I'm 40 weeks + 2 today. I have a midwife appointment tomorrow.
On my due date I went to a cheese festival in town, why? Because I could.
I 'could' have sat at home feeling anxious and irritable but what purpose would that have served? Instead I went out for the day with L, felt slightly anxious in the warmth surrounded by too many people but I didn't stay home.
Yesterday and today it's been like a switch has been flicked, like I woke up and all tension, concern and preoccupation, interest I suppose, in this pregnancy has disappeared. In fact my interest in just about everything has gone.
It's gone midday and I'm still in my pjs.
We need milk but I can't be bothered to go to the shop.
I've a letter to finish writing....but can't be bothered.
I've never noticed before how much of my identity and psyche has been about work, it's like with starting maternity leave, the absence of the purpose of teaching and planning, coupled with waiting for a little one's arrival....I've lost direction and purpose.
Monday, 23 April 2018
Wednesday, 4 April 2018
I'm Not an Earth Mother....
Today I am 37 weeks + 4.
In amongst all the 'great' (I'm rolling my eyes here) and oh-so welcomed (sarcasm) advice that EVERYONE has bestowed upon me, not to mention their wonderful predictions (never knew I was acquainted with so many mystics), I've learnt that I am not an earth mother.
I've not enjoyed pregnancy and have been made to feel like I am some kind of monster because of that.
For whatever reasons I've not bought into the 'precious cargo' theory, nor the 'I'm precious and special because I'm having a baby' - my attitude has been 'I'm pregnant not incapacitated' throughout this journey.
I've worried about so much and experienced so much too - jealousy, turning into the female hulk, struggling psychologically with my changing body and lack of control over that, learning to have a deaf ear to everyone's well-meaning but negative predictions and assumptions about my pregnancy, unborn child and fitness to be a mother. That's just to mention a few things that I can think of off the top of my head!
I'm continuing to work up until a few short days before my due date, with a bit of a Easter break in between, but I have my reasons and to be frank - you aren't owed justification for that decision.
I've not enjoyed battling my way emotionally and psychologically through the uncontrollable changes to my body and hormones. I've felt out of control at the best of times and seconds away from first degree (unrepentant) murder at the worst of times. And I swear if one more adult asks me a question that they've not even bothered to mull over for themselves before seeking me out to answer for them....I won't be held responsible for the devastation afterwards!
Am I excited about meeting her, holding her, looking at her in absolute wonder and seeing the person that she is going to grow into?....A thousand times yes! But this pregnancy thing? Just isn't for me!
No I've not got stretch marks - yet!
No I didn't get the cankles thing until the last two weeks.
No I've not suffered with carpal tunnel until this week.
Yes I can still do 25 meters under water without coming up for air.
Yes I can still do a tumble turn in the pool and 30 - 50 lengths.
Yes I can (just about) still bend down to pick things up that I've dropped.
Yes I am still working - because I can!
No she doesn't keep me awake with her moving
Yes I did suffer with 'morning sickness until I was about 18 weeks pregnant)
Yes I know I don't look that far gone.
Yes I am tired despite not looking it.
Does that mean I've enjoyed being pregnant? No, not at all.
Here's the thing - having lost a baby and gone through that trauma I am acutely aware of how special the baby inside me is, but it doesn't define me, not any more that having lost one does. I have not made being pregnant the centre of my world, my conversations, my dreams, my hopes, my fears, my life and my relationships. I've not been overcome with the wonder of how magical an experience this has been and continues to be - why? I don't know, because it is magical but life goes on.
Talking of life, I'm off to baby-sit my friend's children so she and her husband can have a much needed night out together!!
In amongst all the 'great' (I'm rolling my eyes here) and oh-so welcomed (sarcasm) advice that EVERYONE has bestowed upon me, not to mention their wonderful predictions (never knew I was acquainted with so many mystics), I've learnt that I am not an earth mother.
I've not enjoyed pregnancy and have been made to feel like I am some kind of monster because of that.
For whatever reasons I've not bought into the 'precious cargo' theory, nor the 'I'm precious and special because I'm having a baby' - my attitude has been 'I'm pregnant not incapacitated' throughout this journey.
I've worried about so much and experienced so much too - jealousy, turning into the female hulk, struggling psychologically with my changing body and lack of control over that, learning to have a deaf ear to everyone's well-meaning but negative predictions and assumptions about my pregnancy, unborn child and fitness to be a mother. That's just to mention a few things that I can think of off the top of my head!
I'm continuing to work up until a few short days before my due date, with a bit of a Easter break in between, but I have my reasons and to be frank - you aren't owed justification for that decision.
I've not enjoyed battling my way emotionally and psychologically through the uncontrollable changes to my body and hormones. I've felt out of control at the best of times and seconds away from first degree (unrepentant) murder at the worst of times. And I swear if one more adult asks me a question that they've not even bothered to mull over for themselves before seeking me out to answer for them....I won't be held responsible for the devastation afterwards!
Am I excited about meeting her, holding her, looking at her in absolute wonder and seeing the person that she is going to grow into?....A thousand times yes! But this pregnancy thing? Just isn't for me!
No I've not got stretch marks - yet!
No I didn't get the cankles thing until the last two weeks.
No I've not suffered with carpal tunnel until this week.
Yes I can still do 25 meters under water without coming up for air.
Yes I can still do a tumble turn in the pool and 30 - 50 lengths.
Yes I can (just about) still bend down to pick things up that I've dropped.
Yes I am still working - because I can!
No she doesn't keep me awake with her moving
Yes I did suffer with 'morning sickness until I was about 18 weeks pregnant)
Yes I know I don't look that far gone.
Yes I am tired despite not looking it.
Does that mean I've enjoyed being pregnant? No, not at all.
Here's the thing - having lost a baby and gone through that trauma I am acutely aware of how special the baby inside me is, but it doesn't define me, not any more that having lost one does. I have not made being pregnant the centre of my world, my conversations, my dreams, my hopes, my fears, my life and my relationships. I've not been overcome with the wonder of how magical an experience this has been and continues to be - why? I don't know, because it is magical but life goes on.
Talking of life, I'm off to baby-sit my friend's children so she and her husband can have a much needed night out together!!
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