If you believe all clichés: people come into your life for a reason and once that reason has been fulfilled then it's time for them to move on, all good things must come to an end, we grew a part...then I shouldn't be surprised we are where we are.
I am though.
And so disappointed too.
It's true we stopped making an effort with each other.
We stopped texting and talking and sharing the big things in our lives.
Gifts began to reek of duty rather than insight, they were no longer designed to show appreciation or affection a long time ago.
When we began to change we stopped reaching out to each for support and mutual acceptance, some of our hearts lacked sincerity and one of us went through the motion of saying what they thought the other wanted to hear. The other pretended she cared.
I understand that as we grow and change people come and go from our lives, I just always assumed that that was a teenage thing, not a late thirties thing.
If I'm honest I know I've censored myself, my feelings, thoughts, opinions and I lost the will to allow myself to be vulnerable.
It happens I know, to lazy people and people who stop caring.
I'm still sad and disappointed too.
Monday, 23 November 2015
Monday, 5 October 2015
Love and Dragons
The other day I happen to be in the vicinity of a friend discussing her daughter-in-law issues, I listened without offering an opinion because it wasn't my place to, but after...I started thinking about my own mother-in-law issues. I began to wonder if grandchildren were involved if we'd be so amicable or would she also fear I'd withhold them because we disagreed?
For the most part I've just accepted it's a mother-in-law perogative to be pushy and domineering especially when it comes to their sons. Why? Well because it's about control, jealousy and things so deeply primal and innate I'll be damned if I'm intelligent enough to figure them out and impose order because I'm not a mother.
Generally speaking I get on pretty well with my mother-in-law J, she's an independent hard working woman who has really come into her own over the last ten years. The change in her confidence and self-esteem is wonderful to see, and I'm proud of her accomplishments. As mother-in-laws go she's a good one; kind, caring, considerate and generous...
..I know you can hear the but coming...BUT there are times her taking over, smothering and general narcissism have me rolling my eyes and leaving the room before my inner monologue becomes a soliloquy. I have very little time or patience for those who show off, celebrate your success and discuss the compliments you have been paid but bragging and boasting is just plain abnormal egotism. It's also inexorably insipid and tedious. In addition to liking to sing her own praises, when we visit she takes over and I take a back seat. I do this because L's parents live 8,000 miles away and those 2-3 weeks once or twice a year are the only time he gets to spend with them. Geography aside, I won't put him in the position where he is stuck between a rock and a hard place: us! You've got to pick your battles and to date we've not clashed over anything. I might once have aired my opinion on her husband's selfish response and total absence of concern when L was in a car crash which totalled his car, and I might not have minced my words or left any ambiguity to how much I applauded her love in staying with a man so undeniably petty and callous. I might have done that. Once.
I wonder what her issues with me are: no grandchildren? Too opinionated? Too indecisive? Too hotheaded? Too moody? Too demanding? Too aloof? Too dismissive? I know she feels I 'seduced her son' because she's told a table full people - twice. Well, aren't I the veritable tramp?
Either which way, derisive humour and comments aside, I know I'm lucky with J if the worst of our relationship issues is the minor complaint that she has a tendency to brag too much and take over. It could be far worse and I am thankful for that. I miss her when we're here and no one makes Christmas special in the way that she does, and above all I am reverently aware without her I wouldn't have L and for him I'd put up with her being a complete overbearing dragon.
For the most part I've just accepted it's a mother-in-law perogative to be pushy and domineering especially when it comes to their sons. Why? Well because it's about control, jealousy and things so deeply primal and innate I'll be damned if I'm intelligent enough to figure them out and impose order because I'm not a mother.
Generally speaking I get on pretty well with my mother-in-law J, she's an independent hard working woman who has really come into her own over the last ten years. The change in her confidence and self-esteem is wonderful to see, and I'm proud of her accomplishments. As mother-in-laws go she's a good one; kind, caring, considerate and generous...
..I know you can hear the but coming...BUT there are times her taking over, smothering and general narcissism have me rolling my eyes and leaving the room before my inner monologue becomes a soliloquy. I have very little time or patience for those who show off, celebrate your success and discuss the compliments you have been paid but bragging and boasting is just plain abnormal egotism. It's also inexorably insipid and tedious. In addition to liking to sing her own praises, when we visit she takes over and I take a back seat. I do this because L's parents live 8,000 miles away and those 2-3 weeks once or twice a year are the only time he gets to spend with them. Geography aside, I won't put him in the position where he is stuck between a rock and a hard place: us! You've got to pick your battles and to date we've not clashed over anything. I might once have aired my opinion on her husband's selfish response and total absence of concern when L was in a car crash which totalled his car, and I might not have minced my words or left any ambiguity to how much I applauded her love in staying with a man so undeniably petty and callous. I might have done that. Once.
I wonder what her issues with me are: no grandchildren? Too opinionated? Too indecisive? Too hotheaded? Too moody? Too demanding? Too aloof? Too dismissive? I know she feels I 'seduced her son' because she's told a table full people - twice. Well, aren't I the veritable tramp?
Either which way, derisive humour and comments aside, I know I'm lucky with J if the worst of our relationship issues is the minor complaint that she has a tendency to brag too much and take over. It could be far worse and I am thankful for that. I miss her when we're here and no one makes Christmas special in the way that she does, and above all I am reverently aware without her I wouldn't have L and for him I'd put up with her being a complete overbearing dragon.
Wednesday, 2 September 2015
Wednesday Wonderings
It's been an absolute age since I posted one of these, so here are the things I've been philosophising about lately.
1) What happened to summer? It's pretty much rained for 7 weeks. Summer's on holiday apparently.
2) What purpose do slugs serve? To enrage you by eating everything you haven't yet killed.
3) Why do so many women pluck their eyebrows to virtual non-existence and then draw them back on? Too much time on their hands and access to a mirror, at a guess.
4) Where has my mojo gone? AWOL apparently. Check with summer, it might be with him.
5) What happened to my plan to start writing my novel over summer? It's probably in the same place as summer and your mojo.
6) Is is safe to admit that I am SO proud of myself for learning how to use a sewing machine? Not out loud nor in public.
7) Should I be alarmed that I'm sarcastically answering myself? Why start being alarmed now? You've always had this habit.
8) Why can't my neighbours communicate with their children at a decent volume? How else would they so thoughtfully keep you abreast of their latest drama?
9) Will L be offered a job in Dubai? Yes, if he gets his CV together and applies rather than just talking about it.
10) If life is short why do meetings, the last day of school and flights to holiday destinations take so long? Because old Father Time has a sense of humour and likes it to be at your expense.
11) When am I going to realise I'm not a Stepford wife? Knowing you, not any time or baked goods attempt soon.
12) Did my year 6 teacher really ball out a classmate for reading Enid Blighton Malory Towers with the criticism 'it's not real'? Yeah because during both my childhood and adult life I can't move for losing things to Borrowers, or opening my wardrobe door and inadvertedly finding myself in Narnia and boy is it annoying just how often I tumble down a rabbit hole whilst propped up against a tree.
1) What happened to summer? It's pretty much rained for 7 weeks. Summer's on holiday apparently.
2) What purpose do slugs serve? To enrage you by eating everything you haven't yet killed.
3) Why do so many women pluck their eyebrows to virtual non-existence and then draw them back on? Too much time on their hands and access to a mirror, at a guess.
4) Where has my mojo gone? AWOL apparently. Check with summer, it might be with him.
5) What happened to my plan to start writing my novel over summer? It's probably in the same place as summer and your mojo.
6) Is is safe to admit that I am SO proud of myself for learning how to use a sewing machine? Not out loud nor in public.
7) Should I be alarmed that I'm sarcastically answering myself? Why start being alarmed now? You've always had this habit.
8) Why can't my neighbours communicate with their children at a decent volume? How else would they so thoughtfully keep you abreast of their latest drama?
9) Will L be offered a job in Dubai? Yes, if he gets his CV together and applies rather than just talking about it.
10) If life is short why do meetings, the last day of school and flights to holiday destinations take so long? Because old Father Time has a sense of humour and likes it to be at your expense.
11) When am I going to realise I'm not a Stepford wife? Knowing you, not any time or baked goods attempt soon.
12) Did my year 6 teacher really ball out a classmate for reading Enid Blighton Malory Towers with the criticism 'it's not real'? Yeah because during both my childhood and adult life I can't move for losing things to Borrowers, or opening my wardrobe door and inadvertedly finding myself in Narnia and boy is it annoying just how often I tumble down a rabbit hole whilst propped up against a tree.
Tuesday, 1 September 2015
Great Expectations, Brave New World and The Doors of Perception
Today I drove to my old place of work to collect any final things I had left behind back in July (in my haste to bolt out of the door) and drop off my set of keys. Strolling around and collecting up my things whilst I munched on sweets I can't say I felt any nostalgia. Not one bit. I didn't even feel a sense of 'closure' like I had expected, or a feeling of a weight being lifted from my shoulders for that matter. I had expected both those things.
I felt misty eyed enough to text my old boss to give her a heads up I'd stopped by, picked up some things and dropped the keys off. Apparently seven weeks is a very long time to not see and talk to a person (even when they added you on FB not six weeks ago) and therefore the person must be addressed as though they were a blast from your past. Not entirely sure what I expected there but evidently it was more than the hasty brush off.
I suppose I should look at the whole situation as 'one door closing and another opening' and I do (still have my head looking at the floor with my hands thrust deep into my jean pockets as I scuff my trainer in the dirt with wounded pride though), I mean there's only a slight if I perceive one surely.
So, as my next chapter begins and I have - as per usual - a great deal of uncertainty hanging over me (including whether L will apply for that job in Dubai amongst other things) I step bravely forward into the unchartered territory, with dirty trainers but my head held high.
I felt misty eyed enough to text my old boss to give her a heads up I'd stopped by, picked up some things and dropped the keys off. Apparently seven weeks is a very long time to not see and talk to a person (even when they added you on FB not six weeks ago) and therefore the person must be addressed as though they were a blast from your past. Not entirely sure what I expected there but evidently it was more than the hasty brush off.
I suppose I should look at the whole situation as 'one door closing and another opening' and I do (still have my head looking at the floor with my hands thrust deep into my jean pockets as I scuff my trainer in the dirt with wounded pride though), I mean there's only a slight if I perceive one surely.
So, as my next chapter begins and I have - as per usual - a great deal of uncertainty hanging over me (including whether L will apply for that job in Dubai amongst other things) I step bravely forward into the unchartered territory, with dirty trainers but my head held high.
Monday, 31 August 2015
Better the Devil You Know
As the new school year approaches and I go back to agency work I find I have a whole host of niggerling anxieties, like:
1) Will I be able to teach in a main stream environment?
2) Will I get regular enough work?
3) What if in my first temp role the sea of 30+ faces makes me panic?
4) What if all my behaviour strategies/management go out of the window and I can't control the class?
5) What if I have to drive on the motorway to get to one of my temp roles?
6) What if the school doesn't like me and they complain?
Right now I can safely say I have a deeper understanding of the saying 'better the devil you know' and why some are tempted to go with it.
1) Will I be able to teach in a main stream environment?
2) Will I get regular enough work?
3) What if in my first temp role the sea of 30+ faces makes me panic?
4) What if all my behaviour strategies/management go out of the window and I can't control the class?
5) What if I have to drive on the motorway to get to one of my temp roles?
6) What if the school doesn't like me and they complain?
Right now I can safely say I have a deeper understanding of the saying 'better the devil you know' and why some are tempted to go with it.
Thursday, 16 July 2015
Here
My NQT papers completing my trainee year have been signed off and submitted.
Reports have been written.
We've had the end of year party.
I've bought them all a little something.
Somewhere between these things I've got to where I am now...tired, sad to be leaving, hoping I made a difference (however small), praying life gets better for them and wanting so desperately to hear of their success.
More than the above I'm left with being a part of the emotional silence that descended on us all as C, my ADHD boy, sung Sam Smith's Lay Me Down. I was, am, so proud of the him.
Some how between being slapped, kicked, punched, spat at, verbally abused and screamed at I wound up here...loving them all and actually really upset to be leaving them.
Reports have been written.
We've had the end of year party.
I've bought them all a little something.
Somewhere between these things I've got to where I am now...tired, sad to be leaving, hoping I made a difference (however small), praying life gets better for them and wanting so desperately to hear of their success.
More than the above I'm left with being a part of the emotional silence that descended on us all as C, my ADHD boy, sung Sam Smith's Lay Me Down. I was, am, so proud of the him.
Some how between being slapped, kicked, punched, spat at, verbally abused and screamed at I wound up here...loving them all and actually really upset to be leaving them.
Thursday, 9 July 2015
Love and Hate and Other Things Beside
Just when I have finished congratulating myself on being unique I go and do or say something that is inherent in just about every human being on this planet. Take for example the fact I have been wishing my life away by staring forlornly toward Friday 17th July like a rejected besotted teenager, only to wake up suddenly with a desire to hold back time like a death row inmate.
On Friday 17th July I officially finish my NQT year and working at the school I'm at, I don't know whether to pat myself on the back for surviving it (especially given the children I work with) or to mourn it like the end of a passionate love affair.
Yup. I've got no answer to that.
On Friday 17th July I officially finish my NQT year and working at the school I'm at, I don't know whether to pat myself on the back for surviving it (especially given the children I work with) or to mourn it like the end of a passionate love affair.
Yup. I've got no answer to that.
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