Wednesday Wondering

Another week, another enlightening glance into the inner sanctums of my philosophical musings.

Should all women join the circus? We're pretty good at 'juggling' a dozen or so things.

Will next door EVER learn what a door handle is & stop slamming their doors?

What will the blood tests I had done on Tuesday reveal?

When will my body heal itself sufficiently enough so that I can return to exercising?

Should I worry that I've rediscovered vodka with a passion?  Oh dear Lord the Smirnoff Sister is making a come back!

Why do I have rock solid abs at the top & a paunch of a belly that will - if allowed - rest itself on my legs at the bottom?

Why do I have the skinniest forearms & the meatiest biceps/triceps?

Did I really have a bit of a naughty dream about the England rugby player Johnny Wilkinson the other night?

Can I count a mild headache & the serious munchies the day after my 6 vodkas episode as a hangover or did I successfully skip that part?  If it helps I was up just after 6am & went through the house cleaning like a cyclone.

Why when I need to rebel or vent do I (occasionally) reach for vodka & the odd cigarette?

What I did to deserve the absolutely amazing friends that I've got in some of the other military wives?  Seriously, one dropped round a card - telling me she's glad I'm staying - 4 cup cakes (2 lemon, 2 malteaser) & a Yankee candle and my other friend dropped me to work, picked me up after & made me dinner because I'd just had blood tests & she didn't want me to be alone. How amazing are they?!

So, Diclofenac....the answer to all my pain problems?

How am I going to get through another 4 hour interview for the Primary PGCE course at Reading?  Gee thanks MoD for being the proverbial pain in my ass.

When am I going to get a chance to recharge my batteries?

Was it a slug or a snail that left a glistening trail of sparkling slime over my carpet by the patio doors?

How did 'Slimey' get in in the first place?

Where has Slimey' disappeared to?

Why I'm so afraid to trust the voice in my head that reassures me, 'everything is going to be okay now Tash'?

Why do slugs seem to be more visible after it has rained?

What is the purpose of a slug?

Apart from my plants, what do slugs eat, as in are they strictly vegetarian?  Should that be vegan?

Did I really get stuck on top of a mesh fence not once but about 4 times the other weekend?

Why do I find people watching so fascinating, yet would rather gouge my eyes out with a blunt spoon then watch big brother?  Surely people watching is just people watching?

How I can possibly be hungry right now?

Do these kids who walk around with their trouser half way down the back of their legs a) know how utterly ridiculous they look, b) how scrawny their backsides are (seen more meat on my ironing board) and c) what wearing them 'low riding' actually means?

Why do I always need the bathroom just as I'm about to fall asleep?

Joseph Merrick, Phrenology, Snow and Other Tediousness

I have psoriasis.  If you're not sure what that is take a look here http://www.psoriasis-association.org.uk I've had it for years, since I was in my early teens and it has NEVER gone away or cleared up.

I have more or less learnt to cope with it, that is to say I accept that I have it, that there is no cure and that I'm pretty much going to have it for the rest of my life.

Except every once in a while it really gets me down.  I am fed of living up to being born in the Chinese year of the snake (I.e. shedding my skin), seriously when I hoover I either have to wear a shower cap or L has to hoover behind me.

It has got so bad recently that it's becoming impossible to ignore.  It itches like crazy, it is so sore in places that that my skin cracks and bleeds.  I have it in my ears, in my belly button, in between my boobs, on my abdomen, in the crease of my buttocks and around my genitals.   I'm either covered in big angry red patches or patches of dry, scaly skin.  It's the dry scaly skin part that enable me to be the only person I know who can make it snow 365, or 366 depending on whether it's a leap year or not, days of the year!

Trust me that is not something to boast about.  Or laugh.

With a scalp that feels like war and peace in braille I'm starting to believe I'd also be a good candidate for Victorian phrenology, that and I'd make a fantastic side show for Joseph Merrick in a freak show.

Over the years I've pretty much tried everything: prescription steroid lotions, aroma therapy, essential oils, bathing in oats (smelt funky but acted as a natural water softener), olive oil, almond oil, palm nut oil, UV, drinking aloe vera juice and ignoring it.  The olive oil made me want a salad, the aloe juice and bathing in oats made want to vomit, the prescription steroid stuff cost me a fortune and gave me give skin pigmentation, the essential oils also cost me a fortune and all of the above gave me the same result...no change in my skin condition.

So, I'm just about out of ideas as to what else I can try...the mother in law 'suggested' pregnancy (something in the surge of hormones USUALLY clears it up) but I thought this was a little drastic.  And I'd be pissed if it failed because then I'd have two delightful problems to contend with and double the stress.  But I am very open to advice and suggestions, anyone got any?

Sponsored by the letter T

We didn't get the posting we were after.  L has been extended for another year in his current unit.

No I'm not happy about it.

No I can't think of it L like 'at least it's not Yorkshire or Germany'

Why?...pull up and chair and I'll tell you

Because I had mentally and emotionally prepared myself for moving.

Because I sold my merchants chest in anticipation of being allocated a smaller quarter.

Because I've accepted a place on a course at Winchester University, not Reading but WINCHESTER - come on say it with me now W.I.N.C.H.E.S.T.E.R - good, now you're getting it, on the understanding we were being posted to Winchester.

Because we were told it was 98% certain that we were being posted to Winchester.

Because we now have to find the money to pay for my commute.

Because I don't even know where to begin trying to research if I can transfer to another university.

Because my stress levels have gone through the roof.  Again.

Because I will now have to endure another year of L not being here - physically or emotionally.

Are you hearing a lot of 'I' in there?....you better effing believe you are because  no one has considered me in any of this.  Due to someone's else's inability to keep promises - once again and people wonder why I have trust issues - my life has just got whole lot more stressful.  Like it isn't stressful enough already.  Someone who doesn't know me, has never met me even, is playing with my life and my future.

I don't feature in their equations at all.

I feel like nothing.

I feel like it doesn't matter to anyone what I want or what makes me happy.

I feel like I am expected to just 'roll with it' because I knew what I was marrying into and because you know it's 'queen and country first and family a close second'.

I feel like I don't matter.

I'm invisible.

No, I'm not happy about it at all.

Underneath the anger, which is always easier to deal with, is the disappointment and frustration.  I'm hurting and I'm fed up of being understanding about being reduced down to a 'dependent' by the military.  

I'm not a dependent, I have never been a dependent and I will never be a dependent.

Today's post has been sponsored by the letter T - tiredness, too many tears to tell you about, a tirade, trepidation, tantrums and tourettes.

Wednesday Wonderings

Yes I'm back! Did you miss me?...

Where have I been?  Nowhere in particular really, home, work, around in general I suppose, it's just that I haven't felt the need to blog.  Or really had anything to blog about.

I know, since when do I not have anything to say?  I'm usually such a know-it-all I irritate myself sometimes.

Any way, before I get carried away with the sound of my own voice, here are a few of the things that I've been musing over lately,

Why can't I maintain an ambient body temperature at night that will enable me to get a good night sleep?

Would the pain fairy that is visiting my left wrist and left foot please vacant the premises?

How is it possible that despite working in a school I can feel my IQ dropping?

Now that I've potentially sold my 13 drawer merchants chest (a little choked sob there) where am I going to store all the crap I keep in it?

What should I have as a snack?  Really am hungry right now.

Why are some kids just vile, truly vile?

Why do they say and do nasty things despite you only ever having been nice and supportive to them?

Why do people keep putting the topic of having children on my 'agenda'?  

How many times do I have to repeat 'I'm too busy right now and have far too many things to do on my 'to do' list before I can even address that topic.  Besides, I have PCO and I'm just not ready to open that can of worms about whether I am even able to conceive because I'm just done with picking myself up and dusting myself off from the last time life up ended me onto my ass.  But thanks for asking.'

Who can detect the sarcasm in the above?

Why can't I believe that everything happens for a reason?

How do you get over trust issues to allow others to get close to you?

What is it like to have a dad?

Why is my favourite weather really windy with a mixture of sunshine and dark brooding storm clouds?

When will my libido return?

When will my creative muse return?

Why do I 'just know' some things?

It was just a piece of furniture right?  So why did I cry when I sold my 13 drawer merchants chest?

Are people really too busy and lazy to pay proper attention to spelling and grammar?  You've no idea how often it irks me!

When did broken promises become like assholes?  

Did I really have stinging nettles that were as tall as me at the bottom of my garden?

How embarrassed should I be about getting stuck - twice - on top of the mesh fence at the bottom of the garden?

Should I ignore the pain in my wrist and foot that I experience when I exercise and exercise any way?

Why do spiders think that when you see them running away, if they just stop dead in their tracks, you won't be able to see them any more?

Is there some dastardly plot involving flying creatures and men to make us women freak out and expose our breasts in public?

If the MOD's equivalent of HR were put on this earth just PISS ME OFF?

Bugs, Boobs and Boxing

As I was standing talking to some friends outside of school - work for me, I'm not the dodgy type to hang around schools - a bug flew into me.

I don't mean one of those piddly small things, I mean I solid big black thing. Obviously I did the only normal thing to do; completely draw attention to myself by waving and flapping my hands around frantically. After doing this for about 30 seconds I felt sure I'd got the pest off me. Except I hadn't, it had gone to ground in my hair. I freaked out again, SOMEHOW catapulted it down my top and between my boobs.

Yup between my boobs.

Before you think I'm some buxom wench let me set the record straight and say I might well be a D cup...but you can park a bus between my boobs. Seriously, if they were any further apart they would have to be pen pals.

What did Tasha do? Freak out so badly she exposed her 'nice' flesh coloured bra and God knows only what else to all the parents waiting to pick up their kids. Charming.

So not funny.

I came home, got into my fizz kit and went out to box on the punch bag...I've skinned my knuckles so bad 2cm of skin is hanging off.

We have the school inspectors in on Wednesday and Thursday...I'm going to look like a real role model with my thug hands!

To conclude, today's post has been sponsored by the letter B and the colour red.

Some Times the Truth of a Matter Hits You Like a Sledgehammer to the Forehead

That happened to me on Monday and I've more or less been reeling from it ever since.

Since the weight of supporting K has been distributed amongst a number of TAs he has become particularly vile and even harder to handle.  Why? I've absolutely no idea at all, which frustrates me no end because we all know how much I need and love all puzzles to have a neat solvable ending, but I digress and that is different story all together.

I now have K on a two week rota system; on a Monday one week and on a Wednesday the following week and after that back to Monday etc.  

On Monday just gone I saw a whole new side to K, a manipulative, spiteful and far too savvy side to him that spoke volumes to me.  It also made me realise I needed to take a step back from him and reassess my character judgement.  Suddenly the little boy who I had always assumed was acting and lashing out at adults, particularly females, because he was releasing the anger, disappointment, hurt and frustration that his mother was, and still is, dysfunctional to the point of not being able to raise him or his sister.  I also assumed the sheer number of years of neglect he suffered also played a part in his behaviour. 

I could go into detail about the things K said and did, but let it suffice to say that he made it abundantly clear that he was of the opinion he was now in control, adults were to do as he WANTED, WHEN he wanted and that was, to quote 'how things were now'.  When I refused to pander to his demands, to bend my knee in submission he threatened to go to our headmaster and 'tell Mr F and get you the sack.  Then I will be happy.'

You've no idea how it felt to be me at that precise moment in time.  Even now, six days later, I'm still struggling to impose some kind of order on my emotions. I don't know if what I did next was right or wrong but I held the door open and said, 'you go right ahead k.  If you feel that strongly about it and you feel that it is absolutely necessary, I won't stop you.'. He didn't.  I summoned my boss from her ivory tower with its rose tinted windows (quite literally rose tinted) and made her deal with him! Telling her precisely what he had threatened me with.

I shouldn't be surprised that J the Jackal Jones (as I've taken to calling her, and you look up the dictionary definition of a jackal and you'll see why) gave him precisely what he wanted.  She also told him, which he repeated to me, that I am 'too strict with him'.  I'm not even go going to unpack my thoughts or feelings on that one, except to say it made my decision all the more easier.

It didn't hit me until a day later what that threat meant or could mean for me.  For L and I.  When the full weight of that knowledge settled in I went straight to the headmaster's secretary and reported it.

On Friday I resigned.

Not because I have pre-course requirements to achieve but because I simply won't have my repetition and integrity held to ransom, nor can I work for someone and in an institute where a blind eye is turned to things like that.  I cannot afford to.

Any allegation made by a child about an adult HAS to be investigated and rightly so.  It is all well and good every adult scoffing at K's threat and reassuring me that no one would believe him; an allegation from him about myself would have to be investigated.  FACT.  It would have to go on my record.  FACT.  I would be suspended pending an investigation.  FACT.  Eventually, after all claims would be deemed unfounded and I was exonerated, it would remain on my record.  FACT.  I would have to let Winchester know and my place on the course would disappear.  FACT.  

It doesn't matter which way I looked at it, everything disappeared for me, for L: my place on the teacher training course, my career as a teacher, our visa to the States, our future essentially...all of it disappeared.

It's irrelevant that K doesn't understand what making a lie up about me would cost me.  It's irrelevant that he doesn't have the maturity or conscience or the emotional capacity to comprehend the damage he could do.  None of that would matter one little bit in the face of an allegation of misconduct.

I cannot work in a place where a line manager doesn't support her staff, in a place where the line manager consistently belittles and puts down her staff.  I can't work in a place where senior management are aware of all said line manager's failings and do nothing about it because they are afraid to rock the boat so close to her retirement.  I cannot work in place where a blind eye is turned to the abuse TAs suffer at the hands of the pupils they support and go unpunished.

Mean Girl

I've been trying to follow my mum's guiding warning, 'if you have nothing good to say then you should say nothing at all'.  This was usually followed by the curt suggestion I take myself and my bad mood off to my room where I couldn't inflict t on anyone else.  (That probably explains why I seek solitude when I'm feeling...not myself)

It's been hard.

Not because I've been hissing and spitting alley cat mad, I was but now... not so much.

More because I've just preferred to internalise all the awful things I've been feeling so I'm not too much of a negative person.  I know L being away, a hurt foot restricting my exercise, my psoriasis being rampant, a cold and Monday's horrible experience have taken their toil on me....but being miserable won't change them.  

Plus, L being away, the sore foot and the psoriasis have been going on for a while now, so I can't continually moan about them.

So, I am trying to keep my mouth shut and my - hopefully temporary - negativity to myself.

But the devil  caught me and my tongue off guard today, and while everyone else laughed, I wasn't being humorous; I was being mean.