Trouble with Mother

I've never understood my mother in law. 

We've never had a particularly close or very supporting relationship.  Yes I confess to saying something along the lines of accusing her of having the emotional depth and warmth of a corpse...and I still stand by that comment.  I know saying that and having that opinion doesn't and won't help our relationship but a rose is still a weed no matter what you call it.

Of course there have been times when she has shared intimate details with me, not about herself but about family in general.  When L's sister went off the rails and rogue for a year or so I tried to be the bridge between them.  I tried to be there for both of them, to listen without offering advice, to sympathise without judging and to be whatever they needed me to be at that moment.  It was tough on everyone but possibly the toughest on L because he was away so much with the Army he couldn't be there to mediate, or support, or comfort, yet he was expected to fix it.

None of that has stopped her from being the proverbial mother in law from hell at times though; she's ritually humiliated me at family gatherings, tells me I'm over weight - often, belittles my beliefs or knowledge of things, ridicules my mum in my presence, repeatedly fails to comfort when its needed and worst of all in my opinion ignores L and favours his sister.

I've lost count of the amount of times her treatment of L has made me so angry and so upset, but yesterday was something else.  Yesterday was L's birthday and aside from the fact that no birthday cards or presents have arrived for him yet they didn't even call.  He had to call them.  We used our xbox connect to video call them free, we used to use skype but the connection was often awful and repeatedly dropped out.  No longer than 5 minutes into the call his mother wanders off and comes back talking on skype to her sister.  Not I'm talking to L on his birthday and will call you back, no I'll have a full blown conversation with you and completely ignore my son plus ruin his call to his dad and sister.

I just don't understand how she can behave like this or even why she would?  To me it reeks of childish petulant attention seeking but there has to be more to it than that.  If this were a one time occurance I'd dismiss it, but this kind of thing happens too often for comfort. And I don't know what to make of it.

Lessons Learnt

I'm back from a few days away...and I learnt ALOT about myself while I was away.

I learnt that family is important to me.
Things have never been the same between me and my family since L and I got married.  I didn't have to learn that because I've never stopped knowing it.  BUT I did learn that I miss what we had before and I feel like I have no sense of family now.  I want to to fix things but at the moment it feels impossible because it still hurts and for the time being I am unable to look at them without seeing the hurt and feeling it too.  I just have to trust that given time things will get better and it won't always be like this.  And I do.

I learnt that I am not good with emotion.
When I feel like things are becoming too intense or that I am expected to talk openly and honestly about feelings ... I want and need to run away.  I am not good with other people's emotions either and I build defences to protect myself against them.

I learnt that I am fed up with L being away so much.
I've confessed this to people often but I didn't feel it like I felt it when surrounded by K and her family; her girls C and H and my little pudding M and her husband J.  I felt like an outsider, a spare part and someone to be pitied especially when they - K and her parents - gave me a anniversary card on mine and L's wedding anniversary yesterday.  My sisters don't give us a card but K and her family did, which is neither here nor there.  It made me angry with L for putting me in that situation, even though its not really his fault and I made my own choice.

I learnt that I do not like being relied upon.
I want to run away when I'm faced with other people needing me.  When I look in their eyes and see their raw need, the expectation and the desire to be reassured that I am always going to be there for them...I want to run away.  I want to tell them that their faith and need is misplaced if they're counting on me.  I want to tell them that they shouldn't count on me because I'm selfish and unreliable and although I have the best intentions I am flighty and I am drifter and so therefore shouldn't and can't be relied upon for anything.

I learnt that I can be a patient person.
I have all the patience in the world for K's children and they never cease to be an amazement for me - when I am with them they make me want to have children and that is an amazement!  BUT that desire doesn't last long!  It is enough for me to know that should I so choose to become a mother...I have it in me to be a good one. 
Most importantly, I can and do trust that I have the patience to wait to heal fully.  When the time is right and I am ready...things will stop hurting and I will stop doubting.

I learnt that I am duplicitous.
I am not good at allowing people to get close to me or permitting them to see my vulnerability, so I always pretend everything is okay and I am okay.  I will, no matter what, pretend to be stronger than I am and therefore someone other than I am.

Sibling Rivalry?

I read an article today that struck a chord. It was like the author had crawled inside my head and pulled out my perception of the relationship I have with my older sister – by 5 years – T.

Like all sisters we have fought and squabbled throughout our childhood and into adulthood, I’m reliably informed that it’s what sisters do.

I too like the author have only ever wanted the kind of relationship with T where I could feel secure in turning to her for advice, for a sympathetic ear, for support and the kind of bond I believed I was missing out on. That isn’t to say I don’t for one moment know without a doubt that should a moment ever arrive in which I really needed T she would be there for me. The difference is I know that such support would come at a cost and with her usual barbed comments of being a drama queen, of the mess I’m in being just typical of me, what did I think was going to happen – well you see where I am going with this.

To be entirely honest T is a bully, and I can’t say that I like her much as a person. At times I only love her because she’s my sister and so ...I HAVE to. That however, doesn’t negate the knowledge that she wouldn’t be her if she wasn’t a bully, if she didn’t put me down, belittle me, ritually humiliate me, tell me how to live my life, or generally bulldoze her way into my life. Contrary to my sister’s popular belief I am not stupid.

Perhaps it is ridiculous of me to dread spending any amount of time with her for fear of not knowing whether I am going to be in her good books or her bad ones. After all I’m an adult so I should feel confident in myself and my successes. Yet somehow a few hours in T’s company has me more on edge and doubting myself than anything or anyone else has the power to.

I’ve often talked to our mum about her treatment of me. I’ve confessed that no one can hurt me the way that T does and admitted I often feel like she hates me, but that I’ve no idea what it is that I’ve done to deserve it. Is she jealous? T is an intelligent, successful graphic designer with a doting husband who adores her, a fabulous house that reflects her classic taste and a flair for creativity that can’t be matched – what have I got that she could possible want? At present I am a rather lost housewife floundering around with mathematics in the vain hope I can pass and get a grade C so that I can progress onto a teach training course – something I doubt that I’ll be successful or good at and am therefore unsure if I should try to achieve it – knowing this won’t be my final career choice because I’m well... fickle and indecisive.

The long and short of it is that I’m fearful T will push me too far one day and like the author of the article I’ll snap and cut her out of my life. I’ve done it before for 4 months when she last really upset me, I only relented at mum’s urging. It is always me who is the peace maker in our arguments and always at mum’s urging.

So, having read this article I can and do completely sympathise with the author. I hear hurt in her voice and also see the hurt child that she still is inside. As comforting as it is to know I’m not the only one who has a turbulent relationship with my sibling, it also makes me think I should stay away from Disney and books like Little Women. T might be a selfish, opinionated and bully but she’s my sister above and beyond all else. Her less desirable traits I can choose to ignore (however hard this may be), the fact she’s my sister I can’t, which I why I am thankful every day of my life that I have Trish - the sister of my heart – in my life. She is everything and more that I could want in a sister but what we have is in some ways more special because we aren’t related by blood, our love and respect for each other is one of choice not because we HAVE to.

In case you’re interested here’s the article http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1289366