Wednesday Wonderings

Am not a happy camper today, but in an effort to cheer myself up here some of things that I've been giving thought to....

Why, in this day and age, are we still being given the advice that military wives are not to unload their troubles on husbands?  I guess equality really is a myth.

Why I'm suffering with insomnia again?

Why I'm off food altogether?  Even chocolate and cake. 

Where I was when Mother Nature was giving out the shopping gene?  Unless it's food shopping it's a chore.

Did I really describe someone has having a personality like a cheese grater - abrasive and grating?  That would be a yes then.

When I am going to remember to engage my brain before I engage my mouth?  Probably not any time soon.

Do I really have to be in work for 08:00 on Friday?  That would be yet another yes.

When I am going to learn to say 'no' to people?  Hhmm better start practising in front of the mirror.

I know I have broad shoulder but I how much more can I take on before I collapse?

What was on my mind Monday evening before I went to bed to make me dream of a guy I dated when I was 16 or 17?

What made me think it was a good idea to volunteer and thus give up my Saturday to manage a friend's organic products stall while she has a day out with her husband?  Practise saying 'no' T, come on say it with me...'No'  Good girl, now say it with conviction.

Where I was when Mother Nature was giving out of the gift of 'forgiving and forgetting'?  Guess I only lined up for the 'good memory' one.

Was the teacher who said I was 'so unbelievably patient and such a calm person' being serious or sarcastic?  She looked sincere but...well it's me for a start and I'm the most terse, impatient and sarcastic person that I know.  Maybe there was some one taller than me standing behind me and I just didn't see them.

Would it be too greedy to have had a shower this morning but really want to have a soak in the bath?

How I'm going to manage to cram more hours in the day?

Why, despite saying I'm going to have an early night, am I still sitting here on the laptop?

What little bits and pieces can I get together - in one day - to send out to L in a care package for Christmas?  Late night shopping tomorrow it is for me then!

How I'm going to be in two places at once this Birthday and New Year?  Months ago I promised K I'd come to her for these, but now given my sister L's present situation....I feel I ought to be with her.

Why the day I go to the dentist to postpone my appointment because I simply can't make it - it's that not being able to be in two places at once thing again - I chip a tooth?

When I'm going to be able to write creatively again?  It's not that I'm not willing, I just don't have the time.

What made me decide that IF, and it's a BIG IF, L and I decide to start a family (I said IF people) I quite like the name Ava?  We'll start with a dog first, don't worry.

Wednesday Wonderings

I'm a day late with this but yesterday wasn't a pink and fluffy cheerful day...

Here are some of the random things that pass through my grey matter and linger for a while to entertain me...

If I'm out of the house for 8 hours of the day....who comes in and creates a mess?

What I'm going to do when they stop making 'The Big Bang Theory'?  Nothing makes me smile and laugh like Sheldon Cooper.  Did I mention that I find it increasingly disturbing just how similar we are?...No?  Oh well, yes, yes I am.  But we're not going to talk about that one.

If I'm going to come down with this annoying flu that has been lingering around me?  It's been making me feel 'not unwell but not well either' - am kind of in the no man's land of health and vitality.

What happens when a friend changes and you no longer recognise them as the person you love?

Why are next door so adverse to using their door knobs?  I know I've whined about this one before but they still seem to be unfamiliar with how to use them.  Oh and they also sound like they are trying to go through the stairs when when go up them.  Just saying that's all.

Are Zebras black with white stripes or white with black stripes?

What the hell is Goofy?  If Mickey is a mouse, Pluto is a dog and Donald a duck, again I ask you...what is Goofy?

How much do I want to kick myself for getting the post office opening times wrong and now having to be there for 7am to pick up some train tickets?

How I can resist the lure of the slice of Banoffee Cheese Cake in my fridge after an intense couple of days?

Why I am still sat on the sofa (now stuffing Banoffee Cheese Cake - apparently resistance is futile) when I have a ton of things to do in readiness for my early start tomorrow?

How glad I am that no one was around to see me devour a slice of cheese cake in about a minute?  Yup, feeling pretty sick right about now!

Where I can find some chairs to go with our now not-so-newly-acquired-antique-oak-table?  We got it second hand and I keep having these day dreams of making L a really lovely and special 3 course meal, dressing the table with candles etc....It just wouldn't be that special if we then had to transport everything to trays and eat on the sofa.  That would just be ordinary.

Where I was when Mother Nature was giving out patience?  That'll be at the back playing with the Lego then.  As per usual.

If it's possible to be more excited about seeing my little pudding tomorrow and hoping he still loves his auntie T enough for a snuggle?  Either which way my little big-girl and my little tempest are always good for a big hug.

What should I do first, wrap pudding and tempest's Christmas presents or pack my bag?

When I'm going to find the time and inclination to go Christmas shopping? 

Should I feel bad that I want to be able to do all my Christmas shopping on line so I can skip the savage madness of town?

What was up with my driving today?  I'm definitely noticing that there is a correlation between ....a certain cycle and my not so great driving ability.

Does anyone else suffer from the above?

Why did it seem like such a good idea to put our Christmas wrapping paper in a box, behind some other really big boxes out in the cold and dark garage? Ugh!

Is laziness contagious?

If scientists think they've found the gene for psoriasis, why can't they get rid of it?

Tonight my heart is breaking...my oldest sister L called to say that her and her partner P have split up.  After nearly 11 years together he ended it.

She didn't see it coming at all.

He said he was unhappy and that he hadn't been for a while. 
He said he couldn't do 'us' any more and he didn't want to do 'us' any more.
Yet she comforted him.

My heart broke for her.

I listened while she talked and I empathised - I even confessed I had thought about leaving L when we had been married for about a year and explained why - and as she talked I felt my insides clenching.

I cried (sobbed actually) after we had said our goodbyes for all the things she was feeling and for the things I know her ex, P, is feeling too.

Break ups have in the last few years started to make me feel very insecure and vulnerable.  I become anxious and distressed and in desperate need of L to be here to comfort and reassure me whenever I hear of any.  It doesn't even have to be the separation of a couple that I am familiar with, just knowing it is people that I know of (heard of) is enough to destabilise my world and have me seeking reassurance.

I will willingly hold my hand up to having control issues and to admitting I have an inherent need for certainty, despite knowing in life these are non-existent. 

I guess deep inside of me there is still a 9 year old, who relives the primal trauma of her parents splitting up and all the emotional rawness, turmoil and uncertainty that came with that whenever I hear of relationships breaking down.

I Choke Every Time I Read This....

L posted this on his FB account as his status

The good Lord was creating a model for military wives and was into His sixth day of overtime when an angel appeared. She said, "Lord, you seem to be having a lot of trouble with this one. What's wrong with the standard model?"
The Lord replied, "Have you seen the specs on this order. She has to be completely independent, possess the qualities of both a father and mother, be a perfect hostess to four or forty with an hour's notice, run on black coffee, handle every emergency imaginable without a manual, be able to carry on cheerfully, even if she is pregnant and has the flu, and she must be willing to move to a new location ten times in seventeen years. And, oh yes, she must have six pairs of hands!"
The angel shook her head, "Six pairs of hands? No way.
" The Lord continued,"Don't worry, I will make other military wives to help her. And I will give her an unusually strong heart so it can swell with pride in her husband's achievements, sustain the pain of separations, beat soundly when it is overworked and tired, and be large enough to say, 'I understand' when she doesn't and say 'I love you', regardless."
"Lord," said the angel, touching his arm gently. "Go to bed and get some rest.You can finish this tomorrow."
"I can't stop now," said the Lord. "I am so close to creating something unique. Already this model heals herself when she is sick, can put up six unexpected guests for the weekend, wave good-bye to her husband from a pier, a runway or a depot, and understand why it's important that he leaves."
The angel circled the model of the military wife, looked at it closely and sighed, "It looks fine, but it's too soft."
"She might look soft," replied the Lord. "But she has the strength of a lion. You would not believe what she can endure."
Finally the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek of the Lord's creation. "There's a leak," she announced. "Something is wrong with the construction. I am not surprised that it has cracked. You are trying to put too much into this model."
The Lord appeared offended at the angel's lack of onfidence."What you see is not a leak," He said. "It's a tear." "A tear?" What is it there for?" asked the angel.
The Lord replied, "It's for joy, sadness, pain, disappointment, loneliness, pride and a dedication to all the values that she and her husband hold dear."
"You are a genius!" exclaimed the angel.
The Lord looked puzzled and replied, "I didn't put it there."

Natasha, I love you xxx

Wednesday Wonderings

It would be a moot point for me to mention how stressed and busy I have been lately, so....I'll stop there and leave it at that.

Here is what I've been giving some pause for consideration to

HOW some people make it to teachers when they have zero ability to control a classroom of students and ZERO tolerance?

Why people laugh at me when I say if I see a pupil walking on the street and I see them litter...I will tell them off and make them pick it up?  I did before I worked in a school and I'm going to continue to do so.  Get over it.

Why I am suspicious of people who seem to ingratiate themselves into people's lives very quickly?

If I am going to make it to bed and to falling asleep before ridiculous o'clock?  These last few evening I have STILL been emailing the parents of my pupil at 10pm!

Where the wisdom was in giving a person 'new' to being a TA without any training in Attachment Disorder a pupil with just that plus ADHD and Asperbers?

When I will be able to muster the energy and more importantly the time to return my home to some kind of order?

How many people have started their Christmas shopping?  I only ask because I am 3 down and 11 to go.  You've no idea how smug I feel about that, I'm usually so last minute it's horrible.

How many times am I going to walk into a room, stop and realise have no idea what I went in there to do?

If I should put a thicker duvet on the bed?  I keep waking up and feeling cold, but when the heating comes on to in time for me to get up...I'm too hot.

What kind of bug has been going around that my stomach keeps pretending to have then get rid of?  Stomach flu dress here I come!!!

Who thought of the name stomach flu dress?

How much more organised I feel for just having sent a few emails at lunch (instead of doing it at night from home), cleaning my bathroom, putting my clothes away and having got clothes ready for the morning?

The wonder of if the above will last?

Where my compulsion and desire to eat rubbish has gone?

What a good night sleep feels like?  Seriously, if anyone can tell me and therefore remind me that would be super.

Why some children just cannot help themselves and must answer you back in protest?

How many more Christmas presents do I have to get before I can buy a bottle of mulled wine, put the Christmas songs on and wrap presents while also getting sticky tape and glitter stuck in my eyebrows?

Why things only break when L goes away?  It was the iron this time.

How guilty I felt going to work 'braced' for my pupil to be a handful (again) only to discover he wasn't?  At least not for him at any rate.

Why my nose won't stop running?

Why the moment you tell people that you haven't had a cold yet, you immediately get one?

Is there a cold fairy that waves her wand at you and gives you the sniffles?  There's a tooth fairy so why not a snotty nose fairy.  That's a rhetorical question.

Why little horror thought it was a good idea to draw on the inside of my coat with pen? Grr, Miss is going to get very angry if this happens again.

The Pipe Piper's Call...

I'm often complaining about what I feel is a lack of control in and over my life - you only have to look at my incredibly neat underwear drawer to know I have control issues (don't ask, but yes apparently when I'm feeling insecure, vulnerable, frustrated, anxious and like I am lacking control nothing is a big security blanket of reassurance like tidying my underwear draw....yeah, the less said about that one the better really)

The thing is, and I can only shake my head at myself in exasperation and with a complete lack of surprise, but I am ready for a move, A BIG MOVE, as in abroad now.

I know we're moving on from this area and current posting in August/September next year but I really want it to be a big move, not just an hour down the road as is currently anticipated.

Where would I like to go?.....I want to go to Canada.

Over the last few weeks I've found myself, however subconsciously, wishing and thinking of moving to Canada with a great deal of longing.

Why Canada?....Who knows for certain where my psyche is concerned, sometimes I convinced that it has a complete mind of its own!  I have been there before and I loved it, it felt like...home. I could see myself living there and being happy.

Is this desire to move just me being restless?... Well, I don't think so,  usually I only feel like moving or going off and doing something else when I'm not feeling challenged and my job is definitely challenging. 

I'm just ready to move now.  I'm ready for a complete change of scenery and a whole new experience.  I want to start completely fresh, in a totally strange place, surrounded by utter unfamiliarity.  Yes I will forgive you for wanting to know if Little Miss I Don't Like Change has had a bump on the head (I did but that was on Friday, whacked it on a wall....don't ask) Suspected Concussion aside, I can't explain this sudden overwhelming desire, to the point of sending out positive thoughts/wishes at every opportunity, for a move to Canada.

Me?  The woman who is more fear than courage, more doubt than confidence, more pessimism than optimism, is actively sending out to the cosmos positive thoughts for Canada???  I am sure stranger things have been known than this phenomenon, it's just that I can't for the life of me name any!

Thoughts of moving and Canada started a few weeks ago, whispering to me like the faint sound of a song heard but so quiet as to make it impossible to determine what was being sung.  Gradually as time passed it got louder and louder, like I moved closer to it, until I (almost) felt like my feet were compelled to dance to the tune of the pipe pipers call to move to Canada.

So strange...

Grinning and Bearing It

Last week was a real toughie.

And this one is gearing up to be pretty much the same....

The child I work with was clearly breaking me in gently.

When I am not working with this boy I am working with another who hasn't and doesn't have as many personal problems to contend with but is still a handful. And a half.

The end result me = mentally exhausted.

I take it personally that I can't reach (bond with) these kids, or think fast enough on my feet to adapt and figure out a way of reaching or bonding with them.

The fault is always mine.

I don't want to give up because we all know giving up is never an option for me. BUT I am beginning to doubt myself and my suitability to teaching....

I weigh things up and consider things as objectively as I can, giving myself a good pep talk....
I am failing him.....................................................I am not failing unless I quit and leave him
I am stressed.........................................................It's because I care
I am feeling overwhelmed..................................You are not alone
I can't reach him or bond with him....................It is part of his problem, just persevere and be there
I am beginning to doubt myself.........................Don't, things are tough but this is as tough as they get
He runs away from me........................................It's not personal it is part of the fight or flight thing
He doesn't talk to me..........................................He doesn't talk to anyone, but with hope, it will come
I'm not going to be a good teacher...................Yes you are
I can't cope............................................................Yes you can, you are and better than you know

I only wish it worked all the time.

    

Every Day is a New Day

I've been working as a Learning and Teaching Assistant in a secondary school for just over a month now, for 3 weeks of those I had about 8 pupils to help.  Then two weeks ago they gave me solely to a year 9 boy, a very difficult pupil.  In fact I've been informed that he is 'one of the hardest and most troubled pupils, if not THE hardest and most troubled pupil' in the school...

He has a range of problems from Attachment Disorder, to ADHD and has had the worst possible start in life. 

It breaks my heart to think of all that his has suffered in his young life and to know so many adults have just written him off.

He frustrates me, he stresses me out, he challenges me, he ignores me, he runs away from me (frequently), he is stroppy to me, he is sulky and sullen, he is unfathomable, he tests my patience...so I know how they feel.

What works one moment won't the next.  There are times when I feel like I am at a complete loss and I'm failing him by not being able to think of ways of getting through to him or talking him round.  I feel useless, deflated, frustrated and exhausted. I'm ashamed to admit that at times like this I think longingly of the 'good boys' that used to work with, especially when one of his class mates asks me to sit next to and help them or I pass them in the corridor and they ask why I'm not with them any more.

Yet every day I still go back and I still want to teach...I tell myself that every day is a new day.

Wednesday Wonderings

So, here are the things I've been giving some thought to....

If that which doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, what happened to the straw that broke the camel's back?

Why the moment you finish having to mow your grass and picking the grass cuttings up, you then have to go around picking up the leaves?  Clearly nature doesn't suffer with a compulsion for tidiness.

How many plumbers does it take to fix my toilet?  Four and still counting.  So far.

How a quick catch up with my best friend K turned into a near 4 hour phone conversation?

Why mixed messages seemed to be endemic to this modern age of multimedia communication?

When manners went out of fashion?

How much of a geek would I sound if I audibly admitted how jealous of all the cool, fun and interesting things children get to learn in school now?  It weren't like this in my day I tell you.

If I should be ashamed of asking myself (on Monday I add) as I walked home at 3:30, if it was too early for a jug of Margaritas? An more to the point is it a cause for concern?  In all fairness it was a pretty awful day, Tuesday wasn't much better either.

If there is no rest for the wicked, how wicked must I be to need at least another 10 hours in the day to achieve all that I need to?  Seriously my list is just getting longer and longer without anything having been ticked as completed.  Not good people.  Not good.

Why all attempts at getting children to eat healthily in school seems to end at Primary?  And yet we are fastly becoming the most obese country in Europe.  Doesn't bode well, she expounds from her seat on her sofa.

If money doesn't buy happiness someone please explain to me why having £9k to do my course would make me ecstatic?

If it's no real wonder children today are a tad confused?  Throughout your childhood you're told not to go off with strangers or accept things from them, yet every Christmas you are taken somewhere to sit on a stranger's lap, have your photo taken and be given a 'gift'?  Don't even get me started on the Halloween tradition of begging!

What I'm going to make for our Christmas head wear competition?  We have to make a piece of head wear, be it a hat, or a facinator (read fancy bit of nonsense that perches artistically on your head looking ridiculous, think Helena Bonham Carter) from either a Christmas programme or song.

How thankful was I this morning when I realised the plumber had indeed fixed my toilet but also turned my hot water off?...Yeah, not very.

What happens to children at lunch time?  They go to lunch almost little angels (I said almost) and they come back virtually uncontrollable monsters.  I was going to say 'little monsters' but they're all bigger than me, so there's nothing little about them.

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder...

..or Forgetful.

I'm feeling more than a little unsettled about L being away.  I've been keeping myself busy - as everyone tells you to - and while I like the keeping busy bit to a certain extent (it makes time pass quicker), it's also unnerving and therefore I begin to doubt and question.

I worry that we'll grow apart.

I worry that the distance between us will become more than geographical and a time difference.

I worry that one day I will feel that I don't miss or need him.  Thinking this breaks my heart.