Love and Dragons

The other day I happen to be in the vicinity of a friend discussing her daughter-in-law issues, I listened without offering an opinion because it wasn't my place to, but after...I started thinking about my own mother-in-law issues. I began to wonder if grandchildren were involved if we'd be so amicable or would she also fear I'd withhold them because we disagreed?

For the most part I've just accepted it's a mother-in-law perogative to be pushy and domineering especially when it comes to their sons. Why? Well because it's about control, jealousy and things so deeply primal and innate I'll be damned if I'm intelligent enough to figure them out and impose order because I'm not a mother.

Generally speaking I get on pretty well with my mother-in-law J, she's an independent hard working woman who has really come into her own over the last ten years. The change in her confidence and self-esteem is wonderful to see, and I'm proud of her accomplishments. As mother-in-laws go she's a good one; kind, caring, considerate and generous...

..I know you can hear the but coming...BUT there are times her taking over, smothering and general narcissism have me rolling my eyes and leaving the room before my inner monologue becomes a soliloquy. I have very little time or patience for those who show off, celebrate your success and discuss the compliments you have been paid but bragging and boasting is just plain abnormal egotism. It's also inexorably insipid and tedious. In addition to liking to sing her own praises, when we visit she takes over and I take a back seat. I do this because L's parents live 8,000 miles away and those 2-3 weeks once or twice a year are the only time he gets to spend with them. Geography aside, I won't put him in the position where he is stuck between a rock and a hard place: us! You've got to pick your battles and to date we've not clashed over anything. I might once have aired my opinion on her husband's selfish response and total absence of concern when L was in a car crash which totalled his car, and I might not have minced my words or left any ambiguity to how much I applauded her love in staying with a man so undeniably petty and callous. I might have done that. Once.

I wonder what her issues with me are: no grandchildren? Too opinionated? Too indecisive? Too hotheaded? Too moody? Too demanding? Too aloof? Too dismissive? I know she feels I 'seduced her son' because she's told a table full people - twice. Well, aren't I the veritable tramp?

Either which way, derisive humour and comments aside, I know I'm lucky with J if the worst of our relationship issues is the minor complaint that she has a tendency to brag too much and take over. It could be far worse and I am thankful for that. I miss her when we're here and no one makes Christmas special in the way that she does, and above all I am reverently aware without her I wouldn't have L and for him I'd put up with her being a complete overbearing dragon.

Trouble with Mother

I've never understood my mother in law. 

We've never had a particularly close or very supporting relationship.  Yes I confess to saying something along the lines of accusing her of having the emotional depth and warmth of a corpse...and I still stand by that comment.  I know saying that and having that opinion doesn't and won't help our relationship but a rose is still a weed no matter what you call it.

Of course there have been times when she has shared intimate details with me, not about herself but about family in general.  When L's sister went off the rails and rogue for a year or so I tried to be the bridge between them.  I tried to be there for both of them, to listen without offering advice, to sympathise without judging and to be whatever they needed me to be at that moment.  It was tough on everyone but possibly the toughest on L because he was away so much with the Army he couldn't be there to mediate, or support, or comfort, yet he was expected to fix it.

None of that has stopped her from being the proverbial mother in law from hell at times though; she's ritually humiliated me at family gatherings, tells me I'm over weight - often, belittles my beliefs or knowledge of things, ridicules my mum in my presence, repeatedly fails to comfort when its needed and worst of all in my opinion ignores L and favours his sister.

I've lost count of the amount of times her treatment of L has made me so angry and so upset, but yesterday was something else.  Yesterday was L's birthday and aside from the fact that no birthday cards or presents have arrived for him yet they didn't even call.  He had to call them.  We used our xbox connect to video call them free, we used to use skype but the connection was often awful and repeatedly dropped out.  No longer than 5 minutes into the call his mother wanders off and comes back talking on skype to her sister.  Not I'm talking to L on his birthday and will call you back, no I'll have a full blown conversation with you and completely ignore my son plus ruin his call to his dad and sister.

I just don't understand how she can behave like this or even why she would?  To me it reeks of childish petulant attention seeking but there has to be more to it than that.  If this were a one time occurance I'd dismiss it, but this kind of thing happens too often for comfort. And I don't know what to make of it.

Tissues for my Issues, Pudding, Tiredness and Impending Goodbyes

It could have been the jet lag or it could have been PMT or it could have just been me having a moment but the other day I found myself sobbing, inconsolable, for hours.

I was tired.

I was bone weary tired of carrying the burden of my recent past.

As I cried I realised that I was tired of mourning the loss of trust in my mum.  I was tired of being angry, of being hurt, of being disappointed and of disappointing in turn.  I was tired of analysing it all, tired of caring, tired of always being scared, tired of my constant companion insidious doubt.  I was tired of complicated and fraught relationships, tired of low self-esteem, tired of fighting to be heard and listened to, tired of being pushed to the side and dismissed, tired of giving in to other people for the sake of peace and quiet, tired of doing things out of duty rather than because I wanted to, tired of being considerate and getting bugger all in return, tired of feeling overwhelmed and lost and frustrated.  Tired of being anxious, tired of pretending everything was okay, tired of feeling trapped and most of all I was just simply tired of it all.

And the whole time I did the same voice that I always hear in my head at such emotional moments was telling me I was being a melodramatic drama queen.  I felt weak, stupid, pathetic, childish and unworthy.

Eventually I washed my face, blew my nose (alot) and flushed the issued filled tissues down the toilet before I took myself off to see my little pudding.  I needed, for however transient a moment, to hold him in my arms and soothe him off to sleep. I needed the peace of it and I needed the calmness that I feel when I do.

I needed to comfort and reassure and I needed to be lost in that task without thought or emotion.  I can physically flush my issues away but its never restores calmness to me the way holding his warm, solid little body in my arms does.

K, the girls and pudding move next week...