I don't know if this is the same for everyone else but I have been led to believe that when I am in need, when I'm unsure of something, when I need advice...all I have to do is ASK.
Ask and apparently people will be only too willing to help, to offer advice, to point me in the right direction and to set me on the right path.
Excuse me for a moment but what *##^ing person made up that lie?! and Where are they so I can shout and rant and rave and storm at them?!
Seriously, what is wrong with this world, our teaching institutes in particularly, that they view a person who desperately wants to be a teacher asking for help, advice and guidance in achieving this as a problem?!
ARE THEY KIDDING ME?
Apparently asking for the above things means that I have become a chore and hard work. Asking for help and guidance from those in the know, from those in a position of power makes me ... want something from them and therefore I am hard work, less appealing, troublesome and well lets not beat around the bush about this - NOT WANTED.
My free labour is not wanted and I'm fobbed off with half-truths and little information.
Tuesday, 24 May 2011
Sunday, 22 May 2011
Stories, Perfect Timings, Stonehenge and Other Mystical Entities
J and B are insistent I start writing my novel. They ask me every time we meet if I've begun yet and every time I reply that I haven't.
I've explained to them about being caught up and entangled in my own net of doubt, fear and ...this novel, this story is my Stonehenge.
Years ago when L and I had been seeing each other for a year or two we went on holiday together to Cornwall. On the drive back he took me to see Tintagel and Stonehenge knowing I was obsessed with all things King Arthur, Morgan Le Fey, Lancelot and Excalibur. As we sat outside the protective fencing he asked me if given the chance to touch the mystical stones whether I would.
I said no.
He was understandably confused.
I explained; I wouldn't touch it for fear of it losing its magic. As it was, untouched by me, it still had it and held power for me. If I were to touch it and feel nothing, no thrumming of power, no spark of something magic and undefinable, no mystery...I would be devastated. I would lose a part of myself, a part of my childhood, a part of my imagination, a part of my dreams and dare I say it a part of my future just by having to admit Stonehenge was nothing more some really big stones left over from some bygone era.
So, while I remained outside the fence and it remained untouched inside the fence I could keep my dreams, my fantasies, my smiles and the magic intact.
My novel has been a little like that for some time.
I think about it a great deal. I envision scenes unfolding before my eyes, hear dialogue in my head, anticipate reactions to events and feel emotions that I know fit with my protagonist all the time...but still I don't write.
Still I keep putting it off.
Still I shy away from taking the plunge.
What am I waiting for?...The time to feel right.
I'm waiting for that spark to flare inside of me that tells me everything is as it should be; the time is right, the story is ready to unfurl and bloom, my protagonist is ready to be born and introduced to the world and I have no other distractions, either impending or real, to contend with.
I've explained to them about being caught up and entangled in my own net of doubt, fear and ...this novel, this story is my Stonehenge.
Years ago when L and I had been seeing each other for a year or two we went on holiday together to Cornwall. On the drive back he took me to see Tintagel and Stonehenge knowing I was obsessed with all things King Arthur, Morgan Le Fey, Lancelot and Excalibur. As we sat outside the protective fencing he asked me if given the chance to touch the mystical stones whether I would.
I said no.
He was understandably confused.
I explained; I wouldn't touch it for fear of it losing its magic. As it was, untouched by me, it still had it and held power for me. If I were to touch it and feel nothing, no thrumming of power, no spark of something magic and undefinable, no mystery...I would be devastated. I would lose a part of myself, a part of my childhood, a part of my imagination, a part of my dreams and dare I say it a part of my future just by having to admit Stonehenge was nothing more some really big stones left over from some bygone era.
So, while I remained outside the fence and it remained untouched inside the fence I could keep my dreams, my fantasies, my smiles and the magic intact.
My novel has been a little like that for some time.
I think about it a great deal. I envision scenes unfolding before my eyes, hear dialogue in my head, anticipate reactions to events and feel emotions that I know fit with my protagonist all the time...but still I don't write.
Still I keep putting it off.
Still I shy away from taking the plunge.
What am I waiting for?...The time to feel right.
I'm waiting for that spark to flare inside of me that tells me everything is as it should be; the time is right, the story is ready to unfurl and bloom, my protagonist is ready to be born and introduced to the world and I have no other distractions, either impending or real, to contend with.
Saturday, 21 May 2011
Tissues for my Issues, Pudding, Tiredness and Impending Goodbyes
It could have been the jet lag or it could have been PMT or it could have just been me having a moment but the other day I found myself sobbing, inconsolable, for hours.
I was tired.
I was bone weary tired of carrying the burden of my recent past.
As I cried I realised that I was tired of mourning the loss of trust in my mum. I was tired of being angry, of being hurt, of being disappointed and of disappointing in turn. I was tired of analysing it all, tired of caring, tired of always being scared, tired of my constant companion insidious doubt. I was tired of complicated and fraught relationships, tired of low self-esteem, tired of fighting to be heard and listened to, tired of being pushed to the side and dismissed, tired of giving in to other people for the sake of peace and quiet, tired of doing things out of duty rather than because I wanted to, tired of being considerate and getting bugger all in return, tired of feeling overwhelmed and lost and frustrated. Tired of being anxious, tired of pretending everything was okay, tired of feeling trapped and most of all I was just simply tired of it all.
And the whole time I did the same voice that I always hear in my head at such emotional moments was telling me I was being a melodramatic drama queen. I felt weak, stupid, pathetic, childish and unworthy.
Eventually I washed my face, blew my nose (alot) and flushed the issued filled tissues down the toilet before I took myself off to see my little pudding. I needed, for however transient a moment, to hold him in my arms and soothe him off to sleep. I needed the peace of it and I needed the calmness that I feel when I do.
I needed to comfort and reassure and I needed to be lost in that task without thought or emotion. I can physically flush my issues away but its never restores calmness to me the way holding his warm, solid little body in my arms does.
K, the girls and pudding move next week...
I was tired.
I was bone weary tired of carrying the burden of my recent past.
As I cried I realised that I was tired of mourning the loss of trust in my mum. I was tired of being angry, of being hurt, of being disappointed and of disappointing in turn. I was tired of analysing it all, tired of caring, tired of always being scared, tired of my constant companion insidious doubt. I was tired of complicated and fraught relationships, tired of low self-esteem, tired of fighting to be heard and listened to, tired of being pushed to the side and dismissed, tired of giving in to other people for the sake of peace and quiet, tired of doing things out of duty rather than because I wanted to, tired of being considerate and getting bugger all in return, tired of feeling overwhelmed and lost and frustrated. Tired of being anxious, tired of pretending everything was okay, tired of feeling trapped and most of all I was just simply tired of it all.
And the whole time I did the same voice that I always hear in my head at such emotional moments was telling me I was being a melodramatic drama queen. I felt weak, stupid, pathetic, childish and unworthy.
Eventually I washed my face, blew my nose (alot) and flushed the issued filled tissues down the toilet before I took myself off to see my little pudding. I needed, for however transient a moment, to hold him in my arms and soothe him off to sleep. I needed the peace of it and I needed the calmness that I feel when I do.
I needed to comfort and reassure and I needed to be lost in that task without thought or emotion. I can physically flush my issues away but its never restores calmness to me the way holding his warm, solid little body in my arms does.
K, the girls and pudding move next week...
Saturday, 30 April 2011
Wednesday Wonderings
I'm a little late in posting this one up, but if you read it you'll know why...
I'm a little jet lagged so these may well be a little more random than usual...but probably not because I'm naturally strange!
Why I can only seem to sleep in 4 hour increments with anything from half hour to hours wakefulness in between?
If I should openly admit to not knowing what I was looking forward to most - seeing L again or eating Mexican food?
If I should feel guilty about the above?
Why my sister T feels the need to tell me that she loves me so often? Anyone who knows anything about my relationship with my sister will know why I find this sinister but to be blunt - she's always been more likely to insult me or put me down than to pay me a compliment so saying she loves me...well that's just plain scary!
If people will laugh if I admit to being proud of myself for flying all the way from London to LA by myself without panicking and being tearful? (yes I know I'm 33 but its a LONG way people!)
Why I still feel like I've forgotten something even though I"m here now so it doesn't matter?
If there is any chance of falling asleep again or is this me - up and awake at 4am local time?
Why I thought it would be a good idea to do an hour long kick boxing session at 9am this morning?
If I've ever met a calorie that I don't like?
Why no one else goes as red in the face and looks like they are going to pass out the way that I do when I work out?
What we're having for dinner this evening?
If its just too much like an person to be contemplating taking an afternoon nap right now?
What happened to the vest tops I packed in my bag? They fitted when I bought them but nut now they're looking decidedly too big (showing a tad too much boob - not cleavage because you could park a bus between mine - but definitely too much boob for comfort)
Why my favourite anniversary card from L to date features me being compared to a fat Labrador puppy?
Why sometimes I feel so alone and isolated despite being surrounded by friends and people?
How I managed to go into the hairdressers for a 'trim' and came out a good 1 - 2 inches shorter? That is not a trim Natasha
Why putting things in a 'safe place' often means you can't find them after?
If this year can get any busier? Its not even the end of April and I'm exhausted
How long it is going to take exercising and watching what I eat before I can 'look' at myself working out without feeling revulsion?
When I will be able to say that I sleep well? I really am done with this disturbed sleep pattern!
How being vain escaped me? Was checked out for the first time in ages the other day - by a guy in the coffee shop and by surfer guys as I ran along the beach - and it felt AMAZING! What an ego boost;-)
And on that happy note I'm going to leave my observations/musings at that.
I'm a little jet lagged so these may well be a little more random than usual...but probably not because I'm naturally strange!
Why I can only seem to sleep in 4 hour increments with anything from half hour to hours wakefulness in between?
If I should openly admit to not knowing what I was looking forward to most - seeing L again or eating Mexican food?
If I should feel guilty about the above?
Why my sister T feels the need to tell me that she loves me so often? Anyone who knows anything about my relationship with my sister will know why I find this sinister but to be blunt - she's always been more likely to insult me or put me down than to pay me a compliment so saying she loves me...well that's just plain scary!
If people will laugh if I admit to being proud of myself for flying all the way from London to LA by myself without panicking and being tearful? (yes I know I'm 33 but its a LONG way people!)
Why I still feel like I've forgotten something even though I"m here now so it doesn't matter?
If there is any chance of falling asleep again or is this me - up and awake at 4am local time?
Why I thought it would be a good idea to do an hour long kick boxing session at 9am this morning?
If I've ever met a calorie that I don't like?
Why no one else goes as red in the face and looks like they are going to pass out the way that I do when I work out?
What we're having for dinner this evening?
If its just too much like an person to be contemplating taking an afternoon nap right now?
What happened to the vest tops I packed in my bag? They fitted when I bought them but nut now they're looking decidedly too big (showing a tad too much boob - not cleavage because you could park a bus between mine - but definitely too much boob for comfort)
Why my favourite anniversary card from L to date features me being compared to a fat Labrador puppy?
Why sometimes I feel so alone and isolated despite being surrounded by friends and people?
How I managed to go into the hairdressers for a 'trim' and came out a good 1 - 2 inches shorter? That is not a trim Natasha
Why putting things in a 'safe place' often means you can't find them after?
If this year can get any busier? Its not even the end of April and I'm exhausted
How long it is going to take exercising and watching what I eat before I can 'look' at myself working out without feeling revulsion?
When I will be able to say that I sleep well? I really am done with this disturbed sleep pattern!
How being vain escaped me? Was checked out for the first time in ages the other day - by a guy in the coffee shop and by surfer guys as I ran along the beach - and it felt AMAZING! What an ego boost;-)
And on that happy note I'm going to leave my observations/musings at that.
Wednesday, 20 April 2011
Wednesday Wonderings
Almost forgot what day of the week it was today and therefore forgot to post a list of my musings. Actually to be honest I DID forget what day of the week it was...and I've no reason to give as to why.
On that note I'll just give you the list;
Why I'm so tearful today? The sun was out, my editing work on John's novel is complete, Pudding's Christening went wellish - got covered in hot wax but it went well, I fly out to the in-laws and L in a few days...but still I keep bursting into tears today.
Why I had to pick the one train home yesterday that only had one engine working and therefore made a 3 and a half journey take 5 hours plus?
How I didn't know that most trains have two engines - one at the front and one at the back - in the first place?
Why would I know the above unless my name was Norman and I was obsessed with trains?
How I kept a straight face when I told H (K's 3 year old) that my beautiful hair that was sticking up in all directions was the result of a hair fairy having come to play with it during the night?
Where my conscience was when her big blue eyes nodded accepting at me?
If April will ever stop being a difficult month for me?
Why lady birds have taken up residence in my bathroom and no matter how often I seem to evict them they keep coming back?
If anyone else will notice that the above statement implies I believe that they are the same lady birds?
What's wrong with the belief that they are the same lady birds?
If earlier today I could have felt any more sorry for myself when I was surrounded by the sound of families eating together?
If it is ever possible for things to go back to the way they were before a - I want to say traumatic but that feels over dramatic - painful experience?
How much I am going to ache tomorrow after my punch bag, press up, tricep extension and jogging on the spot session today?
Why after staunchly washing my hands of B I had to call out to her today to attempt to mend things?
If I'll get off my butt and this laptop any time soon to have a shower and get in my jarmies?
If its being just a tad pessimistic to wonder if I am the person to call on for a favour that won't be returned on this estate?
If anyone else found the tittering and simpering supposed university girls on the train yesterday annoying to the point of wanting to gag and knock them out?
Why I feel jealous and left out that L is over with his parents and sister while I am here?
If I will ever act on my intention to get up and go for a run in the morning?
Why thinking yourself slim isn't enough to work?
On that note I'll just give you the list;
Why I'm so tearful today? The sun was out, my editing work on John's novel is complete, Pudding's Christening went wellish - got covered in hot wax but it went well, I fly out to the in-laws and L in a few days...but still I keep bursting into tears today.
Why I had to pick the one train home yesterday that only had one engine working and therefore made a 3 and a half journey take 5 hours plus?
How I didn't know that most trains have two engines - one at the front and one at the back - in the first place?
Why would I know the above unless my name was Norman and I was obsessed with trains?
How I kept a straight face when I told H (K's 3 year old) that my beautiful hair that was sticking up in all directions was the result of a hair fairy having come to play with it during the night?
Where my conscience was when her big blue eyes nodded accepting at me?
If April will ever stop being a difficult month for me?
Why lady birds have taken up residence in my bathroom and no matter how often I seem to evict them they keep coming back?
If anyone else will notice that the above statement implies I believe that they are the same lady birds?
What's wrong with the belief that they are the same lady birds?
If earlier today I could have felt any more sorry for myself when I was surrounded by the sound of families eating together?
If it is ever possible for things to go back to the way they were before a - I want to say traumatic but that feels over dramatic - painful experience?
How much I am going to ache tomorrow after my punch bag, press up, tricep extension and jogging on the spot session today?
Why after staunchly washing my hands of B I had to call out to her today to attempt to mend things?
If I'll get off my butt and this laptop any time soon to have a shower and get in my jarmies?
If its being just a tad pessimistic to wonder if I am the person to call on for a favour that won't be returned on this estate?
If anyone else found the tittering and simpering supposed university girls on the train yesterday annoying to the point of wanting to gag and knock them out?
Why I feel jealous and left out that L is over with his parents and sister while I am here?
If I will ever act on my intention to get up and go for a run in the morning?
Why thinking yourself slim isn't enough to work?
Lessons Learnt
I'm back from a few days away...and I learnt ALOT about myself while I was away.
I learnt that family is important to me.
Things have never been the same between me and my family since L and I got married. I didn't have to learn that because I've never stopped knowing it. BUT I did learn that I miss what we had before and I feel like I have no sense of family now. I want to to fix things but at the moment it feels impossible because it still hurts and for the time being I am unable to look at them without seeing the hurt and feeling it too. I just have to trust that given time things will get better and it won't always be like this. And I do.
I learnt that I am not good with emotion.
When I feel like things are becoming too intense or that I am expected to talk openly and honestly about feelings ... I want and need to run away. I am not good with other people's emotions either and I build defences to protect myself against them.
I learnt that I am fed up with L being away so much.
I've confessed this to people often but I didn't feel it like I felt it when surrounded by K and her family; her girls C and H and my little pudding M and her husband J. I felt like an outsider, a spare part and someone to be pitied especially when they - K and her parents - gave me a anniversary card on mine and L's wedding anniversary yesterday. My sisters don't give us a card but K and her family did, which is neither here nor there. It made me angry with L for putting me in that situation, even though its not really his fault and I made my own choice.
I learnt that I do not like being relied upon.
I want to run away when I'm faced with other people needing me. When I look in their eyes and see their raw need, the expectation and the desire to be reassured that I am always going to be there for them...I want to run away. I want to tell them that their faith and need is misplaced if they're counting on me. I want to tell them that they shouldn't count on me because I'm selfish and unreliable and although I have the best intentions I am flighty and I am drifter and so therefore shouldn't and can't be relied upon for anything.
I learnt that I can be a patient person.
I have all the patience in the world for K's children and they never cease to be an amazement for me - when I am with them they make me want to have children and that is an amazement! BUT that desire doesn't last long! It is enough for me to know that should I so choose to become a mother...I have it in me to be a good one.
Most importantly, I can and do trust that I have the patience to wait to heal fully. When the time is right and I am ready...things will stop hurting and I will stop doubting.
I learnt that I am duplicitous.
I am not good at allowing people to get close to me or permitting them to see my vulnerability, so I always pretend everything is okay and I am okay. I will, no matter what, pretend to be stronger than I am and therefore someone other than I am.
I learnt that family is important to me.
Things have never been the same between me and my family since L and I got married. I didn't have to learn that because I've never stopped knowing it. BUT I did learn that I miss what we had before and I feel like I have no sense of family now. I want to to fix things but at the moment it feels impossible because it still hurts and for the time being I am unable to look at them without seeing the hurt and feeling it too. I just have to trust that given time things will get better and it won't always be like this. And I do.
I learnt that I am not good with emotion.
When I feel like things are becoming too intense or that I am expected to talk openly and honestly about feelings ... I want and need to run away. I am not good with other people's emotions either and I build defences to protect myself against them.
I learnt that I am fed up with L being away so much.
I've confessed this to people often but I didn't feel it like I felt it when surrounded by K and her family; her girls C and H and my little pudding M and her husband J. I felt like an outsider, a spare part and someone to be pitied especially when they - K and her parents - gave me a anniversary card on mine and L's wedding anniversary yesterday. My sisters don't give us a card but K and her family did, which is neither here nor there. It made me angry with L for putting me in that situation, even though its not really his fault and I made my own choice.
I learnt that I do not like being relied upon.
I want to run away when I'm faced with other people needing me. When I look in their eyes and see their raw need, the expectation and the desire to be reassured that I am always going to be there for them...I want to run away. I want to tell them that their faith and need is misplaced if they're counting on me. I want to tell them that they shouldn't count on me because I'm selfish and unreliable and although I have the best intentions I am flighty and I am drifter and so therefore shouldn't and can't be relied upon for anything.
I learnt that I can be a patient person.
I have all the patience in the world for K's children and they never cease to be an amazement for me - when I am with them they make me want to have children and that is an amazement! BUT that desire doesn't last long! It is enough for me to know that should I so choose to become a mother...I have it in me to be a good one.
Most importantly, I can and do trust that I have the patience to wait to heal fully. When the time is right and I am ready...things will stop hurting and I will stop doubting.
I learnt that I am duplicitous.
I am not good at allowing people to get close to me or permitting them to see my vulnerability, so I always pretend everything is okay and I am okay. I will, no matter what, pretend to be stronger than I am and therefore someone other than I am.
Wednesday, 13 April 2011
Wednesday Wonderings
Its been another hectic week for me and I've been working my ass off. That said I have given in to my whim to go off on a tangent with the fairies for some much needed moments of rest.
Here's what I've been thinking about/asking myself?
Why I seem to have the immune system of a butterfly again? I'm rolling from one illness into another at the moment and its just rubbish.
Why I just want to eat rubbish when I'm feeling rubbish?
How the sun can be shining and I can feel like I just want my jarmies, a blanket, the sofa and a good feel good film?
What the ... was going on in my head at 3am yesterday morning to make me have a nightmare about being possessed?! Not good people. Not good. I had to sleep with the hall light on after that.
If someone is going to finally move in next door after the landlord allowed the pipes to freeze and then burst, leaking water through all the floors? They've done it up and fixed it. Apparently. I've only seen painters and window cleaners in there but they must have. Right?
How L managed to arrive at work (overseas) and immediately wrangle the weekend off to visit his parents in LA?
Why I feel like I've been kicked in the head and back?
Who I can call to come and look after me because I'm not feeling well (again)?
Why there is never any sappy films\programmes on that I want to watch when they are precisely what I need? You'd think with all the those channels one of them would be showing something inane?
If its acceptable to be in jarmies all day?
IF the painters and window cleaners CAN make any more noise??? Seriously guys you aren't meant to go THROUGH the floors and walls!
If anyone else gets grumpy when they're ill or feeling absolutely beat?
Why banks make it SO hard to get anything done and NEVER follow YOUR instructions?
If its acceptable to trott down the road of our estate to drag in a friend's bins in my 'lounge' pants? Yes you heard right 'lounge' pants, I'm not calling them jarmies (even though I slept in them) because they aren't jarmies, they are lounge pants. In my world.
Why all the things that I fancy eating are things that require too much effort and energy to make?
Here's what I've been thinking about/asking myself?
Why I seem to have the immune system of a butterfly again? I'm rolling from one illness into another at the moment and its just rubbish.
Why I just want to eat rubbish when I'm feeling rubbish?
How the sun can be shining and I can feel like I just want my jarmies, a blanket, the sofa and a good feel good film?
What the ... was going on in my head at 3am yesterday morning to make me have a nightmare about being possessed?! Not good people. Not good. I had to sleep with the hall light on after that.
If someone is going to finally move in next door after the landlord allowed the pipes to freeze and then burst, leaking water through all the floors? They've done it up and fixed it. Apparently. I've only seen painters and window cleaners in there but they must have. Right?
How L managed to arrive at work (overseas) and immediately wrangle the weekend off to visit his parents in LA?
Why I feel like I've been kicked in the head and back?
Who I can call to come and look after me because I'm not feeling well (again)?
Why there is never any sappy films\programmes on that I want to watch when they are precisely what I need? You'd think with all the those channels one of them would be showing something inane?
If its acceptable to be in jarmies all day?
IF the painters and window cleaners CAN make any more noise??? Seriously guys you aren't meant to go THROUGH the floors and walls!
If anyone else gets grumpy when they're ill or feeling absolutely beat?
Why banks make it SO hard to get anything done and NEVER follow YOUR instructions?
If its acceptable to trott down the road of our estate to drag in a friend's bins in my 'lounge' pants? Yes you heard right 'lounge' pants, I'm not calling them jarmies (even though I slept in them) because they aren't jarmies, they are lounge pants. In my world.
Why all the things that I fancy eating are things that require too much effort and energy to make?
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