I'm Not an Earth Mother....

Today I am 37 weeks + 4.

In amongst all the 'great' (I'm rolling my eyes here) and oh-so welcomed (sarcasm) advice that EVERYONE has bestowed upon me, not to mention their wonderful predictions (never knew I was acquainted with so many mystics), I've learnt that I am not an earth mother.

I've not enjoyed pregnancy and have been made to feel like I am some kind of monster because of that.

For whatever reasons I've not bought into the 'precious cargo' theory, nor the 'I'm precious and special because I'm having a baby' - my attitude has been 'I'm pregnant not incapacitated' throughout this journey.

I've worried about so much and experienced so much too - jealousy, turning into the female hulk, struggling psychologically with my changing body and lack of control over that, learning to have a deaf ear to everyone's well-meaning but negative predictions and assumptions about my pregnancy, unborn child and fitness to be a mother.  That's just to mention a few things that I can think of off the top of my head!

I'm continuing to work up until a few short days before my due date, with a bit of a Easter break in between, but I have my reasons and to be frank - you aren't owed justification for that decision.

I've not enjoyed battling my way emotionally and psychologically through the uncontrollable changes to my body and hormones.  I've felt out of control at the best of times and seconds away from first degree (unrepentant) murder at the worst of times.  And I swear if one more adult asks me a question that they've not even bothered to mull over for themselves before seeking me out to answer for them....I won't be held responsible for the devastation afterwards!

Am I excited about meeting her, holding her, looking at her in absolute wonder and seeing the person that she is going to grow into?....A thousand times yes!  But this pregnancy thing?  Just isn't for me!

No I've not got stretch marks - yet!
No I didn't get the cankles thing until the last two weeks.
No I've not suffered with carpal tunnel until this week.
Yes I can still do 25 meters under water without coming up for air.
Yes I can still do a tumble turn in the pool and 30 - 50 lengths.
Yes I can (just about) still bend down to pick things up that I've dropped.
Yes I am still working - because I can!
No she doesn't keep me awake with her moving
Yes I did suffer with 'morning sickness until I was about 18 weeks pregnant)
Yes I know I don't look that far gone.
Yes I am tired despite not looking it.

Does that mean I've enjoyed being pregnant?  No, not at all. 

Here's the thing - having lost a baby and gone through that trauma I am acutely aware of how special the baby inside me is, but it doesn't define me, not any more that having lost one does.  I have not made being pregnant the centre of my world, my conversations, my dreams, my hopes, my fears, my life and my relationships.  I've not been overcome with the wonder of how magical an experience this has been and continues to be - why?  I don't know, because it is magical but life goes on.

Talking of life, I'm off to baby-sit my friend's children so she and her husband can have a much needed night out together!!

Counting Our Chickens Before They've Hatched...

I'm not usually the type to do this, count my chickens before they have hatched and consider things a sure thing that is.

That said, I was so sure L would get promoted to SSgt and he'd formally be offered the job we're after....as it transpired he didn't get promoted. Being the suspicious person that I am - you say paranoid I maintain suspicious - I would have squinted my eyes and turned my suspicions toward his boss. That would make sense since L still has a pending complaint against him and so many people have mentioned how much he dislikes L (got to love men for gossiping, because you know it's only us women that like to partake of this idle pass time...) Yet, L wasn't the only one not to be promoted: no air crewmen were.

As per usual rumours and speculation are rife...this part of the military have had a falling out with this one (seriously, apparently PGCE students aren't the only ones who haven't learnt to share the red crayon!) and they don't want them on their camp doing this job...I swear I am surrounded by children! Worse, these so-called adultchildren are usually give the responsibility of a large weapon...and I don't mean their brains.

Scathing sarcasm aside I was certain L would be promoted and he would be offered that job, formally...so I've been guilty of counting my chickens before they've hatched *sigh* I'm really disappointed for him...not just because he's my husband and I think he deserves to be promoted, nor because the money would come in handy. No, actually I'm disappointed because he is has integrity and he is constantly being taken advantage of. L wasn't around when mother nature was giving out the ability to spot machiavellian individuals:he was most definitely still at the back playing with the Lego (he loves Lego), which thus means he has zero ability to spot conniving, manipulating and devious individuals who only work to their own agenda. Zero.

I know nothing has been 'officially' decided in terms of postings and jobs etc, but I hesitate to be confident again, my instincts just won't let me.

Snot-o-gram!

I am stunned.  I really can't believe it. 

I didn't believe it until I heard the woman's voice at the other end of the phone confirm it for me and after which I was so infuriated and shocked I hung up before I could really let rip and lose my temper.

Utterly ridiculous.  And archaic. And belittling.  And a pointless waste of time.

I have been paying off a loan for my studies since I finished by Bachelors degree.  I have either sent large cheques off every few months or more recently, in more than the last two years to be precise, have paid £125 by direct debit.  Great.  Fantastic.  No problems or dramas there.  No letters, no emails, no phone calls etc to mention this, or confirm this or even acknowledge this.

Then today I get a letter from them saying their records show that I am currently unemployed and they would like to see proof/evidence of how I financially support myself....er WTF!  What business is it of theirs how I financially support myself so long as they are paid?

Wanting to make sure I had got my facts straight, because well you know pretty much everything today is automated so it could have been a default letter that their system generates and someone, whoever, could have forgot to suppress it on the system (just to speak office, call centre speak and to give them the benefit of the doubt) I called them.

Yeah no.  I had it right.  They wanted to see proof of how I was financially supporting myself and managing to pay off my loan.  Of course they would its was never an interest free loan, so it really would be better for them if I didn't pay it off.

Confused I asked why difference how I was paying it off made so long as it was being paid off and why were they only now, some 18+ months later, asking for this proof.  Obviously she read from a script, which did nothing to appease me feeling affronted, and basically she couldn't answer me.  She couldn't give me a reason.  She just kept reading the same responses from her script.

Eventually fed up of talking in circles and getting nowhere I told her my husband financially supports me and her answer was ... I had to get my husband to write a letter confirming he financially supports me.

Apparently despite it being 2011 and me being 33 years old I have no voice.  I am unable to speak for myself or my own financial circumstances.

What were we thinking the suffragettes and feminism had changed?  And more to the point how stupid am I for thinking things HAD changed.

So I wrote them an incredibly sarcastic snot-o-gram from L on my own behalf confirming I am being looked after. 

I could not make this kind of crap up even with my fantastic imagination.

Dear sense of humour,

I know this is stating the obvious but I'm going to just say it and get it over and done with...we both know we've seen some incredibly dark days over the past few years. There have been times when we laughed but without real heartfelt humour, times when we laughed to hide the tears and times when we laughed because we were at a loss as to what else to do.

In light of that I would just like to take this opportunity to thank you for staying so faithfully by my side when all else - patience, will power, motivation, libido, sleep, sense of security etc - have taken themselves off on sabbatical. You have no idea how much I appreciate you sticking around and teaming up with sarcasm to at least help a ghost of a smile grace my lips.

You truly are one in a million and I will never again think of you as dark and twisted and just a little bit sick.

Yours thankfully,

Tasha xx

ps I enjoyed this post so much I might it a regular one. Thanking inanimate objects and people for things. Hhhmmm food for thought.