Closer to Home Truths

With seven weeks to go as an NQT and working with the very special children I do I'm starting to wrap things up emotionally, assigning my own closure.

You've heard me talk once or twice about my father, I don't like to talk about him very often not only because it's a raw subject but also because I know it's one subject and matter I'm never going to get closure on. Not in any way that I can accept at any rate.

With Father's Day and my father-in-law's birthday coming up I found myself looking around me at the 'Father' model I had before me, sadly it was extremely negative. My own experiences with what a father is and does is jaded and skewed at best, dysfunctional and damaged at worst. When I look at the father figure the children I teach have...well, it almost makes me thankful for the one I had.

I sent my father-in-law a 'dad' birthday card with a flippant message inside about not having a dad of my own so I was adopting him, I even joked I was mostly house trained now and had a job so I earn my own pocket money, implying I shouldn't be too much of a burden. Is that what I think a dad is like? - someone who moans at you for your mess and how much money you ask for? The truth is I don't know. I don't know what it's like to have a dad or a father-daughter relationship.

What I have are vague memories of a scary grumpy man with no patience, who once or twice came to get me from school and might have brought my bike for me to ride or an ice cream to eat. The other memories I have are of the things he did post separation.

The thing is as much as I lament not knowing or experiencing so many things (dad taxi, bank of dad - apparently, in my mind - dad meeting boyfriends, dad pushing me on a swing or singing Frozen like the dad in the house at back of ours) I had a really strong mumma. I had a mumma that was my nurse, my confidant, my hairdresser, my judge and jury, my North Star, my moral compass, my father and my mumma.

Can't ask for more than that.

Ostriches, a Fear of Failure and Zumba

What do ostriches, an inherent fear of failure and zumba have in common?......me.  Apparently.

It is just an email, yet no sooner had I opened it and read the contents then I felt as though I had been punched in the stomach.

I felt physically ill.

It was a reference request from my first choice of University for the PGCE course....

My first instinct was to close the email and distract myself with anything that didn't involve something as important as dealing with it.  See I told you...coward.

Although an ostrich has NEVER been scientifically proven to stick it's head in the sand when faced with danger or to merely avoid a situation, I'm still a huge advocate of being one and sticking my head in the proverbial sand pit of avoidance.  Chalk it up to a fear or failure.

Before the lectures start along the lines of 'you've come this far, don't screw things up now' or 'don't be silly, it's just an email' or 'doing nothing isn't an option because it's not going to go away' I replied to the email. 

So, now what is a very nervous woman to do when she's home alone?.....45 minute zumba session on the xbox of course!  Yes, I know I was up at 06:30 to do a quick 20 minute session this morning before work...guess it must be a full moon or something but that's another post.

Fizz kit here I come...oh boy!