Remembrance Sunday

Today as I rode by,
I saw the brown leaves dropping from their trees
In a still afternoon,
When no wind whirled them whistling to the sky,
But thickly, silently,
They fell, like snowflakes wiping out the noon;
And wandered slowly thence
For thinking of a gallant multitude
Which now all withering lay,
Slain by no wind of age or pestilence,
But in their beauty strewed
Like snowflakes falling on the Flemish clay.

Thank you to all the men and women who have fought and sacrificed that others may know what it is to have freedom and liberty - you paid the highest price and are immortalised in our hearts.

Some Memories Shock You into Disbelief

T came to stay at the weekend and perhaps it was the mojitos or just that with her I can talk about things that are painful and I usually try to avoid, but I remembered something...difficult.

I remembered that when mum was in the process of ending her relationship with B and we were trying to get him to move out, to face things were over, he turned violent. 

I can't remember whether it was before or after the violence that I moved into mum's room and slept every night with her in her bed.  I use the term 'slept' liberally because I didn't sleep.  Not once did I allow myself to fall into a natural deep slumber, one part of me somewhere inside my mind and body remained alert and awake in case B came into the bedroom and I needed to protect her.

I can't remember how many nights I did that, I only know it felt endless... like it lasted for weeks, months even.

I remember when his eldest daughter G finally came to get him, mum and I descended into this weird silence.  That evening we hardly spoke at all, there weren't any meaningful glances or looks exchanged.  Nothing at all. 

I remember Mum was in her bedroom and I went into the bathroom first to wash up for bed, it was taken for granted that I'd still be sleeping in her room.  He was gone but it still didn't feel safe.

I remember standing in front of the sink and the mirror searching for something but being so distracted, so numb, that I didn't know what I was looking for and then I called out "I don't believe it!...." and I couldn't for the life of me stop laughing.  Mum called out 'what?' or something akin to that and that's when it really hit me....the absurdity of it...

B had taken the electric toothbrush.

The Apron

I used to hoard things.

I found it reassuring, comforting. Somehow the things that had special memories attached to them and that concerned the people I loved overwhelmed the rational part of me that wondered if really did need to keep all my birthday cards from the age of 9.

It made me feel safe.

It made me feel closer to people.

It made me feel protected.

The harsh realities of the world could somehow be kept out if I just barricaded myself in in the centre of all the things that I loved given to me by all the people that I loved.

As I've got older and certainly being married to L in the forces, which means we're apt to move around a fair bit, I've learnt that it isn't practical to have so much stuff.

And I've learnt that no matter how well you build your barricade...it doesn't always keep hurt out. I didn't even need to go to university to learn that one.

So I've had to learn to let go of things. I've had to learn to stop hoarding and I'm slowly learning what it means to travel light.

It started to snow today. Not heavy and not enough to settle but its still snowing.

As we're not going to be in our own home for Christmas this year we're not getting a tree. We're not putting up decorations, we won't be here to open our cards and we won't be snuggled up together on our sofa against the freezing British weather watching the same films that they (the grand old boys club that is the BBC) show every year.

Although we're still going to be with family and there will still be Roast Turkey with all the trimmings, brightly wrapped presents, Christmas pudding, mine pies, carols playing on loop and the odd glass of wine...I'm going to miss the things I mentioned before.

Simply put they remind me of my childhood. It wasn't always happy and it didn't last as long as most childhoods but at Christmas time...with my mum and my sister(s) - L was more often than not 'away' as she moved out at 16 - I got to feel protected, safe, secure and happy. If only for 12 days.

Before we fly out to the States to have Christmas with L's parents we're making a flying visit to my sister L and possibly my mum's on the way back home. My sister has promised me that we'll go out pick a tree and decorate it together.

And I can't stop smiling when I think about it.

What does snow and Christmas and my sister L have to do with an apron? One year, I can't remember exactly when, before my parents split I was bought an apron. Just a run-of-the-mill children's apron with a picture of a hedgehog on it surrounded by the alphabet.

Its nothing special to look at.

Except that it is very special to me by what it represents, by what it symbolises. And no matter how often I go through all of my belongings and ruthlessly examine things to discard, to throw away...to let go of...I always tuck that apron right back into the drawer.

And I know that wherever L and I go, to whatever part of the world, and for ever how long, I'm going to be taking that apron with me.

Some things are just meant to be hoarded.