One of the things, and trust me there have been many, that people have neglected to tell me about pregnancy is the mood swings. In particular the anger.
By my very nature I am a worrier, have control issues, am an internaliser and am a perfectionist. Have kind of set myself up for constant failure with those attributes.
I have come to realise in the last month that I've turned into the female version of the hulk, you know losing my temper, no one likes me when I'm angry and generally wanting to smash things. I seem to have the urge to punch people in the throat when my temper flares, luckily for me I've not given in to that.
So many people said, "It's the hormones" and I played lip service to it, I mean I'm meant to be glowing right? I'm meant to have that second trimester-have-stopped-decorating-car-parks-with-vomit-glow, not the radioactive I'm-counting-to-a-million-to-stop-me-from-punching-you-in-the-throat or unleashing-sarcastic-hell-that-will-make-you-cry red that I'm currently rocking.
Having googled pregnancy and anger I don't feel so unhinged or alone, but how did no one tell me about this?????
I dropped L off at the train station so he could go into London to meet his friends, poor bloke deserves a reprieve, came home and sobbed for the better part of an hour. I don't recognise myself and the perfectionist in me won't accept that everyone else is walking around like they are on eggshells around me accepting that it is 'just the hormones'. I'm mortified. I'm ashamed. Worst of all I feel like I've no control over my emotions, or just about any facet of my life, at the moment.
Work is stressful - when is it not - with a Teaching Assistant who is about as useful as titts on a fish and a job share partner covering maternity leave that is leaving me 'to pick up the slack' while she finds her feet. Oh, and did I mention a parent made a complaint against me because she sent her child into school with shorts and a t-shirt to do outdoor PE in (like about 90% of the other parents) and I let the lesson go ahead with the insistence that all children wear at least a jumper?
To say I feel overwhelmed, out of control, fearful that I'm going to be the worst parent in the world and like I really just 'don't want to people' is an understatement.
Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
Saturday, 2 December 2017
Sunday, 8 October 2017
Things They Don't Tell You About a Career in Teaching
When you're training to be a teacher there's a great deal your lecturers will tell you, in fact for the most part your head will feel like it's going to explode will all the new skills and knowledge you're trying to cram into it, but there's a vast amount they DON'T tell you.
1. You never stop being a teacher in hundred little ways from meerkat peering at your ducklings to make sure they're behaving, to constantly having to resist the urge to use your 'teacher voice' when any situation feels like it's heading in the wrong direction. It never stops.
2. You will hate the sound of your own voice. You've no idea how true this is for me, I have reached the point where I do not want to talk unless it's via the medium of inarticulate sounds or rapid hand gestures.
3. It's okay to say 'no' to the feeling you must work even though you were in school at 07:30, have brought your uneaten lunch home (twice to both of those), not walked outside in daylight for three days - or was it more? You will wake in the middle of night thinking "Shit! I haven't done so and so".
4. You will crave solitude like an addict and even if you aren't a bath person you'll start taking them because it's one of the few places where you can get five minutes of echoing silence.
5. Everything is a potential resource or has a lesson or activity in it. Everything - running that bath? Maths - capacity and volume, English - the poetry of the sound of the gushing water, PSHE - how fortunate we are have running water, History - Victorian plumbing and the invention of, Geography - water sources, Art/DT painting reflection in water and designing a water floatations, Science - the minerals and additives to found in our water....the list is endless
6. It's possible to loath and love your job in equal measure. You will hate the endless paperwork, the bureaucratic paperwork that stands in the way of getting your ducklings all right help that they need, the long thankless hours, but you will love being the person your ducklings rush to share something with, love their pictorial offerings, love when you see them working so hard to grasp a concept and you will love their nativity efforts. Most of all you will love trying to help them unlock their potential and encouraging them every stumbling step along the way.
7. You will be exhausted and frustrated and hungry and needing a pee and you will convey all of that to your ducklings. Then you'll be saddened that you're turning into one of 'those' teachers, it will break your heart in every possible way but from that you will pause, take a breath and exhale and change.
8. There will be days when you will come home and feel the inexplicable need to cry, your day has been relentless and you've been reactionary to a myriad of last minute decisions for books to be scrutinised for marking, for risk assessments, behaviour reports written, parents who wish to speak to you, lesson plans, gifts for hampers, etc. Some days you cry, some days you say "no" and go out for a meal with friends and some days you just have a bath
1. You never stop being a teacher in hundred little ways from meerkat peering at your ducklings to make sure they're behaving, to constantly having to resist the urge to use your 'teacher voice' when any situation feels like it's heading in the wrong direction. It never stops.
2. You will hate the sound of your own voice. You've no idea how true this is for me, I have reached the point where I do not want to talk unless it's via the medium of inarticulate sounds or rapid hand gestures.
3. It's okay to say 'no' to the feeling you must work even though you were in school at 07:30, have brought your uneaten lunch home (twice to both of those), not walked outside in daylight for three days - or was it more? You will wake in the middle of night thinking "Shit! I haven't done so and so".
4. You will crave solitude like an addict and even if you aren't a bath person you'll start taking them because it's one of the few places where you can get five minutes of echoing silence.
5. Everything is a potential resource or has a lesson or activity in it. Everything - running that bath? Maths - capacity and volume, English - the poetry of the sound of the gushing water, PSHE - how fortunate we are have running water, History - Victorian plumbing and the invention of, Geography - water sources, Art/DT painting reflection in water and designing a water floatations, Science - the minerals and additives to found in our water....the list is endless
6. It's possible to loath and love your job in equal measure. You will hate the endless paperwork, the bureaucratic paperwork that stands in the way of getting your ducklings all right help that they need, the long thankless hours, but you will love being the person your ducklings rush to share something with, love their pictorial offerings, love when you see them working so hard to grasp a concept and you will love their nativity efforts. Most of all you will love trying to help them unlock their potential and encouraging them every stumbling step along the way.
7. You will be exhausted and frustrated and hungry and needing a pee and you will convey all of that to your ducklings. Then you'll be saddened that you're turning into one of 'those' teachers, it will break your heart in every possible way but from that you will pause, take a breath and exhale and change.
8. There will be days when you will come home and feel the inexplicable need to cry, your day has been relentless and you've been reactionary to a myriad of last minute decisions for books to be scrutinised for marking, for risk assessments, behaviour reports written, parents who wish to speak to you, lesson plans, gifts for hampers, etc. Some days you cry, some days you say "no" and go out for a meal with friends and some days you just have a bath
Not My Finest Hour
Wednesday morning I woke up jangling and discordant from nightmares and my chatty brain. Over the years I've slowly learnt that work is just work, I can be passionate and committed to teaching but won't allow it to consume me.
Lately I've not been so good at this. I've felt stressed and overwhelmed with the weight of doing a job share when the other worker hasn't been pulling their full weight, maybe I did take over and possibly it hasn't occurred to my work partner that I might be struggling. Work has invaded my dreams and consciousness on every level lately, plus.....I'm 12 weeks pregnant and have been having reoccurring nightmares about losing the baby.
So, when that work colleague came to get me to clean the staff room as it was year group's turn and I saw three foot of dirty dishes, cups and a filthy side (bearing in mind I don't work a Monday and Tuesday) I lost my cool.
What followed next was a temper tantrum of a rant, I bluntly told the entire staff room that I was disgusted by such levels of selfish bone idleness from supposed adults. I audibly chastised that they were a bunch of adults who most certainly wouldn't leave dirty dishes and crap all over the side at home, so demanded to know why they would do it at work. I continued with my tirade to say I don't access the staff room, therefore no one has to clear after me so why should I do after other said adults?
I was in such a foul mood the deputy head took me to his office to calm down and once in there I only continued with my rant/temper tantrum. Not my finest hour.
Basically, I've owned up to being petty and silly for allowing something so trivial to get under my skin, I've also apologised for my childish behaviour but....have point blank refused to clean the staff room moving forward: I don't use it as I work through my break and lunch so the other 'adults' can damn well clear up their own mess!
Wednesday, 12 October 2016
Wednesday Wonderings
It has indeed been a while since I knocked one of these up, I've been very busy this summer more or less living out of our car as L and I have been up and down England, and here, there and everywhere in Italy. It was almost a relief to start school and work again. Almost.
1. Why can't all the consultants at the supply agency I work for give clear information, you know like the postcode of where you're going, the year group, if there is planning... Apparently it's rocket science!
2. When should I decorate for Autumn? Part of me is itching to and the other part doesn't relish digging about in the cupboard under the stairs. There will be spiders and I will scream.
3. Why do I stay up and eat rubbish when L goes away? It's like I turn into a rebellious child! What do you mean LIKE, you do turn into a child!
4. Will I get that job of teaching 3 days a week for 6 weeks? You can but hope. And smile nicely, but don't show too much teeth, you look like you're snarling when you do that.
5. When will they change our windows and doors? Everyone is having them done where we live but I'd bet my last £10 that it won't be before we move and can therefore feel the benefit with a lower heating bill. Yeah, so that will be the day you move out!
6. Why are some people so doom and gloom? Sheesh! It's exhausting listening to their misery! Which is why you stop listening when they resist your attempts to cheer them up. You're nice like that.
7. Why does toast always land buttered side down when you drop it? Because it's the last slice and you really, really want it.
8. Why are my dreams so weird at the moment? I actualLy dreamt about having a temper tantrum over people not making enough fuss of me and my birthday! What a diva.
9. If I promise myself that I'll go to bed and try to sleep at a reasonable hour, will I actually do it? Not in this life time, apparently you like looking haggard.
10. Is there anything more despicable than football hooligans? Yes but it makes you sad to think of them, so don't.
11. What can you do with a child who kicks another child simply because they are in their way? Communicate with them, put consequences in place and repeat, repeat, repeat.
12. Will I ever stop jumping every time my phone lights up or vibrates in case it is a call for work from the agency? Probably not anytime soon.
13. Can I be more excited about my mumma coming to visit in a few weeks? Yes, but not too excited you might pee yourself, since going back to work and having to hold your bladder for hours at a time it's not as strong as it used to be.
14. Will L and I get the kind of house we've requested when we move? Truth is I'd be happy with any house as I know there are people the world over without one. Patience Natasha.
15. Where has my gym mojo gone? To the bottom of a crisp packet at a guess.
16. Am I seriously down to my last £40 in my account? Ah man! Yes, so get off the Internet and stop torturing yourself with what you can't have!
1. Why can't all the consultants at the supply agency I work for give clear information, you know like the postcode of where you're going, the year group, if there is planning... Apparently it's rocket science!
2. When should I decorate for Autumn? Part of me is itching to and the other part doesn't relish digging about in the cupboard under the stairs. There will be spiders and I will scream.
3. Why do I stay up and eat rubbish when L goes away? It's like I turn into a rebellious child! What do you mean LIKE, you do turn into a child!
4. Will I get that job of teaching 3 days a week for 6 weeks? You can but hope. And smile nicely, but don't show too much teeth, you look like you're snarling when you do that.
5. When will they change our windows and doors? Everyone is having them done where we live but I'd bet my last £10 that it won't be before we move and can therefore feel the benefit with a lower heating bill. Yeah, so that will be the day you move out!
6. Why are some people so doom and gloom? Sheesh! It's exhausting listening to their misery! Which is why you stop listening when they resist your attempts to cheer them up. You're nice like that.
7. Why does toast always land buttered side down when you drop it? Because it's the last slice and you really, really want it.
8. Why are my dreams so weird at the moment? I actualLy dreamt about having a temper tantrum over people not making enough fuss of me and my birthday! What a diva.
9. If I promise myself that I'll go to bed and try to sleep at a reasonable hour, will I actually do it? Not in this life time, apparently you like looking haggard.
10. Is there anything more despicable than football hooligans? Yes but it makes you sad to think of them, so don't.
11. What can you do with a child who kicks another child simply because they are in their way? Communicate with them, put consequences in place and repeat, repeat, repeat.
12. Will I ever stop jumping every time my phone lights up or vibrates in case it is a call for work from the agency? Probably not anytime soon.
13. Can I be more excited about my mumma coming to visit in a few weeks? Yes, but not too excited you might pee yourself, since going back to work and having to hold your bladder for hours at a time it's not as strong as it used to be.
14. Will L and I get the kind of house we've requested when we move? Truth is I'd be happy with any house as I know there are people the world over without one. Patience Natasha.
15. Where has my gym mojo gone? To the bottom of a crisp packet at a guess.
16. Am I seriously down to my last £40 in my account? Ah man! Yes, so get off the Internet and stop torturing yourself with what you can't have!
Thursday, 29 September 2016
One Strike and You're Out!
Supply teaching, like any job, can be absolutely amazing and have you skipping home on your toes, it can also give you the worst tension headache and have you repeatedly asking yourself why you put yourself through such stress for a wage packet.
Yesterday I experienced the latter.
I got a last minute shout to cover in the afternoon in a school I've not been to before. The brief was simple: year 6 or 3 (school haven't decided yet), French but no planning required as school have resources and a package they'd like you to follow. Brilliant, no problem at all. Except...no planning, two year 6 classes back to back, both of which who have had a different supply teacher for French since the start of term, no TA support, no information on the classes I was teaching (numbers, key personalities etc), it was a windy day, plus they'd had parents' morning and MacMillan Coffee Morning....it was awful! Truly terrible.
I had to interrupt their class teacher's PPA, something I never do and have never done before, knowing full well how precious uninterrupted PPA time is.
The class TA tried her best to reassure me that they were usually a good class...but I'm not and indeed wasn't, convinced.
I rarely do this but that school is one school on my strike list, I will be thinking long and hard before I take another booking there. Harsh? Perhaps to some but if I compare the school to the many others I've been in and I think about the fact they've had different supply each week, I'm not sure the whole error lies in the brief from the agency. Plus, I'm mindful of the class TA's comments later concerning the habitual behaviour from the very children I had issues with. Either which way I count myself extremely lucky that I'm able to be in the position as a supply teacher in which I can take control of my working conditions.
Maybe not quite one strike and you're out but almost there....
Yesterday I experienced the latter.
I got a last minute shout to cover in the afternoon in a school I've not been to before. The brief was simple: year 6 or 3 (school haven't decided yet), French but no planning required as school have resources and a package they'd like you to follow. Brilliant, no problem at all. Except...no planning, two year 6 classes back to back, both of which who have had a different supply teacher for French since the start of term, no TA support, no information on the classes I was teaching (numbers, key personalities etc), it was a windy day, plus they'd had parents' morning and MacMillan Coffee Morning....it was awful! Truly terrible.
I had to interrupt their class teacher's PPA, something I never do and have never done before, knowing full well how precious uninterrupted PPA time is.
The class TA tried her best to reassure me that they were usually a good class...but I'm not and indeed wasn't, convinced.
I rarely do this but that school is one school on my strike list, I will be thinking long and hard before I take another booking there. Harsh? Perhaps to some but if I compare the school to the many others I've been in and I think about the fact they've had different supply each week, I'm not sure the whole error lies in the brief from the agency. Plus, I'm mindful of the class TA's comments later concerning the habitual behaviour from the very children I had issues with. Either which way I count myself extremely lucky that I'm able to be in the position as a supply teacher in which I can take control of my working conditions.
Maybe not quite one strike and you're out but almost there....
Wednesday, 4 May 2016
Wednesday Wonderings
It's been a while (more like forever) since I last posted one of these insightful glimpses into the randomness that is my thought process and imagination, and if I had my wits about me I'd offer an excuse...I did say "if".
1. How a child can swear blind that they've no idea how to use the clues to solve the problem of finding the missing number for the better part of an hour, only to complete it in minutes when I take away part of his lunch break? Funny old thing that.
2. Why has Spring forgotten to come this year? We had hail stones that were almost the size of 5 pence pieces at the weekend. Brilliant!
3. Where I got the misguided notion from that supply teaching would mean less stress and a better quality of life, you know that achieving that whole working to live and not living to work thing....yeah, not happening.
4. Why do children fart so much? Seriously, there aren't enough windows in my classroom to help with that one.
5. If life is short why do staff meetings feel like an eternity?
6. Just how on a Monday am I to mark 68 books by 11:30 when I am teaching all morning and on playground duty? I've got nothing in solution to that.
7. Who do I need to thank for the 1% salary increase and the 1.4% increase to National Insurance rendering me ACTUALLY WORSE OFF!? Cheers modern equivalent to the Sheriff of Nottingham.
8. Why do they keep giving the job of Education minister to oxygen thieving paper shuffling pushing village idiots? £££ that will be why.
9. Why after having itchy feet to move for so long am I now so reluctant to? Because you're difficult and contrary.
10. Why can't I drag my exhausted butt out of bed for work and wake startled with leopard print spots in front of my eyes when the alarm goes off Monday to Thursday, yet the weekend comes around and I'm up with birds in search of coffee and watching them grub about in the garden? Because you're weird.
11. Will I ever find the words to describe just how challenging, amazing, exhausting, thrilling and maddeningly ironic teaching children is? Probably not.
1. How a child can swear blind that they've no idea how to use the clues to solve the problem of finding the missing number for the better part of an hour, only to complete it in minutes when I take away part of his lunch break? Funny old thing that.
2. Why has Spring forgotten to come this year? We had hail stones that were almost the size of 5 pence pieces at the weekend. Brilliant!
3. Where I got the misguided notion from that supply teaching would mean less stress and a better quality of life, you know that achieving that whole working to live and not living to work thing....yeah, not happening.
4. Why do children fart so much? Seriously, there aren't enough windows in my classroom to help with that one.
5. If life is short why do staff meetings feel like an eternity?
6. Just how on a Monday am I to mark 68 books by 11:30 when I am teaching all morning and on playground duty? I've got nothing in solution to that.
7. Who do I need to thank for the 1% salary increase and the 1.4% increase to National Insurance rendering me ACTUALLY WORSE OFF!? Cheers modern equivalent to the Sheriff of Nottingham.
8. Why do they keep giving the job of Education minister to oxygen thieving paper shuffling pushing village idiots? £££ that will be why.
9. Why after having itchy feet to move for so long am I now so reluctant to? Because you're difficult and contrary.
10. Why can't I drag my exhausted butt out of bed for work and wake startled with leopard print spots in front of my eyes when the alarm goes off Monday to Thursday, yet the weekend comes around and I'm up with birds in search of coffee and watching them grub about in the garden? Because you're weird.
11. Will I ever find the words to describe just how challenging, amazing, exhausting, thrilling and maddeningly ironic teaching children is? Probably not.
Friday, 1 April 2016
Supply and Demand
In September of last year I went back to supply teaching once I'd completed my NQT year. To be entirely frank it was a really easy decision to make, I weighed my stress levels, exhaustion, the work load and my mood against my need for quality of life and love for my marriage. Many non-teaching professionals across the world are unaware of just how many arguments between husbands and wives are about the amount of work teachers do, how little time and attention they truly give their loved ones. I'm not masquerading under the elitist illusion that teaching professionals are alone in the domestic strife caused by the pressure of workloads, it's endemic to modern society unless you are wealthy enough not to need to have to work for a living. And that statement there - 'work for a living' is what made me go back to supply teaching, I want to work to live not have my life consumed by work.
On the plus side since starting in September I've hardly been out of work, aside from early in September and January when teachers hadn't had a chance to run themselves into the ground and fall prey to illness but otherwise I've been turning down bookings. Yes, I've had the luxury of turning down work because supply work and listening to my mind and body needs allows me to do that.
My agency have been pretty good, accepting when I say 'no thank you' to bookings, checking in with me while I am at bookings and providing feedback from schools. I don't expect any different as a happy worker is someone making everyone money. That isn't to say I've not had to chase them up for various things, or fight my own corner at times to not take bookings when they are in desperate need, or push back at schools when I feel they are starting to take advantage of my good nature (the last is a work in progress).
I've been extremely lucky that the two schools, yes I've only been to two schools since starting supply in September because both have continued to ask and book me on a weekly rolling basis, have been fantastic and I've loved them. I love the children I'm currently working with to the point I know I won't be dried eyed when it comes to leaving, but I will leave and I'm okay with that. I can forego the pleasure of hearing their clambering need for my attention so they can show me the work they've completed, or to share with me just as I need to take the register their latest joke, or their desperation to tell me all about their weekend as we're going into mass. My heart will break but I am confident there will be others and my fingers ar crossed that there will be.
Undeniably it's fantastic to be in demand as a supply teacher, I know I've been accepted by the children because I receive offerings of their affection on a daily basis and the permanent staff have accepted me by offering their support and guidance. I've been included in daily school life in every way.
So while I am in demand as a supply teacher, while we as a family unit are fortunate enough for us to have the luxury of choosing where and when I work, I am going to continue listening to my mind and body and making sure I get the balance right between supplying others demands of me.
On the plus side since starting in September I've hardly been out of work, aside from early in September and January when teachers hadn't had a chance to run themselves into the ground and fall prey to illness but otherwise I've been turning down bookings. Yes, I've had the luxury of turning down work because supply work and listening to my mind and body needs allows me to do that.
My agency have been pretty good, accepting when I say 'no thank you' to bookings, checking in with me while I am at bookings and providing feedback from schools. I don't expect any different as a happy worker is someone making everyone money. That isn't to say I've not had to chase them up for various things, or fight my own corner at times to not take bookings when they are in desperate need, or push back at schools when I feel they are starting to take advantage of my good nature (the last is a work in progress).
I've been extremely lucky that the two schools, yes I've only been to two schools since starting supply in September because both have continued to ask and book me on a weekly rolling basis, have been fantastic and I've loved them. I love the children I'm currently working with to the point I know I won't be dried eyed when it comes to leaving, but I will leave and I'm okay with that. I can forego the pleasure of hearing their clambering need for my attention so they can show me the work they've completed, or to share with me just as I need to take the register their latest joke, or their desperation to tell me all about their weekend as we're going into mass. My heart will break but I am confident there will be others and my fingers ar crossed that there will be.
Undeniably it's fantastic to be in demand as a supply teacher, I know I've been accepted by the children because I receive offerings of their affection on a daily basis and the permanent staff have accepted me by offering their support and guidance. I've been included in daily school life in every way.
So while I am in demand as a supply teacher, while we as a family unit are fortunate enough for us to have the luxury of choosing where and when I work, I am going to continue listening to my mind and body and making sure I get the balance right between supplying others demands of me.
Monday, 30 March 2015
Weighing the Truth
I sat across the table from them, cold yet sweating. I knew my time would come and that there would be questions that would need answering but forewarned wasn't automatically forearmed.
My defences we're in place and his disarming charm did little to reassure or lower my inhibitions.
I answered their questions truthfully with no embellishments and no agenda. It wasn't a pleasant experience.
I'm there for the better part of 3 hours, talking them through my day, giving them the bare facts and sticking to the question being asked.
The thing that has stuck with me the most...his comment that he's concerned I'm so focused on my class and my job I'm becoming 'entrenched' and he's worried about the pyschology impact this could have on me down the line...
I'm both stunned and not surprised at all.
He said it wasn't a criticism....but it feels like one, perhaps because it's true.
My defences we're in place and his disarming charm did little to reassure or lower my inhibitions.
I answered their questions truthfully with no embellishments and no agenda. It wasn't a pleasant experience.
I'm there for the better part of 3 hours, talking them through my day, giving them the bare facts and sticking to the question being asked.
The thing that has stuck with me the most...his comment that he's concerned I'm so focused on my class and my job I'm becoming 'entrenched' and he's worried about the pyschology impact this could have on me down the line...
I'm both stunned and not surprised at all.
He said it wasn't a criticism....but it feels like one, perhaps because it's true.
Sunday, 12 October 2014
Women Understand Women and They Hate Each Other
That statement has been ringing in my ears for some time now. The rest of goes, so what chance do men stand and right now I'd place myself with the men.
I'm an NQT (Newly Qualified Teacher) at a special school for children who have experienced sexual trauma, obviously it's tough. On any given day the children are always verbally aggressive and abusive, often violent and rarely remain in their seats for a whole lesson. Despite being sick of being someone else's punch and kick bag, I'm not too put out by it - they are children with deep rooted issues and no access to emotional literacy to express their trauma.
What I'm really struggling with is the toxic environment created by my colleagues. There's a power struggle going on between the current head and a teacher who wants her job (and is making it personal.) It's exhausting and a horrible place to be.
I made the decision to distance myself from it, after all I'm there to teach and nothing else, but in doing so I'm now very isolated. I'm floating in no man's land like a ephemeral ghost, searching for souls to guide me but having no light to gravitate to.
Recent changes aren't going to impact me too greatly, I've already been doing the lion's share of the work, teaching, planning and marking that another teacher has managed to shirk. What angers me is sitting on this knowledge, quietly, silently, being the woman that does that, but then being told that I'm most definitely flapping about it. No, no I'm not because nothing really changes for me.
I want out. These people are not my friends and they are not nice people. So now I sit and pray with fingers crossed for Friday to come, bringing with it the list of teaching vacancies.
I'm an NQT (Newly Qualified Teacher) at a special school for children who have experienced sexual trauma, obviously it's tough. On any given day the children are always verbally aggressive and abusive, often violent and rarely remain in their seats for a whole lesson. Despite being sick of being someone else's punch and kick bag, I'm not too put out by it - they are children with deep rooted issues and no access to emotional literacy to express their trauma.
What I'm really struggling with is the toxic environment created by my colleagues. There's a power struggle going on between the current head and a teacher who wants her job (and is making it personal.) It's exhausting and a horrible place to be.
I made the decision to distance myself from it, after all I'm there to teach and nothing else, but in doing so I'm now very isolated. I'm floating in no man's land like a ephemeral ghost, searching for souls to guide me but having no light to gravitate to.
Recent changes aren't going to impact me too greatly, I've already been doing the lion's share of the work, teaching, planning and marking that another teacher has managed to shirk. What angers me is sitting on this knowledge, quietly, silently, being the woman that does that, but then being told that I'm most definitely flapping about it. No, no I'm not because nothing really changes for me.
I want out. These people are not my friends and they are not nice people. So now I sit and pray with fingers crossed for Friday to come, bringing with it the list of teaching vacancies.
Thursday, 24 April 2014
Work vs Life
Some time ago I read an article that angered me greatly, it questioned whether a teacher in the current climate of education can ever hope to have a work-life balance. An undeniable hot topic. An unresolved one.
A work-life balance is hard to achieve in any business sector or job. For a start, everyone's understanding and concept of what a work-life balance differs.
No one argues with the notion that we all have a right to a life and to some relaxation time, but actually having those things....is another thing entirely. If you listen to the news or read the papers a picture of there being a dark cloud of doom hanging over the economy and working world is painted in infinite detail. Competition for jobs has increased, companies can afford to be more selective, the pressure in a job is increased as every company or establishment demands the very best from their employees and if you fail to give it...well step aside because there are plenty to fill your shoes. Rightly so when it comes to doing the job to the best of your ability, but I ask at what cost to the individual and eventually that sector?
As a person who has never been work shy and has regularly worked a 60+ hour week in my working career, I find myself stuck between a rock and a hard place when trying to navigate the conundrum of guilt versus a work-life balance.
Personally, I'm a perfectionist and I have high expectations for myself, which means I have a tendency to drive myself to stressed exhaustion. This doesn't bode well for my current career as a teacher. Yet, I've started to do a u-turn on many habits and previous beliefs, it's just a shame it took L rolling the car in a accident and his ruptured appendix for me to do that.
This time last year I was shoulder deep in my second placement on a PGCE course, training to be a primary school teacher. Understandably a PGCE is tough - the government, head teachers, parents and children want the very best you've got to give and I've started to view that period of my life as being equivalent of a 9 month obstacle course. When the afore mentioned things happened - L rolling the car and his appendix rupturing - I initially made the decision that the course and my placement came first...and have never quite forgiven myself for that. I swiftly realised I wasn't coping with the demands of physically looking after L, the masters level course work due and the general workload of the course and looking after a home, so I went to see the powers that be in university. Suffice to say I was stunned and distressed by the lack of support I received, especially as it was from a person I had somewhat put on a pedestal. That's a demon for another day.
It was precisely that moment that I asked myself 'Is anything or anyone worth more to me or more important than L and my own health?' The answer was an emphatic 'no'. Since that moment I've been struggling to define what a work-life balance means for me. I no longer think it's acceptable to spend hours at a laptop planning lessons, or bent backed over exercise books marking and responding to work while L waits patiently to spend time with me. I no longer think it's acceptable to use my own money to purchase resources or things to use in the classroom and most importantly to put anyone above and beyond L and myself. To be frank, I don't think it's acceptable to be consumed by a job even if it is a calling. Perhaps then I shouldn't be a teacher but I ask this, were I an accountant in a finance department I wouldn't be expected to bring my own calculator to the job, or pens, or any equipment in general in order to do my job. Should I be made to feel less or unsuitable for a job because I am not willing to put myself under unrealistic and unsustainable pressure to do it? Should I be ostracised or judged negatively because I think my health is far more important than marking books? Should I be made to fee guilty for putting my home life before my work life?
The answer to all those is 'no' and I resent anyone who thinks it is acceptable to make an individual feel guilty for giving any other answer. With this attitude in place I'm fearful of what a career as a teacher is going to be like for me. Perhaps my opinion is slightly skewed on this but the prevailing and very much dominant ideology present during the PGCE course was if you weren't prepared to sweat and bleed planning and teaching you weren't a teacher and you weren't suitable, taking care of a home and those you shared it with came down to 'just dust that will still be there at the end of the course' and loved ones 'will be understanding that you aren't spending time with them, that you are tired and snappy and swear and will often be tearful'.
The fact remains as I do embark on a teaching career I am not certain it is for me, I don't think any job and anyone is more important or more deserving of my time and attention than loved ones and my own health. I don't believe that it is healthy to be consumed by a need to spend every ounce of my energy and spend the majority of the hours in my day on my job. Perhaps it has gone unnoticed by many but without a good stable home life with support, a place that is your sanctuary to retreat to when your head has become a tangled ball of things left undone, there can be no happy work place or ethos. When we go out to work to earn a living, what are we working for? What do we do it for? Who are we doing it for! If it's money to buy things like holidays or gifts for people they are our motivation, we are working for them, our loved ones. If it is to make a difference in children's lives what use to them are we if we're exhausted, fuzzy headed, stressed and emotional?
So, to answer the question can a teacher ever have a work-life balance?....I'm inclined to say not if the prevailing message being conveyed during your training is one that tells you teaching comes first and family/personal life second. Until universities and schools tell students and teachers alike 'Your health NEEDS family and relaxation time and you SHOULDN'T be made to feel guilty about having it' there can be no balance. I could go into a lengthy diatribe about university lecturers using positive modelling (you know, like they told us trainees to use with our class) or I could mention Ofsted and Michael Gove's penchant for only providing negative feedback despite research stating this causes students (of any age) to shut down and disengage. But I don't have the time because I took the time to blog and now I've got to claw back the hour or so I spent doing that because I feel guilty it wasn't time spent planning lessons and I'm obviously not working hard enough if I've time to blog.
A work-life balance is hard to achieve in any business sector or job. For a start, everyone's understanding and concept of what a work-life balance differs.
No one argues with the notion that we all have a right to a life and to some relaxation time, but actually having those things....is another thing entirely. If you listen to the news or read the papers a picture of there being a dark cloud of doom hanging over the economy and working world is painted in infinite detail. Competition for jobs has increased, companies can afford to be more selective, the pressure in a job is increased as every company or establishment demands the very best from their employees and if you fail to give it...well step aside because there are plenty to fill your shoes. Rightly so when it comes to doing the job to the best of your ability, but I ask at what cost to the individual and eventually that sector?
As a person who has never been work shy and has regularly worked a 60+ hour week in my working career, I find myself stuck between a rock and a hard place when trying to navigate the conundrum of guilt versus a work-life balance.
Personally, I'm a perfectionist and I have high expectations for myself, which means I have a tendency to drive myself to stressed exhaustion. This doesn't bode well for my current career as a teacher. Yet, I've started to do a u-turn on many habits and previous beliefs, it's just a shame it took L rolling the car in a accident and his ruptured appendix for me to do that.
This time last year I was shoulder deep in my second placement on a PGCE course, training to be a primary school teacher. Understandably a PGCE is tough - the government, head teachers, parents and children want the very best you've got to give and I've started to view that period of my life as being equivalent of a 9 month obstacle course. When the afore mentioned things happened - L rolling the car and his appendix rupturing - I initially made the decision that the course and my placement came first...and have never quite forgiven myself for that. I swiftly realised I wasn't coping with the demands of physically looking after L, the masters level course work due and the general workload of the course and looking after a home, so I went to see the powers that be in university. Suffice to say I was stunned and distressed by the lack of support I received, especially as it was from a person I had somewhat put on a pedestal. That's a demon for another day.
It was precisely that moment that I asked myself 'Is anything or anyone worth more to me or more important than L and my own health?' The answer was an emphatic 'no'. Since that moment I've been struggling to define what a work-life balance means for me. I no longer think it's acceptable to spend hours at a laptop planning lessons, or bent backed over exercise books marking and responding to work while L waits patiently to spend time with me. I no longer think it's acceptable to use my own money to purchase resources or things to use in the classroom and most importantly to put anyone above and beyond L and myself. To be frank, I don't think it's acceptable to be consumed by a job even if it is a calling. Perhaps then I shouldn't be a teacher but I ask this, were I an accountant in a finance department I wouldn't be expected to bring my own calculator to the job, or pens, or any equipment in general in order to do my job. Should I be made to feel less or unsuitable for a job because I am not willing to put myself under unrealistic and unsustainable pressure to do it? Should I be ostracised or judged negatively because I think my health is far more important than marking books? Should I be made to fee guilty for putting my home life before my work life?
The answer to all those is 'no' and I resent anyone who thinks it is acceptable to make an individual feel guilty for giving any other answer. With this attitude in place I'm fearful of what a career as a teacher is going to be like for me. Perhaps my opinion is slightly skewed on this but the prevailing and very much dominant ideology present during the PGCE course was if you weren't prepared to sweat and bleed planning and teaching you weren't a teacher and you weren't suitable, taking care of a home and those you shared it with came down to 'just dust that will still be there at the end of the course' and loved ones 'will be understanding that you aren't spending time with them, that you are tired and snappy and swear and will often be tearful'.
The fact remains as I do embark on a teaching career I am not certain it is for me, I don't think any job and anyone is more important or more deserving of my time and attention than loved ones and my own health. I don't believe that it is healthy to be consumed by a need to spend every ounce of my energy and spend the majority of the hours in my day on my job. Perhaps it has gone unnoticed by many but without a good stable home life with support, a place that is your sanctuary to retreat to when your head has become a tangled ball of things left undone, there can be no happy work place or ethos. When we go out to work to earn a living, what are we working for? What do we do it for? Who are we doing it for! If it's money to buy things like holidays or gifts for people they are our motivation, we are working for them, our loved ones. If it is to make a difference in children's lives what use to them are we if we're exhausted, fuzzy headed, stressed and emotional?
So, to answer the question can a teacher ever have a work-life balance?....I'm inclined to say not if the prevailing message being conveyed during your training is one that tells you teaching comes first and family/personal life second. Until universities and schools tell students and teachers alike 'Your health NEEDS family and relaxation time and you SHOULDN'T be made to feel guilty about having it' there can be no balance. I could go into a lengthy diatribe about university lecturers using positive modelling (you know, like they told us trainees to use with our class) or I could mention Ofsted and Michael Gove's penchant for only providing negative feedback despite research stating this causes students (of any age) to shut down and disengage. But I don't have the time because I took the time to blog and now I've got to claw back the hour or so I spent doing that because I feel guilty it wasn't time spent planning lessons and I'm obviously not working hard enough if I've time to blog.
Censorship and Freedom of Speech: Binary Opposites
The last six months have been a whirlwind for me: moving house, finding work, negotiating cliques, making friends, sussing people out and keeping one eye on my marriage. And I didn't think I could multitask!
What struck me this morning, while I sat in my pjs avoiding housework and planning for next week, was the amount of censorship I have, we have, in an age of freedom of speech. Just how free are we to air our opinions and feelings? If I think about it...not really. Or if we are, we have to be very selective as to where, when and to whom we allow ourselves the space to process life's events.
Technological advances have provided us with a host of ways to communicate with each other, time and distance is no longer the great divider it once was. However, it comes at a price. Today more than ever we're restricted in ways it's hard to fathom and untangle, we're not afforded the opportunity to say things in the heat of the moment because we could be sued. This happens more often than we'd like to acknowledge because despite the technological advances in communication, we don't like to hear the truth especially if it's unflattering. Feelings and anger and frustration must be suppressed until the right forum has been found, studied, vetted and ruled as 'safe'. Or paid for in the medium of a therapist.
So when faced with things I'd like to vent and process, work related things, I wonder where, when and to whom I can gain the help I need to process these things. I will do my usual and take my issues to the gym, the punch bag in particular, but will that be enough? Will pounding the bag be sufficient to unleash my frustration, anger, disappointment, resentment, disgust and confusion and also provide enough serenity to get me through to half term?
The jury is still out on that one, so I'll let you know.
What struck me this morning, while I sat in my pjs avoiding housework and planning for next week, was the amount of censorship I have, we have, in an age of freedom of speech. Just how free are we to air our opinions and feelings? If I think about it...not really. Or if we are, we have to be very selective as to where, when and to whom we allow ourselves the space to process life's events.
Technological advances have provided us with a host of ways to communicate with each other, time and distance is no longer the great divider it once was. However, it comes at a price. Today more than ever we're restricted in ways it's hard to fathom and untangle, we're not afforded the opportunity to say things in the heat of the moment because we could be sued. This happens more often than we'd like to acknowledge because despite the technological advances in communication, we don't like to hear the truth especially if it's unflattering. Feelings and anger and frustration must be suppressed until the right forum has been found, studied, vetted and ruled as 'safe'. Or paid for in the medium of a therapist.
So when faced with things I'd like to vent and process, work related things, I wonder where, when and to whom I can gain the help I need to process these things. I will do my usual and take my issues to the gym, the punch bag in particular, but will that be enough? Will pounding the bag be sufficient to unleash my frustration, anger, disappointment, resentment, disgust and confusion and also provide enough serenity to get me through to half term?
The jury is still out on that one, so I'll let you know.
Tuesday, 19 February 2013
Running Out of Steam
It's only just occurred to me that I am feeling flat and lifeless because I am running on empty, as in running out of steam.
Its strange that while you are charging ahead and fully engaged in something - like a school placement - you don't feel so bad, don't feel like your ability to stay on top of things is such a tall order...
If I could hold a thought long enough for it to give rise to another...I'd say something thought provoking and insightful about that.
Its strange that while you are charging ahead and fully engaged in something - like a school placement - you don't feel so bad, don't feel like your ability to stay on top of things is such a tall order...
If I could hold a thought long enough for it to give rise to another...I'd say something thought provoking and insightful about that.
Monday, 21 January 2013
In a Funk
I seem to be in a bit of a funk at the moment.
I am not a lazy person by nature, yet this is precisely what I am at the moment!
In addition to being lazy I have the concentration of a sack of potatoes, and the motivation come to think of it.
To be succinct everything is distinctly MEH. See! I'm even lazy in my communication, meh isn't even a word. And now I've gone and used the same word - 'even' - twice in the same sentence. Appalling. Tutt tutt.
Oh dear.
I don't know what has brought on this apathy but I suspect it has something to do with feeling 'lost' on this teacher training course. Mostly I've no idea what I'm doing, why I'm doing it and the only thing that remains a constant are the feelings of being overwhelmed, inadequate and stupid. Increasingly the latter.
It seems the list of things for me to do and the things I don't know never get any smaller.
Ugh.
I am not a lazy person by nature, yet this is precisely what I am at the moment!
In addition to being lazy I have the concentration of a sack of potatoes, and the motivation come to think of it.
To be succinct everything is distinctly MEH. See! I'm even lazy in my communication, meh isn't even a word. And now I've gone and used the same word - 'even' - twice in the same sentence. Appalling. Tutt tutt.
Oh dear.
I don't know what has brought on this apathy but I suspect it has something to do with feeling 'lost' on this teacher training course. Mostly I've no idea what I'm doing, why I'm doing it and the only thing that remains a constant are the feelings of being overwhelmed, inadequate and stupid. Increasingly the latter.
It seems the list of things for me to do and the things I don't know never get any smaller.
Ugh.
Thursday, 10 January 2013
Saturday, 17 November 2012
Just Desserts
Its not often that I get to laugh at someone getting a good dose of their own medicine...that's not entirely true, I do but my empathy usually kicks in (much to the annoyance of the 'wicked Tash who lives in my head) and I just don't.
Mrs E, the head of the school C and I have just done our placement at, fancies him.
No wait it gets better.
The other afternoon when she was debriefing us on our teaching she was rubbing her foot down the back of his calf! Ha hahahahahahaha!
The uncomfortable look on his face as he told me was.....priceless! And yes, I did laugh my ass off unashamedly.
After weeks of a constant barrage of his sexual innuendos (don't worry I got used to it) it was hilarious to see him squirm when the shoe was on the other foot.
So I milked his discomfort and have threatened numerous times to pimp him out for good feedback.
Mrs E, the head of the school C and I have just done our placement at, fancies him.
No wait it gets better.
The other afternoon when she was debriefing us on our teaching she was rubbing her foot down the back of his calf! Ha hahahahahahaha!
The uncomfortable look on his face as he told me was.....priceless! And yes, I did laugh my ass off unashamedly.
After weeks of a constant barrage of his sexual innuendos (don't worry I got used to it) it was hilarious to see him squirm when the shoe was on the other foot.
So I milked his discomfort and have threatened numerous times to pimp him out for good feedback.
Thursday, 19 July 2012
...and it's begun...
The summer holidays have officially started for me!
I should be swinging from the rafters in jubilation, actually I should be down the pub with my friends, but I'm at home grumpy and tired.
I'm planning on drinking a cup of tea and then exercising and THEN going to the pub....if my friends are still there, which I doubt they will because they've been there since 1pm.
Yup. I should be dancing for joy and singing and swinging from rafters, however I'm actually more like the above picture.
Monday, 28 May 2012
Bugs, Boobs and Boxing
As I was standing talking to some friends outside of school - work for me, I'm not the dodgy type to hang around schools - a bug flew into me.
I don't mean one of those piddly small things, I mean I solid big black thing. Obviously I did the only normal thing to do; completely draw attention to myself by waving and flapping my hands around frantically. After doing this for about 30 seconds I felt sure I'd got the pest off me. Except I hadn't, it had gone to ground in my hair. I freaked out again, SOMEHOW catapulted it down my top and between my boobs.
Yup between my boobs.
Before you think I'm some buxom wench let me set the record straight and say I might well be a D cup...but you can park a bus between my boobs. Seriously, if they were any further apart they would have to be pen pals.
What did Tasha do? Freak out so badly she exposed her 'nice' flesh coloured bra and God knows only what else to all the parents waiting to pick up their kids. Charming.
So not funny.
I came home, got into my fizz kit and went out to box on the punch bag...I've skinned my knuckles so bad 2cm of skin is hanging off.
We have the school inspectors in on Wednesday and Thursday...I'm going to look like a real role model with my thug hands!
To conclude, today's post has been sponsored by the letter B and the colour red.
I don't mean one of those piddly small things, I mean I solid big black thing. Obviously I did the only normal thing to do; completely draw attention to myself by waving and flapping my hands around frantically. After doing this for about 30 seconds I felt sure I'd got the pest off me. Except I hadn't, it had gone to ground in my hair. I freaked out again, SOMEHOW catapulted it down my top and between my boobs.
Yup between my boobs.
Before you think I'm some buxom wench let me set the record straight and say I might well be a D cup...but you can park a bus between my boobs. Seriously, if they were any further apart they would have to be pen pals.
What did Tasha do? Freak out so badly she exposed her 'nice' flesh coloured bra and God knows only what else to all the parents waiting to pick up their kids. Charming.
So not funny.
I came home, got into my fizz kit and went out to box on the punch bag...I've skinned my knuckles so bad 2cm of skin is hanging off.
We have the school inspectors in on Wednesday and Thursday...I'm going to look like a real role model with my thug hands!
To conclude, today's post has been sponsored by the letter B and the colour red.
Saturday, 26 May 2012
Some Times the Truth of a Matter Hits You Like a Sledgehammer to the Forehead
That happened to me on Monday and I've more or less been reeling from it ever since.
Since the weight of supporting K has been distributed amongst a number of TAs he has become particularly vile and even harder to handle. Why? I've absolutely no idea at all, which frustrates me no end because we all know how much I need and love all puzzles to have a neat solvable ending, but I digress and that is different story all together.
I now have K on a two week rota system; on a Monday one week and on a Wednesday the following week and after that back to Monday etc.
On Monday just gone I saw a whole new side to K, a manipulative, spiteful and far too savvy side to him that spoke volumes to me. It also made me realise I needed to take a step back from him and reassess my character judgement. Suddenly the little boy who I had always assumed was acting and lashing out at adults, particularly females, because he was releasing the anger, disappointment, hurt and frustration that his mother was, and still is, dysfunctional to the point of not being able to raise him or his sister. I also assumed the sheer number of years of neglect he suffered also played a part in his behaviour.
I could go into detail about the things K said and did, but let it suffice to say that he made it abundantly clear that he was of the opinion he was now in control, adults were to do as he WANTED, WHEN he wanted and that was, to quote 'how things were now'. When I refused to pander to his demands, to bend my knee in submission he threatened to go to our headmaster and 'tell Mr F and get you the sack. Then I will be happy.'
You've no idea how it felt to be me at that precise moment in time. Even now, six days later, I'm still struggling to impose some kind of order on my emotions. I don't know if what I did next was right or wrong but I held the door open and said, 'you go right ahead k. If you feel that strongly about it and you feel that it is absolutely necessary, I won't stop you.'. He didn't. I summoned my boss from her ivory tower with its rose tinted windows (quite literally rose tinted) and made her deal with him! Telling her precisely what he had threatened me with.
I shouldn't be surprised that J the Jackal Jones (as I've taken to calling her, and you look up the dictionary definition of a jackal and you'll see why) gave him precisely what he wanted. She also told him, which he repeated to me, that I am 'too strict with him'. I'm not even go going to unpack my thoughts or feelings on that one, except to say it made my decision all the more easier.
It didn't hit me until a day later what that threat meant or could mean for me. For L and I. When the full weight of that knowledge settled in I went straight to the headmaster's secretary and reported it.
On Friday I resigned.
Not because I have pre-course requirements to achieve but because I simply won't have my repetition and integrity held to ransom, nor can I work for someone and in an institute where a blind eye is turned to things like that. I cannot afford to.
Any allegation made by a child about an adult HAS to be investigated and rightly so. It is all well and good every adult scoffing at K's threat and reassuring me that no one would believe him; an allegation from him about myself would have to be investigated. FACT. It would have to go on my record. FACT. I would be suspended pending an investigation. FACT. Eventually, after all claims would be deemed unfounded and I was exonerated, it would remain on my record. FACT. I would have to let Winchester know and my place on the course would disappear. FACT.
It doesn't matter which way I looked at it, everything disappeared for me, for L: my place on the teacher training course, my career as a teacher, our visa to the States, our future essentially...all of it disappeared.
It's irrelevant that K doesn't understand what making a lie up about me would cost me. It's irrelevant that he doesn't have the maturity or conscience or the emotional capacity to comprehend the damage he could do. None of that would matter one little bit in the face of an allegation of misconduct.
I cannot work in a place where a line manager doesn't support her staff, in a place where the line manager consistently belittles and puts down her staff. I can't work in a place where senior management are aware of all said line manager's failings and do nothing about it because they are afraid to rock the boat so close to her retirement. I cannot work in place where a blind eye is turned to the abuse TAs suffer at the hands of the pupils they support and go unpunished.
Since the weight of supporting K has been distributed amongst a number of TAs he has become particularly vile and even harder to handle. Why? I've absolutely no idea at all, which frustrates me no end because we all know how much I need and love all puzzles to have a neat solvable ending, but I digress and that is different story all together.
I now have K on a two week rota system; on a Monday one week and on a Wednesday the following week and after that back to Monday etc.
On Monday just gone I saw a whole new side to K, a manipulative, spiteful and far too savvy side to him that spoke volumes to me. It also made me realise I needed to take a step back from him and reassess my character judgement. Suddenly the little boy who I had always assumed was acting and lashing out at adults, particularly females, because he was releasing the anger, disappointment, hurt and frustration that his mother was, and still is, dysfunctional to the point of not being able to raise him or his sister. I also assumed the sheer number of years of neglect he suffered also played a part in his behaviour.
I could go into detail about the things K said and did, but let it suffice to say that he made it abundantly clear that he was of the opinion he was now in control, adults were to do as he WANTED, WHEN he wanted and that was, to quote 'how things were now'. When I refused to pander to his demands, to bend my knee in submission he threatened to go to our headmaster and 'tell Mr F and get you the sack. Then I will be happy.'
You've no idea how it felt to be me at that precise moment in time. Even now, six days later, I'm still struggling to impose some kind of order on my emotions. I don't know if what I did next was right or wrong but I held the door open and said, 'you go right ahead k. If you feel that strongly about it and you feel that it is absolutely necessary, I won't stop you.'. He didn't. I summoned my boss from her ivory tower with its rose tinted windows (quite literally rose tinted) and made her deal with him! Telling her precisely what he had threatened me with.
I shouldn't be surprised that J the Jackal Jones (as I've taken to calling her, and you look up the dictionary definition of a jackal and you'll see why) gave him precisely what he wanted. She also told him, which he repeated to me, that I am 'too strict with him'. I'm not even go going to unpack my thoughts or feelings on that one, except to say it made my decision all the more easier.
It didn't hit me until a day later what that threat meant or could mean for me. For L and I. When the full weight of that knowledge settled in I went straight to the headmaster's secretary and reported it.
On Friday I resigned.
Not because I have pre-course requirements to achieve but because I simply won't have my repetition and integrity held to ransom, nor can I work for someone and in an institute where a blind eye is turned to things like that. I cannot afford to.
Any allegation made by a child about an adult HAS to be investigated and rightly so. It is all well and good every adult scoffing at K's threat and reassuring me that no one would believe him; an allegation from him about myself would have to be investigated. FACT. It would have to go on my record. FACT. I would be suspended pending an investigation. FACT. Eventually, after all claims would be deemed unfounded and I was exonerated, it would remain on my record. FACT. I would have to let Winchester know and my place on the course would disappear. FACT.
It doesn't matter which way I looked at it, everything disappeared for me, for L: my place on the teacher training course, my career as a teacher, our visa to the States, our future essentially...all of it disappeared.
It's irrelevant that K doesn't understand what making a lie up about me would cost me. It's irrelevant that he doesn't have the maturity or conscience or the emotional capacity to comprehend the damage he could do. None of that would matter one little bit in the face of an allegation of misconduct.
I cannot work in a place where a line manager doesn't support her staff, in a place where the line manager consistently belittles and puts down her staff. I can't work in a place where senior management are aware of all said line manager's failings and do nothing about it because they are afraid to rock the boat so close to her retirement. I cannot work in place where a blind eye is turned to the abuse TAs suffer at the hands of the pupils they support and go unpunished.
Thursday, 24 May 2012
Mean Girl
I've been trying to follow my mum's guiding warning, 'if you have nothing good to say then you should say nothing at all'. This was usually followed by the curt suggestion I take myself and my bad mood off to my room where I couldn't inflict t on anyone else. (That probably explains why I seek solitude when I'm feeling...not myself)
It's been hard.
Not because I've been hissing and spitting alley cat mad, I was but now... not so much.
More because I've just preferred to internalise all the awful things I've been feeling so I'm not too much of a negative person. I know L being away, a hurt foot restricting my exercise, my psoriasis being rampant, a cold and Monday's horrible experience have taken their toil on me....but being miserable won't change them.
Plus, L being away, the sore foot and the psoriasis have been going on for a while now, so I can't continually moan about them.
So, I am trying to keep my mouth shut and my - hopefully temporary - negativity to myself.
But the devil caught me and my tongue off guard today, and while everyone else laughed, I wasn't being humorous; I was being mean.
It's been hard.
Not because I've been hissing and spitting alley cat mad, I was but now... not so much.
More because I've just preferred to internalise all the awful things I've been feeling so I'm not too much of a negative person. I know L being away, a hurt foot restricting my exercise, my psoriasis being rampant, a cold and Monday's horrible experience have taken their toil on me....but being miserable won't change them.
Plus, L being away, the sore foot and the psoriasis have been going on for a while now, so I can't continually moan about them.
So, I am trying to keep my mouth shut and my - hopefully temporary - negativity to myself.
But the devil caught me and my tongue off guard today, and while everyone else laughed, I wasn't being humorous; I was being mean.
Wednesday, 9 November 2011
Every Day is a New Day
I've been working as a Learning and Teaching Assistant in a secondary school for just over a month now, for 3 weeks of those I had about 8 pupils to help. Then two weeks ago they gave me solely to a year 9 boy, a very difficult pupil. In fact I've been informed that he is 'one of the hardest and most troubled pupils, if not THE hardest and most troubled pupil' in the school...
He has a range of problems from Attachment Disorder, to ADHD and has had the worst possible start in life.
It breaks my heart to think of all that his has suffered in his young life and to know so many adults have just written him off.
He frustrates me, he stresses me out, he challenges me, he ignores me, he runs away from me (frequently), he is stroppy to me, he is sulky and sullen, he is unfathomable, he tests my patience...so I know how they feel.
What works one moment won't the next. There are times when I feel like I am at a complete loss and I'm failing him by not being able to think of ways of getting through to him or talking him round. I feel useless, deflated, frustrated and exhausted. I'm ashamed to admit that at times like this I think longingly of the 'good boys' that used to work with, especially when one of his class mates asks me to sit next to and help them or I pass them in the corridor and they ask why I'm not with them any more.
Yet every day I still go back and I still want to teach...I tell myself that every day is a new day.
He has a range of problems from Attachment Disorder, to ADHD and has had the worst possible start in life.
It breaks my heart to think of all that his has suffered in his young life and to know so many adults have just written him off.
He frustrates me, he stresses me out, he challenges me, he ignores me, he runs away from me (frequently), he is stroppy to me, he is sulky and sullen, he is unfathomable, he tests my patience...so I know how they feel.
What works one moment won't the next. There are times when I feel like I am at a complete loss and I'm failing him by not being able to think of ways of getting through to him or talking him round. I feel useless, deflated, frustrated and exhausted. I'm ashamed to admit that at times like this I think longingly of the 'good boys' that used to work with, especially when one of his class mates asks me to sit next to and help them or I pass them in the corridor and they ask why I'm not with them any more.
Yet every day I still go back and I still want to teach...I tell myself that every day is a new day.
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