One of the things, and trust me there have been many, that people have neglected to tell me about pregnancy is the mood swings. In particular the anger.
By my very nature I am a worrier, have control issues, am an internaliser and am a perfectionist. Have kind of set myself up for constant failure with those attributes.
I have come to realise in the last month that I've turned into the female version of the hulk, you know losing my temper, no one likes me when I'm angry and generally wanting to smash things. I seem to have the urge to punch people in the throat when my temper flares, luckily for me I've not given in to that.
So many people said, "It's the hormones" and I played lip service to it, I mean I'm meant to be glowing right? I'm meant to have that second trimester-have-stopped-decorating-car-parks-with-vomit-glow, not the radioactive I'm-counting-to-a-million-to-stop-me-from-punching-you-in-the-throat or unleashing-sarcastic-hell-that-will-make-you-cry red that I'm currently rocking.
Having googled pregnancy and anger I don't feel so unhinged or alone, but how did no one tell me about this?????
I dropped L off at the train station so he could go into London to meet his friends, poor bloke deserves a reprieve, came home and sobbed for the better part of an hour. I don't recognise myself and the perfectionist in me won't accept that everyone else is walking around like they are on eggshells around me accepting that it is 'just the hormones'. I'm mortified. I'm ashamed. Worst of all I feel like I've no control over my emotions, or just about any facet of my life, at the moment.
Work is stressful - when is it not - with a Teaching Assistant who is about as useful as titts on a fish and a job share partner covering maternity leave that is leaving me 'to pick up the slack' while she finds her feet. Oh, and did I mention a parent made a complaint against me because she sent her child into school with shorts and a t-shirt to do outdoor PE in (like about 90% of the other parents) and I let the lesson go ahead with the insistence that all children wear at least a jumper?
To say I feel overwhelmed, out of control, fearful that I'm going to be the worst parent in the world and like I really just 'don't want to people' is an understatement.
