A Weighty Issue

Like a vast number of women out there I'm concerned (and fed up and frustrated) about my weight, in a nutshell I'm far heavier and softer than I'd like to be. I don't really understand why, I go to the gym 3 - 5 times a week and I mix everything up with weights, resistance training and cardio, plus I eat a healthy fibre rich diet and don't snack. And I'm still not what I would call slim...let me give you a few digits, I'm .....

36 years old
5ft or 152.4cm
8 st 9 lbs or 55 kg or 121.3 lbs
BMI 24.78 (normal)
Dress size (UK) 10, (European) 38, (US) 4 or 6

And STILL I'm not happy.

So what's the problem? Have I been comparing myself to others? Well, yes and no and a couple of other things in between those answers.

A couple of years ago those digits were different...and I was happier.

Surely my preoccupation should be with being healthy not slim or having the perfect body? What even is the perfect body and according to whom? And who are they to judge or decide what and whom has the perfect body? I'm not attacking anyone or looking to blame anyone, I'm genuinely curious. When and why did we as a society become so fixated on being slim? Why are so many women's, myself included, self esteem entwined with the number on the scales, the reflection in the mirror, the size label on our clothes and the label slim? Where has this fixation come from?

My psoriasis is virtual nonexistent, I have a few stubborn patches that refuse to disappear but that's no surprise because it is MY body we're talking about after all. Yet, that doesn't appease my vanity and boost my self esteem when it really should considering I have been a psoriasis sufferer for over 20 years and no amount of both prescribed and holistic lotions and potions have done that job.

My mum raised me with a great deal of love and she was always telling us girls that we could be and do anything we wanted, our looks and figures did not validate us as women, as human beings. I don't buy women's magazines being a firm believer my IQ drops by about 100 every time I do, so I'm unable to blame them for a negative body image and a preoccupation with being beautiful and slim. Which leaves the question, if I had a balanced, supportive, encouraging and empowering upbringing....why am I still governed by my appearance? And more importantly, if I as a 36 year old woman who hasn't been raised in a MTV era, encouraged to follow and emulate celebrity lifestyles, bombarded with airbrushed images of women and have still developed a sense of physical inadequacy, what chance do future generations of young girls have??