So...its been a while since I was last here...blogging away, thinking out loud, musing to myself, trying to set my world straight etc
Somehow this feels like my first meeting with my therapist after we've both been away on holiday. I feel strangely awkward, uncomfortable, embarrassed, exposed and vulnerable. Like I'm unable to make eye contact.
But curbing my issues (for a while) so I can summarise...
I had a great holiday. It was fantastic to relax with L and to see him relaxing without his work head on. For 2 and a half weeks I got to see the old L; the one who let go of being organised, driven, preoccupied, controlling and exacting. The more he relaxed the taller he stood and more he smiled. Yes it is bitter sweet to know that I alone can't do that for him and that its spending time with his whole family - parents, sister and myself - that gives rise to this change but at least it happens and for that, regardless of who takes the credit, I'm thankful. My pity that it can't last far out weighs my desire to be the cause.
So much seems to have happened, to have changed while we were away yet when I try to list exactly what...its impossible to pin point precise details. Perhaps the changes are internal rather than external.
Truth be told we didn't really do much. We usually go on a little mini trip while we're there - San Francisco, San Diego... but this time we stayed around the house and just hung out. We lived in the moment and winged things, taking each day at a time.
Each day brought its own challenges and rewards like Ann's memorial service, meeting Olly the rescued puppy and new addition to the family, being hired as a editor for John and Barbara's book and being taken to Disney Land as a birthday surprise (be sure I'll blog about these separately).
New Year's Eve saw the whole family tucked up in bed and asleep by 22:30 undeniably laughable but I wouldn't change it for the world.
So, to summarise I've been gone a while and now I'm back, changed (outwardly and inwardly), with some trepidation and with a great deal of catching up to do in the blogging worlds that I follow.
Showing posts with label changes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label changes. Show all posts
Tuesday, 4 January 2011
Friday, 29 October 2010
Day 29 Something You Hope to Change About Yourself. And Why.
I hope to change the way I seem to store up hurt.
I find it incredibly difficult to let go of hurt and get over it, which means the healing process takes forever. And that is SO tiresome.
Apart from being tiresome it also gets in the way of everything...happiness, laughter, life in general.
So if I could change anything it would be to get over things quicker and get on with...stuff, like living and life.
Oh and I'd also like to be slimmer and taller. I know the question or day of truth was 'something you hope to change' meaning something that is possible but I just thought I'd throw that out there. And it is my blog so I can do what I want.
I find it incredibly difficult to let go of hurt and get over it, which means the healing process takes forever. And that is SO tiresome.
Apart from being tiresome it also gets in the way of everything...happiness, laughter, life in general.
So if I could change anything it would be to get over things quicker and get on with...stuff, like living and life.
Oh and I'd also like to be slimmer and taller. I know the question or day of truth was 'something you hope to change' meaning something that is possible but I just thought I'd throw that out there. And it is my blog so I can do what I want.
Thursday, 16 September 2010
Changes
I spoke to my sister T - in person on the phone - for the first time in months last night. I have to admit usually I avoid my sister at all cost and when I do have to spend time with her i.e. I can't get out of it it isn't something I look forward to. Every mile that we cover which brings us closer together fills me with dread and fear and toxic emotions that last for days. Even now, hours after our conversation, I am still thinking about it and chewing over her words. And although I am not crying (for once) and I laughed along with her I hid that what she said hurt.
While we chatted I told her I'd been diagnosed with PCOS. I'd been putting it off and putting it off, not just because I didn't know the right words but because speaking to her is never an enjoyable experience for me. T's response was to ask and this is a direct quote 'Are you that bothered? Do you want children?' Not the reaction I was looking for but in hindsight...not surprising.
In her eyes I'm not her little sister with a condition which influences her moods, has an impact on her fertility, and has other health implications, including mental. No, I am her moody sister who is a drama queen, cries too much and over the smallest of things and makes a bigger deal than is necessary out of everything. I've always been like that in her eyes so there is no cause for concern. She did however, at least 2 or 3 times say she was there for me if I wanted to talk...hhhmmm let me think about that...why would I want to open up and confide my inner most fears and feelings to a person who dismisses everything that I have to say and feel as being a drama queen? Oh that's right because this, according to mum, is how T shows that she loves me and apparently I should accept whatever form - insults and belittlements included - that she chooses to show me this.
T's advice? Well, aside from me remembering that she is always there for me if I need to talk, every day I should remember at least one thing that is a positive...sorry I can't type for crazy manic laughter. If I don't laugh I'll only cry and what's the point in that?
Telling my family I've been diagnosed with PCOS was a big deal for me. I wanted to be supported and comforted and reassured. I wanted them to be concerned enough to research it for themselves and I wanted them to be understanding. Really what I wanted most of all was for them to show they cared. If I'm honest my needing this outweighed my wanting. When I told each of them the response I needed to hear was that they were worried for me, upset for me and to be enfolded in their arms while they reaasured me everything was going to be okay. I needed to hear that they were going to be there for me. And I didn't. Mum quoted the popular myth all my symptoms are just the product of 'What it means to be a woman'. My sister L laughed and said 'At least you have a reason for being hairy, I'm just hairy' T said 'You've always been moody, cried a lot and suffered with permanent PMS' My husband, L, said 'My sister has it, you should talk to my mum' His mum, my mother-in-law J said...nothing at all.
At the time I was too caught up in it all to recognise my hurt for what it was - need. Does knowing that change anything? I don't know but it does raise the question that if I look closely and see a pattern forming - unmet needs and a desire for relationships to be something that their not - shouldn't I be the one to change? Wouldn't that be easier? Shouldn't I just stop searching for things that it is extremely unlikely I am going to find or get? Wouldn't the less painful option be to accept I can't change things? Surely if all the people I need things from aren't there for me in the way that I feel I need them, I should take a look at the one thing that is singular - me - and accept I am what needs to change? From all of these questions the main one to then ask would be how can I adapt myself and my needs to see that they are fulfilled? There must be something in that, surely?
While we chatted I told her I'd been diagnosed with PCOS. I'd been putting it off and putting it off, not just because I didn't know the right words but because speaking to her is never an enjoyable experience for me. T's response was to ask and this is a direct quote 'Are you that bothered? Do you want children?' Not the reaction I was looking for but in hindsight...not surprising.
In her eyes I'm not her little sister with a condition which influences her moods, has an impact on her fertility, and has other health implications, including mental. No, I am her moody sister who is a drama queen, cries too much and over the smallest of things and makes a bigger deal than is necessary out of everything. I've always been like that in her eyes so there is no cause for concern. She did however, at least 2 or 3 times say she was there for me if I wanted to talk...hhhmmm let me think about that...why would I want to open up and confide my inner most fears and feelings to a person who dismisses everything that I have to say and feel as being a drama queen? Oh that's right because this, according to mum, is how T shows that she loves me and apparently I should accept whatever form - insults and belittlements included - that she chooses to show me this.
T's advice? Well, aside from me remembering that she is always there for me if I need to talk, every day I should remember at least one thing that is a positive...sorry I can't type for crazy manic laughter. If I don't laugh I'll only cry and what's the point in that?
Telling my family I've been diagnosed with PCOS was a big deal for me. I wanted to be supported and comforted and reassured. I wanted them to be concerned enough to research it for themselves and I wanted them to be understanding. Really what I wanted most of all was for them to show they cared. If I'm honest my needing this outweighed my wanting. When I told each of them the response I needed to hear was that they were worried for me, upset for me and to be enfolded in their arms while they reaasured me everything was going to be okay. I needed to hear that they were going to be there for me. And I didn't. Mum quoted the popular myth all my symptoms are just the product of 'What it means to be a woman'. My sister L laughed and said 'At least you have a reason for being hairy, I'm just hairy' T said 'You've always been moody, cried a lot and suffered with permanent PMS' My husband, L, said 'My sister has it, you should talk to my mum' His mum, my mother-in-law J said...nothing at all.
At the time I was too caught up in it all to recognise my hurt for what it was - need. Does knowing that change anything? I don't know but it does raise the question that if I look closely and see a pattern forming - unmet needs and a desire for relationships to be something that their not - shouldn't I be the one to change? Wouldn't that be easier? Shouldn't I just stop searching for things that it is extremely unlikely I am going to find or get? Wouldn't the less painful option be to accept I can't change things? Surely if all the people I need things from aren't there for me in the way that I feel I need them, I should take a look at the one thing that is singular - me - and accept I am what needs to change? From all of these questions the main one to then ask would be how can I adapt myself and my needs to see that they are fulfilled? There must be something in that, surely?
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