Retreat!

If you're hearing the sound of ringing alarms that would be the sound of me running in hasty retreat from everything...

From the overbearing attention seeking vanity flirting of L's sister now that our friend C has joined us in LA for a few days.

From my father in law's grumpy petulance that is about as welcoming as a bully.

From the new course wiki - that I've had to join - conversations (not joined those) where the posters are competing to see who has been out of education the longest and is therefore THE MOST NERVOUS.

Yep. I think today is a good day to retreat into my own little world.

In Memory of Ann Clare Smisek

Dear Ann,

Wow. I am utterly stunned that you are gone. I can't believe that I am never going to see you again, it all feels...surreal, like a bad dream that if I just shake myself or tell myself to wake up I can free myself from it. I wish it were so. I feel at a total loss, like the rug has been pulled out from underneath me. I'm struggling to understand what your absence means to me and so many others.

There is an ache in the centre of my chest knowing I am never going to see your smiling face again, or hear the infectious sound of your laughter, or feel awed by the wealth of your knowledge and the extent of your kindness. You have always been my fountain of knowledge, the one person I knew who I could turn to for academic guidance and help with my research - your assistance with my Masters dissertation was invaluable, without you I wouldn't have known where to start.

I have never known a woman as kind, generous, forgiving, self-sacrificing and as amazing as you. I feel honoured and privileged to have known you and to have been so warmly accepted in to your intimate circle of family and friends. When I think of you I remember you playfully flicking water at us from the birdbath in your garden, I remember your mouthwatering mashed patoto, I remember you taking Luke and I to the Hollywood Bowl to experience the Tchaikovsky Spectacular with Fireworks in August (which was awesome), I remember you hosting my birthday dinner, I remember the generous wedding gift Dick and yourself gave Luke and I...when I think of you happy memories clamour for attention and I smile.

The loss of you has touched me deeply and I grieve for the space in my life that you once filled. The world is already a much darker, colder and unfriendly place without you in it.

Ann, you have been and will always be loved, envied, regarded as intensely inspiring and you will be sorely missed. Thank you for the love, laughter and happiness that you gave me in the time that I knew you. To know you is to love you and I miss you already.

May you rest in peace Ann Clare Smisek and know we will do the best that we can to be there for those that will miss you most - your loving family.

Love you, love me.

Natasha

Day 16 Someone or Something You Definitely Could Live Without.

I could most definitely live without doubt.

Its dark and insidious and like a cancer. Once it infects one part of your life it spreads to all areas. I hate it.

From doubt comes confusion, indecision, fear, insomnia, and withdrawal.

I can live with a degree of confusion, indecision, insomnia and with withdrawal. I can even live with fear because it can spur you on and give you just the right kick up the backside to get moving but doubt...it undermines everything and constantly living with it is exhausting.