With seven weeks to go as an NQT and working with the very special children I do I'm starting to wrap things up emotionally, assigning my own closure.
You've heard me talk once or twice about my father, I don't like to talk about him very often not only because it's a raw subject but also because I know it's one subject and matter I'm never going to get closure on. Not in any way that I can accept at any rate.
With Father's Day and my father-in-law's birthday coming up I found myself looking around me at the 'Father' model I had before me, sadly it was extremely negative. My own experiences with what a father is and does is jaded and skewed at best, dysfunctional and damaged at worst. When I look at the father figure the children I teach have...well, it almost makes me thankful for the one I had.
I sent my father-in-law a 'dad' birthday card with a flippant message inside about not having a dad of my own so I was adopting him, I even joked I was mostly house trained now and had a job so I earn my own pocket money, implying I shouldn't be too much of a burden. Is that what I think a dad is like? - someone who moans at you for your mess and how much money you ask for? The truth is I don't know. I don't know what it's like to have a dad or a father-daughter relationship.
What I have are vague memories of a scary grumpy man with no patience, who once or twice came to get me from school and might have brought my bike for me to ride or an ice cream to eat. The other memories I have are of the things he did post separation.
The thing is as much as I lament not knowing or experiencing so many things (dad taxi, bank of dad - apparently, in my mind - dad meeting boyfriends, dad pushing me on a swing or singing Frozen like the dad in the house at back of ours) I had a really strong mumma. I had a mumma that was my nurse, my confidant, my hairdresser, my judge and jury, my North Star, my moral compass, my father and my mumma.
Can't ask for more than that.
Friday, 29 May 2015
5 Things that tell me I'm DEFINITELY a teacher...
Somewhere along this year and my journey to becoming a qualified teacher I morphed into one all of my own accord. Sure I don't have that piece of paper (yet, 7 weeks to go whoop whoop!) that says I am but I know I'm a teacher.
1. I live out of my boot (trunk to my friends across the pond - hi Dawn! I'm waving fanatically) and it's full of essential teacher stuff. And not so essential stuff but random items that caught my imagination and made me excited.
2. Every holiday period I succumb to illness.
3. I use my teacher voice unwittingly all the time.
4. I red pen everything I see - L's CR reports, notice boards, T Shirts with writing on, menus, people's grammar...
5. Not that this is a factor for me but when it comes to choosing baby names you veto just about every one suggested to you because you've taught a child by that name.
Have a fun Friday!
1. I live out of my boot (trunk to my friends across the pond - hi Dawn! I'm waving fanatically) and it's full of essential teacher stuff. And not so essential stuff but random items that caught my imagination and made me excited.
2. Every holiday period I succumb to illness.
3. I use my teacher voice unwittingly all the time.
4. I red pen everything I see - L's CR reports, notice boards, T Shirts with writing on, menus, people's grammar...
5. Not that this is a factor for me but when it comes to choosing baby names you veto just about every one suggested to you because you've taught a child by that name.
Have a fun Friday!
Tuesday, 26 May 2015
Wishing my Life Away
I have literally rolled from one illness into another, first it was flu and I was bedridden for four days and now it's a hacking chesty cough with a raw throat.
Perhaps it's the illness or the fact on last Friday one of the children I work with risked the lives of all of us (2 adults and 1 other child) in the car numerous times on the journey back from our day out...but I find myself thinking longingly of our planned holiday to California. It's not for a couple of months but I can't wait.
Late breakfasts.
Sleeping in.
Fresh coffee at the breakfast bar.
Home cooked meals.
Beers at the local tap room.
Fresh sea food.
Warm weather.
Days at the beach.
Popcorn and the Hallmark channel.
Pumpkin Spice lattes.
Walks along the beach.
The sound of the waves.
*sigh*
Yup. Just wishing my life away.
Perhaps it's the illness or the fact on last Friday one of the children I work with risked the lives of all of us (2 adults and 1 other child) in the car numerous times on the journey back from our day out...but I find myself thinking longingly of our planned holiday to California. It's not for a couple of months but I can't wait.
Late breakfasts.
Sleeping in.
Fresh coffee at the breakfast bar.
Home cooked meals.
Beers at the local tap room.
Fresh sea food.
Warm weather.
Days at the beach.
Popcorn and the Hallmark channel.
Pumpkin Spice lattes.
Walks along the beach.
The sound of the waves.
*sigh*
Yup. Just wishing my life away.
Monday, 25 May 2015
Things That Amuse Me
Owing to the fact it has been months since I last posted you'd be forgiven for thinking I'd lost my voice, that however couldn't be further from the truth...my brain has been so chatty it's been deafening in my head.
I've got a number of 'issues' rolling around the inner sanctum of my mind but...they're for another day and another cup of coffee.
Today I want to take the time to focus on things that make me chuckle, or squeal like a guinea pig depending on who I am with.
1. Animal videos or pictures of our pets doing silly things, especially when they are wearing what I believe to be a sheepish look when caught.
2. People's ability to take statuses or picture posts out of context and be offended. Not everything is designed to offend and if whatever said/posted can be taken in two ways...I or a friend meant the one that didn't offend.
3. People in the gym feeling that if they arrived after you they can't leave before you.
4. Pictures on Pinterest of people's 'nailed it' cakes and only because my efforts at baking are never pretty. Taste good but never pretty and never ever look like the picture.
5. My attempts to be green fingered - just check my green waste bin for my latest efforts.
6. Any of the Despicable Me films, in particular Gru and Agnes's relationship.
7. Magpies. Now I know that seems odd considering they're largely viewed as birds of ill omen and generally as not very nice but just watch them next time....that bouncy sideways thing they do, the way they nestle together on cold days, the fact they are bolshy bullies...probably shouldn't find that last ins entertaining but I do.
8. My sewing attempts and the disparity between the expectation in my mind and reality of what I've produced.
9. My clumsiness. I try so hard to be coordinated and graceful but the fact remains I'm neither of these things even on a good day.
10. Taking part in a tough gym circuit, am always grinning from ear to ear.
I've got a number of 'issues' rolling around the inner sanctum of my mind but...they're for another day and another cup of coffee.
Today I want to take the time to focus on things that make me chuckle, or squeal like a guinea pig depending on who I am with.
1. Animal videos or pictures of our pets doing silly things, especially when they are wearing what I believe to be a sheepish look when caught.
2. People's ability to take statuses or picture posts out of context and be offended. Not everything is designed to offend and if whatever said/posted can be taken in two ways...I or a friend meant the one that didn't offend.
3. People in the gym feeling that if they arrived after you they can't leave before you.
4. Pictures on Pinterest of people's 'nailed it' cakes and only because my efforts at baking are never pretty. Taste good but never pretty and never ever look like the picture.
5. My attempts to be green fingered - just check my green waste bin for my latest efforts.
6. Any of the Despicable Me films, in particular Gru and Agnes's relationship.
7. Magpies. Now I know that seems odd considering they're largely viewed as birds of ill omen and generally as not very nice but just watch them next time....that bouncy sideways thing they do, the way they nestle together on cold days, the fact they are bolshy bullies...probably shouldn't find that last ins entertaining but I do.
8. My sewing attempts and the disparity between the expectation in my mind and reality of what I've produced.
9. My clumsiness. I try so hard to be coordinated and graceful but the fact remains I'm neither of these things even on a good day.
10. Taking part in a tough gym circuit, am always grinning from ear to ear.
Monday, 30 March 2015
Weighing the Truth
I sat across the table from them, cold yet sweating. I knew my time would come and that there would be questions that would need answering but forewarned wasn't automatically forearmed.
My defences we're in place and his disarming charm did little to reassure or lower my inhibitions.
I answered their questions truthfully with no embellishments and no agenda. It wasn't a pleasant experience.
I'm there for the better part of 3 hours, talking them through my day, giving them the bare facts and sticking to the question being asked.
The thing that has stuck with me the most...his comment that he's concerned I'm so focused on my class and my job I'm becoming 'entrenched' and he's worried about the pyschology impact this could have on me down the line...
I'm both stunned and not surprised at all.
He said it wasn't a criticism....but it feels like one, perhaps because it's true.
My defences we're in place and his disarming charm did little to reassure or lower my inhibitions.
I answered their questions truthfully with no embellishments and no agenda. It wasn't a pleasant experience.
I'm there for the better part of 3 hours, talking them through my day, giving them the bare facts and sticking to the question being asked.
The thing that has stuck with me the most...his comment that he's concerned I'm so focused on my class and my job I'm becoming 'entrenched' and he's worried about the pyschology impact this could have on me down the line...
I'm both stunned and not surprised at all.
He said it wasn't a criticism....but it feels like one, perhaps because it's true.
Monday, 23 March 2015
Trials Vs Triumps
Lately my life has felt like a series of trials in which I am just trying to make it through the week with my inner monologue in tact.
Today I failed.
First, I uncerimoniously told a packed staff meeting I wasn't onboard with a last minute activities week. Second, I told my pregnant TA maybe she shouldn't be in the classroom any more because every time she left it due to feeling vulnerable around our children she left the teacher she was working with also vulnerable. Third, I bluntly told the other NQT he had screwed up my evening with his last minute changes to the timetable.
Clearly the socially expected thing for me to do was smile sweetly and tell them all "No, it's fine, I'll make it work". Nah ahh.
But to end on a positive...whe I told a child last week that I didn't expect to have him direct that kind of language at me again (bitch, slut) and he said "ok" I took that as a triump.
Just managing my expectations there.
Today I failed.
First, I uncerimoniously told a packed staff meeting I wasn't onboard with a last minute activities week. Second, I told my pregnant TA maybe she shouldn't be in the classroom any more because every time she left it due to feeling vulnerable around our children she left the teacher she was working with also vulnerable. Third, I bluntly told the other NQT he had screwed up my evening with his last minute changes to the timetable.
Clearly the socially expected thing for me to do was smile sweetly and tell them all "No, it's fine, I'll make it work". Nah ahh.
But to end on a positive...whe I told a child last week that I didn't expect to have him direct that kind of language at me again (bitch, slut) and he said "ok" I took that as a triump.
Just managing my expectations there.
Sunday, 18 January 2015
Life is Short
Sometimes, just sometimes I wonder what it would be like to
pick an idea – just one – and to run with it.
Not have about dozen other ideas follow on from that one, not get so
excited and fired up by ALL the ideas that are shouting around your head and clammering
for attention, but you know – just have ONE idea.
Yeah, I wonder what that is like.
The older I get the more ideas and exciting projects I think
of and therefore want to experience. For
years I was afraid of change and didn’t like trying out new things, because new
things = potential failure. Now, I can’t
sit still. I don’t want to sit
still. I don’t want to do the same thing
over and over again. I don’t want to
still be in the same place one year from now.
Life is short and experiences fill it with a richness the
English language can’t even begin to encompass.
I hunger for more, there’s always something new to taste, to possess, to
create, to shape, to form, to give life to.
Life is short. Every
moment should be seized like it could be the last.
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