Day 06 Something You Hope You Never Have To Do.

I could be lighthearted about this one and say something like I hope I never have to deal with a child's snotty and snot encrusted nose yuck. I am gagging just thinking about it...er nice, but that would be just me trying to avoid answering a difficult question.

I've been staring at this is blank page for the best part of half an hour trying to think of all the things I hope I never have to do; experience having to watch a loved one die in great pain and suffering, sing on stage in front of people (you'd thank me profusely for that one), plunge/unblock a toilet, touch a slug (that one is genuine, snot I can just about deal with but slugs...absolutely not).

All of those are legitimate things that I sincerely do hope I never have to do but not what I am avoiding voicing or admitting to. I'm using humour again to deflect from my discomfort at having to answer something which not only makes me apprehensive and uneasy but sits in the pit of my stomach bringing on the fight or flight response.

The answer to this question is the one thing I have stressed endlessly and most consistently about for the last two or more years, from it have come all my nightmares, the majority of my tears and my mood swings. I don't want to say it out loud, I don't want to have to commit it to paper in case just saying it and reading it there in indelible ink (metaphorically speaking) means I have to finally face up to it, analyse it and myself and ... then face the undeniable. I don't want to have my worst fears confirmed, and in my warped rationale while I am in denial and a coward not only do I not have to do that I can also cling to complete confidence in them not being true. I can hide from them and pretend they don't exist and I can hope that - given time - they will just disappear by themselves. May be my fears only amount to something bad - in my eyes - because of the way I am mis-joining the dots of my thoughts and feelings. May be the picture I see is distorted and discordant because I haven't joined things up properly or in the right fashion, may be I would see more clearly and may be the picture would be ... less scary if I rearranged them one at a time. May be the formula I am using is all wrong, may be worst fears + horrible gut wrenching reaction doesn't = proof of fears, therefore the end of my world as I know it. Huh, makes complete sense when I phrase it like that ... and I do feel a little better ... but ... what if I am right? What if all that rearranging and re-organising does nothing but make it impossible to hide? What then?

So to be entirely cryptic something I hope I never have to do is face my worst fears and have them confirmed. Sorry but I am still not ready to name and deal with this one yet.