un|cer¦tain¦ty
[ʌnˈsəːt(ə)nti]
NOUN
the state of being uncertain:
"times of uncertainty and danger"
synonyms: unpredictability · unreliability · riskiness · chanciness · precariousness · unsureness · changeability · changeableness · variability · inconstancy · fitfulness · fickleness · unsureness · lack of certainty · indecision · irresolution · hesitancy · doubt · doubtfulness · wavering · vacillation · equivocation · vagueness · ambivalence · lack of conviction · disquiet · disquietude · wariness · chariness · scepticism · queries · questions · dubiety · incertitude · hesitancy · tentativeness · unsureness · lack of confidence · diffidence · doubtfulness · doubt (uncertainties)
something that is uncertain or that causes one to feel uncertain:
"financial uncertainties" synonyms: doubt · qualm · misgiving · apprehension · [More]
Pretty much sums up what's going on at the moment.
Tuesday, 25 October 2016
Thursday, 13 October 2016
To Accept It Is What It Is
Have you ever had a relationship which hasn't taken the shape you wanted? Have you ever had expectations for a relationship only to find no matter what your ideals they aren't being fulfilled?
I find myself in this exact situation and I wonder at what point I am just going to accept it for what it is and stop trying to shape it into something it isn't, and I dare say won't ever be, and save myself the heartache and disappointment.
This person and I have been in each other's lives for nearly twenty years, they have known me since I was a babe in the arms of mother and I am apart of their family, yet... We have no emotional connection and there is little affection between us.
We don't argue or fight but to not exchange hostile words doesn't mean we get on. Or have a relationship. To say we don't or haven't exchanged 'hostile words' is being liberal with the truth, there have been numerous occasions in which this person has flung barbed comments in my direction both one-on-one and in a public environment. I don't respond for varying reasons; my mumma didn't raise me to be spiteful or vindictive and the escalation of negativity would only cause heartache to many.
It makes me very disappointed that we don't share a bond, that we don't do the kind of things together I assumed, however wrongly because to assume is to make an Ass out of yoU and ME, that we would in our special relationship. It confuses me that I not only don't understand this person's cold demeanour and random acts of spitefulness, I also don't understand why after so many years of our relationship not meeting my expectations I still continue to hope it will.
If I'm thoughtful about the whole situation I find it is me that is at fault, it is me who is and has been trying to impose my 'idea' of how things ought to be on us. The reality is I should stop tormenting myself with what isn't and can never be and respect what we have. I ought to accept it is what it is. And move on.
I find myself in this exact situation and I wonder at what point I am just going to accept it for what it is and stop trying to shape it into something it isn't, and I dare say won't ever be, and save myself the heartache and disappointment.
This person and I have been in each other's lives for nearly twenty years, they have known me since I was a babe in the arms of mother and I am apart of their family, yet... We have no emotional connection and there is little affection between us.
We don't argue or fight but to not exchange hostile words doesn't mean we get on. Or have a relationship. To say we don't or haven't exchanged 'hostile words' is being liberal with the truth, there have been numerous occasions in which this person has flung barbed comments in my direction both one-on-one and in a public environment. I don't respond for varying reasons; my mumma didn't raise me to be spiteful or vindictive and the escalation of negativity would only cause heartache to many.
It makes me very disappointed that we don't share a bond, that we don't do the kind of things together I assumed, however wrongly because to assume is to make an Ass out of yoU and ME, that we would in our special relationship. It confuses me that I not only don't understand this person's cold demeanour and random acts of spitefulness, I also don't understand why after so many years of our relationship not meeting my expectations I still continue to hope it will.
If I'm thoughtful about the whole situation I find it is me that is at fault, it is me who is and has been trying to impose my 'idea' of how things ought to be on us. The reality is I should stop tormenting myself with what isn't and can never be and respect what we have. I ought to accept it is what it is. And move on.
Wednesday, 12 October 2016
Things That Happen When L Goes Away
L is away for the next two weeks fulfilling his work duties, I keep telling myself that since we'll be moving in the new year and it's going to be a regular occurrence again (that's different issue, sorry post, for another day) I'd better get used to it.
So as not to drown in my own misery I'd thought I'd keep this post lighthearted and let you in on what really happens whilst he's away...
1. I stay up passed my bedtime every night, obviously I tell him I am NOT doing this because it's a hell of a lot easier than explaining rubbish tv is fascinating.
2. I will eat an entire bag of sharing popcorn to myself in one sitting. At 111 calories per serving that's nearly 2,400 calories in a 'snack'. Have just literally put the bag out of reach!
3. I will get into my pjs as soon as I get home from work, when L is here he at least makes me wait until 18:00. Don't know why he bothers, it's not like we are expecting guests.
4. I will watch every z list celebrity film on the Hallmark channel I can find, if not that then Snapped or Fatal Vows. L seriously mocks me for this like Westerns and War films are sssoooo much more entertaining.
5. I will graze listlessly on just about everything and anything without really eating a whole proper meal, apparently when he goes away so does my ability to make a decision on what I fancy to eat. As a whole meal.
6. I will take 2 days to clean the house instead of the few hours it usually takes. I have to space these things out, you know, to stave off the boredom.
7. I will suddenly forget to pick up after myself and have a habit of 'shedding' clothes. This sounds worse than it actually is, by the I mean I will leave my dirty clothes in a heap on the floor either in the bedroom or bathroom and just not bring them down stairs straight away. It's that staving off boredom thing again. I promise. I will swear when L calls that I haven't turned into hurricane Catrina (his nickname, one of many for me) and am keeping the place neat and tidy.
8. I will snack on cheese and think this is an entirely appropriate snack as it's got calcium in it. I will pretend I haven't when he returns.
9. I will drag out an old teddy he got me about twelve years ago and sleep with it. I know, I know, I'm a 38 year old woman who sleeps with a bear.
10. I will not tell him that I miss him so he doesn't feel bad about leaving me.
Ten years dating (yes I know I take my time) plus eight years of marriage and my routine of bad habits when he goes way hasn't changed. I'm sure they're why he fell in love with me.
So as not to drown in my own misery I'd thought I'd keep this post lighthearted and let you in on what really happens whilst he's away...
1. I stay up passed my bedtime every night, obviously I tell him I am NOT doing this because it's a hell of a lot easier than explaining rubbish tv is fascinating.
2. I will eat an entire bag of sharing popcorn to myself in one sitting. At 111 calories per serving that's nearly 2,400 calories in a 'snack'. Have just literally put the bag out of reach!
3. I will get into my pjs as soon as I get home from work, when L is here he at least makes me wait until 18:00. Don't know why he bothers, it's not like we are expecting guests.
4. I will watch every z list celebrity film on the Hallmark channel I can find, if not that then Snapped or Fatal Vows. L seriously mocks me for this like Westerns and War films are sssoooo much more entertaining.
5. I will graze listlessly on just about everything and anything without really eating a whole proper meal, apparently when he goes away so does my ability to make a decision on what I fancy to eat. As a whole meal.
6. I will take 2 days to clean the house instead of the few hours it usually takes. I have to space these things out, you know, to stave off the boredom.
7. I will suddenly forget to pick up after myself and have a habit of 'shedding' clothes. This sounds worse than it actually is, by the I mean I will leave my dirty clothes in a heap on the floor either in the bedroom or bathroom and just not bring them down stairs straight away. It's that staving off boredom thing again. I promise. I will swear when L calls that I haven't turned into hurricane Catrina (his nickname, one of many for me) and am keeping the place neat and tidy.
8. I will snack on cheese and think this is an entirely appropriate snack as it's got calcium in it. I will pretend I haven't when he returns.
9. I will drag out an old teddy he got me about twelve years ago and sleep with it. I know, I know, I'm a 38 year old woman who sleeps with a bear.
10. I will not tell him that I miss him so he doesn't feel bad about leaving me.
Ten years dating (yes I know I take my time) plus eight years of marriage and my routine of bad habits when he goes way hasn't changed. I'm sure they're why he fell in love with me.
Wednesday Wonderings
It has indeed been a while since I knocked one of these up, I've been very busy this summer more or less living out of our car as L and I have been up and down England, and here, there and everywhere in Italy. It was almost a relief to start school and work again. Almost.
1. Why can't all the consultants at the supply agency I work for give clear information, you know like the postcode of where you're going, the year group, if there is planning... Apparently it's rocket science!
2. When should I decorate for Autumn? Part of me is itching to and the other part doesn't relish digging about in the cupboard under the stairs. There will be spiders and I will scream.
3. Why do I stay up and eat rubbish when L goes away? It's like I turn into a rebellious child! What do you mean LIKE, you do turn into a child!
4. Will I get that job of teaching 3 days a week for 6 weeks? You can but hope. And smile nicely, but don't show too much teeth, you look like you're snarling when you do that.
5. When will they change our windows and doors? Everyone is having them done where we live but I'd bet my last £10 that it won't be before we move and can therefore feel the benefit with a lower heating bill. Yeah, so that will be the day you move out!
6. Why are some people so doom and gloom? Sheesh! It's exhausting listening to their misery! Which is why you stop listening when they resist your attempts to cheer them up. You're nice like that.
7. Why does toast always land buttered side down when you drop it? Because it's the last slice and you really, really want it.
8. Why are my dreams so weird at the moment? I actualLy dreamt about having a temper tantrum over people not making enough fuss of me and my birthday! What a diva.
9. If I promise myself that I'll go to bed and try to sleep at a reasonable hour, will I actually do it? Not in this life time, apparently you like looking haggard.
10. Is there anything more despicable than football hooligans? Yes but it makes you sad to think of them, so don't.
11. What can you do with a child who kicks another child simply because they are in their way? Communicate with them, put consequences in place and repeat, repeat, repeat.
12. Will I ever stop jumping every time my phone lights up or vibrates in case it is a call for work from the agency? Probably not anytime soon.
13. Can I be more excited about my mumma coming to visit in a few weeks? Yes, but not too excited you might pee yourself, since going back to work and having to hold your bladder for hours at a time it's not as strong as it used to be.
14. Will L and I get the kind of house we've requested when we move? Truth is I'd be happy with any house as I know there are people the world over without one. Patience Natasha.
15. Where has my gym mojo gone? To the bottom of a crisp packet at a guess.
16. Am I seriously down to my last £40 in my account? Ah man! Yes, so get off the Internet and stop torturing yourself with what you can't have!
1. Why can't all the consultants at the supply agency I work for give clear information, you know like the postcode of where you're going, the year group, if there is planning... Apparently it's rocket science!
2. When should I decorate for Autumn? Part of me is itching to and the other part doesn't relish digging about in the cupboard under the stairs. There will be spiders and I will scream.
3. Why do I stay up and eat rubbish when L goes away? It's like I turn into a rebellious child! What do you mean LIKE, you do turn into a child!
4. Will I get that job of teaching 3 days a week for 6 weeks? You can but hope. And smile nicely, but don't show too much teeth, you look like you're snarling when you do that.
5. When will they change our windows and doors? Everyone is having them done where we live but I'd bet my last £10 that it won't be before we move and can therefore feel the benefit with a lower heating bill. Yeah, so that will be the day you move out!
6. Why are some people so doom and gloom? Sheesh! It's exhausting listening to their misery! Which is why you stop listening when they resist your attempts to cheer them up. You're nice like that.
7. Why does toast always land buttered side down when you drop it? Because it's the last slice and you really, really want it.
8. Why are my dreams so weird at the moment? I actualLy dreamt about having a temper tantrum over people not making enough fuss of me and my birthday! What a diva.
9. If I promise myself that I'll go to bed and try to sleep at a reasonable hour, will I actually do it? Not in this life time, apparently you like looking haggard.
10. Is there anything more despicable than football hooligans? Yes but it makes you sad to think of them, so don't.
11. What can you do with a child who kicks another child simply because they are in their way? Communicate with them, put consequences in place and repeat, repeat, repeat.
12. Will I ever stop jumping every time my phone lights up or vibrates in case it is a call for work from the agency? Probably not anytime soon.
13. Can I be more excited about my mumma coming to visit in a few weeks? Yes, but not too excited you might pee yourself, since going back to work and having to hold your bladder for hours at a time it's not as strong as it used to be.
14. Will L and I get the kind of house we've requested when we move? Truth is I'd be happy with any house as I know there are people the world over without one. Patience Natasha.
15. Where has my gym mojo gone? To the bottom of a crisp packet at a guess.
16. Am I seriously down to my last £40 in my account? Ah man! Yes, so get off the Internet and stop torturing yourself with what you can't have!
Thursday, 29 September 2016
One Strike and You're Out!
Supply teaching, like any job, can be absolutely amazing and have you skipping home on your toes, it can also give you the worst tension headache and have you repeatedly asking yourself why you put yourself through such stress for a wage packet.
Yesterday I experienced the latter.
I got a last minute shout to cover in the afternoon in a school I've not been to before. The brief was simple: year 6 or 3 (school haven't decided yet), French but no planning required as school have resources and a package they'd like you to follow. Brilliant, no problem at all. Except...no planning, two year 6 classes back to back, both of which who have had a different supply teacher for French since the start of term, no TA support, no information on the classes I was teaching (numbers, key personalities etc), it was a windy day, plus they'd had parents' morning and MacMillan Coffee Morning....it was awful! Truly terrible.
I had to interrupt their class teacher's PPA, something I never do and have never done before, knowing full well how precious uninterrupted PPA time is.
The class TA tried her best to reassure me that they were usually a good class...but I'm not and indeed wasn't, convinced.
I rarely do this but that school is one school on my strike list, I will be thinking long and hard before I take another booking there. Harsh? Perhaps to some but if I compare the school to the many others I've been in and I think about the fact they've had different supply each week, I'm not sure the whole error lies in the brief from the agency. Plus, I'm mindful of the class TA's comments later concerning the habitual behaviour from the very children I had issues with. Either which way I count myself extremely lucky that I'm able to be in the position as a supply teacher in which I can take control of my working conditions.
Maybe not quite one strike and you're out but almost there....
Yesterday I experienced the latter.
I got a last minute shout to cover in the afternoon in a school I've not been to before. The brief was simple: year 6 or 3 (school haven't decided yet), French but no planning required as school have resources and a package they'd like you to follow. Brilliant, no problem at all. Except...no planning, two year 6 classes back to back, both of which who have had a different supply teacher for French since the start of term, no TA support, no information on the classes I was teaching (numbers, key personalities etc), it was a windy day, plus they'd had parents' morning and MacMillan Coffee Morning....it was awful! Truly terrible.
I had to interrupt their class teacher's PPA, something I never do and have never done before, knowing full well how precious uninterrupted PPA time is.
The class TA tried her best to reassure me that they were usually a good class...but I'm not and indeed wasn't, convinced.
I rarely do this but that school is one school on my strike list, I will be thinking long and hard before I take another booking there. Harsh? Perhaps to some but if I compare the school to the many others I've been in and I think about the fact they've had different supply each week, I'm not sure the whole error lies in the brief from the agency. Plus, I'm mindful of the class TA's comments later concerning the habitual behaviour from the very children I had issues with. Either which way I count myself extremely lucky that I'm able to be in the position as a supply teacher in which I can take control of my working conditions.
Maybe not quite one strike and you're out but almost there....
Monday, 22 August 2016
Therapy
These...
Are my therapy. They have got me through some tough times, some dark times and times I still can't talk about without it hurting.
They've got me through L's numerous deployments.
They've got me through the stress of moving house. More than once. With another to come within 6 months.
They've got me through anxiety (and continue to do so).
They've got me through depression.
They've got me through a number of disagreements with loved ones.
They've got me through finding a lump in my breast and getting the all clear.
They've got me through my Masters in English Literature.
They've got me through my PGCE, my first year supply teaching, my NQT year and my second year supply teaching.
They've got me through a Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome diagnosis.
They've got me (and again, continue to get me) through the frustration of managing my psoriasis.
They've got me through the death of a friend.
I find it hard to talk, to open up to people and to let them in. I can't deal with being vulnerable. Yet, those items that I so often take for granted, that I pick up, sling in a bag and carry with me have been my therapy, been the way I have got, and continue to get through, so many of the trials life slings my way.
The mileage on them is more than geographical.
Are my therapy. They have got me through some tough times, some dark times and times I still can't talk about without it hurting.
They've got me through L's numerous deployments.
They've got me through the stress of moving house. More than once. With another to come within 6 months.
They've got me through anxiety (and continue to do so).
They've got me through depression.
They've got me through a number of disagreements with loved ones.
They've got me through finding a lump in my breast and getting the all clear.
They've got me through my Masters in English Literature.
They've got me through my PGCE, my first year supply teaching, my NQT year and my second year supply teaching.
They've got me through a Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome diagnosis.
They've got me (and again, continue to get me) through the frustration of managing my psoriasis.
They've got me through the death of a friend.
I find it hard to talk, to open up to people and to let them in. I can't deal with being vulnerable. Yet, those items that I so often take for granted, that I pick up, sling in a bag and carry with me have been my therapy, been the way I have got, and continue to get through, so many of the trials life slings my way.
The mileage on them is more than geographical.
Sunday, 10 July 2016
I Couldn't Make This Stuff Up....
L was away on a stag weekend this weekend. As I've really been getting into reading again, have devoured two books in under a month, I'd planned on a really chilled weekend featuring nothing more strenuous than the third book in the series and the gym.
Friday night went just as planned, I shopped, came home, had a nice soak in the bath and read my book in bed. I was so rock and roll I passed out before 22:30. Yup, I know how to live it up!
Saturday I hit the gym and enjoyed the solitude of having it to myself, I sung and danced badly in between weight reps with no fear I'd be caught getting down with my bad self.
Saturday night...well that's another adventure. I stayed up late watching the first series of Mistresses, I know I know, what can I say, Nashville is taking an age to be released over here and I don't watch any other mindless programs (Grimm, We Bare Bears, The Big Bang and my current addiction to Snapped notwithstanding)
At midnight I dragged my sorry butt off the sofa and went upstairs to bed, I read for a while and that's when the excitement started.
The bedroom door was open and at first I thought I was seeing things when something black swooped passed, but then it came into my room and started flying in mad circles. A bat! I'm ashamed to say I screamed, flung back the duvet and crawled out the room. Naked. Obviously I messaged L and at first he didn't believe me, Imight do have an overactive imagination and a tendency to convince myself things are a great deal more exciting than they are. Think Chicken Licken.
When I worked up the courage to go back in there I put a towel over my head so it wouldn't get stuck in my Helene Bonham Carter-esq hair, am still naked, obviously, I mean why wouldn't be?! I ran in opened both windows, threw back the curtains, still naked with a towel on my head at this point and looking nothing like the erotic dance of the seven veils. Anyway, I snatched the duvet and my kindle up (because that kindle is a must when you're being attacked by a bat whilst naked with a towel on your head), my pjs (bit of an after thought at this point, I've already stood at the window with the towel over my head and the light on for all the neighbours to witness my dramatics), turned the light off and ran from the room slamming the door behind me. Courage has nothing on me.
Convinced another bat would come looking for his friend, now you get the Chicken Licken bit, I refused to sleep upstairs where the windows were open. I spent a cramped night trying to get some rest on our leather sofa. I have heat rash on my right foot and nice dark circles under my eyes for my stubbornness and overactive imagination.
Brilliant! I swear I couldn't make this stuff up!
Friday night went just as planned, I shopped, came home, had a nice soak in the bath and read my book in bed. I was so rock and roll I passed out before 22:30. Yup, I know how to live it up!
Saturday I hit the gym and enjoyed the solitude of having it to myself, I sung and danced badly in between weight reps with no fear I'd be caught getting down with my bad self.
Saturday night...well that's another adventure. I stayed up late watching the first series of Mistresses, I know I know, what can I say, Nashville is taking an age to be released over here and I don't watch any other mindless programs (Grimm, We Bare Bears, The Big Bang and my current addiction to Snapped notwithstanding)
At midnight I dragged my sorry butt off the sofa and went upstairs to bed, I read for a while and that's when the excitement started.
The bedroom door was open and at first I thought I was seeing things when something black swooped passed, but then it came into my room and started flying in mad circles. A bat! I'm ashamed to say I screamed, flung back the duvet and crawled out the room. Naked. Obviously I messaged L and at first he didn't believe me, I
When I worked up the courage to go back in there I put a towel over my head so it wouldn't get stuck in my Helene Bonham Carter-esq hair, am still naked, obviously, I mean why wouldn't be?! I ran in opened both windows, threw back the curtains, still naked with a towel on my head at this point and looking nothing like the erotic dance of the seven veils. Anyway, I snatched the duvet and my kindle up (because that kindle is a must when you're being attacked by a bat whilst naked with a towel on your head), my pjs (bit of an after thought at this point, I've already stood at the window with the towel over my head and the light on for all the neighbours to witness my dramatics), turned the light off and ran from the room slamming the door behind me. Courage has nothing on me.
Convinced another bat would come looking for his friend, now you get the Chicken Licken bit, I refused to sleep upstairs where the windows were open. I spent a cramped night trying to get some rest on our leather sofa. I have heat rash on my right foot and nice dark circles under my eyes for my stubbornness and overactive imagination.
Brilliant! I swear I couldn't make this stuff up!
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