Wednesday Wonderings

I'm a little late in posting this one up, but if you read it you'll know why...

I'm a little jet lagged so these may well be a little more random than usual...but probably not because I'm naturally strange!

Why I can only seem to sleep in 4 hour increments with anything from half hour to hours wakefulness in between?

If I should openly admit to not knowing what I was looking forward to most - seeing L again or eating Mexican food?

If I should feel guilty about the above?

Why my sister T feels the need to tell me that she loves me so often? Anyone who knows anything about my relationship with my sister will know why I find this sinister but to be blunt - she's always been more likely to insult me or put me down than to pay me a compliment so saying she loves me...well that's just plain scary!

If people will laugh if I admit to being proud of myself for flying all the way from London to LA by myself without panicking and being tearful? (yes I know I'm 33 but its a LONG way people!)

Why I still feel like I've forgotten something even though I"m here now so it doesn't matter?

If there is any chance of falling asleep again or is this me - up and awake at 4am local time?

Why I thought it would be a good idea to do an hour long kick boxing session at 9am this morning?

If I've ever met a calorie that I don't like?

Why no one else goes as red in the face and looks like they are going to pass out the way that I do when I work out?

What we're having for dinner this evening?

If its just too much like an person to be contemplating taking an afternoon nap right now?

What happened to the vest tops I packed in my bag?  They fitted when I bought them but nut now they're looking decidedly too big (showing a tad too much boob - not cleavage because you could park a bus between mine - but definitely too much boob for comfort)

Why my favourite anniversary card from L to date features me being compared to a fat Labrador puppy?

Why sometimes I feel so alone and isolated despite being surrounded by friends and people?

How I managed to go into the hairdressers for a 'trim' and came out a good 1 - 2 inches shorter? That is not a trim Natasha

Why putting things in a 'safe place' often means you can't find them after?

If this year can get any busier?  Its not even the end of April and I'm exhausted

How long it is going to take exercising and watching what I eat before I can 'look' at myself working out without feeling revulsion?

When I will be able to say that I sleep well?  I really am done with this disturbed sleep pattern!

How being vain escaped me?  Was checked out for the first time in ages the other day - by a guy in the coffee shop and by surfer guys as I ran along the beach - and it felt AMAZING!  What an ego boost;-)

And on that happy note I'm going to leave my observations/musings at that.

Wednesday Wonderings

Almost forgot what day of the week it was today and therefore forgot to post a list of my musings.  Actually to be honest I DID forget what day of the week it was...and I've no reason to give as to why.

On that note I'll just give you the list;

Why I'm so tearful today?  The sun was out, my editing work on John's novel is complete, Pudding's Christening went wellish - got covered in hot wax but it went well, I fly out to the in-laws and L in a few days...but still I keep bursting into tears today.

Why I had to pick the one train home yesterday that only had one engine working and therefore made a 3 and a half journey take 5 hours plus?

How I didn't know that most trains have two engines - one at the front and one at the back - in the first place?

Why would I know the above unless my name was Norman and I was obsessed with trains?

How I kept a straight face when I told H (K's 3 year old) that my beautiful hair that was sticking up in all directions was the result of a hair fairy having come to play with it during the night?

Where my conscience was when her big blue eyes nodded accepting at me?

If April will ever stop being a difficult month for me?

Why lady birds have taken up residence in my bathroom and no matter how often I seem to evict them they keep coming back?

If anyone else will notice that the above statement implies I believe that they are the same lady birds?

What's wrong with the belief that they are the same lady birds?

If earlier today I could have felt any more sorry for myself when I was surrounded by the sound of families eating together?

If it is ever possible for things to go back to the way they were before a - I want to say traumatic but that feels over dramatic - painful experience?

How much I am going to ache tomorrow after my punch bag, press up, tricep extension and jogging on the spot session today?

Why after staunchly washing my hands of B I had to call out to her today to attempt to mend things?

If I'll get off my butt and this laptop any time soon to have a shower and get in my jarmies?

If its being just a tad pessimistic to wonder if I am the person to call on for a favour that won't be returned on this estate?

If anyone else found the tittering and simpering supposed university girls on the train yesterday annoying to the point of wanting to gag and knock them out?

Why I feel jealous and left out that L is over with his parents and sister while I am here?

If I will ever act on my intention to get up and go for a run in the morning?

Why thinking yourself slim isn't enough to work?

Lessons Learnt

I'm back from a few days away...and I learnt ALOT about myself while I was away.

I learnt that family is important to me.
Things have never been the same between me and my family since L and I got married.  I didn't have to learn that because I've never stopped knowing it.  BUT I did learn that I miss what we had before and I feel like I have no sense of family now.  I want to to fix things but at the moment it feels impossible because it still hurts and for the time being I am unable to look at them without seeing the hurt and feeling it too.  I just have to trust that given time things will get better and it won't always be like this.  And I do.

I learnt that I am not good with emotion.
When I feel like things are becoming too intense or that I am expected to talk openly and honestly about feelings ... I want and need to run away.  I am not good with other people's emotions either and I build defences to protect myself against them.

I learnt that I am fed up with L being away so much.
I've confessed this to people often but I didn't feel it like I felt it when surrounded by K and her family; her girls C and H and my little pudding M and her husband J.  I felt like an outsider, a spare part and someone to be pitied especially when they - K and her parents - gave me a anniversary card on mine and L's wedding anniversary yesterday.  My sisters don't give us a card but K and her family did, which is neither here nor there.  It made me angry with L for putting me in that situation, even though its not really his fault and I made my own choice.

I learnt that I do not like being relied upon.
I want to run away when I'm faced with other people needing me.  When I look in their eyes and see their raw need, the expectation and the desire to be reassured that I am always going to be there for them...I want to run away.  I want to tell them that their faith and need is misplaced if they're counting on me.  I want to tell them that they shouldn't count on me because I'm selfish and unreliable and although I have the best intentions I am flighty and I am drifter and so therefore shouldn't and can't be relied upon for anything.

I learnt that I can be a patient person.
I have all the patience in the world for K's children and they never cease to be an amazement for me - when I am with them they make me want to have children and that is an amazement!  BUT that desire doesn't last long!  It is enough for me to know that should I so choose to become a mother...I have it in me to be a good one. 
Most importantly, I can and do trust that I have the patience to wait to heal fully.  When the time is right and I am ready...things will stop hurting and I will stop doubting.

I learnt that I am duplicitous.
I am not good at allowing people to get close to me or permitting them to see my vulnerability, so I always pretend everything is okay and I am okay.  I will, no matter what, pretend to be stronger than I am and therefore someone other than I am.

Wednesday Wonderings

Its been another hectic week for me and I've been working my ass off.  That said I have given in to my whim to go off on a tangent with the fairies for some much needed moments of rest.

Here's what I've been thinking about/asking myself?

Why I seem to have the immune system of a butterfly again?  I'm rolling from one illness into another at the moment and its just rubbish.

Why I just want to eat rubbish when I'm feeling rubbish?

How the sun can be shining and I can feel like I just want my jarmies, a blanket, the sofa and a good feel good film?

What the ... was going on in my head at 3am yesterday morning to make me have a nightmare about being possessed?!  Not good people.  Not good.  I had to sleep with the hall light on after that.

If someone is going to finally move in next door after the landlord allowed the pipes to freeze and then burst, leaking water through all the floors?  They've done it up and fixed it.  Apparently.  I've only seen painters and window cleaners in there but they must have.  Right?

How L managed to arrive at work (overseas) and immediately wrangle the weekend off to visit his parents in LA?

Why I feel like I've been kicked in the head and back?

Who I can call to come and look after me because I'm not feeling well (again)?

Why there is never any sappy films\programmes on that I want to watch when they are precisely what I need?  You'd think with all the those channels one of them would be showing something inane?

If its acceptable to be in jarmies all day?

IF the painters and window cleaners CAN make any more noise???  Seriously guys you aren't meant to go THROUGH the floors and walls!

If anyone else gets grumpy when they're ill or feeling absolutely beat?

Why banks make it SO hard to get anything done and NEVER follow YOUR instructions?


If its acceptable to trott down the road of our estate to drag in a friend's bins in my 'lounge' pants? Yes you heard right 'lounge' pants, I'm not calling them jarmies (even though I slept in them) because they aren't jarmies, they are lounge pants.  In my world.


Why all the things that I fancy eating are things that require too much effort and energy to make?

Failed Expectations, Burnt Bridges and Punch Bags

I wasn't going to post about this because I've been trying to just shrug it off but I have to vent (I'm going on the punch bag in a bit too)...

Okay now where to begin...

About a year or so ago I met this young woman who lives around the corner.  Lets call her B.  She seemed nice enough; quiet, reserved, didn't really talk much in social gatherings.  The more often I saw her the more we would chat and we became friends.

As I got to know her I began to feel increasingly sorry for her, she had terrible self esteem, her husband didn't appear to treat her very well, nor did her in-laws or her own family, she suffered terribly with depression, anxiety attacks and was a regular at her Doctors.  I've lost count of the amount of times she called me for comfort and support when she had walked out of work with a panic attack or because she had been upset by her work colleagues.

I went shopping with her to buy food and gave her advice on what to eat and when to eat to help her lose weight.  I encouraged her to come running with me to help her get fit, lose weight, gain some self-esteem and to help her feel better just by being out of the house.

None of it I minded.  It was a little draining and exhausting at times but I didn't mind helping her out.  That's what friends do.

I didn't snap when she started sending me abusive texts message and emails demanding to know why I wasn't texting her, why she never seemed to hear from me, why I wasn't spending my evenings with her etc, I've posted about it before (see here).  I didn't vent my anger when she repeatedly stood me up to go running at 06.30 in the morning.  I was angry, extremely angry but I didn't take it out on her.

She got a new job and found a new friend and I didn't hear from her so much.  Admittedly I was a little relieved - the constant messaging, dramas at work and phone calls at all times of the day had been exhausting.  We still met up for the occasional coffee or chat and I thought that everything was okay.

Then her new job wasn't working out and she called me to say that she had been asked to leave because her other colleagues didn't think she was right for it but they couldn't sack her.  I was furious for her.  I said that they couldn't do that to her!  I told her to make a formal complaint with HR, ask for what they discussed in their meeting to be put in a formal letter to her and to definitely go back.  They were trying to bully her into leaving!  I advised that she put her shoulders back, stick out her chin and not let them see that she was upset or to allow herself to be intimidated.  She asked if she could come round and I said yes.

She never turned up.

Her new friend called me and text me to ask me to help B draft a letter.  I was curious as to why B wasn't asking me herself but I agreed.

She never asked and I never heard any more of it or from her.

I'm not one to chase people.  If you need me or want me you know where I am.  If you want my help you only have to ask. 

A few weeks ago a group of us ladies went out for a few drinks.  Nothing major, it was just a chance for 4 of us to get out for a few hours.  B decided to come along at the last minute messing with travelling arrangements, but it was fine.  B's husband dropped some of us off in town and it wasn't a particularly easy journey; she wasn't talkative and getting conversation out of her was akin to getting blood out of stone.

We were out no longer than two hours and were just getting our third drink of the evening when she tapped me on the shoulder and said she was going outside to make a phone call.  Five minutes later she's telling me she's going home and left without saying goodbye to any of the others.

Perhaps I should have text her or given her a call to find out what was wrong, but I didn't.  I enjoyed my rare night out (and hang over the next day) guilt free.

To get to the end of my drama I've since found out that B has been telling other women where we live that I'm the reason that she left that evening, me being there made her feel awkward and I didn't make her feel welcome.

I'm stunned.  And angry.  Angry that she's talking about me behind my back, angry because I don't feel like this is justified or deserved, angry because I clearly misjudged her character and mostly angry because its untrue.

Clearly she had expectations of me and our friendship that I failed to meet.

And I've been sitting on this, on all of this anger, frustration and dare I say it hurt, for over a week now.

I'd confront her but...I'm so angry I refuse to feed into her drama.  I refuse to make myself a part of this scandal that's unfolding for everyone else's delight.  I refuse to buy into her sick need for attention and her desire to make herself a victim in this.  And more to the point I refuse, point blank, to give her the satisfaction of knowing that she's got to me.

In my rational this is the behaviour of clever and manipulative woman not someone who has esteem issues, or is timid and lacking in confidence.

Well I'm done with her. She's burnt her bridges with me and that's final.

Now, I'm off to do ten rounds with a punch bag.

Unhappy Bunnies, Glorious Sunshine and Other People's Strange Behaviour

I don't know if its because I haven't slept well for the last 3 nights, or because L is away, or because I have cold sores (AGAIN), or because I have a mountain of ironing and a house that needs cleaning, or because I've been working really hard on my work book editing, or if its because I've developed 3 patches of psoriasis after months of being clear, or if its because I've been blamed for someone else's strange and unhealthy behaviour, or the fact my diet has been terrible for last 4 days but I am definitely not a happy bunny today.

It could be a combination of all of the above, of course.  Probably is.  More than likely is.  Definitely is.

I feel anti social, unmotivated, tired and just a tad miserable today despite the glorious sun shine.

One Without the Other

I love the warmer weather that's hit us here in the UK.

It is fab-u-lous!

My windows are open (all day and night), the birds are singing, its light until nearly eight in the evening (not much to brag about yet but wait till Summer) and I've even got my legs out (definitely NOT something to brag about now - at present they look like two pints of skimmed milk BUT by the end of Summer they will look like two pints of Jersey Cream and that WILL BE something to brag about)  I think I love that the most.

What I don't love and can't stand are the chavs.

Puny, porcelain white, pigeon chested, scrawny young men strutting around the place like they are an Adonis.  Or - and this really makes me grit my teeth - driving around in suspension lowered cars, with a sound system worth more than the car blaring some awful noise that masquerades as music topless.  Classy boys.  Very classy.  Boy do us gals fancy you.

If only I could have one without the other.

Too Good to be True?...

I've got an awful feeling building in the pit of my stomach that I may have misjudged a person and made them a friend when I shouldn't have.

I don't like this feeling, the suspicion and the nagging feeling that I have at all.

I want to dismiss it and tell myself that I'm being paranoid but its persistent.

I don't want to go through life always being suspicious of people, always questioning their motives and not believing in the power of friendship...

but lately my judgement has been off on so many people I've taken into my confidence, into my heart and welcomed into my life and its caused me grief in both senses of the word.  So now I feel I ought to start paying attention to that nagging feeling.

Is it a case that if something or someone appears too good to be true that they are just that?

Moot Points, No. 14, Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan and Other Reasons to Smile

MY ALL TIME FAVOURITE FILM IS ON!

Yes I know the fact that that is in capitals comes across as shouting but...I don't care.  I love this film so much that shouting is appropriate.  In my opinion.

Its 'You've Got Mail'.

My second favourite is 'Love Actually' but that's not on so I'm not going to talk about that one.


I'm sure there are quite a few who would disagree with me or who can't for one moment fathom why I like it so much...but well to be blunt its my blog so their opinion doesn't count.  Right now.

What's to like?  Well let me list the reasons for you;

1. Its a love story - who can, hand on heart, say that they don't like a happy ending?
2. Kathleen Kelly (Meg Ryan) has one of my dream jobs - owning her own book shop with a reading hour in which she reads stories to children
3. They correspond - practically a dead art in today's society - with each other
4. She gets excited about pencils - I love stationery, in fact I love September because it has the scent of new books, pencils, rubbers, pens, folders etc
5. Kathleen's character is passionate about literature - I'm passionate about literature too!
6. Kathleen (yes I know I'm talking about her like she's real but ... well get over it) is obsessed with Pride and Prejudice, I'm more of a Wuthering Heights or Jane Eyre girl but I salute the sentiment and can appreciate her selection
7. Joe Fox (Tom Hanks) pursues her - ah what woman doesn't like to be pursued?!
8. Its got tension - they fight and try to resist to each other!
9. He brings her flowers and visits her when she is sick - read any of my other posts have you on lack of sympathy from a certain significant other???
10. Meg's character is a breath of fresh air innocence - she's not afraid to talk openly about missing her dead mother, or admitting to her own lack of witticism (horrible retorts)
11. Hanks' character is obsessed with The Godfather 
12. I've always wanted to go to one of those street fairs/market that Hank takes his aunt and bother too.
13. I love her apartment.  Sure it would be too small for all my books but I'd have the bookstore to keep all those in wouldn't I?
14. It never fails to make me smile

 To be honest all the reasons I've listed for loving this film are a moot point when I get to the last.

No. 14 far out weighs and totally eclipses all others.

Wednesday Wonderings

Its kind of been a weird but hectic week; L is going away so he's prepping for that, we waved the in-laws off at the airport, I've more editing work (yah for me), I'm still not over this cold and...I've no idea where the time has gone.

So, its been a bit of slow week in terms of going off on a imaginative tangent and I can't say the fairies have been to visit overly much either.  But here's what I've been wondering;

Why L never listens to me?  Pretty much everything I say goes in one ear rolls around a little in the space there and then swiftly departs out the other ear.

Where the warmer weather has gone?  I don't want to have to put the heating back on.

If my mum will ever think before she opens her mouth and thus avoid causing tension between my sister T and I?

What I have to do to unblock my sinuses and finally get rid of this cold?

If and where we might be posted to toward the end of the year?

How I managed to lose nearly 2 kg just by being sick for nearly 24 hours?  Couldn't even keep water down, what a miserable experience.

Why the birds are still avoiding my garden and fat ball?

How I've gone from no ironing to a huge massive pile of it?

Why my nightmares have returned?

Who knew next door re-painting their walls with a roller brush could be so noisy and so infuriating?

Why our walls are THAT thin that next door re-painting their walls is too loud and therefore infuriating?

Why is stubbing your toe so damn painful?

Why just when I have a enough free lance editing work to keep me tied to the laptop does the sun decide to come out in all its glory?

Why L had to rush me around Salisbury's the other evening to make me forget half the stuff I wanted to get?

Why the new ballerina slipper shoes that I recently bought and am SO IN LOVE with are intent upon slashing my heels to ribbons and crippling me?

If I will ever learn to forgive and forget?

If any one else find the go compare car insurance adverts annoying to the point of shouting at the TV?

Why the dust and dirt fairies have decided to take up what feels like permanent residence in my house?

Love and Betrayal and No Such Thing as Forever

The other evening whilst at my mum's I got her to dig out the box of old photos.

Wrapped in a blanket, full of cold and feeling pretty miserable I went through them with mixed emotions.  When my mum left my dad back when I was 9 we left with an overnight bag and one toy.  Mum was in no fit mental state to think pragmatically and even if she was I can't believe that she would have thought for one moment that my dad would prove himself to be that malicious as to deny his only biological child and adopted children access to their belongings.

It took mum and the legal courts nearly two years to have him evicted from the the family home so that we could return to it.  1 adult, 3 children and a dog lived in a room in the top of a Victorian Terrace no bigger than 18ft by 18ft with no central heating until we had achieved this.

Upon returning to the family home we found it had been pillaged and ransacked...all the carpets had been ripped up, our toys and books were gone, our bedroom furniture had been marked and scored if it had been left at all, in the bedrooms wallpaper had been peeled off in places or drawn on, downstairs the wallpaper had been smeared with dog feces, the toilets not flushed or cleaned for weeks, the fitted kitchen had been ripped out and replaced with something that looked like it had been left by a fly tipper and in the grate of the front room fireplace were the remains of our baby photos and the photos from our childhood.

Mum, bless her, managed somehow to save some of the photos - her wedding pictures to my dad amoung them - for me.  I'm always amazed by that when I think about it, I very much doubt that I could have found it in myself to be that bigger person and not throw them away or bad mouth him to me.

Spending time with my father-in law really made it hit home that I have no idea what its like to have a dad or a relationship with one.  Does that sadden me?  I don't know.

It sounds like a complete cop out to say that I feel like that one moment, the moment my parents split and I found out just what type of person my father was, shaped me in a permanent way.  I learnt that no matter how much a man tells you he loves you and that he's going to be there for you forever...there's no such thing as forever.

All we have are heartfelt transient moments.