I found myself at yet another Military Wife Organised...Thingy at the weekend.
We've all been to these kind of things before, the Vie parties, the Ann Summer parties, the Scented Candles parties, the Organic Cosmetics parties etc...years ago they used to be Tupa Ware parties, or some such excuse for women to get together and have a few drinks. I guess it was our mothers' chance to have us kids tucked up in bed and to be able to enjoy a little 'me time' including adult conversation without having to pay for a babysitter or taxis.
Any way, the evening was fine. The other ladies were fine. The products being sold were interesting (and expensive as organic essential oil based cosmetics are) and I bought a little something to the tune of nearly £20 - am actually a little excited about trying it out!
But, and perhaps its odd but I spent the whole time I was there wishing I was somewhere else i.e. home. I made polite small talk with the other women, listened attentively and responded in the right manner. I even answered their questions and asked a few of my own....and still I wanted to be anywhere other than there.
I've never enjoyed making or being on the end of small talk. I've never liked attending social gatherings in which I'm in a room full of unknown people, unless its a talk or lecture or something related to a topic I'm interested in.
I find these gatherings so... false for want of a better word and I often feel uncomfortable and false myself. I feel like I am pretending to be someone else, pretending to be interested in other people and their lives rather than a person making conversation out of genuine interest.
That isn't to say that I'm not a social person, just a bit of a recluse who likes her own company. Now I sound like a egotist who thinks that everyone else on this earth is uninteresting compared to herself...and that isn't the case.
I'm the type of person who singles out the shyest person in the room and sits next to them to make conversation.
I'm the type of person who enters a room full people - like the other day when I attended the GTP meeting - takes a seat on a table by myself and smiles at everyone as they come in the room.
I'm the kind of person who will give up my seat on a bus or a train for someone else.
I'm the kind of person who will help another passenger with their luggage off a bus or coach or train or something.
I'm the kind of person who will pick up a child who has fallen over and reassure them before I take them to find their mummy.
I'm the kind of person who thinks twice before saying the angry hurtful words that are in my head and seconds from my lips.
I'm the kind of person who gives everyone the benefit of the doubt and a chance.
Its true that I don't have many friends, in terms of close friends I really only have T and K, but I am rich in the quality of these friendships.
And I am lucky enough to believe that if I have them and L?...Then I have everything I'll ever need.
Tuesday, 14 June 2011
Friday, 10 June 2011
My Story
Feeling all fired up and excited as I was the other day I thought I'd give writing my novel a go...
It was a disaster!
I forget to include KEY plot lines, I missed out setting up links for later chapters and characters, and the dialogue was stilted at best.
I wrote nearly 4 pages - 2,872 words to be precise - of crap. Readable crap. But still crap.
I guess I should have listened to my instincts that the time wasn't quite right for starting because I'm going to need to scrap the lot. Its not that none of it can be used...I mean its not that bad but it shouldn't be used. I guess its more a case of experience having taught me when the writing and the flow doesn't feel right, doesn't feel it should feel...it is better to start from scratch.
I'm not too bothered about having to delete it all and start over because I'm a bit of a perfectionist and I'd rather have everything right; the feeling, the flow, the rush of telling than trying to tweek or use elements of readable crap.
Trust me there is a method to my madness even if my ability to explain myself accurately is less that it ought to be.
It was a disaster!
I forget to include KEY plot lines, I missed out setting up links for later chapters and characters, and the dialogue was stilted at best.
I wrote nearly 4 pages - 2,872 words to be precise - of crap. Readable crap. But still crap.
I guess I should have listened to my instincts that the time wasn't quite right for starting because I'm going to need to scrap the lot. Its not that none of it can be used...I mean its not that bad but it shouldn't be used. I guess its more a case of experience having taught me when the writing and the flow doesn't feel right, doesn't feel it should feel...it is better to start from scratch.
I'm not too bothered about having to delete it all and start over because I'm a bit of a perfectionist and I'd rather have everything right; the feeling, the flow, the rush of telling than trying to tweek or use elements of readable crap.
Trust me there is a method to my madness even if my ability to explain myself accurately is less that it ought to be.
Wednesday, 8 June 2011
Sunshine, showers and Siren Voiced Muses
Its a sunshine and showers day today.
The sky is a moody purple-grey hinting at a whisper of a chance of some thunder and lightning. Its all very exciting. I am smiling with excitement.
Its what I refer to as a perfect day.
A perfect day in which nature is inspiring and my imagination should be having a field day of creativity... I should be writing my novel but instead I'm preparing myself for when I start.
I can taste change in the air. Something big and important and exciting and is about to sweep me off my feet and whirl me away on the winds of a gripping journey. I can hear my muse calling to me in a hushed siren voice, drawing me closer and making me ready for something amazing.
I'm getting myself over this latest cold and I'm storing up my reserves to be consumed by writing because once I start there will be no interuptions and no stopping me until it is done.
My fingers aren't quite twitching or itching but they are flexing themselves, readying themselves for letter imprinted callouses and faded keys.
The sky is a moody purple-grey hinting at a whisper of a chance of some thunder and lightning. Its all very exciting. I am smiling with excitement.
Its what I refer to as a perfect day.
A perfect day in which nature is inspiring and my imagination should be having a field day of creativity... I should be writing my novel but instead I'm preparing myself for when I start.
I can taste change in the air. Something big and important and exciting and is about to sweep me off my feet and whirl me away on the winds of a gripping journey. I can hear my muse calling to me in a hushed siren voice, drawing me closer and making me ready for something amazing.
I'm getting myself over this latest cold and I'm storing up my reserves to be consumed by writing because once I start there will be no interuptions and no stopping me until it is done.
My fingers aren't quite twitching or itching but they are flexing themselves, readying themselves for letter imprinted callouses and faded keys.
Wednesday Wonderings
I have a cold so I'm not sure how...logical these wonderings are going to be.
Why I didn't know Vin Diesel is in Saving Private Ryan? Knowing that isn't going to make me rush out to watch it again but I am surprised. If you think about all the films he's stared in Chronicles of Riddick, Tooth Fairy and all The Fast and the Furious films its hardly then a logical leap to Saving Private Ryan is it?
How I'm going to drop 10+ lbs bearing in mind my current exercise regime consists of only 'good intentions'?
If anyone else hates obviously visible bra straps on tops clearly meant to be worn with a strapless one?
If anyone else hates seeing young girls - or women for that matter - showing their thongs and I don't mean the flip flop variety?
If I'll be able to summon the courage to look for a dance class near me and sign up? Remember people I have loads of enthusiasm but zero co-ordination and balance.....
What nightmare I was having last week Thursday that woke L and made him think it was a good idea to wake me? I do NOT like to be woken, I prefer to wake naturally but if I am woken up and its not of my own accord I often turn into a hissing and spitting and snarling alley cat. I can only conclude that it must have been a really horrible one for L to wake me and run the risk of me turning into said alley cat.
Just HOW many times I Have to ask L to rinse the bath out after him before he remembers?
How many times I have to tell L which way up the cutlery goes in the dishwasher before he remembers that too?
What a good and restful night sleep feels like? Its been so long I really couldn't tell you.
What a girl has to do to get a good night sleep?
What to have for dinner this evening?
Why the woman serving me in the bank was surprised my present signature doesn't match the one I had when I was about 15, give or take about 5 years? Err because I'm NOT 15 and therefore am now actually old enough to have a signature. If I had to guess.
What has happened to the Sun? Its not just the cold I have making me feel cold, it is actually cold enough for me to contemplate a blanket if not putting the heating back on.
If I had or was granted one wish, what I would wish for?
Why people buy period properties and then proceed to modernise them by ripping out all the period features? Why not just buy a new build and save our heritage and themselves the time, effort and money of all that work to boot?
Why people have to 'fix' things that aren't broken?
Why people, mothers with prams in particular, are incapable of waiting for traffic lights to change to cross the road? Apparently pushing their child out in a pram in front of on coming traffic and holding up the traffic is a much more common sense options that walking the less than 5 metres to the lights and waiting all of about 3 minutes for them to change and it to be safe to cross.
Why I thought it would be a good idea to agree to look after a friend's dog for two weeks? I REALLY want to have a dog, but we move around so much I know it isn't practical.........I think a broken hearted Tasha will be moping about the place after we give her back.
Why does L let me or even put me forward to look after other people's dogs knowing I will turn into a sulking 5 year old for about a week after?
I wonder if there is a direct link between L's inability to be sympathetic when I am sick and him never being sick? Think I might be on to something there.
What I can do to make myself feel better and well for my meeting with the head teacher tomorrow at 9.30 tomorrow?
Why I didn't know Vin Diesel is in Saving Private Ryan? Knowing that isn't going to make me rush out to watch it again but I am surprised. If you think about all the films he's stared in Chronicles of Riddick, Tooth Fairy and all The Fast and the Furious films its hardly then a logical leap to Saving Private Ryan is it?
How I'm going to drop 10+ lbs bearing in mind my current exercise regime consists of only 'good intentions'?
If anyone else hates obviously visible bra straps on tops clearly meant to be worn with a strapless one?
If anyone else hates seeing young girls - or women for that matter - showing their thongs and I don't mean the flip flop variety?
If I'll be able to summon the courage to look for a dance class near me and sign up? Remember people I have loads of enthusiasm but zero co-ordination and balance.....
What nightmare I was having last week Thursday that woke L and made him think it was a good idea to wake me? I do NOT like to be woken, I prefer to wake naturally but if I am woken up and its not of my own accord I often turn into a hissing and spitting and snarling alley cat. I can only conclude that it must have been a really horrible one for L to wake me and run the risk of me turning into said alley cat.
Just HOW many times I Have to ask L to rinse the bath out after him before he remembers?
How many times I have to tell L which way up the cutlery goes in the dishwasher before he remembers that too?
What a good and restful night sleep feels like? Its been so long I really couldn't tell you.
What a girl has to do to get a good night sleep?
What to have for dinner this evening?
Why the woman serving me in the bank was surprised my present signature doesn't match the one I had when I was about 15, give or take about 5 years? Err because I'm NOT 15 and therefore am now actually old enough to have a signature. If I had to guess.
What has happened to the Sun? Its not just the cold I have making me feel cold, it is actually cold enough for me to contemplate a blanket if not putting the heating back on.
If I had or was granted one wish, what I would wish for?
Why people buy period properties and then proceed to modernise them by ripping out all the period features? Why not just buy a new build and save our heritage and themselves the time, effort and money of all that work to boot?
Why people have to 'fix' things that aren't broken?
Why people, mothers with prams in particular, are incapable of waiting for traffic lights to change to cross the road? Apparently pushing their child out in a pram in front of on coming traffic and holding up the traffic is a much more common sense options that walking the less than 5 metres to the lights and waiting all of about 3 minutes for them to change and it to be safe to cross.
Why I thought it would be a good idea to agree to look after a friend's dog for two weeks? I REALLY want to have a dog, but we move around so much I know it isn't practical.........I think a broken hearted Tasha will be moping about the place after we give her back.
Why does L let me or even put me forward to look after other people's dogs knowing I will turn into a sulking 5 year old for about a week after?
I wonder if there is a direct link between L's inability to be sympathetic when I am sick and him never being sick? Think I might be on to something there.
What I can do to make myself feel better and well for my meeting with the head teacher tomorrow at 9.30 tomorrow?
Tuesday, 7 June 2011
Dear Letters
Dear Cold,
Bugger off! Thanks.
A Not So Happy Tasha
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear L,
Please stop giving me a hard time and just be supportive. Thanks.
A Tired Tasha
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear MHS,
Please can you FIX the cistern to our downstairs toilet rather than bodging it and scarpering. Thanks
A Fed Up of Moping up Water Tasha
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear K,
Why did you guys move? Am lonely here without out and I miss you - hope the new house is coming along. Love you.
A Lonely Tasha who misses her friend
------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Fly That's Been in my House for Two Days,
As much I enjoy chasing you around the house, the front room in particular, I would just like to point out that outside of the windows I so thoughtfully opened for you there is a WHOLE world of BIG spaces for you to fly around. You really would like flying out there better trust me, so if you could just leave, that would be great.
A Even More Tired Tasha
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Speaker at the GTP Open Evening,
I know you're busy and stressed and you have a lot on your plate but this won't take long. I'd just like to point out one small thing - what you mistook for my arrogance yesterday in mentioning a Masters was actually fear. My question, poorly phrased on my part, was me looking for reassurance that the assessed work (of Masters level) wouldn't be too demanding and yes if you have experience of completing assessments/assignments at that level you will find it an advantage. I really wasn't trying to ascertain whether having a Masters would make me likely to be accepted as a successful candidate.
Thanks for you time.
A Slightly Embarrassed and Red Faced Tasha
----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Head Teacher of the School I Will be Meeting With,
I just want to thank you so much for taking time out of your busy day to speak with me regarding volunteering at your school. You have no idea how much putting that date and time in my diary made me smile, so again, thank you.
A Incredibly Thankful and Just a Tad Excited Tasha;-)
----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Kettle,
I am feeling a little under the weather today (I have a cold, yes I know another one! I'm surprised too). Any way I was wondering if there was any chance that you would be able to boil yourself and convince a cup, a teabag and some milk to work together to make me a cup of tea? I'll leave that one with you, but if you decide you are happy to oblige just let me know but starting to boil by yourself.
Yours a Achy Head, Tight Chest and Sneezing Tasha
Bugger off! Thanks.
A Not So Happy Tasha
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear L,
Please stop giving me a hard time and just be supportive. Thanks.
A Tired Tasha
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear MHS,
Please can you FIX the cistern to our downstairs toilet rather than bodging it and scarpering. Thanks
A Fed Up of Moping up Water Tasha
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear K,
Why did you guys move? Am lonely here without out and I miss you - hope the new house is coming along. Love you.
A Lonely Tasha who misses her friend
------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Fly That's Been in my House for Two Days,
As much I enjoy chasing you around the house, the front room in particular, I would just like to point out that outside of the windows I so thoughtfully opened for you there is a WHOLE world of BIG spaces for you to fly around. You really would like flying out there better trust me, so if you could just leave, that would be great.
A Even More Tired Tasha
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Speaker at the GTP Open Evening,
I know you're busy and stressed and you have a lot on your plate but this won't take long. I'd just like to point out one small thing - what you mistook for my arrogance yesterday in mentioning a Masters was actually fear. My question, poorly phrased on my part, was me looking for reassurance that the assessed work (of Masters level) wouldn't be too demanding and yes if you have experience of completing assessments/assignments at that level you will find it an advantage. I really wasn't trying to ascertain whether having a Masters would make me likely to be accepted as a successful candidate.
Thanks for you time.
A Slightly Embarrassed and Red Faced Tasha
----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Head Teacher of the School I Will be Meeting With,
I just want to thank you so much for taking time out of your busy day to speak with me regarding volunteering at your school. You have no idea how much putting that date and time in my diary made me smile, so again, thank you.
A Incredibly Thankful and Just a Tad Excited Tasha;-)
----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Kettle,
I am feeling a little under the weather today (I have a cold, yes I know another one! I'm surprised too). Any way I was wondering if there was any chance that you would be able to boil yourself and convince a cup, a teabag and some milk to work together to make me a cup of tea? I'll leave that one with you, but if you decide you are happy to oblige just let me know but starting to boil by yourself.
Yours a Achy Head, Tight Chest and Sneezing Tasha
Friday, 3 June 2011
The Hardest Thing in the World
Break ups are never easy no matter how amicable they are.
It doesn't matter whether the other person treated you like dirt or a princess, hung on your every word or ignored you totally. lavished you with gifts or forgot every one your significant days, repeatedly stood you up or arrived early - ending a relationship hurts.
There is always a part of yourself that blames the break up on yourself; you weren't smart enough, you weren't pretty enough, you weren't slim enough, you weren't fun enough, they didn't love you enough, you didn't love them enough, you weren't in the same place or wanted the same things...
Sadly, being deficient in something is the BIG thing though whichever way you look at it.
Walking away from someone that you've loved - still love more often than not - no matter how much you know its for the best, is a hard thing to do. Possibly the hardest thing to do in the world.
It doesn't matter whether the other person treated you like dirt or a princess, hung on your every word or ignored you totally. lavished you with gifts or forgot every one your significant days, repeatedly stood you up or arrived early - ending a relationship hurts.
There is always a part of yourself that blames the break up on yourself; you weren't smart enough, you weren't pretty enough, you weren't slim enough, you weren't fun enough, they didn't love you enough, you didn't love them enough, you weren't in the same place or wanted the same things...
Sadly, being deficient in something is the BIG thing though whichever way you look at it.
Walking away from someone that you've loved - still love more often than not - no matter how much you know its for the best, is a hard thing to do. Possibly the hardest thing to do in the world.
Wednesday, 1 June 2011
Wednesday Wonderings
Its been one of those weeks where I have had SO many ups and downs! 7 Days full of laughter and tears... A normal week then for me, I suppose...
Any way here's what I've been mulling over in my head lately;
If its too soon to be hopeful about a school returning one of my ten calls to them about volunteering?
Why people thinks its encouraging to tell you things like 'What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger' when you're going through a tough time? How is that comforting, or encouraging, or supportive? And more to the point, what does it mean??? Surely if they mean 'You'll get through this' it would be much more apt and comforting and direct to say just that.
If I really was hungry enough this morning to eat 3 slices of toast and gubor? Probably not. I do feel a tad sick.
Why I care so much about what other people, the people who aren't friends or important to me, think about me?
Why I manage to keep to a high impact and strict exercise regime when I'm on holiday in LA but at home, my good intentions never materialise?
Why L had to pick a fight with me right before I had a group of 'friends' coming round for lunch?
How do you know when to trust your instincts and when they are...off?
Why I've suddenly had this mass outbreak of spots on my cheeks? PCOS induced or.....?
Why the change from Summer to Autumn always makes me so restless? Things stir inside and I am full of eager anticipation of what might be just around the corner waiting for me. Its like a awakening, only its not Spring.
How I managed to strain/sprain my right wrist? We all know it wasn't through exercise. Probably slept on it funny.
How I managed to eat a whole box of cherries and strawberries to myself on Saturday? Oh well at least no one can say I'm not getting my 5 a day.
How I managed to stay so calm when L casually mentioned emailing an Australian company about job prospects? Does he NOT remember that I am NOT GOOD with CHANGE??
Why I always think the worst of MYSELF?
If I'll be able to keep the promise to listen to my own instincts and the voice within me?
Why I always seem to feel hungry at 3pm?
What is a good 3pm snack? (obviously NOT the bar of galaxy chocolate that I've just scoffed)
Why I find it so hard to promise people I'll always be there for them?
Why L can't seem to manage to rinse the bath out after himself?
If anyone saw me fall into the bush I was attempting to trim? I was leaning against it hacking with the shears when it gave way and I ended up waist deep, legs sticking out stuck. For a moment I thought I was going to have to call a friend to pull me out.
Why the above kind of thing seems to happen to me on a regular basis? (I won't mention that I managed to pull a Dyson hoover down two stairs and on to my head. For anyone who is wondering...yes it does hurt.)
Any way here's what I've been mulling over in my head lately;
If its too soon to be hopeful about a school returning one of my ten calls to them about volunteering?
Why people thinks its encouraging to tell you things like 'What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger' when you're going through a tough time? How is that comforting, or encouraging, or supportive? And more to the point, what does it mean??? Surely if they mean 'You'll get through this' it would be much more apt and comforting and direct to say just that.
If I really was hungry enough this morning to eat 3 slices of toast and gubor? Probably not. I do feel a tad sick.
Why I care so much about what other people, the people who aren't friends or important to me, think about me?
Why I manage to keep to a high impact and strict exercise regime when I'm on holiday in LA but at home, my good intentions never materialise?
Why L had to pick a fight with me right before I had a group of 'friends' coming round for lunch?
How do you know when to trust your instincts and when they are...off?
Why I've suddenly had this mass outbreak of spots on my cheeks? PCOS induced or.....?
Why the change from Summer to Autumn always makes me so restless? Things stir inside and I am full of eager anticipation of what might be just around the corner waiting for me. Its like a awakening, only its not Spring.
How I managed to strain/sprain my right wrist? We all know it wasn't through exercise. Probably slept on it funny.
How I managed to eat a whole box of cherries and strawberries to myself on Saturday? Oh well at least no one can say I'm not getting my 5 a day.
How I managed to stay so calm when L casually mentioned emailing an Australian company about job prospects? Does he NOT remember that I am NOT GOOD with CHANGE??
Why I always think the worst of MYSELF?
If I'll be able to keep the promise to listen to my own instincts and the voice within me?
Why I always seem to feel hungry at 3pm?
What is a good 3pm snack? (obviously NOT the bar of galaxy chocolate that I've just scoffed)
Why I find it so hard to promise people I'll always be there for them?
Why L can't seem to manage to rinse the bath out after himself?
If anyone saw me fall into the bush I was attempting to trim? I was leaning against it hacking with the shears when it gave way and I ended up waist deep, legs sticking out stuck. For a moment I thought I was going to have to call a friend to pull me out.
Why the above kind of thing seems to happen to me on a regular basis? (I won't mention that I managed to pull a Dyson hoover down two stairs and on to my head. For anyone who is wondering...yes it does hurt.)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)