Anger

Everything makes me angry at the moment, literally everything.

I've screamed at an old woman driving because she lacked the awareness to see I was waiting on a pedestrian crossing to cross the road.  She didn't hear me so apparently she's deaf as well as blind.

I honked my car horn at a couple driving - first they pulled out on me causing me to have to break sharply, then later on down the road they indicated and pulled in last minute but didn't pull in properly so caused me to have to swerve round them.  Apparently Kellogs are giving out licences in their boxes of bran flakes.

Unhelpful and insensitive words of wisdom.  3 separate people have said, "You'll just have to keep trying" like we're talking about reaching the next level on a game or solving a mathematical sum.  Not to sit on the fence here but that advice is about as comforting and useful as titts on a fish.

People telling me what it's okay to feel - EVERYTHING I feel is OKAY to feel but thanks for the validation.

People judging me on how I am or am not dealing with this, everyone is entitled to their opinion just as I'm entitled to say you can stick your judgement where the sun don't shine.

The new series of Girls...utter vomit inducing drivel.  The characters' incessant narcissistic whining is, I hope, complete fiction, surely no one in reality can be that egotistical.

Fighting the company the military have outsourced housing to over getting our pet dander infested and piss stained carpets changed. It seems we have very different understanding of what an "acceptable standard" is, theirs is scraping the bottom of the hygiene barrel and mine is not having to take two antihistamines a day in addition to apologising to every guest we have.

Not being a able to move on and have closure. I'm still bleeding and no one can tell me how long this is going to last, psychologically this is a torturous reminder of the fact I carried my baby for four weeks while it had already died. My womb was a birth grave.

Letting Go

I promised myself that I was going to change from 'half a glass' girl to 'half full' girl. I say that because the glass is neither half empty nor half full, it's half a glass, which means it has equal potential to be either of those things.

Yet...I find myself in need of a friend to drink coffee and share the last few weeks with. I imagine myself sat at a kitchen table, the sun is streaming through the windows and patio doors and a friendly, sympathetic face pours me coffee.

In a nutshell they have been tough. My final placement was awful, absolutely awful. My mentor was....something else. Every bit of her feedback was negative; it was always about what I was getting wrong, what I wasn't doing and how much I needed to improve on just about everything. Her whole attitude was 'it's ALL you now' which would have been fine if I had felt I had someone to turn to for advice or clarification, yet she was very much absent: from the classroom and her role as a mentor. At one point her feedback was that I needed to work harder at my timekeeping in terms of getting the children ready for the transition to the next lesson. Fine, but it took her 3 weeks to give me the weekly timetable template! I asked her repeatedly for it and even tried to take the one off the door to make my own...she beat me to it and had put it in the bin. Nothing about her was kind, caring or nurturing, especially with the children. To all intent and purposes I don't believe she even likes children. Some how she had managed to crush every spontaneous and creative impulse in them. They weren't children so much as jaded drones, caught up in the factory production of attainment and progress. She tried to fail me.

I could spend hours pouring out all the things she said and did to undo my fragile confidence and self esteem...but I just don't have the wherewithal to.

On top of that and right in the middle of it I failed my Maths skills test (can't be a teacher without passing it), failed one aspect of a Master level module (a folder due to its contents) and L has an outstanding complaint against his boss. It was akin to being besieged on every side.

Now with time and distance I'm still no closer to understanding it or to closure. I'm not sure I ever will and so I think I should just let it go. Just let. It. Go.