A friend text me the other day to tell me her violent and abusive ex husband has ONCE again been let off the hook. No charges. No come-uppance. No debt to pay. No justice.
I feel stunned.
I feel incensed.
I feel powerless.
I feel useless.
I don't know how to react to this news. I've been mulling it over in my mind (and heart) for days trying to make sense of it all.
I'm trying to find the fairness in it, trying to have faith that he will get what he deserves and trying to just be patient.
Part of me doesn't want to be patient though. Part of me wants to use any means of transport to get to the part of the country that is unlucky enough to have him there and...what?
Can I say the things that I want to visit upon him?...
I want to hurt him; I want to hit him and keep hitting him until I feel bone breaking under the impact of my fists. I want him curled on the floor at my feet as I kick his sorry excuse for a man's ass in to A & E. I want to destroy him and I want to strip him of everything that he loves and holds dear and I want him to fold, to crumble under the weight of why.
I don't want his mind or his heart to be able to hold on to anything other than the knowledge of why.
I know he is sick.
I know that he has problems.
I know that he needs help.
I know wanting this makes me as bad as him.
I know wanting it is wrong...
but I don't care.
I don't care that its wrong to want to hurt him, to want him to be less than nothing, to suffer and hurt to the point of no return, and I care least of all that he's sick, has problems, and needs help.
In my mind and in my heart he doesn't deserve any of those things and he never will. Even if he paid his debt, even if he said he was sorry and the extent of his sorrow was written on his face for all to see...it wouldn't be enough for me.
I will never forgive him. I will never believe that he is sorry. I will never accept any reasons that he gives for his actions - past and present - as understandable.
Abuse and bullying - of any kind in any place - is wrong.
He - everything about him and everything he has ever done - is wrong.
And I hope every day of his life is miserable and he never again knows any peace or happiness or laughter or love.
He deserves nothing less and nothing more.
Showing posts with label hatred. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hatred. Show all posts
Friday, 3 December 2010
Monday, 11 October 2010
Day 10 Someone You Need to Let Go, or Wish You Didn’t Know
I gave this one a great deal of thought and initially was finding it difficult to think of some one that I could hate with such intense passion that I would genuinely and sincerely feel better erasing from my memory and life.
But I am a woman who listens to her instincts, which is the same as saying the voice that quietly and confidently tells me the truth, and so I heard a name whispered inside. His name is...not important - I want to name and shame him but instead I'm going exercise a restraint he doesn't deserve and let his actions speak for themselves.
After my mum split with my dad she soon found a new partner, hindsight makes me think it was too soon but mum would be the better judge of her heart and not I. In the beginning all seemed to be going well, however as time passed her new partner became more selfish and more demanding, he couldn't understand a mother putting her children before her partner. He resented her putting us first, he resented the closeness of the relationship she shared with her sister, he resented her need and desire for independence and so the pouring of poisonous words begun. He slowly but surely undermined all confidence she possessed in herself and her capabilities. He systematically destroyed any belief she had in herself and robbed her of all her pride in her successes or achievements. Phrases such as 'you can't do ...' and 'why would you want to when it isn't possible' and 'I don't believe you're capable' and 'you're not doing ... right' and 'no I won't do ... with you' and 'I won't help you' and 'I didn't know what I was doing it was the drink' and 'I don't remember' became tragically common place for mum.
He wanted control, he wanted to be the centre of her world and he would stop at nothing to chase away all rivals for her time, attention and affection, including her family and children.
Eventually mum realised their relationship had gone as far as it could, more importantly it had gone as far as she wanted it to and so she told him it was over and asked him to leave. He refused and merely moved in to the spare room. We sought legal advice and followed it - putting her request for him to leave in writing, approaching his daughters and asking for their help in what was proving to be a difficult situation. None of it worked. His daughters didn't want to get involved and he refused to let go. He wanted them to seek help for their relationship, he would make her change her mind, he would change - an empty promise heard dozens of times before - he was going to sue his company for the breakdown of their relationship, and how could she do this to him when he loved her.
Things came to a head when he returned home from work one afternoon to find mum going through bed linen and dividing it up, when he realised what she was doing he turned nasty. So he did what all desperate volatile low life scum do - he physically lashed out at her and hit her.
The rest of the details aren't significant and what I've condensed down to a few paragraphs actually took place over months. He made our lives miserable for months purely because he couldn't and wouldn't accept their relationship was over. As much I can...understand - and I do because I know he was that in love with my mum, that desperate to cling to her and change her mind he lost all ability to reason - I don't accept his behaviour and also find a great deal of fault with what he did in the name of love. I've said it before and I'll say it again love is just as destructive as it is nurturing.
So, if there is one person I can think of that I wish I had never met and never had the misfortune to know it would be him, not for the person he is but for his actions.
But I am a woman who listens to her instincts, which is the same as saying the voice that quietly and confidently tells me the truth, and so I heard a name whispered inside. His name is...not important - I want to name and shame him but instead I'm going exercise a restraint he doesn't deserve and let his actions speak for themselves.
After my mum split with my dad she soon found a new partner, hindsight makes me think it was too soon but mum would be the better judge of her heart and not I. In the beginning all seemed to be going well, however as time passed her new partner became more selfish and more demanding, he couldn't understand a mother putting her children before her partner. He resented her putting us first, he resented the closeness of the relationship she shared with her sister, he resented her need and desire for independence and so the pouring of poisonous words begun. He slowly but surely undermined all confidence she possessed in herself and her capabilities. He systematically destroyed any belief she had in herself and robbed her of all her pride in her successes or achievements. Phrases such as 'you can't do ...' and 'why would you want to when it isn't possible' and 'I don't believe you're capable' and 'you're not doing ... right' and 'no I won't do ... with you' and 'I won't help you' and 'I didn't know what I was doing it was the drink' and 'I don't remember' became tragically common place for mum.
He wanted control, he wanted to be the centre of her world and he would stop at nothing to chase away all rivals for her time, attention and affection, including her family and children.
Eventually mum realised their relationship had gone as far as it could, more importantly it had gone as far as she wanted it to and so she told him it was over and asked him to leave. He refused and merely moved in to the spare room. We sought legal advice and followed it - putting her request for him to leave in writing, approaching his daughters and asking for their help in what was proving to be a difficult situation. None of it worked. His daughters didn't want to get involved and he refused to let go. He wanted them to seek help for their relationship, he would make her change her mind, he would change - an empty promise heard dozens of times before - he was going to sue his company for the breakdown of their relationship, and how could she do this to him when he loved her.
Things came to a head when he returned home from work one afternoon to find mum going through bed linen and dividing it up, when he realised what she was doing he turned nasty. So he did what all desperate volatile low life scum do - he physically lashed out at her and hit her.
The rest of the details aren't significant and what I've condensed down to a few paragraphs actually took place over months. He made our lives miserable for months purely because he couldn't and wouldn't accept their relationship was over. As much I can...understand - and I do because I know he was that in love with my mum, that desperate to cling to her and change her mind he lost all ability to reason - I don't accept his behaviour and also find a great deal of fault with what he did in the name of love. I've said it before and I'll say it again love is just as destructive as it is nurturing.
So, if there is one person I can think of that I wish I had never met and never had the misfortune to know it would be him, not for the person he is but for his actions.
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