I've had a few things on my mind lately, not the whimsical musings that I ponder to pass the time of a bus or train journey, but much weightier things.
I've had my fair share of bad bosses - who hasn't? - but my current one is something else. A few months ago I described her as ineffectual at best and incompetent at worst, now this doesn't begin to define her lack of communication or managerial ability.
It saddens me to say her incompetence was one of the first things I learned, that and she has a tendency to hang you out to dry for her own shortcomings in the presence of parents (I know, what a pleasant person!) Usually I can work around people like that, I learn pretty fast that I'm on my own and they can't be relied on to be anything other than a hindrance, but...time and time again I find myself angry, frustrated and clashing with her instead of just avoiding these situations.
Last week she tried to dress up the fact I've been given another child with emotional and behavioural problems as a compliment - it's owing to my expertise with DP that I've been chosen - rather than a simple case of DP has left and I'm the only Teaching Assistant available. Do I seriously look like I was born yesterday or am that easy to flatter and manipulate!?
It isn't that however that has me bent out of shape...I feel totally overwhelmed by these children. I have no experience with children, none of my own, no nieces or nephews...Let alone ones with emotional and behavioural issues. Plus, I've had no training, none whatsoever! I've been given a handout on children with emotional and behavioural issues but no instruction on how to deal with them or the dos and don'ts. Come to think on it I've had zero training full stop. Not even even on how to log childrens' behaviour on our electronic system, nor where I find detailed reports on their background or their Individual Learning Plan.
The long and short of it is I have no idea what I'm doing and no idea where or to whom I should turn for guidance. I feel so overwhelmed by it all, like I'm drowning in a sea of my own incompetence...
...I just wish those feelings of being overwhelmed, incompetent, like I'm drowning and alone didn't stretch to and include my whole life in general.
And for all my venting about my boss' incompetence what I'm really bent out of shape about is myself. I feel overwhelmed by pretty much every aspect of my life. I feel like I'm waiting, poised to be discovered as a fake...I'm waiting for people to see that I've no idea what I'm doing, that I have no confidence in myself or the decisions I've made (past and present) and worse....I'm too afraid to tell anyone. Who could help me anyway?
Tuesday, 14 February 2012
Monday, 13 February 2012
Role Reversal
I'm the stress head in our marriage, L is the one who wakes up cheerful, he has the perpetual sunny disposition and he is the one who is optimistic.
Until recently when we reversed roles.
L is glum, preoccupied, withdrawn and just not himself. He doesn't look forward to work anymore and come the weekend he doesn't want to go anywhere or do anything. It's not like him to be like this and I'm worried...we've been here before and it's not an experience I'm keen to repeat.
Obviously it goes without saying that we'll do what we did before...move heaven and earth, manipulate things and people and create pull to go with the push (to be a little cryptic). And if it means that I have ti postpone my PGCE Teacher Training course for another year...I'll do it. What is another twelve months in the grand scheme of things and compared to L's happiness?
It does strike me as odd that L and I have changed roles, I'm usually the insecure and needy one, I'm usually the one who is expecting the worst and worrying endlessly about things and I'm usually the one needs reassurance that everything is going to be okay no matter what the turn out is. Besides the above...we all know I don't like change!!
Until recently when we reversed roles.
L is glum, preoccupied, withdrawn and just not himself. He doesn't look forward to work anymore and come the weekend he doesn't want to go anywhere or do anything. It's not like him to be like this and I'm worried...we've been here before and it's not an experience I'm keen to repeat.
Obviously it goes without saying that we'll do what we did before...move heaven and earth, manipulate things and people and create pull to go with the push (to be a little cryptic). And if it means that I have ti postpone my PGCE Teacher Training course for another year...I'll do it. What is another twelve months in the grand scheme of things and compared to L's happiness?
It does strike me as odd that L and I have changed roles, I'm usually the insecure and needy one, I'm usually the one who is expecting the worst and worrying endlessly about things and I'm usually the one needs reassurance that everything is going to be okay no matter what the turn out is. Besides the above...we all know I don't like change!!
Monday, 6 February 2012
Distance
When people talk about it it's always cast as either the villain or the hero. It's something that is experienced as a physicality, being desired when a situation feels too intense and feared when one feels isolated.
Yesterday, whilst on the phone to my mum, it felt like our geographical distance had morphed into an emotional one. She talked and talked and talked about all the things going on in my sisters' lives - things I was glad to hear - but seemed to know nothing of what was going on in mine.
The question is - who put that distance there?
Yesterday, whilst on the phone to my mum, it felt like our geographical distance had morphed into an emotional one. She talked and talked and talked about all the things going on in my sisters' lives - things I was glad to hear - but seemed to know nothing of what was going on in mine.
The question is - who put that distance there?
Sunday, 5 February 2012
The World is Full of Surprises...
I am - more often than not - so caught up in worrying about things that I usually don't notice the small things that I should be thankful for or are a reason to smile. I am one of those people who is always rushing about the place, head and chin stuck out determinedly, forehead furrowed in a frown and intently focused on the future or some goal I'm pursuing.
Yet, over the last few weeks, on more than one occasion someone or something surprised me - in a good way - and made me come up short. I stopped worrying, stopped frowning, stopped rushing headlong into the future and smiled.
Yesterday, on my way into work (I was running late!) a lady who lives a few doors down gave me a lift. Seeing how cold it was and knowing she was going in my direction, she dropped me at work. We aren't friends - she has never been to my house, I have never been to hers, we haven't chatted over coffee or even exchange Christmas cards....but yet she showed me great kindness.
Before going through the school gates to work I saw the 'difficult TA' who I have described as having the 'personality of a cheese grater' coming toward me. I have to be honest I DID contemplate scurrying off to avoid her...but I didn't, i waved and waited for her to catch up. I couldn't haven been more surprised when she gave me a big hug and told me I 'had been missed.'
The other ladies at work were all really pleased to see me too, enveloping me in hugs and wanting to hear all about my holiday. It was all so unexpected. The affection and warmth they showed me was all the more touching because it was unlocked for.
Even the mother in law has surprised me lately...she's been warmer, less guarded, more affectionate and receptive to me. In the past whenever she has made a comment about my weight there has always been a negative air or tone to it, but recently I've become 'petit' and my 'legs are skinny'. Maybe she hasn't always been guilty of saying negative things to me, just as maybe my insecurities helped a comment be misconstrued.
I guess when you stop expecting and predicting how things are or are going to be, when you stop focusing so hard on what hasn't happened yet...there is room for surprise.
Yet, over the last few weeks, on more than one occasion someone or something surprised me - in a good way - and made me come up short. I stopped worrying, stopped frowning, stopped rushing headlong into the future and smiled.
Yesterday, on my way into work (I was running late!) a lady who lives a few doors down gave me a lift. Seeing how cold it was and knowing she was going in my direction, she dropped me at work. We aren't friends - she has never been to my house, I have never been to hers, we haven't chatted over coffee or even exchange Christmas cards....but yet she showed me great kindness.
Before going through the school gates to work I saw the 'difficult TA' who I have described as having the 'personality of a cheese grater' coming toward me. I have to be honest I DID contemplate scurrying off to avoid her...but I didn't, i waved and waited for her to catch up. I couldn't haven been more surprised when she gave me a big hug and told me I 'had been missed.'
The other ladies at work were all really pleased to see me too, enveloping me in hugs and wanting to hear all about my holiday. It was all so unexpected. The affection and warmth they showed me was all the more touching because it was unlocked for.
Even the mother in law has surprised me lately...she's been warmer, less guarded, more affectionate and receptive to me. In the past whenever she has made a comment about my weight there has always been a negative air or tone to it, but recently I've become 'petit' and my 'legs are skinny'. Maybe she hasn't always been guilty of saying negative things to me, just as maybe my insecurities helped a comment be misconstrued.
I guess when you stop expecting and predicting how things are or are going to be, when you stop focusing so hard on what hasn't happened yet...there is room for surprise.
Saturday, 21 January 2012
"Fears are nothing more than a state of mind" Napoleon Hill, American author, 1883 - 1970
Hhhmmmm where to begin....
I try to always trust my instincts because passed experiences have taught me that they are seldom off the mark.
When I was packing my bag to come away on holiday I had this feeling in the pit of my stomach, a kind of expectant and anticipatory feeling.
I got it again the other day, there was something in the air that spoke to me of change coming. I thought it might just be Spring, the air was refreshingly cold but when the wind didn't blow it held the promise of warmer weather to come. Equally all of the afore mentioned could just be the Californian weather...
So, needless to say I didn't pay my instincts any heed...
Winchester University contacted me to invite me to attend an interview on 1st February, the fact we will still be in the USA notwithstanding, you would think I would be over joyed...Nope! I burst into tears.
Practical Tasha, she told me that the 4 hour interview CAN BE broken down into manageable parts; 1) a timed essay 2) show and tell about a children's book and 3) a group task which will involve some kind of improvisation.
Non-practical emotional Tasha however, was evidently the more dominant (and mostly still is) voice.
Fear. It's a great equaliser.
It's hard to pin point what precisely I am afraid of.
Failure...not really.
Well not as such.
I'm afraid of being weighed and measured and found wanting.
It's about having a person look deep into your eyes, into your soul, judging you...and seeing that you aren't worthy.
I try to always trust my instincts because passed experiences have taught me that they are seldom off the mark.
When I was packing my bag to come away on holiday I had this feeling in the pit of my stomach, a kind of expectant and anticipatory feeling.
I got it again the other day, there was something in the air that spoke to me of change coming. I thought it might just be Spring, the air was refreshingly cold but when the wind didn't blow it held the promise of warmer weather to come. Equally all of the afore mentioned could just be the Californian weather...
So, needless to say I didn't pay my instincts any heed...
Winchester University contacted me to invite me to attend an interview on 1st February, the fact we will still be in the USA notwithstanding, you would think I would be over joyed...Nope! I burst into tears.
Practical Tasha, she told me that the 4 hour interview CAN BE broken down into manageable parts; 1) a timed essay 2) show and tell about a children's book and 3) a group task which will involve some kind of improvisation.
Non-practical emotional Tasha however, was evidently the more dominant (and mostly still is) voice.
Fear. It's a great equaliser.
It's hard to pin point what precisely I am afraid of.
Failure...not really.
Well not as such.
I'm afraid of being weighed and measured and found wanting.
It's about having a person look deep into your eyes, into your soul, judging you...and seeing that you aren't worthy.
Saturday, 7 January 2012
It's Complicated
I have so much nervous energy and so many things running through my head that there really was only ONE thing I could do about all that nervous energy today....CLEAN and ORGANISE!
I wrote myself a 'to do' list (I love lists, they help with my control issues) of all the things that I wanted to give some attention to or take care of....
1. hoover the house upstairs and down
2. clean the kitchen
3. wash kitchen floor
4. wash the car
5. clean inside of the car (hoover, wipe windows, dash etc)
6. clean the toilets
7. filing - paper work like bank statements, exchange car insurance docs over in the car
8. write a letter to a friend
9. laundry washing
10. clean bathroom
11. clean all the windows in the house
12. send my sister L the receipt for Christmas present so that she can change the size
13. burn old receipts
14. dust
15. pay some bills (on line)
16. write a list of the bits we need to buy to take with us to the States
17. text flight details & timings to a friend's parents who are being kind enough to take us to the airport
18. tidy and organise the garage
19. ironing
20. put clean clothes away
...you get the point.
I've pretty much managed to do all those things.
The thing is I don't really enjoy cleaning (does anyone?) but when I've got an excess of nervous energy and things on my mind...I have to do something and it might as well be productive. Plus, like I said organising helps me with my control issues. What? I've never said I was normal!
The idea of keeping myself busy and distracting myself stems from when I was at University and had essays to write. When I used to struggle to find the right words to express my arguments I used to play solitaire on my laptop, while one part of my brain was focused on the task of winning the game, the other part of my brain was busy working out what I wanted to say and how I wanted to say it. Don't ask me how or why this used to work but it did.
While I was elbow deep in cleaning and organising today it gave me a chance to turn my reflections inward and ascertain what it is that I'm nervous about.....L coming home.
He's starting his journey home in a couple of hours and will have to do 24 hours of decompression in Cyprus but he should (I use this term loosely because you can never be sure of anything with the military) be home by Tuesday lunch time.
What am I apprehensive about?...well, lots of things really. For a start, I'm going to have to get used to him being home, as in having another person in the house plus, I'll have a break in my routine (remember I'm not great with change, especially if it's not of my choosing). It's hard to explain what it is like to go through the emotionally stressful time of having your partner away in a war zone (or just consistently absent to be frank), in addition to dealing with your own day-to-day life. It seems clichéd to say that it is very complicated and stressful but it is.
I wrote myself a 'to do' list (I love lists, they help with my control issues) of all the things that I wanted to give some attention to or take care of....
1. hoover the house upstairs and down
2. clean the kitchen
3. wash kitchen floor
4. wash the car
5. clean inside of the car (hoover, wipe windows, dash etc)
6. clean the toilets
7. filing - paper work like bank statements, exchange car insurance docs over in the car
8. write a letter to a friend
9. laundry washing
10. clean bathroom
11. clean all the windows in the house
12. send my sister L the receipt for Christmas present so that she can change the size
13. burn old receipts
14. dust
15. pay some bills (on line)
16. write a list of the bits we need to buy to take with us to the States
17. text flight details & timings to a friend's parents who are being kind enough to take us to the airport
18. tidy and organise the garage
19. ironing
20. put clean clothes away
...you get the point.
I've pretty much managed to do all those things.
The thing is I don't really enjoy cleaning (does anyone?) but when I've got an excess of nervous energy and things on my mind...I have to do something and it might as well be productive. Plus, like I said organising helps me with my control issues. What? I've never said I was normal!
The idea of keeping myself busy and distracting myself stems from when I was at University and had essays to write. When I used to struggle to find the right words to express my arguments I used to play solitaire on my laptop, while one part of my brain was focused on the task of winning the game, the other part of my brain was busy working out what I wanted to say and how I wanted to say it. Don't ask me how or why this used to work but it did.
While I was elbow deep in cleaning and organising today it gave me a chance to turn my reflections inward and ascertain what it is that I'm nervous about.....L coming home.
He's starting his journey home in a couple of hours and will have to do 24 hours of decompression in Cyprus but he should (I use this term loosely because you can never be sure of anything with the military) be home by Tuesday lunch time.
What am I apprehensive about?...well, lots of things really. For a start, I'm going to have to get used to him being home, as in having another person in the house plus, I'll have a break in my routine (remember I'm not great with change, especially if it's not of my choosing). It's hard to explain what it is like to go through the emotionally stressful time of having your partner away in a war zone (or just consistently absent to be frank), in addition to dealing with your own day-to-day life. It seems clichéd to say that it is very complicated and stressful but it is.
Thursday, 5 January 2012
Wednesday Wonderings
You would think with all the time off I've had from work and all the time I've had to myself with L being away that I'd have been inundated with entertaining and enlightening thoughts....Apparently not.
So to cut to the chase here is what I've been considering, however fleeting...
When, if ever, anger is a useful emotion?
Is 34 too young to be bitter?
Why some people seem to suffer with selective hearing?
Why I should feel obliged to go and visit the queen bee and her new born off spring when I have ZERO inclination and interest in doing so?
When my libido is going to feel like returning? Probably off on sabbatical with my creative muse I assume.
When I'm going to realise that the headache I've got is not going to go away simply by ignoring it?
What is the difference between being stubborn and being determined?
Why people revert to stupid and completely unhelpful sayings like 'what's done is done' in moments of crisis? Seriously, that's the best and most sage advice you've got?....Remind me not to come to you again in a hurry!
Why when I've just taken or just bought a pregnancy test does my period decide to come? Mother Nature sure has a wry sense of humour.
If not being able to give up on things is a good or bad thing?
Where my patience and tolerance has gone today?
Where I was when Mother Nature was giving out a maternal instinct or should that be maternal interest? The latter I think. No I don't have any interest in your children, no I don't want to pretend that I have, no I don't want to hold them, no I don't want to hear about the latest funny/cute etc thing that they've done, no I don't see why you should be offended/insulted/upset that I've no interest in them or pretending to have interest in them. Get over it. I have.
If my mood will improve any time soon?
Do women who are mother's know how patronising and condescending it is to don the air of superiority whilst waxing lyrical on how 'motherhood puts things into perspective and petty concerns stop mattering'? Do they know how insulting it is to have your concerns reduced down to 'petty' just because you've decided not to increase the population? Next time your rugrat has a cold or is cutting a tooth I'll remind you of the significance of it in comparison to my other half fighting a war in Afghanistan.
Should I really have called this post Tasha's Rants rather than Wednesday Wonderings?....Maybe. Probably. Definitely.
How am I going to cope if L gets posted to Hereford? That's another 24 months of him being everywhere but home with me, with 10 months of that including me (potentially) trying to get my teaching qualification without any emotional support.
How do other wives settle in to military life? It's a case of square peg round hole for me.
What a girl, i.e. me, has to do to get a decent night's sleep?
Why some women, despite being advanced in age, don't seem to have outgrown the childish need to be the centre of attention?
Why the said same women don't seem to have outgrown whispering and tittering in the corner of the staff room?
Why all I can think about is chocolate?
Why I have the flexibility of a brick wall?
Should I be worried that I do share A LOT of similarities with Sheldon Cooper from the Big Bang Theory?
Why do sisters fight and argue so much?
Who do I need to thank that L has been away for months and I haven't succumbed to a cold, therefore needing to be looked after|?
If I'm going mad? Only I'm pretty sure someone has been getting into my house and moving things, like leaving a pair of black knickers in front of the TV on the table that I could have sworn I put in the washing basket.
Where I can find academic essays discussing Victorian Erotica? I'm not a perv, I did want to write my thesis on it, analysing the stylistic differences between male and female authors. Or I might have gone down the linguistic root and analysed sexually explicit words used to describe female genitalia, but a certain University head of department wouldn't sign off on it, apparently there are only so many interesting ways you can say where he put it and how...Personally I think it wouldn't have mattered what - ahem - angle I took, she wasn't going to sign off on it. Mean frigid cow.
So to cut to the chase here is what I've been considering, however fleeting...
When, if ever, anger is a useful emotion?
Is 34 too young to be bitter?
Why some people seem to suffer with selective hearing?
Why I should feel obliged to go and visit the queen bee and her new born off spring when I have ZERO inclination and interest in doing so?
When my libido is going to feel like returning? Probably off on sabbatical with my creative muse I assume.
When I'm going to realise that the headache I've got is not going to go away simply by ignoring it?
What is the difference between being stubborn and being determined?
Why people revert to stupid and completely unhelpful sayings like 'what's done is done' in moments of crisis? Seriously, that's the best and most sage advice you've got?....Remind me not to come to you again in a hurry!
Why when I've just taken or just bought a pregnancy test does my period decide to come? Mother Nature sure has a wry sense of humour.
If not being able to give up on things is a good or bad thing?
Where my patience and tolerance has gone today?
Where I was when Mother Nature was giving out a maternal instinct or should that be maternal interest? The latter I think. No I don't have any interest in your children, no I don't want to pretend that I have, no I don't want to hold them, no I don't want to hear about the latest funny/cute etc thing that they've done, no I don't see why you should be offended/insulted/upset that I've no interest in them or pretending to have interest in them. Get over it. I have.
If my mood will improve any time soon?
Do women who are mother's know how patronising and condescending it is to don the air of superiority whilst waxing lyrical on how 'motherhood puts things into perspective and petty concerns stop mattering'? Do they know how insulting it is to have your concerns reduced down to 'petty' just because you've decided not to increase the population? Next time your rugrat has a cold or is cutting a tooth I'll remind you of the significance of it in comparison to my other half fighting a war in Afghanistan.
Should I really have called this post Tasha's Rants rather than Wednesday Wonderings?....Maybe. Probably. Definitely.
How am I going to cope if L gets posted to Hereford? That's another 24 months of him being everywhere but home with me, with 10 months of that including me (potentially) trying to get my teaching qualification without any emotional support.
How do other wives settle in to military life? It's a case of square peg round hole for me.
What a girl, i.e. me, has to do to get a decent night's sleep?
Why some women, despite being advanced in age, don't seem to have outgrown the childish need to be the centre of attention?
Why the said same women don't seem to have outgrown whispering and tittering in the corner of the staff room?
Why all I can think about is chocolate?
Why I have the flexibility of a brick wall?
Should I be worried that I do share A LOT of similarities with Sheldon Cooper from the Big Bang Theory?
Why do sisters fight and argue so much?
Who do I need to thank that L has been away for months and I haven't succumbed to a cold, therefore needing to be looked after|?
If I'm going mad? Only I'm pretty sure someone has been getting into my house and moving things, like leaving a pair of black knickers in front of the TV on the table that I could have sworn I put in the washing basket.
Where I can find academic essays discussing Victorian Erotica? I'm not a perv, I did want to write my thesis on it, analysing the stylistic differences between male and female authors. Or I might have gone down the linguistic root and analysed sexually explicit words used to describe female genitalia, but a certain University head of department wouldn't sign off on it, apparently there are only so many interesting ways you can say where he put it and how...Personally I think it wouldn't have mattered what - ahem - angle I took, she wasn't going to sign off on it. Mean frigid cow.
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