Day 08 Someone Who Made Your Life Hell, or Treated You Like Shit.

This one is beyond easy, it doesn't require a moment of hesitation or thought. The one person who leaps to mind when I ask myself 'who do I think of when I am asked to name someone who has made my life hell or treated me like shit?' my sister T.

I don't mean that in the sibling rivalry kind of way where one bullies the other or you break each others toys, read each others diaries or borrow each others things without asking. I mean that in she broke my heart and really hurt me kind of way.

She hurt me, she made me cry, she took her love away and I had it coming, so I took it as best as I could knowing I deserved a good measure, if not all, of it.

When I look at the finer details and separate them from emotion - never an easy task - it all seems so small, so silly for us to have had such a huge falling out over something that really does seem...well trivial. It really does seem petty and ridiculous and not at all understandable or reasonable. Baring these observations in mind when I then apply my emotions to it and take them in to consideration too I feel a little sheepish and pathetic. I feel a lot like the name calling of 'drama queen' and 'over sensitive' is appropriate. Is justified.

If I take a step back in the name of finding balance and look the whole 'thing' from a neutral stance there is definitely right and wrong on both sides. Yet, despite accepting that being told that she has (recently) said that 'she wasn't fair to Natasha' doesn't make me forgive her. How she made me feel still hurts too much for me to even consider it. I am using my anger - it much the same way as I use humour - as a way to avoid dealing with something I find incredibly difficult. Knowing T has voiced her guilt, may be even her remorse, doesn't change my reaction.

I can accept my role and take responsibility for what I did to deserve her wrath but I can not heal myself nor even take comfort in knowing it is in my past.

I guess it is still too raw for me to have learned anything from it and be the wiser for it.

Sibling Rivalry?

I read an article today that struck a chord. It was like the author had crawled inside my head and pulled out my perception of the relationship I have with my older sister – by 5 years – T.

Like all sisters we have fought and squabbled throughout our childhood and into adulthood, I’m reliably informed that it’s what sisters do.

I too like the author have only ever wanted the kind of relationship with T where I could feel secure in turning to her for advice, for a sympathetic ear, for support and the kind of bond I believed I was missing out on. That isn’t to say I don’t for one moment know without a doubt that should a moment ever arrive in which I really needed T she would be there for me. The difference is I know that such support would come at a cost and with her usual barbed comments of being a drama queen, of the mess I’m in being just typical of me, what did I think was going to happen – well you see where I am going with this.

To be entirely honest T is a bully, and I can’t say that I like her much as a person. At times I only love her because she’s my sister and so ...I HAVE to. That however, doesn’t negate the knowledge that she wouldn’t be her if she wasn’t a bully, if she didn’t put me down, belittle me, ritually humiliate me, tell me how to live my life, or generally bulldoze her way into my life. Contrary to my sister’s popular belief I am not stupid.

Perhaps it is ridiculous of me to dread spending any amount of time with her for fear of not knowing whether I am going to be in her good books or her bad ones. After all I’m an adult so I should feel confident in myself and my successes. Yet somehow a few hours in T’s company has me more on edge and doubting myself than anything or anyone else has the power to.

I’ve often talked to our mum about her treatment of me. I’ve confessed that no one can hurt me the way that T does and admitted I often feel like she hates me, but that I’ve no idea what it is that I’ve done to deserve it. Is she jealous? T is an intelligent, successful graphic designer with a doting husband who adores her, a fabulous house that reflects her classic taste and a flair for creativity that can’t be matched – what have I got that she could possible want? At present I am a rather lost housewife floundering around with mathematics in the vain hope I can pass and get a grade C so that I can progress onto a teach training course – something I doubt that I’ll be successful or good at and am therefore unsure if I should try to achieve it – knowing this won’t be my final career choice because I’m well... fickle and indecisive.

The long and short of it is that I’m fearful T will push me too far one day and like the author of the article I’ll snap and cut her out of my life. I’ve done it before for 4 months when she last really upset me, I only relented at mum’s urging. It is always me who is the peace maker in our arguments and always at mum’s urging.

So, having read this article I can and do completely sympathise with the author. I hear hurt in her voice and also see the hurt child that she still is inside. As comforting as it is to know I’m not the only one who has a turbulent relationship with my sibling, it also makes me think I should stay away from Disney and books like Little Women. T might be a selfish, opinionated and bully but she’s my sister above and beyond all else. Her less desirable traits I can choose to ignore (however hard this may be), the fact she’s my sister I can’t, which I why I am thankful every day of my life that I have Trish - the sister of my heart – in my life. She is everything and more that I could want in a sister but what we have is in some ways more special because we aren’t related by blood, our love and respect for each other is one of choice not because we HAVE to.

In case you’re interested here’s the article http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1289366