Temporary

I came away on holiday with excess baggage, what woman doesn't, and when I thought it would fade away as I unwound the only person I was deluding was myself. It has stayed with me every moment of our holiday and been a weight on my shoulders that wasn't a reassuring hand.

I have spent at least one day a week, usually 2 or 3, preparing work and things for the next school year. I even enlisted the help of my mum on one of her days visiting me and all of this I did willingly. Unpaid because I am agency but willing. I have worried that a pre-job offer booked holiday meant I wasn't going to be around to pull my weight work wise, that I wouldn't be ready come September for my class, that I would be letting people down. I have snuck in moments of work on my holiday, checked emails and replied, tweaked lesson plans, booked trips, drafted permission letters, risk assessed trips and bought resources out of my own pocket. All the time I worried I wasn't doing enough and meeting other's expectations of me. I let work erode at my time with loved ones.

A few days ago I received an email from another teacher saying our head was going to change the classes AGAIN! These changes are BIG and render all the work - work she asked us to do in prep for our new classes back in July - void. She tells us this with less than a week to go until the return to school?! She expects the planning and prep to be done but I, for one, am too deflated and demoralised to bother.

I think I reached tipping point and asked L how he would feel if I didn't go back to that school in September and asked the agency for another booking. He said what I knew he would say: we need to get my NQT year done as you only get 5 years after qualifying to complete it and I am already a year into those 5 years. He thinks I need to suck it up until July to tick the box of my NQT and once that's been achieved leave. I know practically speaking he's right but I am so fed up with feeling unvalued and invisible. It seems because I am agency I am not on the company email lists and therefore am never included in on important notifications. I was told I'd have a contract last Easter and that changed to January due to (apparently) missing a deadline for submitting paperwork and I've not had any further reassurances this is still going to happen. I am using the log on details of other staff because despite being there at the school since February, I haven't been added to anything as a member of staff. I am temporary staff, agency staff. All of that pales into insignificance when I think about all the work we've done over summer in preparation for our classes and the children we were meant to have...everything we did we did for nothing, it was pointless and a waste of our time. How's that for feeling valued, for having your work and dedication valued???

If I think about it everything reeks of temporary. Except my excess baggage.

Impossible Situations

There's a line in Pretty Woman in which Richard Gere laments his knack for impossible relationships and I sympathise, mine is for impossible situations.

It seems I can't go a couple of months without finding myself in one - stuck between a rock and a hard place. Usually involving a conflict between my work and home life...

I withdrew into myself today, turning things over and over and over in my head and my heart. Each time I arrived at the same destination: anger and hurt.

Eventually I tried to talk to a friend but she misunderstood the situation, completely, and I didn't have it me to correct her.

No matter which way I turn this problem to look at it from another angle, I see the same disappointing facet. And no clear resolution.

I could philosophise all day long about how I ended up here (again) and try to apportion blame, but I'd still be no closer to knowing what I should do. Or what is the right thing to do.

Sometimes love has a hell of a lot to answer to. And the damned military too.

Rock and a Hard Place

I seem to have this amazing knack for picking the oddest and most challenging places to work, the kind of places that are small, private and less than organised. To coin a phrase, once is once, twice is coincidence and three....well now that's a pattern and let's just say in term of my working life I'm well beyond three times is a pattern.

I don't know how - or even why - but some how I've managed to do it again. I was supplying as a SEN teacher for a private school. I was providing outreach teaching to children who have experienced severe trauma either through neglect or sexual/physical abuse. I was verbally offered a job and I accepted. I was over the moon.

That was over a month ago and since then....nothing except unfulfilled promises and no communication.

What do I do?...trust the offer is good and will be made good or trust my instincts that are telling me things have changed and that job is never going to materialise???

*sigh* rock and a garden place.

Work vs Life

Some time ago I read an article that angered me greatly, it questioned whether a teacher in the current climate of education can ever hope to have a work-life balance. An undeniable hot topic. An unresolved one.

A work-life balance is hard to achieve in any business sector or job. For a start, everyone's understanding and concept of what a work-life balance differs.

No one argues with the notion that we all have a right to a life and to some relaxation time, but actually having those things....is another thing entirely. If you listen to the news or read the papers a picture of there being a dark cloud of doom hanging over the economy and working world is painted in infinite detail. Competition for jobs has increased, companies can afford to be more selective, the pressure in a job is increased as every company or establishment demands the very best from their employees and if you fail to give it...well step aside because there are plenty to fill your shoes. Rightly so when it comes to doing the job to the best of your ability, but I ask at what cost to the individual and eventually that sector?

As a person who has never been work shy and has regularly worked a 60+ hour week in my working career, I find myself stuck between a rock and a hard place when trying to navigate the conundrum of guilt versus a work-life balance.

Personally, I'm a perfectionist and I have high expectations for myself, which means I have a tendency to drive myself to stressed exhaustion. This doesn't bode well for my current career as a teacher. Yet, I've started to do a u-turn on many habits and previous beliefs, it's just a shame it took L rolling the car in a accident and his ruptured appendix for me to do that.

This time last year I was shoulder deep in my second placement on a PGCE course, training to be a primary school teacher. Understandably a PGCE is tough - the government, head teachers, parents and children want the very best you've got to give and I've started to view that period of my life as being equivalent of a 9 month obstacle course. When the afore mentioned things happened - L rolling the car and his appendix rupturing - I initially made the decision that the course and my placement came first...and have never quite forgiven myself for that. I swiftly realised I wasn't coping with the demands of physically looking after L, the masters level course work due and the general workload of the course and looking after a home, so I went to see the powers that be in university. Suffice to say I was stunned and distressed by the lack of support I received, especially as it was from a person I had somewhat put on a pedestal. That's a demon for another day.

It was precisely that moment that I asked myself 'Is anything or anyone worth more to me or more important than L and my own health?' The answer was an emphatic 'no'. Since that moment I've been struggling to define what a work-life balance means for me. I no longer think it's acceptable to spend hours at a laptop planning lessons, or bent backed over exercise books marking and responding to work while L waits patiently to spend time with me. I no longer think it's acceptable to use my own money to purchase resources or things to use in the classroom and most importantly to put anyone above and beyond L and myself. To be frank, I don't think it's acceptable to be consumed by a job even if it is a calling. Perhaps then I shouldn't be a teacher but I ask this, were I an accountant in a finance department I wouldn't be expected to bring my own calculator to the job, or pens, or any equipment in general in order to do my job. Should I be made to feel less or unsuitable for a job because I am not willing to put myself under unrealistic and unsustainable pressure to do it? Should I be ostracised or judged negatively because I think my health is far more important than marking books? Should I be made to fee guilty for putting my home life before my work life?

The answer to all those is 'no' and I resent anyone who thinks it is acceptable to make an individual feel guilty for giving any other answer. With this attitude in place I'm fearful of what a career as a teacher is going to be like for me. Perhaps my opinion is slightly skewed on this but the prevailing and very much dominant ideology present during the PGCE course was if you weren't prepared to sweat and bleed planning and teaching you weren't a teacher and you weren't suitable, taking care of a home and those you shared it with came down to 'just dust that will still be there at the end of the course' and loved ones 'will be understanding that you aren't spending time with them, that you are tired and snappy and swear and will often be tearful'.

The fact remains as I do embark on a teaching career I am not certain it is for me, I don't think any job and anyone is more important or more deserving of my time and attention than loved ones and my own health. I don't believe that it is healthy to be consumed by a need to spend every ounce of my energy and spend the majority of the hours in my day on my job. Perhaps it has gone unnoticed by many but without a good stable home life with support, a place that is your sanctuary to retreat to when your head has become a tangled ball of things left undone, there can be no happy work place or ethos. When we go out to work to earn a living, what are we working for? What do we do it for? Who are we doing it for! If it's money to buy things like holidays or gifts for people they are our motivation, we are working for them, our loved ones. If it is to make a difference in children's lives what use to them are we if we're exhausted, fuzzy headed, stressed and emotional?

So, to answer the question can a teacher ever have a work-life balance?....I'm inclined to say not if the prevailing message being conveyed during your training is one that tells you teaching comes first and family/personal life second. Until universities and schools tell students and teachers alike 'Your health NEEDS family and relaxation time and you SHOULDN'T be made to feel guilty about having it' there can be no balance. I could go into a lengthy diatribe about university lecturers using positive modelling (you know, like they told us trainees to use with our class) or I could mention Ofsted and Michael Gove's penchant for only providing negative feedback despite research stating this causes students (of any age) to shut down and disengage. But I don't have the time because I took the time to blog and now I've got to claw back the hour or so I spent doing that because I feel guilty it wasn't time spent planning lessons and I'm obviously not working hard enough if I've time to blog.

A Weighty Issue

Like a vast number of women out there I'm concerned (and fed up and frustrated) about my weight, in a nutshell I'm far heavier and softer than I'd like to be. I don't really understand why, I go to the gym 3 - 5 times a week and I mix everything up with weights, resistance training and cardio, plus I eat a healthy fibre rich diet and don't snack. And I'm still not what I would call slim...let me give you a few digits, I'm .....

36 years old
5ft or 152.4cm
8 st 9 lbs or 55 kg or 121.3 lbs
BMI 24.78 (normal)
Dress size (UK) 10, (European) 38, (US) 4 or 6

And STILL I'm not happy.

So what's the problem? Have I been comparing myself to others? Well, yes and no and a couple of other things in between those answers.

A couple of years ago those digits were different...and I was happier.

Surely my preoccupation should be with being healthy not slim or having the perfect body? What even is the perfect body and according to whom? And who are they to judge or decide what and whom has the perfect body? I'm not attacking anyone or looking to blame anyone, I'm genuinely curious. When and why did we as a society become so fixated on being slim? Why are so many women's, myself included, self esteem entwined with the number on the scales, the reflection in the mirror, the size label on our clothes and the label slim? Where has this fixation come from?

My psoriasis is virtual nonexistent, I have a few stubborn patches that refuse to disappear but that's no surprise because it is MY body we're talking about after all. Yet, that doesn't appease my vanity and boost my self esteem when it really should considering I have been a psoriasis sufferer for over 20 years and no amount of both prescribed and holistic lotions and potions have done that job.

My mum raised me with a great deal of love and she was always telling us girls that we could be and do anything we wanted, our looks and figures did not validate us as women, as human beings. I don't buy women's magazines being a firm believer my IQ drops by about 100 every time I do, so I'm unable to blame them for a negative body image and a preoccupation with being beautiful and slim. Which leaves the question, if I had a balanced, supportive, encouraging and empowering upbringing....why am I still governed by my appearance? And more importantly, if I as a 36 year old woman who hasn't been raised in a MTV era, encouraged to follow and emulate celebrity lifestyles, bombarded with airbrushed images of women and have still developed a sense of physical inadequacy, what chance do future generations of young girls have??

Censorship and Freedom of Speech: Binary Opposites

The last six months have been a whirlwind for me: moving house, finding work, negotiating cliques, making friends, sussing people out and keeping one eye on my marriage. And I didn't think I could multitask!

What struck me this morning, while I sat in my pjs avoiding housework and planning for next week, was the amount of censorship I have, we have, in an age of freedom of speech. Just how free are we to air our opinions and feelings? If I think about it...not really. Or if we are, we have to be very selective as to where, when and to whom we allow ourselves the space to process life's events.

Technological advances have provided us with a host of ways to communicate with each other, time and distance is no longer the great divider it once was. However, it comes at a price. Today more than ever we're restricted in ways it's hard to fathom and untangle, we're not afforded the opportunity to say things in the heat of the moment because we could be sued. This happens more often than we'd like to acknowledge because despite the technological advances in communication, we don't like to hear the truth especially if it's unflattering. Feelings and anger and frustration must be suppressed until the right forum has been found, studied, vetted and ruled as 'safe'. Or paid for in the medium of a therapist.

So when faced with things I'd like to vent and process, work related things, I wonder where, when and to whom I can gain the help I need to process these things. I will do my usual and take my issues to the gym, the punch bag in particular, but will that be enough? Will pounding the bag be sufficient to unleash my frustration, anger, disappointment, resentment, disgust and confusion and also provide enough serenity to get me through to half term?

The jury is still out on that one, so I'll let you know.

Wednesday Wonderings

I'm fairly certain I haven't yet posted one of these post this year, so in light of this oversight here you go...

I've been contemplating, on my drives to work, what the Queen keeps in her handbag? A very interesting and worthwhile question to ponder if you consider she surely doesn't need money, so she won't carry a purse and I think she would think chewing gum is vulgar. Perhaps a packet of tissues, no a handkerchief surely!

Is there a link between hormones and bad driving? I'm not referring to road rage but rather my inability to think 'sensibly' and not park like an idiot? Probably.

Why am I avoiding writing my personal statement? Or, what is it about writing a personal statement which terrifies me and therefore allows me to stall doing it thus leaving me in the position of not being able to apply for jobs?

When will be grown up enough to realise I can't go through life avoiding the things I'm scared of, or the things I dislike and the things that I find hard?

Where am I going to find the energy for circuit training this evening? Probably not in the peanut butter on toast I just scoffed. Meh. At least it wasn't the jar of Nutella with a spoon.

Will this year get better for me in terms of my health? In the last month alone I've torn my calf muscle and rolled from a throat infection to the flu.

Would it be entirely frowned upon to spray children with some kind of disinfectant spray as they enter the classroom? Or, for that matter, to ask for my own decontamination unit?

Am I right to be concerned that with all the modern technology children have access to there is going to be a move away from handwriting and therefore a decline in penmanship?

What should I make of the fact that 2 people have now commented 'Hannah' in Girls and I share many similarities and characteristics?