Wishing my Life Away

I have literally rolled from one illness into another, first it was flu and I was bedridden for four days and now it's a hacking chesty cough with a raw throat.

Perhaps it's the illness or the fact on last Friday one of the children I work with risked the lives of all of us (2 adults and 1 other child) in the car numerous times on the journey back from our day out...but I find myself thinking longingly of our planned holiday to California. It's not for a couple of months but I can't wait.

Late breakfasts.
Sleeping in.
Fresh coffee at the breakfast bar.
Home cooked meals.
Beers at the local tap room.
Fresh sea food.
Warm weather.
Days at the beach.
Popcorn and the Hallmark channel.
Pumpkin Spice lattes.
Walks along the beach.
The sound of the waves.

*sigh*

Yup. Just wishing my life away.

Things That Amuse Me

Owing to the fact it has been months since I last posted you'd be forgiven for thinking I'd lost my voice, that however couldn't be further from the truth...my brain has been so chatty it's been deafening in my head.

I've got a number of 'issues' rolling around the inner sanctum of my mind but...they're for another day and another cup of coffee.

Today I want to take the time to focus on things that make me chuckle, or squeal like a guinea pig depending on who I am with.

1. Animal videos or pictures of our pets doing silly things, especially when they are wearing what I believe to be a sheepish look when caught.

2. People's ability to take statuses or picture posts out of context and be offended. Not everything is designed to offend and if whatever said/posted can be taken in two ways...I or a friend meant the one that didn't offend.

3. People in the gym feeling that if they arrived after you they can't leave before you.

4. Pictures on Pinterest of people's 'nailed it' cakes and only because my efforts at baking are never pretty. Taste good but never pretty and never ever look like the picture.

5. My attempts to be green fingered - just check my green waste bin for my latest efforts.

6. Any of the Despicable Me films, in particular Gru and Agnes's relationship.

7. Magpies. Now I know that seems odd considering they're largely viewed as birds of ill omen and generally as not very nice but just watch them next time....that bouncy sideways thing they do, the way they nestle together on cold days, the fact they are bolshy bullies...probably shouldn't find that last ins entertaining but I do.

8. My sewing attempts and the disparity between the expectation in my mind and reality of what I've produced.

9. My clumsiness. I try so hard to be coordinated and graceful but the fact remains I'm neither of these things even on a good day.

10. Taking part in a tough gym circuit, am always grinning from ear to ear.

Weighing the Truth

I sat across the table from them, cold yet sweating. I knew my time would come and that there would be questions that would need answering but forewarned wasn't automatically forearmed.

My defences we're in place and his disarming charm did little to reassure or lower my inhibitions.

I answered their questions truthfully with no embellishments and no agenda. It wasn't a pleasant experience.

I'm there for the better part of 3 hours, talking them through my day, giving them the bare facts and sticking to the question being asked.

The thing that has stuck with me the most...his comment that he's concerned I'm so focused on my class and my job I'm becoming 'entrenched' and he's worried about the pyschology impact this could have on me down the line...

I'm both stunned and not surprised at all.

He said it wasn't a criticism....but it feels like one, perhaps because it's true.

Trials Vs Triumps

Lately my life has felt like a series of trials in which I am just trying to make it through the week with my inner monologue in tact.

Today I failed.

First, I uncerimoniously told a packed staff meeting I wasn't onboard with a last minute activities week. Second, I told my pregnant TA maybe she shouldn't be in the classroom any more because every time she left it due to feeling vulnerable around our children she left the teacher she was working with also vulnerable. Third, I bluntly told the other NQT he had screwed up my evening with his last minute changes to the timetable.

Clearly the socially expected thing for me to do was smile sweetly and tell them all "No, it's fine, I'll make it work". Nah ahh.

But to end on a positive...whe I told a child last week that I didn't expect to have him direct that kind of language at me again (bitch, slut) and he said "ok" I took that as a triump.

Just managing my expectations there.

Life is Short

Sometimes, just sometimes I wonder what it would be like to pick an idea – just one – and to run with it.  Not have about dozen other ideas follow on from that one, not get so excited and fired up by ALL the ideas that are shouting around your head and clammering for attention, but you know – just have ONE idea.

Yeah, I wonder what that is like.

The older I get the more ideas and exciting projects I think of and therefore want to experience.  For years I was afraid of change and didn’t like trying out new things, because new things = potential failure.  Now, I can’t sit still.  I don’t want to sit still.  I don’t want to do the same thing over and over again.  I don’t want to still be in the same place one year from now.

Life is short and experiences fill it with a richness the English language can’t even begin to encompass.  I hunger for more, there’s always something new to taste, to possess, to create, to shape, to form, to give life to.

Life is short.  Every moment should be seized like it could be the last.

Living to work and Working to Live.....the Great Divide

If you're looking for the reasons I'm contemplating giving up teaching before I've even competed my NQT year, you need to read this post here. I couldn't put it better myself.

Ultimately, the work/life balance should be working to LIVE and not living to WORK.

Life is short, it may feel long and full of shit when times are challenging, but it is short and more importantly precious.

12, 37, Dory and Captain Hook

Maybe it's because the year is coming to an end and this is generally the time when you take stock of your life, but for whatever reason I'm lost in a world within.

It's New Year's Eve and my past, present and (anxieties about) my future are coliding, aided and abetted by the fact I turned 37 two days ago.

Every year I cycle through the same pattern: look back and weigh my achievements - feel disappointed and underachieving, like I haven't lived the life I was meant to live. That's usually the point I have the realisation that I'm in the same emotional and mental state I was in this time twelve months ago. Ha! Nothing rings more true than my inner voice telling me, "You're not the brightest star in the night sky at times...and this is one of those times!" I do the next predictable thing and make a resolution that this year I'm going to seize every moment and allow my instincts to guide me, I'm going to be confident and not doubt myself, I'm going to be more thankful for all that I have and live in the moment more, and I'm going to pursue my dreams...just as I did twelve months ago. I swear it's like ground hog day in my pysche, you should just start calling me Dory because there is a strong chance I won't remember my name is Natasha until twelve months from now.

I digress, whilst I'm looking over the last year I am acutely aware that I'm fearful of the future and that's largely to do with one, okay two things: I'm not sure I want to teach anymore and I think my biological clock has started ticking. I'm a dedicated and passionate person, which means I'm incapable of giving any task anything other than 100% (it's a blessing and a curse), I'm therefore a perfectionist and am consumed by everything I turn my hand to. Being that type of person is great for my employer - not so much for those I'm in relationships with, which means my two worlds are always colliding and frequently in conflict. There's been one shift lately though, I no longer feel the need to be stubbornly independent at the cost of my relationships and with that comes a whole new world of vulnerability (ugh is nothing ever simple!)

While I sulk maturely about that latest epiphany and trust me I've got a full on pout going on, I really do think my biological clock has kicked in. It's becoming so loud I'm starting to have sympathy for Captain Hook. I had to take a test yesterday and it was negative, but as I looked at it knowing it was going to be negative I was hopeful it wasn't. What surprised me most was how disappointed I was despite knowing the timing couldn't be worse because this next year is going to be one hell of roller coaster ride for various reasons I can't and don't want to get in to. I haven't even had the courage to tell L yet for fear of him being practical and pragmatic about it, he on the one hand would be right but I'm aware that I'm 37 and with fertility issues.

I could chase the ghost of that crocodile clock all evening and I'm damn sure part of my psyche will be, but it's New Year's Eve and there's beer to be drunk, so from me to you HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Wishing you all love, laughter and happiness for 2015! 😘