Day 04 Something You Have to Forgive Someone For.

Something I have to forgive someone for...this is another tough one. Or may be not as tough as I would have myself believe.

I know I have to forgive my dad for what he did - for the affairs, the lying, the stealing, the manipulation, the destroying of toys, pictures, the family home both metaphorically and literally, for his selfishness and the seeds of mistrust that he sowed all those years ago. Yet I can't and I doubt I ever will.

There is nothing he can say, no words of contrition that would - or could - ever justify what he did to us, to my mum, to my sisters and to me. He has nothing to say that I want to hear or am prepared to hear.

I know it takes as much passion to hate as it does to love and that he isn't deserving of such passion, yet I am unable to let go of it. Unable to forgive and forget and move on. I have to admit there is a part of me that wonders what and who I would be if I did let go of those feelings, resolved my 'issues' and just...stopped allowing it to shape me. When you've held on to something so tightly regardless of it's toxic nature to the point of not being able to see where you end and it begins, it is hard to cauterise that part of yourself and leave it empty. What would it be replaced by and how long would it take for it to be filled again? Would the replacement be any better or healthier?

It sounds petty but I withhold myself from him and won't allow him into my life, at least not in any significant way, as a means of punishing him. He wasn't there to pick me up after meeting with friends, he wasn't there to see me grow up from an awkward teenager in to a head strong woman, he wasn't there on my wedding day to see me walk or to walk me down the aisle and he won't be there to see me off when I move to another country. I might not have cauterised my feelings for him but I have cauterised him out of my life. Of course you could argue due to my bitterness he has a larger part and role in my life than if I just forgave him and forgot all about him...but lets not split hairs.