The last six months have been a whirlwind for me: moving house, finding work, negotiating cliques, making friends, sussing people out and keeping one eye on my marriage. And I didn't think I could multitask!
What struck me this morning, while I sat in my pjs avoiding housework and planning for next week, was the amount of censorship I have, we have, in an age of freedom of speech. Just how free are we to air our opinions and feelings? If I think about it...not really. Or if we are, we have to be very selective as to where, when and to whom we allow ourselves the space to process life's events.
Technological advances have provided us with a host of ways to communicate with each other, time and distance is no longer the great divider it once was. However, it comes at a price. Today more than ever we're restricted in ways it's hard to fathom and untangle, we're not afforded the opportunity to say things in the heat of the moment because we could be sued. This happens more often than we'd like to acknowledge because despite the technological advances in communication, we don't like to hear the truth especially if it's unflattering. Feelings and anger and frustration must be suppressed until the right forum has been found, studied, vetted and ruled as 'safe'. Or paid for in the medium of a therapist.
So when faced with things I'd like to vent and process, work related things, I wonder where, when and to whom I can gain the help I need to process these things. I will do my usual and take my issues to the gym, the punch bag in particular, but will that be enough? Will pounding the bag be sufficient to unleash my frustration, anger, disappointment, resentment, disgust and confusion and also provide enough serenity to get me through to half term?
The jury is still out on that one, so I'll let you know.
Thursday, 24 April 2014
Wednesday, 26 February 2014
Wednesday Wonderings
I'm fairly certain I haven't yet posted one of these post this year, so in light of this oversight here you go...
I've been contemplating, on my drives to work, what the Queen keeps in her handbag? A very interesting and worthwhile question to ponder if you consider she surely doesn't need money, so she won't carry a purse and I think she would think chewing gum is vulgar. Perhaps a packet of tissues, no a handkerchief surely!
Is there a link between hormones and bad driving? I'm not referring to road rage but rather my inability to think 'sensibly' and not park like an idiot? Probably.
Why am I avoiding writing my personal statement? Or, what is it about writing a personal statement which terrifies me and therefore allows me to stall doing it thus leaving me in the position of not being able to apply for jobs?
When will be grown up enough to realise I can't go through life avoiding the things I'm scared of, or the things I dislike and the things that I find hard?
Where am I going to find the energy for circuit training this evening? Probably not in the peanut butter on toast I just scoffed. Meh. At least it wasn't the jar of Nutella with a spoon.
Will this year get better for me in terms of my health? In the last month alone I've torn my calf muscle and rolled from a throat infection to the flu.
Would it be entirely frowned upon to spray children with some kind of disinfectant spray as they enter the classroom? Or, for that matter, to ask for my own decontamination unit?
Am I right to be concerned that with all the modern technology children have access to there is going to be a move away from handwriting and therefore a decline in penmanship?
What should I make of the fact that 2 people have now commented 'Hannah' in Girls and I share many similarities and characteristics?
I've been contemplating, on my drives to work, what the Queen keeps in her handbag? A very interesting and worthwhile question to ponder if you consider she surely doesn't need money, so she won't carry a purse and I think she would think chewing gum is vulgar. Perhaps a packet of tissues, no a handkerchief surely!
Is there a link between hormones and bad driving? I'm not referring to road rage but rather my inability to think 'sensibly' and not park like an idiot? Probably.
Why am I avoiding writing my personal statement? Or, what is it about writing a personal statement which terrifies me and therefore allows me to stall doing it thus leaving me in the position of not being able to apply for jobs?
When will be grown up enough to realise I can't go through life avoiding the things I'm scared of, or the things I dislike and the things that I find hard?
Where am I going to find the energy for circuit training this evening? Probably not in the peanut butter on toast I just scoffed. Meh. At least it wasn't the jar of Nutella with a spoon.
Will this year get better for me in terms of my health? In the last month alone I've torn my calf muscle and rolled from a throat infection to the flu.
Would it be entirely frowned upon to spray children with some kind of disinfectant spray as they enter the classroom? Or, for that matter, to ask for my own decontamination unit?
Am I right to be concerned that with all the modern technology children have access to there is going to be a move away from handwriting and therefore a decline in penmanship?
What should I make of the fact that 2 people have now commented 'Hannah' in Girls and I share many similarities and characteristics?
Thursday, 6 February 2014
One of Those Days...?
If my throat wasn't so sore and I had the energy I'd scream, a real AAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHH!
From frustration, anger and disappointment.
I've had a few intense days - I worked a couple of days in a nursery setting and feel like somewhere along the line I've been well and truly stitched by someone I.e either the school or the agency: I did and am doing the work of a teacher but am getting paid the wage of a teaching assistant?! So I'm stewing about it because it's not on but I hate conflict, so....I don't know what to do about it....
AND whilst I'm stewing about that I'm sick:( As in feeling like I've been kicked by a horse, shivering and with a sore throat, thus I turned down a days work at full pay and not the pittance they're giving for the nursery work. *sigh and note to self to buy industrial size/strength sanitiser*
Then I made the fatal error of looking to a man for comfort and support....
From frustration, anger and disappointment.
I've had a few intense days - I worked a couple of days in a nursery setting and feel like somewhere along the line I've been well and truly stitched by someone I.e either the school or the agency: I did and am doing the work of a teacher but am getting paid the wage of a teaching assistant?! So I'm stewing about it because it's not on but I hate conflict, so....I don't know what to do about it....
AND whilst I'm stewing about that I'm sick:( As in feeling like I've been kicked by a horse, shivering and with a sore throat, thus I turned down a days work at full pay and not the pittance they're giving for the nursery work. *sigh and note to self to buy industrial size/strength sanitiser*
Then I made the fatal error of looking to a man for comfort and support....
Saturday, 1 February 2014
"I'm sandwiches and I love you"
Tuesday was my very first day as a supply teacher as a NQT and ....I survived! So I'm chalking that up as a triumph. I loved it: the school was great, the support staff were incredibly supportive, the rest if the staff unbelievably welcoming and the children immensely affectionate - I had 2 marriage demands. I had no real info about the children in terms of EAL, Sen, ability, class number, behaviour issues or timetable etc as such going in so it was very much a wing it in a sink or swim situation.
Not only that but I also drove by myself (how grown up), got myself - and the car - there (and back) in one piece with a torn calf muscle, did I not mention that?...Yes that happened Sunday as I did a spinning punch to a punchbag at the gym. BUT all in all another triumph.
Driving might be a small inconsequential thing to most because it's just driving a car and anyone can do that (with or without a license). Not to me it isn't. I'm terrified when I drive, hyper aware of everything - the tightness of my chest, the dryness of my throat, my Elvis leg shaking on the accelerator, the speed I'm travelling at, the drivers behind me I believe I'm holding up, my road position, my sweating yet cold hands, the drivers going passed me, the drivers joining the motorway..Ugh!
Flash forward to Saturday - now - and I must say this has definitely been a trial of a week in which I have been triumphant.
It's amazing how when taking the register and hearing "I'm sandwiches and I love you" or having a small child hug you can ease even the most anxious and nervous of NQT supply teachers.
Not only that but I also drove by myself (how grown up), got myself - and the car - there (and back) in one piece with a torn calf muscle, did I not mention that?...Yes that happened Sunday as I did a spinning punch to a punchbag at the gym. BUT all in all another triumph.
Driving might be a small inconsequential thing to most because it's just driving a car and anyone can do that (with or without a license). Not to me it isn't. I'm terrified when I drive, hyper aware of everything - the tightness of my chest, the dryness of my throat, my Elvis leg shaking on the accelerator, the speed I'm travelling at, the drivers behind me I believe I'm holding up, my road position, my sweating yet cold hands, the drivers going passed me, the drivers joining the motorway..Ugh!
Flash forward to Saturday - now - and I must say this has definitely been a trial of a week in which I have been triumphant.
It's amazing how when taking the register and hearing "I'm sandwiches and I love you" or having a small child hug you can ease even the most anxious and nervous of NQT supply teachers.
Friday, 10 January 2014
Rabbit Holes
I'm a curious person and I have an inquisitive mind...it's a blessing and a curse - think adult version of the child who always asks "why?". I haven't been posting my usual Wednesday Wonderings but that doesn't mean I haven't been falling down the odd rabbit hole and getting lost in a world of thought, I have, it's just been more internalised.
On the subject of thought, I just listened to Lady Antebellum I Need You Now and I love it! I don't know why this happens but certain songs 'speak' to me, they create a reaction in me that goes beyond goose bumps to lost for words and lost in another world. It is hard to verbalise what I mean by this without some of the magic I experience being lost in the mundaneness of verbal communication. To try though, at times songs transport me into scenes and create images in my imagination, all it takes is first few bars and I'm tumbling down a rabbit hole into another world suspended between reality and ...I've no idea where to be honest.
To paint you a picture, when I was at university studying for my Bachelors I was also studying for a GCSE in Maths, every week I went to see a private tutor in Richmond. The walk took me over Richmond Bridge and up the hill, I always paused at the top and looked out over Richmond Park, just the sight of it shrouded in a mist on a fresh Autumn morning was enough to suspend all reality for me. But I'd take it one step further and play P.O.D Alive on my mini disc player...and as if by magic I was riding a dragon through the morning mist, swirling and diving while I took part in some epic battle. It was beyond words, I'd tingle all over, my cheeks would flush - as much from the cold as from escaping reality - and time stopped while I inhabited a Labrinthesque bubble.
Lady Antebellum I Need You Now is no different, when I listen to it I'm thinking of a particular scene featuring the main character in the story I'm writing. The scene is only half formed in my head, like I'm seeing it through some kind of veil and so the precise details are obscured but the feelings are all there. I think if I listen to the song enough what I'm imagining will coalesce sufficiently for me to be the conduit to the page, until I manage that I'm going to be wandering around the place never really being completely in the room.
I wonder if the creative process is like this for others - like being a psychic but for books and scenes? When parts to a story come to me they're never in a linear sequence, chapter one of book one is rarely followed by chapter two of book one.
So, reader, what's your creative process like?
On the subject of thought, I just listened to Lady Antebellum I Need You Now and I love it! I don't know why this happens but certain songs 'speak' to me, they create a reaction in me that goes beyond goose bumps to lost for words and lost in another world. It is hard to verbalise what I mean by this without some of the magic I experience being lost in the mundaneness of verbal communication. To try though, at times songs transport me into scenes and create images in my imagination, all it takes is first few bars and I'm tumbling down a rabbit hole into another world suspended between reality and ...I've no idea where to be honest.
To paint you a picture, when I was at university studying for my Bachelors I was also studying for a GCSE in Maths, every week I went to see a private tutor in Richmond. The walk took me over Richmond Bridge and up the hill, I always paused at the top and looked out over Richmond Park, just the sight of it shrouded in a mist on a fresh Autumn morning was enough to suspend all reality for me. But I'd take it one step further and play P.O.D Alive on my mini disc player...and as if by magic I was riding a dragon through the morning mist, swirling and diving while I took part in some epic battle. It was beyond words, I'd tingle all over, my cheeks would flush - as much from the cold as from escaping reality - and time stopped while I inhabited a Labrinthesque bubble.
Lady Antebellum I Need You Now is no different, when I listen to it I'm thinking of a particular scene featuring the main character in the story I'm writing. The scene is only half formed in my head, like I'm seeing it through some kind of veil and so the precise details are obscured but the feelings are all there. I think if I listen to the song enough what I'm imagining will coalesce sufficiently for me to be the conduit to the page, until I manage that I'm going to be wandering around the place never really being completely in the room.
I wonder if the creative process is like this for others - like being a psychic but for books and scenes? When parts to a story come to me they're never in a linear sequence, chapter one of book one is rarely followed by chapter two of book one.
So, reader, what's your creative process like?
Sunday, 5 January 2014
Everything and Nothing
L and I no longer celebrate New Years Eve, the abridged reason is I can't be bothered and L just wants spring to arrive. He would rather we went straight to summer but he acknowledges there is a natural order to these things.
Every year as New Year's Eve approaches I start thinking about all the things I am resolved to do - chiefly what I want to achieve and this year was no different. My birthday, on the 29th, was hardly over before I was looking to the new year and creating a 'to do' list: 1) get a teaching job, 2) regularly earn money, 3) lose 10 lbs, 4) stop stressing so much, 5) stop living so much 'in my head', 6) stop being sensitive, 7) stop comparing myself and my achievements to others, 8) stop doubting myself, 9) stop letting fear govern me....I couldn't stop thinking and listing.
Was it any wonder I felt stressed?...Not really. I'd like to say I then resolved NOT to have any New Year's resolutions, to just let go and see what the year was going to bring me but I didn't.
A new year represents both everything and nothing, everything because EVERYTHING is possible and nothing because NOTHING is yet known: it has yet to be experienced.
Every year as New Year's Eve approaches I start thinking about all the things I am resolved to do - chiefly what I want to achieve and this year was no different. My birthday, on the 29th, was hardly over before I was looking to the new year and creating a 'to do' list: 1) get a teaching job, 2) regularly earn money, 3) lose 10 lbs, 4) stop stressing so much, 5) stop living so much 'in my head', 6) stop being sensitive, 7) stop comparing myself and my achievements to others, 8) stop doubting myself, 9) stop letting fear govern me....I couldn't stop thinking and listing.
Was it any wonder I felt stressed?...Not really. I'd like to say I then resolved NOT to have any New Year's resolutions, to just let go and see what the year was going to bring me but I didn't.
A new year represents both everything and nothing, everything because EVERYTHING is possible and nothing because NOTHING is yet known: it has yet to be experienced.
Thursday, 19 December 2013
WANTED!...
Someone to make my decisions for me.
I'm getting the feeling that every decision I have made lately has been the wrong one. I mean, it's fifty-fifty and I inevitably pick the wrong one and it bites me on the ass.
I didn't register for agency supply work or apply for jobs because I didn't know where we were going to be living...now trying to do both is proving a nightmare. Wrong time of year for jobs and the supply agencies I'm trying to register with are apparently too busy to speak to me to conduct the telephone interview I must have before under going security clearance.
I decided to take my time taking the maths test because I knew it was going to be a difficult one for me...now I am chasing and chasing and chasing my university for my certificate.
So, wanted...one person to do all the deliberating and decision making on my behalf because I give up.
Oh and I also want a large glass of mulled wine, some junk food like pizza and chocolate, a feel good Christmas film or carols playing because well....I'm sulking!
I'm getting the feeling that every decision I have made lately has been the wrong one. I mean, it's fifty-fifty and I inevitably pick the wrong one and it bites me on the ass.
I didn't register for agency supply work or apply for jobs because I didn't know where we were going to be living...now trying to do both is proving a nightmare. Wrong time of year for jobs and the supply agencies I'm trying to register with are apparently too busy to speak to me to conduct the telephone interview I must have before under going security clearance.
I decided to take my time taking the maths test because I knew it was going to be a difficult one for me...now I am chasing and chasing and chasing my university for my certificate.
So, wanted...one person to do all the deliberating and decision making on my behalf because I give up.
Oh and I also want a large glass of mulled wine, some junk food like pizza and chocolate, a feel good Christmas film or carols playing because well....I'm sulking!
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