To Accept It Is What It Is

Have you ever had a relationship which hasn't taken the shape you wanted? Have you ever had expectations for a relationship only to find no matter what your ideals they aren't being fulfilled?

I find myself in this exact situation and I wonder at what point I am just going to accept it for what it is and stop trying to shape it into something it isn't, and I dare say won't ever be, and save myself the heartache and disappointment.

This person and I have been in each other's lives for nearly twenty years, they have known me since I was a babe in the arms of mother and I am apart of their family, yet... We have no emotional connection and there is little affection between us.

We don't argue or fight but to not exchange hostile words doesn't mean we get on. Or have a relationship. To say we don't or haven't exchanged 'hostile words' is being liberal with the truth, there have been numerous occasions in which this person has flung barbed comments in my direction both one-on-one and in a public environment. I don't respond for varying reasons; my mumma didn't raise me to be spiteful or vindictive and the escalation of negativity would only cause heartache to many.

It makes me very disappointed that we don't share a bond, that we don't do the kind of things together I assumed, however wrongly because to assume is to make an Ass out of yoU and ME, that we would in our special relationship. It confuses me that I not only don't understand this person's cold demeanour and random acts of spitefulness, I also don't understand why after so many years of our relationship not meeting my expectations I still continue to hope it will.

If I'm thoughtful about the whole situation I find it is me that is at fault, it is me who is and has been trying to impose my 'idea' of how things ought to be on us. The reality is I should stop tormenting myself with what isn't and can never be and respect what we have. I ought to accept it is what it is. And move on.

Therapy

These...

Are my therapy. They have got me through some tough times, some dark times and times I still can't talk about without it hurting.

They've got me through L's numerous deployments.
They've got me through the stress of moving house. More than once.  With another to come within 6 months.
They've got me through anxiety (and continue to do so).
They've got me through depression.
They've got me through a number of disagreements with loved ones.
They've got me through finding a lump in my breast and getting the all clear.
They've got me through my Masters in English Literature.
They've got me through my PGCE, my first year supply teaching, my NQT year and my second year supply teaching.
They've got me through a Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome diagnosis.
They've got me (and again, continue to get me) through the frustration of managing my psoriasis.
They've got me through the death of a friend.

I find it hard to talk, to open up to people and to let them in.  I can't deal with being vulnerable.  Yet, those items that I so often take for granted, that I pick up, sling in a bag and carry with me have been my therapy, been the way I have got, and continue to get through, so many of the trials life slings my way. 

The mileage on them is more than geographical.