Changes

I spoke to my sister T - in person on the phone - for the first time in months last night. I have to admit usually I avoid my sister at all cost and when I do have to spend time with her i.e. I can't get out of it it isn't something I look forward to. Every mile that we cover which brings us closer together fills me with dread and fear and toxic emotions that last for days. Even now, hours after our conversation, I am still thinking about it and chewing over her words. And although I am not crying (for once) and I laughed along with her I hid that what she said hurt.

While we chatted I told her I'd been diagnosed with PCOS. I'd been putting it off and putting it off, not just because I didn't know the right words but because speaking to her is never an enjoyable experience for me. T's response was to ask and this is a direct quote 'Are you that bothered? Do you want children?' Not the reaction I was looking for but in hindsight...not surprising.

In her eyes I'm not her little sister with a condition which influences her moods, has an impact on her fertility, and has other health implications, including mental. No, I am her moody sister who is a drama queen, cries too much and over the smallest of things and makes a bigger deal than is necessary out of everything. I've always been like that in her eyes so there is no cause for concern. She did however, at least 2 or 3 times say she was there for me if I wanted to talk...hhhmmm let me think about that...why would I want to open up and confide my inner most fears and feelings to a person who dismisses everything that I have to say and feel as being a drama queen? Oh that's right because this, according to mum, is how T shows that she loves me and apparently I should accept whatever form - insults and belittlements included - that she chooses to show me this.

T's advice? Well, aside from me remembering that she is always there for me if I need to talk, every day I should remember at least one thing that is a positive...sorry I can't type for crazy manic laughter. If I don't laugh I'll only cry and what's the point in that?

Telling my family I've been diagnosed with PCOS was a big deal for me. I wanted to be supported and comforted and reassured. I wanted them to be concerned enough to research it for themselves and I wanted them to be understanding. Really what I wanted most of all was for them to show they cared. If I'm honest my needing this outweighed my wanting. When I told each of them the response I needed to hear was that they were worried for me, upset for me and to be enfolded in their arms while they reaasured me everything was going to be okay. I needed to hear that they were going to be there for me. And I didn't. Mum quoted the popular myth all my symptoms are just the product of 'What it means to be a woman'. My sister L laughed and said 'At least you have a reason for being hairy, I'm just hairy' T said 'You've always been moody, cried a lot and suffered with permanent PMS' My husband, L, said 'My sister has it, you should talk to my mum' His mum, my mother-in-law J said...nothing at all.

At the time I was too caught up in it all to recognise my hurt for what it was - need. Does knowing that change anything? I don't know but it does raise the question that if I look closely and see a pattern forming - unmet needs and a desire for relationships to be something that their not - shouldn't I be the one to change? Wouldn't that be easier? Shouldn't I just stop searching for things that it is extremely unlikely I am going to find or get? Wouldn't the less painful option be to accept I can't change things? Surely if all the people I need things from aren't there for me in the way that I feel I need them, I should take a look at the one thing that is singular - me - and accept I am what needs to change? From all of these questions the main one to then ask would be how can I adapt myself and my needs to see that they are fulfilled? There must be something in that, surely?