Just when I think I'm over losing our baby something comes along that is like being sucker punched in the stomach.
Whoosh that friend has the same due date as you.
I can't breathe.
I can't regain my balance.
I can't process all the emotions.
The strangest thing is I knew before the Drs confirmed it that I was losing baby.
On the fifth day of spotting I cried all day.
I made all kinds of promises to be the best, most loving mother ever, if only I didn't lose it.
The week I waited for another scan to confirm I'd had a missed miscarriage was torture in ways it's hard to talk about.
I didn't need a scan. I knew.
I felt such guilt at the thought it was probably for the best because I was about to start a new job and dreaded telling my boss, L and I rowed about things I can't even remember and Gramps had just been diagnosed with cancer.
I wondered if I had even wanted it in the first place.
Now L wants to try again and I don't know if I do.
What if I'm not mentally fit to be a mum?
What if can't love it?
What if I lose another?
Showing posts with label miscarriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label miscarriage. Show all posts
Saturday, 17 June 2017
Monday, 27 March 2017
Two Air Masses
Sometimes it's like I was never pregnant. My body has long since returned to its pre-pregnancy state and as shocking as this may sound there are even days when I forget I was an expectant mother. Then there are days when knowing I was and am no longer expecting are my only reality.
Yesterday was Mother's Day in the UK. Oh.
I didn't expect it to be a hard day to get through.
I didn't expect to want to go to bed on Saturday and get up again Monday.
I didn't expect my moods to be such a tumultuous affair.
I was only 9 weeks and 4 days pregnant when we learnt I'd lost it and it was only measuring 0.4m, what it should be around 5 weeks. Technically it was a cluster of cells, not yet a foetus and not a baby. I guess knowing this made me believe or convince myself that I hadn't had time to get excited, that not being able to wait until we could buy a few baby outfits wasn't a thing for me. It was.
I didn't tell L but I checked the baby app to see how it was developing and what stage it was at more or less every day, and I certainly didn't mention I waited eagerly for our 12 week scan to see it for the first time.
*sigh*
All I can do is, once again as I have before during difficult times, remind myself these feelings aren't going to last forever. This is a period of transition and I should think of it like turbulence on a plane: travelling through the collision of two air masses.
Yesterday was Mother's Day in the UK. Oh.
I didn't expect it to be a hard day to get through.
I didn't expect to want to go to bed on Saturday and get up again Monday.
I didn't expect my moods to be such a tumultuous affair.
I was only 9 weeks and 4 days pregnant when we learnt I'd lost it and it was only measuring 0.4m, what it should be around 5 weeks. Technically it was a cluster of cells, not yet a foetus and not a baby. I guess knowing this made me believe or convince myself that I hadn't had time to get excited, that not being able to wait until we could buy a few baby outfits wasn't a thing for me. It was.
I didn't tell L but I checked the baby app to see how it was developing and what stage it was at more or less every day, and I certainly didn't mention I waited eagerly for our 12 week scan to see it for the first time.
*sigh*
All I can do is, once again as I have before during difficult times, remind myself these feelings aren't going to last forever. This is a period of transition and I should think of it like turbulence on a plane: travelling through the collision of two air masses.
Thursday, 23 March 2017
The Road to Recovery: My Miscarriage and Me
Things seem to come in waves...the grief, the anger, the disappointment, the acceptance. Sometimes they dance with each other, spinning and twirling and taking it in turns to lead in a Tango across my psyche.
It's been nearly 2 weeks since I elected to have SMM (surgically managed miscarriage). Miscarriage: A taboo subject or a topic fraught with emotionally motivated silences?
I'm slowly recovering from my missed miscarriage. Physically I recovered very quickly but nothing prepared me for the emotional journey it was going to take me on. I've moved from not wanting to talk about it, not wanting to talk at all to anyone really, to being able to tell some but only those I choose and when I choose. From this I've learnt people judge you, 2 people have 'judged' me on electing to have SMM and all I ask is...please don't judge me. Please don't judge anyone when it comes to dealing with a miscarriage.
My sister, T, has experienced 2 miscarriages herself and she confessed to a desire to 'write a paper about miscarriages because it is such a taboo subject'. I'm not sure that it is a taboo subject, I think I lean more toward the notion knowing how to respond is difficult and that makes it a not talked about subject. Everyone's experience of a miscarriage is different, both physically and emotionally, for some there is immense pain and lots of bleeding, for others no pain and lots of bleeding, for some no pain and no bleeding... It therefore stands to reason how a person processes and chooses to deal with their miscarriage is unique, is their journey to recovery.
I chose to have SMM over 'allowing my body to do what it's done naturally for thousands of years' rather than subject myself 'to the risks of uterus scarring and puncturing' to quote my sister because, simply put, I didn't have the emotional strength to go through another 2-3 weeks like the last week I'd gone through. I just couldn't do it.
So again I ask you, please don't judge me, please don't judge anyone, on how they choose to cope with their miscarriage because in doing so what you're actually doing is judging their emotional state, something you do not have the right nor insight into their psyche to do. It is a painful enough experience without someone weighing and measuring your response and somehow deciding it is wrong.
It's been nearly 2 weeks since I elected to have SMM (surgically managed miscarriage). Miscarriage: A taboo subject or a topic fraught with emotionally motivated silences?
I'm slowly recovering from my missed miscarriage. Physically I recovered very quickly but nothing prepared me for the emotional journey it was going to take me on. I've moved from not wanting to talk about it, not wanting to talk at all to anyone really, to being able to tell some but only those I choose and when I choose. From this I've learnt people judge you, 2 people have 'judged' me on electing to have SMM and all I ask is...please don't judge me. Please don't judge anyone when it comes to dealing with a miscarriage.
My sister, T, has experienced 2 miscarriages herself and she confessed to a desire to 'write a paper about miscarriages because it is such a taboo subject'. I'm not sure that it is a taboo subject, I think I lean more toward the notion knowing how to respond is difficult and that makes it a not talked about subject. Everyone's experience of a miscarriage is different, both physically and emotionally, for some there is immense pain and lots of bleeding, for others no pain and lots of bleeding, for some no pain and no bleeding... It therefore stands to reason how a person processes and chooses to deal with their miscarriage is unique, is their journey to recovery.
I chose to have SMM over 'allowing my body to do what it's done naturally for thousands of years' rather than subject myself 'to the risks of uterus scarring and puncturing' to quote my sister because, simply put, I didn't have the emotional strength to go through another 2-3 weeks like the last week I'd gone through. I just couldn't do it.
So again I ask you, please don't judge me, please don't judge anyone, on how they choose to cope with their miscarriage because in doing so what you're actually doing is judging their emotional state, something you do not have the right nor insight into their psyche to do. It is a painful enough experience without someone weighing and measuring your response and somehow deciding it is wrong.
Wednesday, 8 March 2017
Anger
Everything makes me angry at the moment, literally everything.
I've screamed at an old woman driving because she lacked the awareness to see I was waiting on a pedestrian crossing to cross the road. She didn't hear me so apparently she's deaf as well as blind.
I honked my car horn at a couple driving - first they pulled out on me causing me to have to break sharply, then later on down the road they indicated and pulled in last minute but didn't pull in properly so caused me to have to swerve round them. Apparently Kellogs are giving out licences in their boxes of bran flakes.
Unhelpful and insensitive words of wisdom. 3 separate people have said, "You'll just have to keep trying" like we're talking about reaching the next level on a game or solving a mathematical sum. Not to sit on the fence here but that advice is about as comforting and useful as titts on a fish.
People telling me what it's okay to feel - EVERYTHING I feel is OKAY to feel but thanks for the validation.
People judging me on how I am or am not dealing with this, everyone is entitled to their opinion just as I'm entitled to say you can stick your judgement where the sun don't shine.
The new series of Girls...utter vomit inducing drivel. The characters' incessant narcissistic whining is, I hope, complete fiction, surely no one in reality can be that egotistical.
Fighting the company the military have outsourced housing to over getting our pet dander infested and piss stained carpets changed. It seems we have very different understanding of what an "acceptable standard" is, theirs is scraping the bottom of the hygiene barrel and mine is not having to take two antihistamines a day in addition to apologising to every guest we have.
Not being a able to move on and have closure. I'm still bleeding and no one can tell me how long this is going to last, psychologically this is a torturous reminder of the fact I carried my baby for four weeks while it had already died. My womb was a birth grave.
I've screamed at an old woman driving because she lacked the awareness to see I was waiting on a pedestrian crossing to cross the road. She didn't hear me so apparently she's deaf as well as blind.
I honked my car horn at a couple driving - first they pulled out on me causing me to have to break sharply, then later on down the road they indicated and pulled in last minute but didn't pull in properly so caused me to have to swerve round them. Apparently Kellogs are giving out licences in their boxes of bran flakes.
Unhelpful and insensitive words of wisdom. 3 separate people have said, "You'll just have to keep trying" like we're talking about reaching the next level on a game or solving a mathematical sum. Not to sit on the fence here but that advice is about as comforting and useful as titts on a fish.
People telling me what it's okay to feel - EVERYTHING I feel is OKAY to feel but thanks for the validation.
People judging me on how I am or am not dealing with this, everyone is entitled to their opinion just as I'm entitled to say you can stick your judgement where the sun don't shine.
The new series of Girls...utter vomit inducing drivel. The characters' incessant narcissistic whining is, I hope, complete fiction, surely no one in reality can be that egotistical.
Fighting the company the military have outsourced housing to over getting our pet dander infested and piss stained carpets changed. It seems we have very different understanding of what an "acceptable standard" is, theirs is scraping the bottom of the hygiene barrel and mine is not having to take two antihistamines a day in addition to apologising to every guest we have.
Not being a able to move on and have closure. I'm still bleeding and no one can tell me how long this is going to last, psychologically this is a torturous reminder of the fact I carried my baby for four weeks while it had already died. My womb was a birth grave.
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