L and I no longer celebrate New Years Eve, the abridged reason is I can't be bothered and L just wants spring to arrive. He would rather we went straight to summer but he acknowledges there is a natural order to these things.
Every year as New Year's Eve approaches I start thinking about all the things I am resolved to do - chiefly what I want to achieve and this year was no different. My birthday, on the 29th, was hardly over before I was looking to the new year and creating a 'to do' list: 1) get a teaching job, 2) regularly earn money, 3) lose 10 lbs, 4) stop stressing so much, 5) stop living so much 'in my head', 6) stop being sensitive, 7) stop comparing myself and my achievements to others, 8) stop doubting myself, 9) stop letting fear govern me....I couldn't stop thinking and listing.
Was it any wonder I felt stressed?...Not really. I'd like to say I then resolved NOT to have any New Year's resolutions, to just let go and see what the year was going to bring me but I didn't.
A new year represents both everything and nothing, everything because EVERYTHING is possible and nothing because NOTHING is yet known: it has yet to be experienced.
Showing posts with label new year. Show all posts
Showing posts with label new year. Show all posts
Sunday, 5 January 2014
Tuesday, 4 January 2011
To Summarise...
So...its been a while since I was last here...blogging away, thinking out loud, musing to myself, trying to set my world straight etc
Somehow this feels like my first meeting with my therapist after we've both been away on holiday. I feel strangely awkward, uncomfortable, embarrassed, exposed and vulnerable. Like I'm unable to make eye contact.
But curbing my issues (for a while) so I can summarise...
I had a great holiday. It was fantastic to relax with L and to see him relaxing without his work head on. For 2 and a half weeks I got to see the old L; the one who let go of being organised, driven, preoccupied, controlling and exacting. The more he relaxed the taller he stood and more he smiled. Yes it is bitter sweet to know that I alone can't do that for him and that its spending time with his whole family - parents, sister and myself - that gives rise to this change but at least it happens and for that, regardless of who takes the credit, I'm thankful. My pity that it can't last far out weighs my desire to be the cause.
So much seems to have happened, to have changed while we were away yet when I try to list exactly what...its impossible to pin point precise details. Perhaps the changes are internal rather than external.
Truth be told we didn't really do much. We usually go on a little mini trip while we're there - San Francisco, San Diego... but this time we stayed around the house and just hung out. We lived in the moment and winged things, taking each day at a time.
Each day brought its own challenges and rewards like Ann's memorial service, meeting Olly the rescued puppy and new addition to the family, being hired as a editor for John and Barbara's book and being taken to Disney Land as a birthday surprise (be sure I'll blog about these separately).
New Year's Eve saw the whole family tucked up in bed and asleep by 22:30 undeniably laughable but I wouldn't change it for the world.
So, to summarise I've been gone a while and now I'm back, changed (outwardly and inwardly), with some trepidation and with a great deal of catching up to do in the blogging worlds that I follow.
Somehow this feels like my first meeting with my therapist after we've both been away on holiday. I feel strangely awkward, uncomfortable, embarrassed, exposed and vulnerable. Like I'm unable to make eye contact.
But curbing my issues (for a while) so I can summarise...
I had a great holiday. It was fantastic to relax with L and to see him relaxing without his work head on. For 2 and a half weeks I got to see the old L; the one who let go of being organised, driven, preoccupied, controlling and exacting. The more he relaxed the taller he stood and more he smiled. Yes it is bitter sweet to know that I alone can't do that for him and that its spending time with his whole family - parents, sister and myself - that gives rise to this change but at least it happens and for that, regardless of who takes the credit, I'm thankful. My pity that it can't last far out weighs my desire to be the cause.
So much seems to have happened, to have changed while we were away yet when I try to list exactly what...its impossible to pin point precise details. Perhaps the changes are internal rather than external.
Truth be told we didn't really do much. We usually go on a little mini trip while we're there - San Francisco, San Diego... but this time we stayed around the house and just hung out. We lived in the moment and winged things, taking each day at a time.
Each day brought its own challenges and rewards like Ann's memorial service, meeting Olly the rescued puppy and new addition to the family, being hired as a editor for John and Barbara's book and being taken to Disney Land as a birthday surprise (be sure I'll blog about these separately).
New Year's Eve saw the whole family tucked up in bed and asleep by 22:30 undeniably laughable but I wouldn't change it for the world.
So, to summarise I've been gone a while and now I'm back, changed (outwardly and inwardly), with some trepidation and with a great deal of catching up to do in the blogging worlds that I follow.
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