It's half term and there's a million things I need and should be doing, being an adult is like that: your world is full of a multitude of chores that have you dashing from one moment to the next, thoughts whirling, toes tapping impatiently, smiles given in a hurry because you don't have the time to let them reach your eyes...
My life is like that - I rush from one moment to the next, my mind a maelstrom of to do lists, crazy ideas and ironic musings. It's like that because modern life is like that: busy, chaotic, fast paced and .....transient.
We live in the moment without truly being in it, our heads are there but are hearts aren't. The here and now demands our attention, the need to get the washing done, that report for work, the bills to pay, the letters to post, the car to fill up and the food to buy. They are the small details that block the view of the bigger picture.
I want to slow down so the things that I do are more meaningful and mean I take the time to think about what I say that I may 'feel' what I say too. Yet it's the one thing I'm incapable of, the times I try are out of sync with the times others try.
It occurred to me that really living in the moment requires you to feel in the moment, not prospone your processing of it to just before you fall asleep or even during your dreams. It's more than saying what you mean and meaning what you say, but how much more I've no idea.
All I can say is that I've just noticed that as a modern society we are selfish and incapable of communicating with each other when it really means something. There's a dozen ways to say how you'd like your coffee but when it comes to emotion or feelings, words fail us.
Monday, 27 October 2014
Sunday, 12 October 2014
Women Understand Women and They Hate Each Other
That statement has been ringing in my ears for some time now. The rest of goes, so what chance do men stand and right now I'd place myself with the men.
I'm an NQT (Newly Qualified Teacher) at a special school for children who have experienced sexual trauma, obviously it's tough. On any given day the children are always verbally aggressive and abusive, often violent and rarely remain in their seats for a whole lesson. Despite being sick of being someone else's punch and kick bag, I'm not too put out by it - they are children with deep rooted issues and no access to emotional literacy to express their trauma.
What I'm really struggling with is the toxic environment created by my colleagues. There's a power struggle going on between the current head and a teacher who wants her job (and is making it personal.) It's exhausting and a horrible place to be.
I made the decision to distance myself from it, after all I'm there to teach and nothing else, but in doing so I'm now very isolated. I'm floating in no man's land like a ephemeral ghost, searching for souls to guide me but having no light to gravitate to.
Recent changes aren't going to impact me too greatly, I've already been doing the lion's share of the work, teaching, planning and marking that another teacher has managed to shirk. What angers me is sitting on this knowledge, quietly, silently, being the woman that does that, but then being told that I'm most definitely flapping about it. No, no I'm not because nothing really changes for me.
I want out. These people are not my friends and they are not nice people. So now I sit and pray with fingers crossed for Friday to come, bringing with it the list of teaching vacancies.
I'm an NQT (Newly Qualified Teacher) at a special school for children who have experienced sexual trauma, obviously it's tough. On any given day the children are always verbally aggressive and abusive, often violent and rarely remain in their seats for a whole lesson. Despite being sick of being someone else's punch and kick bag, I'm not too put out by it - they are children with deep rooted issues and no access to emotional literacy to express their trauma.
What I'm really struggling with is the toxic environment created by my colleagues. There's a power struggle going on between the current head and a teacher who wants her job (and is making it personal.) It's exhausting and a horrible place to be.
I made the decision to distance myself from it, after all I'm there to teach and nothing else, but in doing so I'm now very isolated. I'm floating in no man's land like a ephemeral ghost, searching for souls to guide me but having no light to gravitate to.
Recent changes aren't going to impact me too greatly, I've already been doing the lion's share of the work, teaching, planning and marking that another teacher has managed to shirk. What angers me is sitting on this knowledge, quietly, silently, being the woman that does that, but then being told that I'm most definitely flapping about it. No, no I'm not because nothing really changes for me.
I want out. These people are not my friends and they are not nice people. So now I sit and pray with fingers crossed for Friday to come, bringing with it the list of teaching vacancies.
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