact that I don't think it is anyone's place to do that? Who died and made them judge and jury?

I'll start at the beginning, why fight tradition. I've been studying for a Masters in English Literature for the passed year and to say it has been somewhat of an uphill struggle is an understatement of monumental proportions. Trust me on this one it has been far from a Friday night out on the beer. Understandably as with life I've had a number of 'personal' issues to cope with along the way, after all this life is no Disney. Remind me to take that up with old Walt, not happy about being lied to there. May be this is me making excuses but my grades haven't been my best, I've let 'personal' stuff dominate my focus and my pride being what it is I haven't been forthcoming in asking for help or admitting to them. They're my problems and I'm not a big fan of sharing.

So, contemplating a PhD going back to my Creative Writing (I've missed it this year in conforming to ticking the boxes of requirement in academic essays) I went to see the department secretary... It went well. Everybody likes to hear their marks haven't been encouraging or particularly strong (reading between the lines not sure you'd be offered a place). Thanks for the vote of confidence. My expression must have said a thousand words, either which way it was sufficient in making her backtrack to add that she's in no way the quotable authority. Keep back peddling lovely.

Any way, I feel quite crushed at the moment despite knowing my grades haven't been particularly good. It is one thing to know something but is entirely different hearing someone else voice it in the harsh light of day. What can I say I'm better at communicating in person, when it comes to putting it on the page something gets lost in the translation - my intelligence it would seem - and things don't come out as they should. It infuriates me, worse it makes me sarcastic.

What do I want? I'd like and I'm sure I can blame this one on Disney too, boy are we going to have one hell of a debate when I catch up with him, to be seen. Truly seen, to have someone look beyond the fact that perhaps I'm not the best at writing essays but it doesn't mean I should be written off. Isn't there anyone out there who can see beyond the clumsy and at times awkward style and see 'work in progress' see that I might be average now but with a little bit of time and attention I could be great? Evidently not. Okay I admit I'm opinionated, sarcastic and disobedient at the best of times - I wont mention what I can be at the worst of times I'm attempting to persuade of my finer qualities - but I prefer to think of it as being independent and spirited with a dry sense of humour. Feel free to agree with me here. Entertaining traits if not good. I just don't want one trouble fueled and intense year to be the thing that is stamped upon me and that I'm known for. Surely the sarcasm should count for something?

I'm not sure I should even bother to apply now, never mind I should more to the point I'm not sure I want to. What's the point? Why set yourself up to be told you're not good enough? I'm a sadistic person most of the time it's true but... well I do have my pride and I'd like it relatively in one piece too.

Food for thought I suppose... better get back to conforming to academic modes of expression and ticking those oh so important boxes of acceptance.

Questions for you...

...what do you do if you have the monkey on your back and he doesn't seem to be finding someone else to bother any time soon?

Why is it that it is always those that you love the most that manage to hurt you the most?

Why is it the one thing that you are looking for is the one thing that you'll never find or get?

Didn't Allanis Morrisette (excuse the guessed spelling not particularly in the mood for correctness at the moment) write a song about such things?

Any way moving on... I don't understand why when you need people they let you down and in such a spectacular manner that you're left reeling. Left a burnt out husk of a person with a gaping wound that just won't heal. It doesn't matter how many tears you shed over it, or how much time passes the level of pain and the degree of hurt just doesn't lessen or go away. It's always there, like that proverbial bad penny or the white elephant in the room that you deliberately fail to acknowledge.

As the tone may well testify I'm in the angry stage (crying stage is getting a tad tedious and boring now, besides that a red and flaky nose isn't particularly attractive on me). A heads up on what stage follows this would be good, so I'll leave you with that to ponder.