As you get older the general consensus is that the pitfalls of friendships and relationships get easier, you're adult therefore better at negotiating disagreements and understanding what motivates you. Not so much me at the moment.
I had a friend that I was close to, we got each through some really dark tough times but then as is natural in life, we drifted in different directions once our geographical proximity increased.
At first when I heard about the important things going on in her life second and third hand from others, I was hurt and disappointed that I was no longer her go-to friend.
When she got a new best-girlfriend I was devastated and I'm ashamed to say resolved to hate her, I found numerous faults in her and with this new best friend to justify my jealous reaction. At some point, I took a real good look at my motives and and saw them for what they were - jealousy at being replaced. I began to accept we had grown a part because I was a grown up.
I mourned the loss of our friendship and closeness for a while and then to be honest I got over it, moved on. She had become a stranger to me, when we did get together in a group I no longer saw someone I was familiar with. The things she said and did were a totally different person and I finally let go of her.
Then on one occasion when we were all together she started flirting outrageously with L and with no regard to me or my feelings. She even bragged about it to me in person. I was incandescent with rage, indignation, paranoia and hurt for a long time. Again, I realised those feelings were more about my present vulnerable state and insecurities than they were anyone else. I'd lost a baby, that's no small thing.
I'm due to see her in a few weekends, encouraged and pushed by L, who doesn't understand why we're no longer close, and the hard truth is I don't want to see her.
Even worse than seeing her for a weekend is knowing I'm being surprised for my 40th with her flying out to the US, yet I know her visit isn't about my 40th - it's about her and inserting herself in special occasions where she can have the most impact and receive the most attention.
I can't think of anything worse nor something that I want less than that.
I actually don't need or want her in my life. At all.
Showing posts with label disappointment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label disappointment. Show all posts
Monday, 13 November 2017
Sunday, 31 August 2014
Temporary
I have spent at least one day a week, usually 2 or 3, preparing work and things for the next school year. I even enlisted the help of my mum on one of her days visiting me and all of this I did willingly. Unpaid because I am agency but willing. I have worried that a pre-job offer booked holiday meant I wasn't going to be around to pull my weight work wise, that I wouldn't be ready come September for my class, that I would be letting people down. I have snuck in moments of work on my holiday, checked emails and replied, tweaked lesson plans, booked trips, drafted permission letters, risk assessed trips and bought resources out of my own pocket. All the time I worried I wasn't doing enough and meeting other's expectations of me. I let work erode at my time with loved ones.
A few days ago I received an email from another teacher saying our head was going to change the classes AGAIN! These changes are BIG and render all the work - work she asked us to do in prep for our new classes back in July - void. She tells us this with less than a week to go until the return to school?! She expects the planning and prep to be done but I, for one, am too deflated and demoralised to bother.
I think I reached tipping point and asked L how he would feel if I didn't go back to that school in September and asked the agency for another booking. He said what I knew he would say: we need to get my NQT year done as you only get 5 years after qualifying to complete it and I am already a year into those 5 years. He thinks I need to suck it up until July to tick the box of my NQT and once that's been achieved leave. I know practically speaking he's right but I am so fed up with feeling unvalued and invisible. It seems because I am agency I am not on the company email lists and therefore am never included in on important notifications. I was told I'd have a contract last Easter and that changed to January due to (apparently) missing a deadline for submitting paperwork and I've not had any further reassurances this is still going to happen. I am using the log on details of other staff because despite being there at the school since February, I haven't been added to anything as a member of staff. I am temporary staff, agency staff. All of that pales into insignificance when I think about all the work we've done over summer in preparation for our classes and the children we were meant to have...everything we did we did for nothing, it was pointless and a waste of our time. How's that for feeling valued, for having your work and dedication valued???
If I think about it everything reeks of temporary. Except my excess baggage.
Tuesday, 19 March 2013
An Update
How is the teacher training course going you ask?....well isn’t that a loaded question!
I am really enjoying it. The paper work is a bore, relentless and oh so time consuming. The children are delightful, challenging, awe inspiring and nothing short of little miracles, who have an immense amount to teach adult about strength of character, resilience and honesty.
I admit it is one hell of a roller coaster ride and here is why….
I started the course in state of panic as a last minute entry and applicant with the ink still wet on my paperwork thanks to the MOD.
My first placement saw me experience 3 weeks with a young man who was a stranger to boundaries and a sense of appropriate behaviour.
Just before Christmas the MOD reared their head and we were posted, L to start at his new unit no later than the 4th of January. As a ‘dependent’ (don’t even get me started on that one) I can only live in the house if he is with me and we can ONLY stay in this house if he remained at the unit he was in. You can’t transfer universities on a teacher training course. I was tired, stressed and numb but thought pragmatically about it and kept university informed. As suddenly as that problem arrived it went away. Thankfully.
After Christmas I was penned in to go to a second school placement which was a logistical nightmare for me to get to. I took the problem and my concerns to university and initially they were about as helpful as a chocolate fireguard, yet in the eleventh hour the course director pulled some strings and I was placed elsewhere.
At the start of my second week L was in a car accident, flipping and rolling our little Clio and completely writing it off. I didn’t leave my placement to go to his side, a decision which as weighed heavy on my conscience ever since.
Half way through placement, with an outstanding complaint against L’s CO (commanding officer) he is approached about a job up North. It’s a good job offering us three years of stability, career promotion and more money, but it’s dependent on him being promoted and we still have this complaint hanging over us. Plus, there’s always more, if he’s successful it means him moving up to start the job mid May, leaving me with the same problem of where to live to finish the course. This is still unresolved and to be continued.
The Wednesday of my last week of this placement L is 350 miles away with the army and tells me he’s unwell with stomach cramps and vomiting. I put it down to a touch of food poisoning and being so close to the end of my placement I pay it lip service. The next evening, on which I have parent’s evening and unable to answer my phone I eventually find out his appendix had ruptured the previous day unawares to all and he’s now on his way to surgery. I don’t leave my placement because I have paperwork to sign off for university and my priorities are wrong.
L arrives home sore and unable to do anything for himself, not wash himself, not put his own socks on, not get up off a sofa and with wounds that need their dressings changed twice a day. Bedding and clothing and everything he touches must be changed and washed and wiped down to avoid infection. I am trying to do a Masters level assignment and prepare for return to university. On Sunday evening I admit defeat and that I can’t cope. I haven’t slept and I know I am struggling. I email my personal tutor for a meeting.
On the Monday I am tearful but honest to my personal tutor. She feels I have a good chance of getting an extension due to extenuating circumstances and we go to see the course director. I am asked some frank questions which I answer honestly in turn: I didn’t come to them sooner because I wasn’t aware he was in such a bad way and by the time I did I was still under the illusion I could cope. Plus, I remember the course director’s words that we aren’t to ask for an extension because we won’t get it and we will thank them for it. I take his hospital admittance form with me and I lay it on the line. I tell them I am not coping and what I have to do to look after him. I admit I haven’t slept, every time he turns over or moves I wake, fearful he has opened one of his wounds again. I say, ‘he has a car accident, rolling it and writing it off and I don’t leave my placement. His appendix ruptures and I tell him I am so close to finishing my placement and need to get my paperwork signed off and don’t go to him. I ask them where my priorities are and tell them there is something wrong when I do things like that. I am sent home without knowing their decision but am asked to email over what I have done of the assignment. This I do and receive an email back more or less telling me I’ve done relatively little and they are annoyed with me, but are going to give me my extension as a favour and I am not to do it again.
So, that is how the course is going…I don’t know what to say or how to feel.
I know the course is intensive and I am almost there. I also know I’m doing really well on it, my grades aren’t fantastic admittedly but I have done really good on my last placement and everyone is singing my praises. Yet…this last episode has left a bitter taste in mouth and really disappointed me. I feel let down by university. I won’t be asking them for anything again, I’ll do things the way I usually do them: by myself.
I am really enjoying it. The paper work is a bore, relentless and oh so time consuming. The children are delightful, challenging, awe inspiring and nothing short of little miracles, who have an immense amount to teach adult about strength of character, resilience and honesty.
I admit it is one hell of a roller coaster ride and here is why….
I started the course in state of panic as a last minute entry and applicant with the ink still wet on my paperwork thanks to the MOD.
My first placement saw me experience 3 weeks with a young man who was a stranger to boundaries and a sense of appropriate behaviour.
Just before Christmas the MOD reared their head and we were posted, L to start at his new unit no later than the 4th of January. As a ‘dependent’ (don’t even get me started on that one) I can only live in the house if he is with me and we can ONLY stay in this house if he remained at the unit he was in. You can’t transfer universities on a teacher training course. I was tired, stressed and numb but thought pragmatically about it and kept university informed. As suddenly as that problem arrived it went away. Thankfully.
After Christmas I was penned in to go to a second school placement which was a logistical nightmare for me to get to. I took the problem and my concerns to university and initially they were about as helpful as a chocolate fireguard, yet in the eleventh hour the course director pulled some strings and I was placed elsewhere.
At the start of my second week L was in a car accident, flipping and rolling our little Clio and completely writing it off. I didn’t leave my placement to go to his side, a decision which as weighed heavy on my conscience ever since.
Half way through placement, with an outstanding complaint against L’s CO (commanding officer) he is approached about a job up North. It’s a good job offering us three years of stability, career promotion and more money, but it’s dependent on him being promoted and we still have this complaint hanging over us. Plus, there’s always more, if he’s successful it means him moving up to start the job mid May, leaving me with the same problem of where to live to finish the course. This is still unresolved and to be continued.
The Wednesday of my last week of this placement L is 350 miles away with the army and tells me he’s unwell with stomach cramps and vomiting. I put it down to a touch of food poisoning and being so close to the end of my placement I pay it lip service. The next evening, on which I have parent’s evening and unable to answer my phone I eventually find out his appendix had ruptured the previous day unawares to all and he’s now on his way to surgery. I don’t leave my placement because I have paperwork to sign off for university and my priorities are wrong.
L arrives home sore and unable to do anything for himself, not wash himself, not put his own socks on, not get up off a sofa and with wounds that need their dressings changed twice a day. Bedding and clothing and everything he touches must be changed and washed and wiped down to avoid infection. I am trying to do a Masters level assignment and prepare for return to university. On Sunday evening I admit defeat and that I can’t cope. I haven’t slept and I know I am struggling. I email my personal tutor for a meeting.
On the Monday I am tearful but honest to my personal tutor. She feels I have a good chance of getting an extension due to extenuating circumstances and we go to see the course director. I am asked some frank questions which I answer honestly in turn: I didn’t come to them sooner because I wasn’t aware he was in such a bad way and by the time I did I was still under the illusion I could cope. Plus, I remember the course director’s words that we aren’t to ask for an extension because we won’t get it and we will thank them for it. I take his hospital admittance form with me and I lay it on the line. I tell them I am not coping and what I have to do to look after him. I admit I haven’t slept, every time he turns over or moves I wake, fearful he has opened one of his wounds again. I say, ‘he has a car accident, rolling it and writing it off and I don’t leave my placement. His appendix ruptures and I tell him I am so close to finishing my placement and need to get my paperwork signed off and don’t go to him. I ask them where my priorities are and tell them there is something wrong when I do things like that. I am sent home without knowing their decision but am asked to email over what I have done of the assignment. This I do and receive an email back more or less telling me I’ve done relatively little and they are annoyed with me, but are going to give me my extension as a favour and I am not to do it again.
So, that is how the course is going…I don’t know what to say or how to feel.
I know the course is intensive and I am almost there. I also know I’m doing really well on it, my grades aren’t fantastic admittedly but I have done really good on my last placement and everyone is singing my praises. Yet…this last episode has left a bitter taste in mouth and really disappointed me. I feel let down by university. I won’t be asking them for anything again, I’ll do things the way I usually do them: by myself.
Wednesday, 18 July 2012
One of Those Days...
Ever heard the line 'some mornings I wake up grumpy, the others I just let her sleep'?
Well that's me today.
I woke up grumpy and sullen.
I spent a night trying to extricate myself from under a heavily sleeping L. Oh there was no sex involved, not even anything remotely kinky, just him needing to sleep 'touching' me which meant half on me.
I wasn't even out of the bed this morning before he was attempting to claim what space was left over my side. Seriously wanted to scream this morning.
Plus, as you know I'm volunteering (working for free) in a local primary school in order to obtain the required classroom observation experience for my teacher training course come September. I've been told where I should go I.e which year groups and for how long...and I've spent nearly 2 weeks in Early Years Foundation classes and only half a day in year 1!
I know I have to be teacher and school led but I'm seriously disappointed because I feel like the school have taken advantage of me. They know why I'm volunteering and what it's for, yet they've still had me locked away in Early Years.
To make matters worse this afternoon I spent the whole time wrapping gifts for the pupils - that's not learning anything and tomorrow I have 'lots of little jobs' to look forward to.
Well that's me today.
I woke up grumpy and sullen.
I spent a night trying to extricate myself from under a heavily sleeping L. Oh there was no sex involved, not even anything remotely kinky, just him needing to sleep 'touching' me which meant half on me.
I wasn't even out of the bed this morning before he was attempting to claim what space was left over my side. Seriously wanted to scream this morning.
Plus, as you know I'm volunteering (working for free) in a local primary school in order to obtain the required classroom observation experience for my teacher training course come September. I've been told where I should go I.e which year groups and for how long...and I've spent nearly 2 weeks in Early Years Foundation classes and only half a day in year 1!
I know I have to be teacher and school led but I'm seriously disappointed because I feel like the school have taken advantage of me. They know why I'm volunteering and what it's for, yet they've still had me locked away in Early Years.
To make matters worse this afternoon I spent the whole time wrapping gifts for the pupils - that's not learning anything and tomorrow I have 'lots of little jobs' to look forward to.
Wednesday, 7 September 2011
Not my Finest Hour
I know today is meant to be a Wednesday Wondering day but I've been too caught up in reality to permit myself time to stray down the path of whimsical musings, but to deprive you of something to laugh about read on...
L has always wanted to go to Go Ape. It's an adventure park built about 20ft from the ground in which you navigate various different rope walk ways etc. Have a look on www.goape.co.uk and you'll get the drift.
I've always said a flat out NO, for lots of reasons but namely 1 I'm a COWARD. I'm scared of heights - it is a good thing that I'm only 5ft because if I were any taller I would probably never stand up - I don't like things that feel like a 'test' (bravery, daringness, ability to look cool) but really I'm just a scaredy cat.
But the other day I said I'd give it a go. I felt brave. I'd climbed about 15 or 20ft in climbing and touched the top of a climb, so quite clearly I thought Everest was next on the cards for me...
My decision to go wasn't just a product of the 'man up' conversation I'd had with myself it had a lot to do with feeling like L was missing out because I was being such a girl (plus it was getting a tad tedious having people laugh at me).
So I said yes and we went today.....and if you're waiting for me to gush about how fantastic it was and how stupid I've been making a fuss about it all you're going to be waiting a long time. I climbed the ladder, froze and then spent 20 minutes crying (like a girl) before I came back down. I followed L around on the ground while he had a ball swinging 20ft above me. I walked around n a harness and holding on to my safety bits ON THE GROUND.
Not my finest hour.
Guess I'll be putting up with everyone laughing at me for a bit longer.
L has always wanted to go to Go Ape. It's an adventure park built about 20ft from the ground in which you navigate various different rope walk ways etc. Have a look on www.goape.co.uk and you'll get the drift.
I've always said a flat out NO, for lots of reasons but namely 1 I'm a COWARD. I'm scared of heights - it is a good thing that I'm only 5ft because if I were any taller I would probably never stand up - I don't like things that feel like a 'test' (bravery, daringness, ability to look cool) but really I'm just a scaredy cat.
But the other day I said I'd give it a go. I felt brave. I'd climbed about 15 or 20ft in climbing and touched the top of a climb, so quite clearly I thought Everest was next on the cards for me...
My decision to go wasn't just a product of the 'man up' conversation I'd had with myself it had a lot to do with feeling like L was missing out because I was being such a girl (plus it was getting a tad tedious having people laugh at me).
So I said yes and we went today.....and if you're waiting for me to gush about how fantastic it was and how stupid I've been making a fuss about it all you're going to be waiting a long time. I climbed the ladder, froze and then spent 20 minutes crying (like a girl) before I came back down. I followed L around on the ground while he had a ball swinging 20ft above me. I walked around n a harness and holding on to my safety bits ON THE GROUND.
Not my finest hour.
Guess I'll be putting up with everyone laughing at me for a bit longer.
Monday, 11 April 2011
Failed Expectations, Burnt Bridges and Punch Bags
I wasn't going to post about this because I've been trying to just shrug it off but I have to vent (I'm going on the punch bag in a bit too)...
Okay now where to begin...
About a year or so ago I met this young woman who lives around the corner. Lets call her B. She seemed nice enough; quiet, reserved, didn't really talk much in social gatherings. The more often I saw her the more we would chat and we became friends.
As I got to know her I began to feel increasingly sorry for her, she had terrible self esteem, her husband didn't appear to treat her very well, nor did her in-laws or her own family, she suffered terribly with depression, anxiety attacks and was a regular at her Doctors. I've lost count of the amount of times she called me for comfort and support when she had walked out of work with a panic attack or because she had been upset by her work colleagues.
I went shopping with her to buy food and gave her advice on what to eat and when to eat to help her lose weight. I encouraged her to come running with me to help her get fit, lose weight, gain some self-esteem and to help her feel better just by being out of the house.
None of it I minded. It was a little draining and exhausting at times but I didn't mind helping her out. That's what friends do.
I didn't snap when she started sending me abusive texts message and emails demanding to know why I wasn't texting her, why she never seemed to hear from me, why I wasn't spending my evenings with her etc, I've posted about it before (see here). I didn't vent my anger when she repeatedly stood me up to go running at 06.30 in the morning. I was angry, extremely angry but I didn't take it out on her.
She got a new job and found a new friend and I didn't hear from her so much. Admittedly I was a little relieved - the constant messaging, dramas at work and phone calls at all times of the day had been exhausting. We still met up for the occasional coffee or chat and I thought that everything was okay.
Then her new job wasn't working out and she called me to say that she had been asked to leave because her other colleagues didn't think she was right for it but they couldn't sack her. I was furious for her. I said that they couldn't do that to her! I told her to make a formal complaint with HR, ask for what they discussed in their meeting to be put in a formal letter to her and to definitely go back. They were trying to bully her into leaving! I advised that she put her shoulders back, stick out her chin and not let them see that she was upset or to allow herself to be intimidated. She asked if she could come round and I said yes.
She never turned up.
Her new friend called me and text me to ask me to help B draft a letter. I was curious as to why B wasn't asking me herself but I agreed.
She never asked and I never heard any more of it or from her.
I'm not one to chase people. If you need me or want me you know where I am. If you want my help you only have to ask.
A few weeks ago a group of us ladies went out for a few drinks. Nothing major, it was just a chance for 4 of us to get out for a few hours. B decided to come along at the last minute messing with travelling arrangements, but it was fine. B's husband dropped some of us off in town and it wasn't a particularly easy journey; she wasn't talkative and getting conversation out of her was akin to getting blood out of stone.
We were out no longer than two hours and were just getting our third drink of the evening when she tapped me on the shoulder and said she was going outside to make a phone call. Five minutes later she's telling me she's going home and left without saying goodbye to any of the others.
Perhaps I should have text her or given her a call to find out what was wrong, but I didn't. I enjoyed my rare night out (and hang over the next day) guilt free.
To get to the end of my drama I've since found out that B has been telling other women where we live that I'm the reason that she left that evening, me being there made her feel awkward and I didn't make her feel welcome.
I'm stunned. And angry. Angry that she's talking about me behind my back, angry because I don't feel like this is justified or deserved, angry because I clearly misjudged her character and mostly angry because its untrue.
Clearly she had expectations of me and our friendship that I failed to meet.
And I've been sitting on this, on all of this anger, frustration and dare I say it hurt, for over a week now.
I'd confront her but...I'm so angry I refuse to feed into her drama. I refuse to make myself a part of this scandal that's unfolding for everyone else's delight. I refuse to buy into her sick need for attention and her desire to make herself a victim in this. And more to the point I refuse, point blank, to give her the satisfaction of knowing that she's got to me.
In my rational this is the behaviour of clever and manipulative woman not someone who has esteem issues, or is timid and lacking in confidence.
Well I'm done with her. She's burnt her bridges with me and that's final.
Now, I'm off to do ten rounds with a punch bag.
Okay now where to begin...
About a year or so ago I met this young woman who lives around the corner. Lets call her B. She seemed nice enough; quiet, reserved, didn't really talk much in social gatherings. The more often I saw her the more we would chat and we became friends.
As I got to know her I began to feel increasingly sorry for her, she had terrible self esteem, her husband didn't appear to treat her very well, nor did her in-laws or her own family, she suffered terribly with depression, anxiety attacks and was a regular at her Doctors. I've lost count of the amount of times she called me for comfort and support when she had walked out of work with a panic attack or because she had been upset by her work colleagues.
I went shopping with her to buy food and gave her advice on what to eat and when to eat to help her lose weight. I encouraged her to come running with me to help her get fit, lose weight, gain some self-esteem and to help her feel better just by being out of the house.
None of it I minded. It was a little draining and exhausting at times but I didn't mind helping her out. That's what friends do.
I didn't snap when she started sending me abusive texts message and emails demanding to know why I wasn't texting her, why she never seemed to hear from me, why I wasn't spending my evenings with her etc, I've posted about it before (see here). I didn't vent my anger when she repeatedly stood me up to go running at 06.30 in the morning. I was angry, extremely angry but I didn't take it out on her.
She got a new job and found a new friend and I didn't hear from her so much. Admittedly I was a little relieved - the constant messaging, dramas at work and phone calls at all times of the day had been exhausting. We still met up for the occasional coffee or chat and I thought that everything was okay.
Then her new job wasn't working out and she called me to say that she had been asked to leave because her other colleagues didn't think she was right for it but they couldn't sack her. I was furious for her. I said that they couldn't do that to her! I told her to make a formal complaint with HR, ask for what they discussed in their meeting to be put in a formal letter to her and to definitely go back. They were trying to bully her into leaving! I advised that she put her shoulders back, stick out her chin and not let them see that she was upset or to allow herself to be intimidated. She asked if she could come round and I said yes.
She never turned up.
Her new friend called me and text me to ask me to help B draft a letter. I was curious as to why B wasn't asking me herself but I agreed.
She never asked and I never heard any more of it or from her.
I'm not one to chase people. If you need me or want me you know where I am. If you want my help you only have to ask.
A few weeks ago a group of us ladies went out for a few drinks. Nothing major, it was just a chance for 4 of us to get out for a few hours. B decided to come along at the last minute messing with travelling arrangements, but it was fine. B's husband dropped some of us off in town and it wasn't a particularly easy journey; she wasn't talkative and getting conversation out of her was akin to getting blood out of stone.
We were out no longer than two hours and were just getting our third drink of the evening when she tapped me on the shoulder and said she was going outside to make a phone call. Five minutes later she's telling me she's going home and left without saying goodbye to any of the others.
Perhaps I should have text her or given her a call to find out what was wrong, but I didn't. I enjoyed my rare night out (and hang over the next day) guilt free.
To get to the end of my drama I've since found out that B has been telling other women where we live that I'm the reason that she left that evening, me being there made her feel awkward and I didn't make her feel welcome.
I'm stunned. And angry. Angry that she's talking about me behind my back, angry because I don't feel like this is justified or deserved, angry because I clearly misjudged her character and mostly angry because its untrue.
Clearly she had expectations of me and our friendship that I failed to meet.
And I've been sitting on this, on all of this anger, frustration and dare I say it hurt, for over a week now.
I'd confront her but...I'm so angry I refuse to feed into her drama. I refuse to make myself a part of this scandal that's unfolding for everyone else's delight. I refuse to buy into her sick need for attention and her desire to make herself a victim in this. And more to the point I refuse, point blank, to give her the satisfaction of knowing that she's got to me.
In my rational this is the behaviour of clever and manipulative woman not someone who has esteem issues, or is timid and lacking in confidence.
Well I'm done with her. She's burnt her bridges with me and that's final.
Now, I'm off to do ten rounds with a punch bag.
Thursday, 9 December 2010
Youthful Arrogance = Adult Disappointment
*sigh* I'm not in a good place.
I feel like I am well and truly up shit creek without the proverbial paddle.
Things aren't going according to plan A and I don't have a plan B.
Worse I've no idea WHERE to even look for a plan B, or any alternative plan for that matter.
I know I need advice and some help but I don't know where to look or who to ask. The places and people I've tried have been about as helpful as a chocolate fire guard.
The advert made it look so easy with their catchy statement 'Those that can teach"
I want to teach. I want to be a teacher.
Six years ago, during my undergraduate degree, I took a module titled 'Children and Language' At the time I didn't have any particular interest in children or babies, and I was finding the Linguistic part of my degree hard. The Children and Language module spoke to my curiosity though, it called to my imagination and I LOVED every minute of it. I was totally awed and knocked off my feet by how children acquire language.
It amazed me. I got goose bumps, the hair on my head felt like it was standing on end - and not because I just hadn't brushed it that morning - and my stomach literally flipped with the awesomeness of it. I knew there and then that I wanted to be a part of that learning, I wanted to help and play an active role in furthering their pursuit of knowledge.
School wasn't fun for me. I didn't particularly like learning - it has always felt like some kind of test that I feel like I am failing - but that doesn't mean that I'm not passionate about it though. And if I'm honest I don't think it was the learning that I didn't like but more the environment ... my teachers weren't great, one regularly used ritual humiliation and fear as a teaching mechanism. Not conducive to learning or to inciting a person to want to remain in education.
Perhaps it is too idealistic of me but I really do believe that if you can create enthusiasm in children about school and learning, if you can speak to and capture their imagination when they are young enough...may be, just may be we will have more going on to college and university. May be, just may be they won't end like me...going back as an adult and finding it soul destroying to be falling down at so many obstacles.
Better still may be they will have got it right the first time and won't find themselves in my situation; really wanting to be something and not having thought about being anything else only to discover its not going to happen.
Hopefully they won't have to learn the hard way like me that youthful arrogance = adult disappointment.
I feel like I am well and truly up shit creek without the proverbial paddle.
Things aren't going according to plan A and I don't have a plan B.
Worse I've no idea WHERE to even look for a plan B, or any alternative plan for that matter.
I know I need advice and some help but I don't know where to look or who to ask. The places and people I've tried have been about as helpful as a chocolate fire guard.
The advert made it look so easy with their catchy statement 'Those that can teach"
I want to teach. I want to be a teacher.
Six years ago, during my undergraduate degree, I took a module titled 'Children and Language' At the time I didn't have any particular interest in children or babies, and I was finding the Linguistic part of my degree hard. The Children and Language module spoke to my curiosity though, it called to my imagination and I LOVED every minute of it. I was totally awed and knocked off my feet by how children acquire language.
It amazed me. I got goose bumps, the hair on my head felt like it was standing on end - and not because I just hadn't brushed it that morning - and my stomach literally flipped with the awesomeness of it. I knew there and then that I wanted to be a part of that learning, I wanted to help and play an active role in furthering their pursuit of knowledge.
School wasn't fun for me. I didn't particularly like learning - it has always felt like some kind of test that I feel like I am failing - but that doesn't mean that I'm not passionate about it though. And if I'm honest I don't think it was the learning that I didn't like but more the environment ... my teachers weren't great, one regularly used ritual humiliation and fear as a teaching mechanism. Not conducive to learning or to inciting a person to want to remain in education.
Perhaps it is too idealistic of me but I really do believe that if you can create enthusiasm in children about school and learning, if you can speak to and capture their imagination when they are young enough...may be, just may be we will have more going on to college and university. May be, just may be they won't end like me...going back as an adult and finding it soul destroying to be falling down at so many obstacles.
Better still may be they will have got it right the first time and won't find themselves in my situation; really wanting to be something and not having thought about being anything else only to discover its not going to happen.
Hopefully they won't have to learn the hard way like me that youthful arrogance = adult disappointment.
Tuesday, 23 November 2010
Someone want to help me up here?...
Rejection of any kind, in any circumstance, is always a challenge to deal with.
Picking yourself up can be more challenging though.
I applied for a job as an Admin Assistant for a private medical group.
Had the telephone interview, during which I was really nervous to the point of being guilty of all the usual things; getting a little tongue tied, rambling a little, going off on a tangent and may be once forgetting what point I was trying to make.
BUT...they were however, impressed enough to offer me a face-to-face (I know I'm surprised too!)
The face-to-face interview was...different. My interviewer was running half hour late, personally I dis-like lateness because I believe it equates to tardiness, however that is usually a rule I apply to interviwees (yeah, yeah I know strict and harsh). Then she made me go through my CV BACKWARDS, as in EVERYTHING that I've done from the age of 18 - 32.
Any one who knows me knows that I have an extraordinary memory, I can remember being in the pram, I can remember precise and very fine details of just about...the oddest things. No short term memory but I have been drunk once or twice (okay ALOT) and I did used to smoke weed - yes this intense control freak, who needs 8 hours sleep a night not to wake up grumpy and with the immune system of a butterfly used, that is USED, to be a bit of a wild child. You can stop laughing, I don't think its that funny or far fetched.
Hhhmm it seems I have the attention span of a butterfly as well as it's immune system. Noted but moving on...
...so this reciting of everything I've done wasn't a challenge in any way, shape or form. I was in there for the better part of an hour and it went well. It wasn't great but it did go well. I liked my interviewer, she struck me as a 'take no prisoner' type of woman; focused, driven, firm but fair up to the point she fells like you have tried to abuse her trust and then its a case of humbly apologise profusely and then hide. Don't draw attention to yourself, keep your head down and work your butt off to regain what you so carelessly trashed. Can't argue or find fault in that.
They were meant to call me Friday to let me know. Friday came and went... and nothing. Maybe instinctively I knew this was a bad thing because suddenly getting it/not getting it didn't matter so much. I was okay with 'what will be, will be' and had accepted that the world wouldn't end.
I chilled out with friends over the weekend and put it out of my mind. Stressing about it and worrying wasn't going to achieve anything, so what was the point?
Monday came...and again nothing. Then this morning I checked and I had an email...I didn't get the job.
Am I gutted?...Well, yeah I am for a myriad of reasons. I did truly think I would be good at it and that they would soon see how much of an asset I am. I'm a really hard worker, I like challenges and I like to roll my sleeves up and get stuck in. I like organising, I like feeling like I am on top of things, I like pre-empting other people's needs, not to please but because I think it shows my ability to think well on my feet and because it shouts perfection to me (yes I have serious control issues). But mostly I'm gutted because my confidence needed this job more than my ego.
Things have been tough and I just needed a little boost. I needed to regain a little faith in myself and my capabilities and my worth. So yes I am gutted.
And I am trying not to let it knock me off my feet so I don't have to pick myself up. Again.
Picking yourself up can be more challenging though.
I applied for a job as an Admin Assistant for a private medical group.
Had the telephone interview, during which I was really nervous to the point of being guilty of all the usual things; getting a little tongue tied, rambling a little, going off on a tangent and may be once forgetting what point I was trying to make.
BUT...they were however, impressed enough to offer me a face-to-face (I know I'm surprised too!)
The face-to-face interview was...different. My interviewer was running half hour late, personally I dis-like lateness because I believe it equates to tardiness, however that is usually a rule I apply to interviwees (yeah, yeah I know strict and harsh). Then she made me go through my CV BACKWARDS, as in EVERYTHING that I've done from the age of 18 - 32.
Any one who knows me knows that I have an extraordinary memory, I can remember being in the pram, I can remember precise and very fine details of just about...the oddest things. No short term memory but I have been drunk once or twice (okay ALOT) and I did used to smoke weed - yes this intense control freak, who needs 8 hours sleep a night not to wake up grumpy and with the immune system of a butterfly used, that is USED, to be a bit of a wild child. You can stop laughing, I don't think its that funny or far fetched.
Hhhmm it seems I have the attention span of a butterfly as well as it's immune system. Noted but moving on...
...so this reciting of everything I've done wasn't a challenge in any way, shape or form. I was in there for the better part of an hour and it went well. It wasn't great but it did go well. I liked my interviewer, she struck me as a 'take no prisoner' type of woman; focused, driven, firm but fair up to the point she fells like you have tried to abuse her trust and then its a case of humbly apologise profusely and then hide. Don't draw attention to yourself, keep your head down and work your butt off to regain what you so carelessly trashed. Can't argue or find fault in that.
They were meant to call me Friday to let me know. Friday came and went... and nothing. Maybe instinctively I knew this was a bad thing because suddenly getting it/not getting it didn't matter so much. I was okay with 'what will be, will be' and had accepted that the world wouldn't end.
I chilled out with friends over the weekend and put it out of my mind. Stressing about it and worrying wasn't going to achieve anything, so what was the point?
Monday came...and again nothing. Then this morning I checked and I had an email...I didn't get the job.
Am I gutted?...Well, yeah I am for a myriad of reasons. I did truly think I would be good at it and that they would soon see how much of an asset I am. I'm a really hard worker, I like challenges and I like to roll my sleeves up and get stuck in. I like organising, I like feeling like I am on top of things, I like pre-empting other people's needs, not to please but because I think it shows my ability to think well on my feet and because it shouts perfection to me (yes I have serious control issues). But mostly I'm gutted because my confidence needed this job more than my ego.
Things have been tough and I just needed a little boost. I needed to regain a little faith in myself and my capabilities and my worth. So yes I am gutted.
And I am trying not to let it knock me off my feet so I don't have to pick myself up. Again.
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