A Letter to L x

There is always a return of the repressed.

I've made no secret of the fact I am struggling to come to terms with some events in my past, or that I'm trying to find a way of gaining closure on it all in an effort to save relationships. So, I guess, what follows next is an explanation(?) of sorts, for my husband.

Hello Monster,

I think that this is the hardest letter I ever had to write and the hardest thing(s) I ever had to say. I'm daunted by what lies ahead but I feel like it has to be done without being certain of the outcome. That said I'm lost as to where to begin. I'm scared to write, scared to say, all the things that I have to say because I'm afraid that they are going to hurt you and I don't want to do that. Even writing seems like the coward's way of communicating, a way of getting everything off my chest but without having to look you in the eye while doing it.

I don't know how to explain everything that I have going on inside of me. I don't know what the right words are and yet some how I think this letter is going to be the first of what is going to prove be quite a few to you - public but oddly private too.

Do you remember me saying to you that I felt stuck? That I felt unable to let go of the past and yet unable to move forward at the same time? Well, when it comes to my emotions that's precisely it and it scares me. I feel like all the happy memories I have of us together and all my hopes for our future have been eclipsed by what happened with my family around the time of us getting married. I know you think I should be over it all by now but its not that easy for me. Pure and simply it hurt, really hurt and I'm still struggling to work it out in my head and in my heart. I don't know how better to explain it than to say up to that point I'd taken it for granted that my family would always be there for me whenever I needed them. I believed that it didn't matter what direction I went it or decisions I made I'd have their support, which is why their reactions stunned me so much. I know you don't see this as true or where I am getting that opinion from but the truth is I couldn't talk about it to tell you at the time. I was so hurt by their reaction, so stunned that I was struck dumb by it - I couldn't bring myself to voice it and say it out loud - it was just too painful. Hind sight tells me I should have talked to you about it all, I should have opened up and let you see how deep it all went, I should have told you how much it was hurting. I should have let you see.

I can't answer why my family's approval was and still is so important to me. Perhaps it a self esteem issue or just because I've always used them as my compass. I don't know and I'm sorry that I've allowed it all to taint us, you have to believe me when I say that I wish it hadn't. I'm sorry that when I look at you or think about us now all I see is hurt and anxiety and fear. It scares me that I do. I doubt everything now - us, my feelings, my thoughts, my emotions, the future, the past. Nothing and no one feels certain, or like it can be relied upon any more. Nothing and no one feels trustworthy.

Love feels very raw, feels like something to be avoided. It feels destructive and painful and I want to back away from it in an attempt to protect myself. I feel like I need to push everyone away and just be by myself, like I want to seek out less complicated and less painful ties to people so that I can forget about all of it and heal. Yet I'm too stubborn to turn my back on it all, and despite everything there is a part of me that feels I can wait this out. A part of me feels like if I just wait long enough time will heal...me.

I'm going to leave it at that for now because I have to go and do something else, do something cleansing, so bye for now and I love you.

Love Bear x