I sat across the table from them, cold yet sweating. I knew my time would come and that there would be questions that would need answering but forewarned wasn't automatically forearmed.
My defences we're in place and his disarming charm did little to reassure or lower my inhibitions.
I answered their questions truthfully with no embellishments and no agenda. It wasn't a pleasant experience.
I'm there for the better part of 3 hours, talking them through my day, giving them the bare facts and sticking to the question being asked.
The thing that has stuck with me the most...his comment that he's concerned I'm so focused on my class and my job I'm becoming 'entrenched' and he's worried about the pyschology impact this could have on me down the line...
I'm both stunned and not surprised at all.
He said it wasn't a criticism....but it feels like one, perhaps because it's true.
Monday, 30 March 2015
Monday, 23 March 2015
Trials Vs Triumps
Lately my life has felt like a series of trials in which I am just trying to make it through the week with my inner monologue in tact.
Today I failed.
First, I uncerimoniously told a packed staff meeting I wasn't onboard with a last minute activities week. Second, I told my pregnant TA maybe she shouldn't be in the classroom any more because every time she left it due to feeling vulnerable around our children she left the teacher she was working with also vulnerable. Third, I bluntly told the other NQT he had screwed up my evening with his last minute changes to the timetable.
Clearly the socially expected thing for me to do was smile sweetly and tell them all "No, it's fine, I'll make it work". Nah ahh.
But to end on a positive...whe I told a child last week that I didn't expect to have him direct that kind of language at me again (bitch, slut) and he said "ok" I took that as a triump.
Just managing my expectations there.
Today I failed.
First, I uncerimoniously told a packed staff meeting I wasn't onboard with a last minute activities week. Second, I told my pregnant TA maybe she shouldn't be in the classroom any more because every time she left it due to feeling vulnerable around our children she left the teacher she was working with also vulnerable. Third, I bluntly told the other NQT he had screwed up my evening with his last minute changes to the timetable.
Clearly the socially expected thing for me to do was smile sweetly and tell them all "No, it's fine, I'll make it work". Nah ahh.
But to end on a positive...whe I told a child last week that I didn't expect to have him direct that kind of language at me again (bitch, slut) and he said "ok" I took that as a triump.
Just managing my expectations there.
Sunday, 18 January 2015
Life is Short
Sometimes, just sometimes I wonder what it would be like to
pick an idea – just one – and to run with it.
Not have about dozen other ideas follow on from that one, not get so
excited and fired up by ALL the ideas that are shouting around your head and clammering
for attention, but you know – just have ONE idea.
Yeah, I wonder what that is like.
The older I get the more ideas and exciting projects I think
of and therefore want to experience. For
years I was afraid of change and didn’t like trying out new things, because new
things = potential failure. Now, I can’t
sit still. I don’t want to sit
still. I don’t want to do the same thing
over and over again. I don’t want to
still be in the same place one year from now.
Life is short and experiences fill it with a richness the
English language can’t even begin to encompass.
I hunger for more, there’s always something new to taste, to possess, to
create, to shape, to form, to give life to.
Life is short. Every
moment should be seized like it could be the last.
Friday, 2 January 2015
Living to work and Working to Live.....the Great Divide
If you're looking for the reasons I'm contemplating giving up teaching before I've even competed my NQT year, you need to read this post here. I couldn't put it better myself.
Ultimately, the work/life balance should be working to LIVE and not living to WORK.
Life is short, it may feel long and full of shit when times are challenging, but it is short and more importantly precious.
Ultimately, the work/life balance should be working to LIVE and not living to WORK.
Life is short, it may feel long and full of shit when times are challenging, but it is short and more importantly precious.
Wednesday, 31 December 2014
12, 37, Dory and Captain Hook
Maybe it's because the year is coming to an end and this is generally the time when you take stock of your life, but for whatever reason I'm lost in a world within.
It's New Year's Eve and my past, present and (anxieties about) my future are coliding, aided and abetted by the fact I turned 37 two days ago.
Every year I cycle through the same pattern: look back and weigh my achievements - feel disappointed and underachieving, like I haven't lived the life I was meant to live. That's usually the point I have the realisation that I'm in the same emotional and mental state I was in this time twelve months ago. Ha! Nothing rings more true than my inner voice telling me, "You're not the brightest star in the night sky at times...and this is one of those times!" I do the next predictable thing and make a resolution that this year I'm going to seize every moment and allow my instincts to guide me, I'm going to be confident and not doubt myself, I'm going to be more thankful for all that I have and live in the moment more, and I'm going to pursue my dreams...just as I did twelve months ago. I swear it's like ground hog day in my pysche, you should just start calling me Dory because there is a strong chance I won't remember my name is Natasha until twelve months from now.
I digress, whilst I'm looking over the last year I am acutely aware that I'm fearful of the future and that's largely to do with one, okay two things: I'm not sure I want to teach anymore and I think my biological clock has started ticking. I'm a dedicated and passionate person, which means I'm incapable of giving any task anything other than 100% (it's a blessing and a curse), I'm therefore a perfectionist and am consumed by everything I turn my hand to. Being that type of person is great for my employer - not so much for those I'm in relationships with, which means my two worlds are always colliding and frequently in conflict. There's been one shift lately though, I no longer feel the need to be stubbornly independent at the cost of my relationships and with that comes a whole new world of vulnerability (ugh is nothing ever simple!)
While I sulk maturely about that latest epiphany and trust me I've got a full on pout going on, I really do think my biological clock has kicked in. It's becoming so loud I'm starting to have sympathy for Captain Hook. I had to take a test yesterday and it was negative, but as I looked at it knowing it was going to be negative I was hopeful it wasn't. What surprised me most was how disappointed I was despite knowing the timing couldn't be worse because this next year is going to be one hell of roller coaster ride for various reasons I can't and don't want to get in to. I haven't even had the courage to tell L yet for fear of him being practical and pragmatic about it, he on the one hand would be right but I'm aware that I'm 37 and with fertility issues.
I could chase the ghost of that crocodile clock all evening and I'm damn sure part of my psyche will be, but it's New Year's Eve and there's beer to be drunk, so from me to you HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Wishing you all love, laughter and happiness for 2015! 😘
Monday, 27 October 2014
Outside of the Moment
It's half term and there's a million things I need and should be doing, being an adult is like that: your world is full of a multitude of chores that have you dashing from one moment to the next, thoughts whirling, toes tapping impatiently, smiles given in a hurry because you don't have the time to let them reach your eyes...
My life is like that - I rush from one moment to the next, my mind a maelstrom of to do lists, crazy ideas and ironic musings. It's like that because modern life is like that: busy, chaotic, fast paced and .....transient.
We live in the moment without truly being in it, our heads are there but are hearts aren't. The here and now demands our attention, the need to get the washing done, that report for work, the bills to pay, the letters to post, the car to fill up and the food to buy. They are the small details that block the view of the bigger picture.
I want to slow down so the things that I do are more meaningful and mean I take the time to think about what I say that I may 'feel' what I say too. Yet it's the one thing I'm incapable of, the times I try are out of sync with the times others try.
It occurred to me that really living in the moment requires you to feel in the moment, not prospone your processing of it to just before you fall asleep or even during your dreams. It's more than saying what you mean and meaning what you say, but how much more I've no idea.
All I can say is that I've just noticed that as a modern society we are selfish and incapable of communicating with each other when it really means something. There's a dozen ways to say how you'd like your coffee but when it comes to emotion or feelings, words fail us.
My life is like that - I rush from one moment to the next, my mind a maelstrom of to do lists, crazy ideas and ironic musings. It's like that because modern life is like that: busy, chaotic, fast paced and .....transient.
We live in the moment without truly being in it, our heads are there but are hearts aren't. The here and now demands our attention, the need to get the washing done, that report for work, the bills to pay, the letters to post, the car to fill up and the food to buy. They are the small details that block the view of the bigger picture.
I want to slow down so the things that I do are more meaningful and mean I take the time to think about what I say that I may 'feel' what I say too. Yet it's the one thing I'm incapable of, the times I try are out of sync with the times others try.
It occurred to me that really living in the moment requires you to feel in the moment, not prospone your processing of it to just before you fall asleep or even during your dreams. It's more than saying what you mean and meaning what you say, but how much more I've no idea.
All I can say is that I've just noticed that as a modern society we are selfish and incapable of communicating with each other when it really means something. There's a dozen ways to say how you'd like your coffee but when it comes to emotion or feelings, words fail us.
Sunday, 12 October 2014
Women Understand Women and They Hate Each Other
That statement has been ringing in my ears for some time now. The rest of goes, so what chance do men stand and right now I'd place myself with the men.
I'm an NQT (Newly Qualified Teacher) at a special school for children who have experienced sexual trauma, obviously it's tough. On any given day the children are always verbally aggressive and abusive, often violent and rarely remain in their seats for a whole lesson. Despite being sick of being someone else's punch and kick bag, I'm not too put out by it - they are children with deep rooted issues and no access to emotional literacy to express their trauma.
What I'm really struggling with is the toxic environment created by my colleagues. There's a power struggle going on between the current head and a teacher who wants her job (and is making it personal.) It's exhausting and a horrible place to be.
I made the decision to distance myself from it, after all I'm there to teach and nothing else, but in doing so I'm now very isolated. I'm floating in no man's land like a ephemeral ghost, searching for souls to guide me but having no light to gravitate to.
Recent changes aren't going to impact me too greatly, I've already been doing the lion's share of the work, teaching, planning and marking that another teacher has managed to shirk. What angers me is sitting on this knowledge, quietly, silently, being the woman that does that, but then being told that I'm most definitely flapping about it. No, no I'm not because nothing really changes for me.
I want out. These people are not my friends and they are not nice people. So now I sit and pray with fingers crossed for Friday to come, bringing with it the list of teaching vacancies.
I'm an NQT (Newly Qualified Teacher) at a special school for children who have experienced sexual trauma, obviously it's tough. On any given day the children are always verbally aggressive and abusive, often violent and rarely remain in their seats for a whole lesson. Despite being sick of being someone else's punch and kick bag, I'm not too put out by it - they are children with deep rooted issues and no access to emotional literacy to express their trauma.
What I'm really struggling with is the toxic environment created by my colleagues. There's a power struggle going on between the current head and a teacher who wants her job (and is making it personal.) It's exhausting and a horrible place to be.
I made the decision to distance myself from it, after all I'm there to teach and nothing else, but in doing so I'm now very isolated. I'm floating in no man's land like a ephemeral ghost, searching for souls to guide me but having no light to gravitate to.
Recent changes aren't going to impact me too greatly, I've already been doing the lion's share of the work, teaching, planning and marking that another teacher has managed to shirk. What angers me is sitting on this knowledge, quietly, silently, being the woman that does that, but then being told that I'm most definitely flapping about it. No, no I'm not because nothing really changes for me.
I want out. These people are not my friends and they are not nice people. So now I sit and pray with fingers crossed for Friday to come, bringing with it the list of teaching vacancies.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)