What's in a Name?...

I am a lot of things.  I am a writer, I am a housewife, I am a sister, daughter, friend, I am unemployed, I am a wife, I am an editor....I am lost. 

What if none of those labels fit?  What if on any given day I reject all of them?  What if more often than not it's a case of square peg round hole?

What then?  What if I try on all these labels like I try on clothes in the morning?...When I'm the writer I wear my glasses and a frown, when I'm a housewife I wear a hoodie and my sheep slippers, when I'm a sister I wear whatever I think will keep my sisters off my back about my fashion choices.  When I'm a daughter I wear the latest item my mum bought me, when I'm a friend I wear my sympathetic ears and a wry smile, when I'm unemployed I wear my hair greasy and a concerned expression, when I'm a wife I wear my indulgent 'no it doesn't bother me that you have to go away again' face and a t-shirt that makes L smile.  When I'm an editor I wear deep concentration and usually my pjs because I'm too involved to have bothered getting dressed.

But what if none of those things are really me or really fit?

When I meet new people socially and they ask me what I do - and this happens a lot when you get passed 28 - I panic.  The little voice in my head tells me 'quick think of something!...It doesn't have to be impressive just don't tell them you're an unemployed housewife!'  I used to tell people I was a student, although the last time I was physically studying was November last year.  The one time I did say I wasn't really doing anything at present the other woman looked at me with a somewhat shocked look on her face and asked rather bluntly, 'so what do you find to do all day long?  You must be really bored since you don't have kids'  After that I started to lie.

I tell people that I work from home and am a freelance editor/proof reader, although I haven't edited anything since John's novel back at the beginning of the year and I'm not sure if the proof reading work is going to materialise.  After telling those lies and having managed to secure something to physically occupy my time I happily told people about volunteering in the local school.  Well, I didn't offer up the title of 'volunteer' and I didn't say that I was 'working' either, I said something like 'I am up at the school at the top of the road'.  Non-specific and quite clearly not my fault if they decided to construe that it was paid work and full time, with a contract.

Why did I lie?  Because as ashamed as I am to admit this I loath telling people that I'm a housewife - at present - because it doesn't feel enough.  And I do add the 'at present' bit because it absolutely won't be for forever. 

I'm not sure what is more concerning: that I am quite clearly not as comfortable with who I am and what I doing and where I'm going as I like to tell myself that I am or the fact that I feel the need to lie about it.  I dislike fake people intensely, I dislike people who are afraid to be themselves, I dislike people who feel that they need to pretend to be some one else, and the reason I dislike people who do this is because they come across as needy and insecure.

Guess I'll be adding needy and insecure to my list of labels.

The point is, sitting here comfortably on my sofa, with a half finished re-designed and edited CV and a half filled in application form I am not really bothered.  I am content-ish.  I'm irked and peeved with myself that I haven't finished either of those very important and integral to being someone things but I'm happy-ish.  I'm not challenged, my intelligence is definitely dropping (did you not read my post on needing to look up the word gazebo for a gazebo?) and I am feeling very unfulfilled.  I feel like I'm wasting my potential and I should be out there doing...something.

And that is part of the problem.  What I want to be when I grow up changes, often....but I have narrowed it down to 3 dreams: a primary school teacher, a writer and a cafe owner.  In no particular order. How can I go out there and be someone doing something if I haven't and can't decide on which one.  Why do I have to pick one?...Please no one point out at this point that multitasking isn't one of my skills.  Don't worry I didn't lie and say that it was on my CV.  No, apparently I only lie face-to-face.  Oh and doesn't that make it so much better?!

Getting back to the point, I'm beginning to wonder whether it's self-imposed pressure that makes me feel like I ought to lie rather than telling the truth and saying I'm working toward becoming a qualified Primary School Teacher, or that I'm taking a career break while I decide what I want to be when I grow up, or if it's just societal pressure?  Is there pressure from society to be successful?  I suppose to a certain extent there is, we are the-consumer-driven-have-it-all-generation that has been repeatedly told by our parents that we can be anything and do anything that we want to because we have more choices than they ever did.

Or is my need to lie really just about the fact I feel lost? Without a label (career and job wise) I no longer know who I am.  I have no identity.  I am suffering from an internal and destabilising crisis just like the disruption and psychological hysteria that society felt after the Victorian era came to an end - enter Modernism/Modernity stage left - I am Joseph K in Franz Karfka's The Trial, I am Coleman Silk in Philip Roth's The Human Stain - I am struggling to find my own sense of self, my own identity but I'm only able to define myself by what I am not.

I am not just a wife, a sister, daughter, a friend.  I am not just a housewife, unemployed, a writer or an editor...I am me in all its fractured glory.

I just don't know what the dictionary defintion of me is.  Yet.

Hermits, Imaginary Friends and Same Differences

L tells me that I don't mix well with other children, which is his way of saying that I'm a little anti-social but I disagree - surprise! - I prefer to think of it as being choosy about whom I am friends with.

The other wives where we live often invite me out drinking and I make excuses; I have family down to visit (I did...once) 'I'm away that weekend visiting family' (this was also true...okay also only once!) 'I won't be here then, we're flying to the states on the ...' (insert whatever date - oo this ONE has been valid more than once!) 'I'd loved you but I have a cold' (I really did have one) ...and the excuses ran out. So last Friday I joined the ladies on a night out.

It wasn't a complete disaster but I wasn't particularly comfortable all night either. The 2 beers, 5 vodka and diet cokes and 4 shots helped to relax me a little but I still didn't feel at ease with these other women and here's why...

1. I was seriously under dressed in jeans, a black fitted shirt and tan healed boots compared to the other ladies . Everyone else wore slinky dresses, sky scrapper shoes, lots of black eyeliner and glam sparkly eyeshadow and false eyes lashes.

2. I do not have any children and so couldn't swap 'I'm so glad to be out and to have some time to myself away from the kids' stories.

3. I do not enjoy getting inebriated - yes I know the amount I drank would be beg to differ but...okay no buts. I drank too much.

And saving the best till last these will either make you laugh or pity me immensely...

4. I've spent the last 6-7 years being entirely focused on finding out what I want to be when I grow up and paving the road toward this...so I haven't had time to socialise and get drunk. I've been far too busy and far too focused. Besides, I did all the going out and getting incredibly drunk in my late teens and early twenties, so...well boring! Unless its with Trish.

5. I wasn't out with Trish so I wasn't relaxed, comfortable and therefore really just looking for the earliest and least obvious time that I could go home. Yes it really did take THAT long that I had to consume all those drinks!!

6. I like my own company. I'm happy to sit in and watch something on TV or happier still to get into a good book or to just hang out...Or doing what I refer to as working which is analysing books, characters, plots, and helping others write short stories.

Regardless of the amount that I had to drink one thing struck me about the conversations I had with these ladies...every one of them said they felt like they were struggling to find themselves, felt isolated and different to other wives/women. It was listening to them that made me realise that I'm not struggling to find myself any more, that I don't feel isolated and I'm not so different but just different enough as to be individual and happy with it.

I know to the outside world it can seem that if I were any more reclusive I'd be a hermit...or fall into the space dedicated to imaginary friends/wife...but I'm okay with that. More than being okay I'm happy with it and I wouldn't change a thing.