Some Times the Truth of a Matter Hits You Like a Sledgehammer to the Forehead

That happened to me on Monday and I've more or less been reeling from it ever since.

Since the weight of supporting K has been distributed amongst a number of TAs he has become particularly vile and even harder to handle.  Why? I've absolutely no idea at all, which frustrates me no end because we all know how much I need and love all puzzles to have a neat solvable ending, but I digress and that is different story all together.

I now have K on a two week rota system; on a Monday one week and on a Wednesday the following week and after that back to Monday etc.  

On Monday just gone I saw a whole new side to K, a manipulative, spiteful and far too savvy side to him that spoke volumes to me.  It also made me realise I needed to take a step back from him and reassess my character judgement.  Suddenly the little boy who I had always assumed was acting and lashing out at adults, particularly females, because he was releasing the anger, disappointment, hurt and frustration that his mother was, and still is, dysfunctional to the point of not being able to raise him or his sister.  I also assumed the sheer number of years of neglect he suffered also played a part in his behaviour. 

I could go into detail about the things K said and did, but let it suffice to say that he made it abundantly clear that he was of the opinion he was now in control, adults were to do as he WANTED, WHEN he wanted and that was, to quote 'how things were now'.  When I refused to pander to his demands, to bend my knee in submission he threatened to go to our headmaster and 'tell Mr F and get you the sack.  Then I will be happy.'

You've no idea how it felt to be me at that precise moment in time.  Even now, six days later, I'm still struggling to impose some kind of order on my emotions. I don't know if what I did next was right or wrong but I held the door open and said, 'you go right ahead k.  If you feel that strongly about it and you feel that it is absolutely necessary, I won't stop you.'. He didn't.  I summoned my boss from her ivory tower with its rose tinted windows (quite literally rose tinted) and made her deal with him! Telling her precisely what he had threatened me with.

I shouldn't be surprised that J the Jackal Jones (as I've taken to calling her, and you look up the dictionary definition of a jackal and you'll see why) gave him precisely what he wanted.  She also told him, which he repeated to me, that I am 'too strict with him'.  I'm not even go going to unpack my thoughts or feelings on that one, except to say it made my decision all the more easier.

It didn't hit me until a day later what that threat meant or could mean for me.  For L and I.  When the full weight of that knowledge settled in I went straight to the headmaster's secretary and reported it.

On Friday I resigned.

Not because I have pre-course requirements to achieve but because I simply won't have my repetition and integrity held to ransom, nor can I work for someone and in an institute where a blind eye is turned to things like that.  I cannot afford to.

Any allegation made by a child about an adult HAS to be investigated and rightly so.  It is all well and good every adult scoffing at K's threat and reassuring me that no one would believe him; an allegation from him about myself would have to be investigated.  FACT.  It would have to go on my record.  FACT.  I would be suspended pending an investigation.  FACT.  Eventually, after all claims would be deemed unfounded and I was exonerated, it would remain on my record.  FACT.  I would have to let Winchester know and my place on the course would disappear.  FACT.  

It doesn't matter which way I looked at it, everything disappeared for me, for L: my place on the teacher training course, my career as a teacher, our visa to the States, our future essentially...all of it disappeared.

It's irrelevant that K doesn't understand what making a lie up about me would cost me.  It's irrelevant that he doesn't have the maturity or conscience or the emotional capacity to comprehend the damage he could do.  None of that would matter one little bit in the face of an allegation of misconduct.

I cannot work in a place where a line manager doesn't support her staff, in a place where the line manager consistently belittles and puts down her staff.  I can't work in a place where senior management are aware of all said line manager's failings and do nothing about it because they are afraid to rock the boat so close to her retirement.  I cannot work in place where a blind eye is turned to the abuse TAs suffer at the hands of the pupils they support and go unpunished.

Integrity, Naivety, Personal Gain and Other Social Norms

I've just realised that I really am green behind the ears and not nearly as savvy as I thought.

I've just read a posting on integrity on the SITS blog; Truth in Blogging: Do You Blog With Integrity? and I'm a perturbed to say the least.

It has never occurred to me to wonder if what I'm reading in the blogging world is the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth.  Yes, in part, I really am that naive.  For starters I don't lie, phrased simply I am just too lazy to do so. 

Whenever I do find myself in a situation in which I could either lie or tell the truth I rarely choose to lie.  That isn't to say that I don't do it because well...you guessed it I would be lying.  What I mean is that I will and do tell what I consider to be small lies to save a person's feelings (see previous post When, If At All, Is It Acceptable to Lie?) but would I accept payment to positively review a product...absolutely not! 

In lying I'm misleading people, I'm opening myself up to insurmountable criticism and its a lie I'd have to repeatedly stand by and repeat.  I can't do it.  Not only would my conscience not permit me to do this I simply don't have the energy that it would take to perpetuate the lie.

When I blog its my opinion, my voice, my experience, my thoughts and my feelings.  No one elses.  However, I'm being forced to remove my rose tinted glasses and realise that not everyone is like me in this; some people are fake (they lie, they pretend to be someone that they aren't, they pretend to like things that they don't like etc)  I'm not going to speculate on their reasons for doing so but to state the glaringly obvious I suspect that it either has something to do with money or low self esteem.

Am I shocked that society has got to the point where people need to openly declare that they possess integrity?...well actually yes.  I have always assumed that everyone else, especially in the blogging world, do possess integrity and what I'm reading comes from their heart, its the real them or their honest opinion. 

Does a lack of integrity always come down to a need for personal gain?  Isn't that then just greed? In today's current economic climate can we still afford to possess integrity?  If I were approached to review a product, say a book series since books really are a weakness for me, for money, do I have a price?  Would I so easily choose my integrity over adding to my book collection for free and money in my bank account?

I'm going to say no.  I assert that I can't and won't be bought because I DO possess integrity and won't negotiate on what is essentially me but I will now be more vigilant in my assessment of other people and their writing.