As you get older the general consensus is that the pitfalls of friendships and relationships get easier, you're adult therefore better at negotiating disagreements and understanding what motivates you. Not so much me at the moment.
I had a friend that I was close to, we got each through some really dark tough times but then as is natural in life, we drifted in different directions once our geographical proximity increased.
At first when I heard about the important things going on in her life second and third hand from others, I was hurt and disappointed that I was no longer her go-to friend.
When she got a new best-girlfriend I was devastated and I'm ashamed to say resolved to hate her, I found numerous faults in her and with this new best friend to justify my jealous reaction. At some point, I took a real good look at my motives and and saw them for what they were - jealousy at being replaced. I began to accept we had grown a part because I was a grown up.
I mourned the loss of our friendship and closeness for a while and then to be honest I got over it, moved on. She had become a stranger to me, when we did get together in a group I no longer saw someone I was familiar with. The things she said and did were a totally different person and I finally let go of her.
Then on one occasion when we were all together she started flirting outrageously with L and with no regard to me or my feelings. She even bragged about it to me in person. I was incandescent with rage, indignation, paranoia and hurt for a long time. Again, I realised those feelings were more about my present vulnerable state and insecurities than they were anyone else. I'd lost a baby, that's no small thing.
I'm due to see her in a few weekends, encouraged and pushed by L, who doesn't understand why we're no longer close, and the hard truth is I don't want to see her.
Even worse than seeing her for a weekend is knowing I'm being surprised for my 40th with her flying out to the US, yet I know her visit isn't about my 40th - it's about her and inserting herself in special occasions where she can have the most impact and receive the most attention.
I can't think of anything worse nor something that I want less than that.
I actually don't need or want her in my life. At all.
