Dear friend who flirts with my husband,
I thought long and hard about writing you this letter, my
first instinct was to make it very clear – verbally – that you were in danger
of having two black eyes and a broken nose, but I reigned in my primal need to
assert my superiority and thought this means of communicating would be less
dramatic.
Here’s the thing, as a woman approaching her 40th
birthday I understand all too well how life and societal pressure has this
endearing way of striping you of your self-esteem and confidence, and replacing
it with a sense of your decaying beauty, of your rapidly diminishing
worth. Obviously the feminist in me
wishes to declare from the top of my soap box that my sense of worth isn’t
measured in how youthful I still look, if I can pass the pencil test and if I can
still be ID for alcohol. However, that
feminist still wears a push up bra, can still pass the pencil test, will glow
heavenly from being asked for ID and loves a turned head, so good luck
convincing her she’s an confident, intelligent and sophisticated woman who has
nothing to prove. That said, I get it, I
truly do.
Now, that I’ve got that nicety out of the way and reminded
you that we’re not so different and definitely not in competition with each,
let me remind you of something else; we’re friends and have been for a very
long time,. Sheesh, we’ve got each other through more rough patches than I can remember and
more than that we have shared far more happy memories than trying ones. That’s an achievement in itself. In light of that, it is not okay for you to
flirt with my husband and it’s definitely not okay for you to insist with pride
that you are a part of our marriage. You
aren’t and won’t ever be. I’ll explain
why, because it is wrong. We are married
and that is sacrosanct, what I share with my husband is separate to what I
share with you just as it should be. We
make decisions and go through things that only we can get each other through,
that isn’t a criticism of you – just the natural order of the way things
are. No more and no less. Some things are private and are meant to be
kept within the sanctity of marriage.
It is wrong for you to use him as a boost to your flagging
confidence and self-esteem, it is disrespectful of our long standing
friendship, and it is entirely unnecessary.
You are a beautiful, courageous, ambitious and immensely talented strong
woman, any man would be lucky to have you on his arm and many women want to be
you. Why don’t you believe that? What has happened that you feel the need to
flirt with your friends’ husbands to make you feel needed and wanted? Why haven’t you talked to me about it?
I guess ultimately we wouldn’t be having this conversation
if I didn’t in some way feel threatened by you, if I didn't feel like I was in danger of losing my marriage.
History has shown both of us how the laws of attraction work, how intense situations induce intense emotions and by default, connections. This is how it starts, first, it is harmless banter, then the exchange of wit and retorts give rise to enjoyment in the attention, it is thrilling. It is so thrilling that it becomes actively sought and because that initial thrill can't be replicated the exchanges become more risqué, this leads to attraction and finally, the attraction becomes so intense it is harder and harder to ignore. I know how it works.
So now I pose the question – is this what you had in mind when you
started the flirting? Is this what you
predicted would happen? There’s that
line in Love Actually where Emma Thompson asks Alan, “Would you wait around to find out if it's just a
necklace, or if it's sex and a necklace, or if worst of all it's a necklace and
love? Would you stay, knowing life would always be a little bit worse? Or would
you cut and run?” Obviously we’re not
talking necklaces here but still, would you sit on the fence while I flirted with
your husband, be him your ex, waiting to see how far it could go or would you
nip it in the bud? Would you have this
conversation with me were our places reversed?
Would you?
The truth is I need you in my life, I want you in my life and
I have done for a long time but you’re in danger of crossing a line that isn’t
negotiable. So, where do we go from
here? You tell me.
Love you, love me x
