Passive Aggressive Liability

She had to do it! 

I knew she would which is probably why I wanted to laugh in the meeting.

For our SEN (special educational needs) children we have an annual review of their IEP (individual education plan), their targets, their progress and anything else that needs to be discussed or is a cause for concern.

We had one today for K, his legal guardian, his head of year, his transition case worker, our head of special needs and myself were present.  It is no news to anyone there that K has emotional, social and behavioural issues and that he has been misbehaving ALOT lately! He has been excluded from school at least once that I know of (I've only been supporting him for a month) and he's been in internal isolation more than once too.

Monday I was on a course - speech, language and communication - it took us over 40 minutes to get there, we only had 1 break of about 10 minutes and it went at a very quick pace.  It was intensive to say the least.  By the time we had had lunch and added travel time back to school we would have arrived half way through 6 period, so naturally we reasoned there was little to no point returning.  Obviously in hind sight that was the wrong decision to make.

The 2 other TAs who accompanied me on the course were spoken to about not returning and were advised we 'should have eaten our lunch in the car on the way back'.  I'm not even going to comment on that.  

Me however she waits to talk to until we in K's review and there are others present, plus she implies that the reason he was so bad on the Monday was because I wasn't there and hadn't returned for 6 period.  How about that?!

I don't know what is worse - that she could be that unprofessional or that I'm not even remotely surprised that she did it.

Don't get me wrong, I am unbelievably mad that she deemed that precise moment: in a meeting with others, as the appropriate time and place to bring up such a grievance.  I'm angry that she is that insecure in her own role and position that she feels the need to take petty and spiteful swipes at the members of her team that make her look good. I'm angry that she is quite clearly a passive aggressive, who retreats at the slightest indication you may stand up for yourself and confront her.

I know I should feel sadness and pity for her but I don't.  I used to but now...I'm indifferent and I've no sympathy at all, as far as I'm concerned if you can't stand the heat in the kitchen....get out and stop making yourself a liability.

Love and Hate

A friend text me the other day to tell me her violent and abusive ex husband has ONCE again been let off the hook. No charges. No come-uppance. No debt to pay. No justice.

I feel stunned.
I feel incensed.
I feel powerless.
I feel useless.

I don't know how to react to this news. I've been mulling it over in my mind (and heart) for days trying to make sense of it all.

I'm trying to find the fairness in it, trying to have faith that he will get what he deserves and trying to just be patient.

Part of me doesn't want to be patient though. Part of me wants to use any means of transport to get to the part of the country that is unlucky enough to have him there and...what?

Can I say the things that I want to visit upon him?...

I want to hurt him; I want to hit him and keep hitting him until I feel bone breaking under the impact of my fists. I want him curled on the floor at my feet as I kick his sorry excuse for a man's ass in to A & E. I want to destroy him and I want to strip him of everything that he loves and holds dear and I want him to fold, to crumble under the weight of why.

I don't want his mind or his heart to be able to hold on to anything other than the knowledge of why.

I know he is sick.

I know that he has problems.

I know that he needs help.

I know wanting this makes me as bad as him.

I know wanting it is wrong...

but I don't care.

I don't care that its wrong to want to hurt him, to want him to be less than nothing, to suffer and hurt to the point of no return, and I care least of all that he's sick, has problems, and needs help.

In my mind and in my heart he doesn't deserve any of those things and he never will. Even if he paid his debt, even if he said he was sorry and the extent of his sorrow was written on his face for all to see...it wouldn't be enough for me.

I will never forgive him. I will never believe that he is sorry. I will never accept any reasons that he gives for his actions - past and present - as understandable.

Abuse and bullying - of any kind in any place - is wrong.

He - everything about him and everything he has ever done - is wrong.

And I hope every day of his life is miserable and he never again knows any peace or happiness or laughter or love.

He deserves nothing less and nothing more.