What If....

Just when I think I'm over losing our baby something comes along that is like being sucker punched in the stomach.
Whoosh that friend has the same due date as you.
I can't breathe.
I can't regain my balance.
I can't process all the emotions.

The strangest thing is I knew before the Drs confirmed it that I was losing baby.
On the fifth day of spotting I cried all day.
I made all kinds of promises to be the best, most loving mother ever, if only I didn't lose it.

The week I waited for another scan to confirm I'd had a missed miscarriage was torture in ways it's hard to talk about.
I didn't need a scan. I knew.
I felt such guilt at the thought it was probably for the best because I was about to start a new job and dreaded telling my boss, L and I rowed about things I can't even remember and Gramps had just been diagnosed with cancer.
I wondered if I had even wanted it in the first place.

Now L wants to try again and I don't know if I do.
What if I'm not mentally fit to be a mum?
What if can't love it?
What if I lose another?

Tonight my heart is breaking...my oldest sister L called to say that her and her partner P have split up.  After nearly 11 years together he ended it.

She didn't see it coming at all.

He said he was unhappy and that he hadn't been for a while. 
He said he couldn't do 'us' any more and he didn't want to do 'us' any more.
Yet she comforted him.

My heart broke for her.

I listened while she talked and I empathised - I even confessed I had thought about leaving L when we had been married for about a year and explained why - and as she talked I felt my insides clenching.

I cried (sobbed actually) after we had said our goodbyes for all the things she was feeling and for the things I know her ex, P, is feeling too.

Break ups have in the last few years started to make me feel very insecure and vulnerable.  I become anxious and distressed and in desperate need of L to be here to comfort and reassure me whenever I hear of any.  It doesn't even have to be the separation of a couple that I am familiar with, just knowing it is people that I know of (heard of) is enough to destabilise my world and have me seeking reassurance.

I will willingly hold my hand up to having control issues and to admitting I have an inherent need for certainty, despite knowing in life these are non-existent. 

I guess deep inside of me there is still a 9 year old, who relives the primal trauma of her parents splitting up and all the emotional rawness, turmoil and uncertainty that came with that whenever I hear of relationships breaking down.