Last of the 5

No words of introduction today.

1. Nothing makes me lose my temper quicker or makes me more defensive than being treated or called stupid
2. I think if you truly want to be original in this day and age don't get any tattoos and don't have any piercings
3. I don't believe in there being just ONE person for everyone in the world, I believe there are many and its about having a CONNECTION
4. I'm not a religious person but I am spiritual
5. I think everybody in this world would benefit from therapy

5 Further Things..,

Yet more useless bits of information for you to mull over

1. I hate surprises - they feel like emotional ambushes
2. I've been told I look like Alyssa Milano and Julia Roberts (albeit not for a while)
3. I hate people that gush - e.g. 'You're so pretty' 'That is so cute' 'You look just fabulous' etc  Not only does it get on my nerves but I find it nauseating
4. I own a diverse collection of reading material including spell and dream books, historically fact based books on the Victorians, the complete works of Shakespeare, and other random stuff like cook books, plenty of fantasy fiction and classics.
5. I found it liberating to read The Story of O on the tube and bus.  I could tell by a person's expression if they had read it or knew of it and it greatly entertained me to watch them squirm.

5 Things...

I missed a day yesterday, so here's what I missed out and some...

1. I share a first name, a middle name and a surname with my sister in law - how very Wuthering Heights
2. I have no wisdom teeth and never have
3. My sister T used to push me down the toilet and flush it when she was sent to help me when we were small (small enough that just my head and legs from the knee down would be sticking out of the top when she had finished with me)
4. I have posed nude on more than one occasion for my sister T when she was studying art and photography.  Somewhere out there in this world people have pictures/photographs of me dressed as a fairy (in transparent net curtain material), abstract sketches of me in the buff and a black and white exposure of my naked body from the neck down
5. I suffer with stage fright when faced with having to speak publicly

5 More Bits of Useless Information ....

Okay...another 5 things about myself that are the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth...hhmm what things can I think of that will make you smile or recoil or gasp or roll your eyes or nod understanding...

Oh right, okay I've got something...

1. I think Timothy Olyphant is HOT.
2. I have a tattoo of my interpretation of Puck from Shakespeare's a Midsummer Night's Dream which I've had for about 14 years.
3. I think there is something unbelievably beautiful about cats.
4. I love thunder storms, the bigger and louder the better.  I like the rain too.
5. I'm scared of swimming in the sea despite being a strong swimmer that did at one point swim for a local club in competitions.

5 Things You Didn't know About Moi

A friend commented that people find me very hard to get to know.  Moi?  Surely not, I'm positively an open book when it comes to my inner thoughts / emotions etc.  If you know me that is.

She said I had to post up 5 things everyday about myself for the next 5 days that are the absolute painful truth.  So, on that note here you go

1. I have suffered with anxiety problems and depression in the last year or so
2. I have - in my youth - smoked a lot of weed, experimented with other drugs including cocaine, ecstasy and poppers, and I'm an occassional binge drinker and smoker
3. I still think about my ex 
4. I suffer with intense jealousy from time to time
5. I find it easier to deal with anger than I do hurt or any other emotion both within myself and anyone else

And there you have it.

Dear Letters and a Wing and Prayer

Dear Disturbed Sleep Pattern,

Remember me?  Why am I asking you this?!  Of course you remember me you've been my constant companion and house guest for over 3 years!  Silly me.

Any way, here's the thing and I'm just going to be really up front and honest...you have to leave.  Its been great having you, well actually no it hasn't been great its been.... exhausting and interesting and distracting and ... you have to go!  You don't bring out the best in me; you make more tearful and unreasonable, you cost me a fortune in make up in trying to hide the bags and make myself look less pale than the undead, you make me crave caffeine and sugar (I'm not really allowed these in large quantities), you make me lose my focus and I tired and just not functioning as a human being.

So its been...erm nice but bye.  I appreciate your coming to visit, your companionship when L's been away and without you I would have forgotten how beautiful the sound of the birds dawn chorus can be but it time for you to GO.

Yours exhausted

A knackered, pale and pasty and dark circled eyed Tasha



Dear British Weather,

My garden and flower pots would like to thank you for the recent rain because I have been just a little neglectful.  They really are looking much more perky and for that I thank you (between you and me I have plenty of enthusiasm but not so many green fingers).

Gratitude aside do you think there is any chance of having the sun back?  I am starting to contemplate putting the heating back on.

Yours speculatively

A cold and pale and pasty Tasha



Dear L,

Let me just start by telling you how much I love you and appreciate all that you do for me - I couldn't want for a better husband and I don't!  You really are the best and no one looks after me the way that you do.

I have ONE favour to ask - could you please, please rinse the bath out after yourself when you've had a one, especially when we both know I've just cleaned/scrubbed it?  The huffing and puffing would go away if you did.

Yours appreciatively

A slightly peeved and chemical reddened hands from cleaning Tasha



Dear Primary Schools - in particular Head Teachers and Secretaries of the UK,

I understand that you guys have an incredibly tough and demanding and important job to do and that you really don't need anything or anyone to add to it or make it harder.  I understand that yours is often a thankless job with little or no support and high demands.  I understand that more often than not you are raising other people's children and teaching them life skills like manners, how to socialise, acceptable behaviour as well as providing much needed emotional support.  I really do understand that but if you would just give me a chance I could show you that I won't make your day any harder.

I think I would make a great teacher, I have patience, I am good with kids, I like kids (which lets be honest is a really good start and rather essential), I love learning, I love passing on the excitement and amazement of learning something new, I want to be a part of guiding the young minds of our world as they navigate expanding their world with so many mind blowing things.  I want the chance to feel that intense feeling of pride in myself and my student when I make a break through with them, when they begin to trust me, when I see what their special requirement is and I fulfil it for them.  I want that.  I want all those things and I think I can DO those things if someone just believes in me for a second.

So, please, please just give me the chance to show you all of this by giving me the time of day, returning my phone calls and allowing me to get my class room observation experience so that I can at least meet the course requirements.  I won't let you down and you'll get the chance to say you saw something in someone that no one else bothered to look for.

Yours humbly

A very quiet and patient Tasha who fears one of her dreams is going to be taken away from her if someone doesn't give her a chance.

Snot-o-gram!

I am stunned.  I really can't believe it. 

I didn't believe it until I heard the woman's voice at the other end of the phone confirm it for me and after which I was so infuriated and shocked I hung up before I could really let rip and lose my temper.

Utterly ridiculous.  And archaic. And belittling.  And a pointless waste of time.

I have been paying off a loan for my studies since I finished by Bachelors degree.  I have either sent large cheques off every few months or more recently, in more than the last two years to be precise, have paid £125 by direct debit.  Great.  Fantastic.  No problems or dramas there.  No letters, no emails, no phone calls etc to mention this, or confirm this or even acknowledge this.

Then today I get a letter from them saying their records show that I am currently unemployed and they would like to see proof/evidence of how I financially support myself....er WTF!  What business is it of theirs how I financially support myself so long as they are paid?

Wanting to make sure I had got my facts straight, because well you know pretty much everything today is automated so it could have been a default letter that their system generates and someone, whoever, could have forgot to suppress it on the system (just to speak office, call centre speak and to give them the benefit of the doubt) I called them.

Yeah no.  I had it right.  They wanted to see proof of how I was financially supporting myself and managing to pay off my loan.  Of course they would its was never an interest free loan, so it really would be better for them if I didn't pay it off.

Confused I asked why difference how I was paying it off made so long as it was being paid off and why were they only now, some 18+ months later, asking for this proof.  Obviously she read from a script, which did nothing to appease me feeling affronted, and basically she couldn't answer me.  She couldn't give me a reason.  She just kept reading the same responses from her script.

Eventually fed up of talking in circles and getting nowhere I told her my husband financially supports me and her answer was ... I had to get my husband to write a letter confirming he financially supports me.

Apparently despite it being 2011 and me being 33 years old I have no voice.  I am unable to speak for myself or my own financial circumstances.

What were we thinking the suffragettes and feminism had changed?  And more to the point how stupid am I for thinking things HAD changed.

So I wrote them an incredibly sarcastic snot-o-gram from L on my own behalf confirming I am being looked after. 

I could not make this kind of crap up even with my fantastic imagination.

Wednesday Wonderings

So...its been a while...and to get straight to the point here is a taster of my more interesting and fleeting musings;


What I've done with my silver bangle - its been missing for ages and I can't remember where I put it or I last had it.

What my dream about my Japanese Maple losing all its leaves and having died meant?  I don't mean anything mystical or hedgewitchy by that I mean what does my Japanese Maple symbolise, what - or who - in my dream was it meant to be?

Why L takes such pleasure in winding my sister T up?  You'd think after nearly 12 years (that may or may not be correct I can't remember or be sure) together it would have lost its appeal and she would stop taking the bait.  Apparently not.

When the 3rd series of Sons of Anarchy will be aired in the UK?  Oh and Dexter (can't remember which series) too.

If every obstacle I run up against in trying to become a Primary School Teacher is fate's way of telling me its not meant to be?

Off of the back of the above one - why THINGS like volunteering in a school, being given 5 minutes of a person's time in which they give some small advice/pointers etc on where to look for information, people returning phone calls or being honest are so HARD????

If it is possible for me to feel any more worthless, angry and frustrated?

What was going on in town today? It felt like every person in our county that had failed to que up for manners from Mother Nature but got the free day release pass was in town either drunk or passed out somewhere. Classy.



What I ate/drank earlier on today to make me throw up?  Nice.


Why I seem to have a magpie stalker?  Seriously its EVERYWHERE I go, and yes I'm sure its the same one.


If they woman who asked me for ID when I bought a bottle of wine today was being genuine, or just kind or having a laugh at my expense?


If L is going deaf?  The volume on the TV is so loud I'm pretty sure my friend T in London can hear and tell you what we're watching.


If its sad to admit I am looking forward to receiving my new electric toothbrush?  That should shut my dentist up.  For the time being.


Where my obsession with cheese and onion crisps has come from?  Every body knows I'm a salt and vinegar girl.


Why, despite feeling poorly, I can't stop thinking about food?  In particular salmon burger and chips.


What I find so funny about Danno and Mcgarret's relationship in Hawaii 50?  Their dialogue and banter is hilarious.  Trust me.


Where my desire to take some kind of dancing lesson has come from?  Lots of enthusiasm people, no co-ordination.  Focus on the enthusiasm part though.

HELP!!!

I don't know if this is the same for everyone else but I have been led to believe that when I am in need, when I'm unsure of something, when I need advice...all I have to do is ASK.

Ask and apparently people will be only too willing to help, to offer advice, to point me in the right direction and to set me on the right path.

Excuse me for a moment but what *##^ing person made up that lie?!  and Where are they so I can shout and rant and rave and storm at them?!

Seriously, what is wrong with this world, our teaching institutes in particularly, that they view a person who desperately wants to be a teacher asking for help, advice and guidance in achieving this as a problem?!

ARE THEY KIDDING ME? 

Apparently asking for the above things means that I have become a chore and hard work.  Asking for help and guidance from those in the know, from those in a position of power makes me ... want something from them and therefore I am hard work, less appealing, troublesome and well lets not beat around the bush about this - NOT WANTED.

My free labour is not wanted and I'm fobbed off with half-truths and little information.

Stories, Perfect Timings, Stonehenge and Other Mystical Entities

J and B are insistent I start writing my novel.  They ask me every time we meet if I've begun yet and every time I reply that I haven't.

I've explained to them about being caught up and entangled in my own net of doubt, fear and ...this novel, this story is my Stonehenge.

Years ago when L and I had been seeing each other for a year or two we went on holiday together to Cornwall.  On the drive back he took me to see Tintagel and Stonehenge knowing I was obsessed with all things King Arthur, Morgan Le Fey, Lancelot and Excalibur.  As we sat outside the protective fencing he asked me if given the chance to touch the mystical stones whether I would. 

I said no. 

He was understandably confused. 

I explained; I wouldn't touch it for fear of it losing its magic.  As it was, untouched by me, it still had it and held power for me.  If I were to touch it and feel nothing, no thrumming of power, no spark of something magic and undefinable, no mystery...I would be devastated.  I would lose a part of myself, a part of my childhood, a part of my imagination, a part of my dreams and dare I say it a part of my future just by having to admit Stonehenge was nothing more some really big stones left over from some bygone era. 

So, while I remained outside the fence and it remained untouched inside the fence I could keep my dreams, my fantasies, my smiles and the magic intact.

My novel has been a little like that for some time.

I think about it a great deal. I envision scenes unfolding before my eyes, hear dialogue in my head, anticipate reactions to events and feel emotions that I know fit with my protagonist all the time...but still I don't write.

Still I keep putting it off.

Still I shy away from taking the plunge.

What am I waiting for?...The time to feel right.

I'm waiting for that spark to flare inside of me that tells me everything is as it should be; the time is right, the story is ready to unfurl and bloom, my protagonist is ready to be born and introduced to the world and I have no other distractions, either impending or real, to contend with.

Tissues for my Issues, Pudding, Tiredness and Impending Goodbyes

It could have been the jet lag or it could have been PMT or it could have just been me having a moment but the other day I found myself sobbing, inconsolable, for hours.

I was tired.

I was bone weary tired of carrying the burden of my recent past.

As I cried I realised that I was tired of mourning the loss of trust in my mum.  I was tired of being angry, of being hurt, of being disappointed and of disappointing in turn.  I was tired of analysing it all, tired of caring, tired of always being scared, tired of my constant companion insidious doubt.  I was tired of complicated and fraught relationships, tired of low self-esteem, tired of fighting to be heard and listened to, tired of being pushed to the side and dismissed, tired of giving in to other people for the sake of peace and quiet, tired of doing things out of duty rather than because I wanted to, tired of being considerate and getting bugger all in return, tired of feeling overwhelmed and lost and frustrated.  Tired of being anxious, tired of pretending everything was okay, tired of feeling trapped and most of all I was just simply tired of it all.

And the whole time I did the same voice that I always hear in my head at such emotional moments was telling me I was being a melodramatic drama queen.  I felt weak, stupid, pathetic, childish and unworthy.

Eventually I washed my face, blew my nose (alot) and flushed the issued filled tissues down the toilet before I took myself off to see my little pudding.  I needed, for however transient a moment, to hold him in my arms and soothe him off to sleep. I needed the peace of it and I needed the calmness that I feel when I do.

I needed to comfort and reassure and I needed to be lost in that task without thought or emotion.  I can physically flush my issues away but its never restores calmness to me the way holding his warm, solid little body in my arms does.

K, the girls and pudding move next week...