Dear Electricity Company,
While I appreciate that some 'emergency work' is legitimate and doesn't give you any warning as to when it needs to be carried out - yup the clue was in the word 'emergency' - but have ALL the power cuts we've had recently really been because of emergency work??? I'm not convinced.
Also, do you think that you could carry out this emergency work in summer when my house isn't freezing and I have a BBQ that I can use to make myself some dinner?
Your loyal customer.
Dear you-know-who,
Please stop playing the part of the victim and painting me as a bad friend to other people, we both know that is far from the truth.
Yes I am pissed, no I don't want to hear your excuses that I make you feel like I don't care - there are only so many ways that I can phrase the advice you keep asking for no matter often you ask or how you ask. The fact remains my answer will be the same regardless.
Your not so impressed and very mad friend,
Dear next door's cat,
Please yack on your own stairs and not mine. I am a little accident prone and would just like to avoid skidding on it and landing on my butt in afore mentioned yack.
Your cat-friendly neighbour,
Dear chocolate in the garage,
Please could you stop your siren like calling to me? I am on a diet - well okay not a diet so much as trying not to eat bad food - and I'm finding it extremely hard to block out your alluring singing.
I appreciate that you're feeling incredibly unloved, especially if I remember that when L was away we spent many nights tucked up in a blanket on the sofa watching bad TV together. I will never forget how many times you have been there for me; you've comforted me when I've been upset and crying, you've cheered me up when I've had a bad day at work, you've accompanied me to the cinema, you calmed me down when I was stressed during my Masters and you've sat on the sofa to watch inane TV when I've been anti-social. You've no idea just how thankful I am for every single one of those times when you were there for me...but right now we just can't be together. I'm sorry.
I promise that this is not the end of our love affair but rather just some needed time apart.
Your loving and sad best friend,
Thursday, 17 February 2011
Wednesday, 16 February 2011
Wednesday Wonderings
Hhhmm feeling a lot like I have very little patience and too much to do today I'm going to skip the wordy intro and just say these are the things I've been wondering about...
Why women like to gossip and add their own spin on things? Because they have too much time on their hands and not enough forethought, common sense, intelligence etc... if I had to guess and be nice about it Tash.
When it is going to stop raining and we can expect the weather to be a little warmer.
Where I was when Mother Nature was giving out 'muscle memory' My muscles only seem to 'remember' to hurt regardless of how much I work out and attempt to have it get used to working out.
Why L thinks it’s funny to walk through the front door and ask 'Where's my dinner?' You'd think my death stares would be enough of a clue that I don't find it funny at all and never will.
What goes on in my head to make me have the random nightmares that I do...I mean psychopath clowns, sun burn, being chased, being naked in public, being on roller coasters, drowning or tidal waves, various parts of my body being too big, being a man and a mercenary and on the run...the first one I get, they did make a film with a scary clown in it but the others...you're just weird!!
Why my future God Son goes to sleep pretty much as soon as I pick him up, am I THAT interesting or just that comfortable??
How and where you get 1/2 an egg from? I made some cookies from one of those recipes in a jar thingys and it called for 1 1/2 eggs? I'd like to see the hen that can manage that. No you wouldn't Tash, it would give you nightmares.
Why some people ask for advice i.e. what you would do in a certain situation when what they are really looking for is a very particular answer and only that answer. Surely they should just do what they want to do and have done with it? You'd think Tash, but then they'd miss the chance that you might just do whatever it is for them and save them the bother.
Why people do empty gestures and by that I mean say things like 'We should get to together for coffee' when they really don't want to get together for coffee? Not only am I big girl and can take it that they don't really want to have a coffee with me but also my tight smile and silence should be a good indication that I don't want to come either. When did lying become the epitome of social etiquette?
Tuesday, 15 February 2011
Hermits, Imaginary Friends and Same Differences
L tells me that I don't mix well with other children, which is his way of saying that I'm a little anti-social but I disagree - surprise! - I prefer to think of it as being choosy about whom I am friends with.
The other wives where we live often invite me out drinking and I make excuses; I have family down to visit (I did...once) 'I'm away that weekend visiting family' (this was also true...okay also only once!) 'I won't be here then, we're flying to the states on the ...' (insert whatever date - oo this ONE has been valid more than once!) 'I'd loved you but I have a cold' (I really did have one) ...and the excuses ran out. So last Friday I joined the ladies on a night out.
It wasn't a complete disaster but I wasn't particularly comfortable all night either. The 2 beers, 5 vodka and diet cokes and 4 shots helped to relax me a little but I still didn't feel at ease with these other women and here's why...
1. I was seriously under dressed in jeans, a black fitted shirt and tan healed boots compared to the other ladies . Everyone else wore slinky dresses, sky scrapper shoes, lots of black eyeliner and glam sparkly eyeshadow and false eyes lashes.
2. I do not have any children and so couldn't swap 'I'm so glad to be out and to have some time to myself away from the kids' stories.
3. I do not enjoy getting inebriated - yes I know the amount I drank would be beg to differ but...okay no buts. I drank too much.
And saving the best till last these will either make you laugh or pity me immensely...
4. I've spent the last 6-7 years being entirely focused on finding out what I want to be when I grow up and paving the road toward this...so I haven't had time to socialise and get drunk. I've been far too busy and far too focused. Besides, I did all the going out and getting incredibly drunk in my late teens and early twenties, so...well boring! Unless its with Trish.
5. I wasn't out with Trish so I wasn't relaxed, comfortable and therefore really just looking for the earliest and least obvious time that I could go home. Yes it really did take THAT long that I had to consume all those drinks!!
6. I like my own company. I'm happy to sit in and watch something on TV or happier still to get into a good book or to just hang out...Or doing what I refer to as working which is analysing books, characters, plots, and helping others write short stories.
Regardless of the amount that I had to drink one thing struck me about the conversations I had with these ladies...every one of them said they felt like they were struggling to find themselves, felt isolated and different to other wives/women. It was listening to them that made me realise that I'm not struggling to find myself any more, that I don't feel isolated and I'm not so different but just different enough as to be individual and happy with it.
I know to the outside world it can seem that if I were any more reclusive I'd be a hermit...or fall into the space dedicated to imaginary friends/wife...but I'm okay with that. More than being okay I'm happy with it and I wouldn't change a thing.
The other wives where we live often invite me out drinking and I make excuses; I have family down to visit (I did...once) 'I'm away that weekend visiting family' (this was also true...okay also only once!) 'I won't be here then, we're flying to the states on the ...' (insert whatever date - oo this ONE has been valid more than once!) 'I'd loved you but I have a cold' (I really did have one) ...and the excuses ran out. So last Friday I joined the ladies on a night out.
It wasn't a complete disaster but I wasn't particularly comfortable all night either. The 2 beers, 5 vodka and diet cokes and 4 shots helped to relax me a little but I still didn't feel at ease with these other women and here's why...
1. I was seriously under dressed in jeans, a black fitted shirt and tan healed boots compared to the other ladies . Everyone else wore slinky dresses, sky scrapper shoes, lots of black eyeliner and glam sparkly eyeshadow and false eyes lashes.
2. I do not have any children and so couldn't swap 'I'm so glad to be out and to have some time to myself away from the kids' stories.
3. I do not enjoy getting inebriated - yes I know the amount I drank would be beg to differ but...okay no buts. I drank too much.
And saving the best till last these will either make you laugh or pity me immensely...
4. I've spent the last 6-7 years being entirely focused on finding out what I want to be when I grow up and paving the road toward this...so I haven't had time to socialise and get drunk. I've been far too busy and far too focused. Besides, I did all the going out and getting incredibly drunk in my late teens and early twenties, so...well boring! Unless its with Trish.
5. I wasn't out with Trish so I wasn't relaxed, comfortable and therefore really just looking for the earliest and least obvious time that I could go home. Yes it really did take THAT long that I had to consume all those drinks!!
6. I like my own company. I'm happy to sit in and watch something on TV or happier still to get into a good book or to just hang out...Or doing what I refer to as working which is analysing books, characters, plots, and helping others write short stories.
Regardless of the amount that I had to drink one thing struck me about the conversations I had with these ladies...every one of them said they felt like they were struggling to find themselves, felt isolated and different to other wives/women. It was listening to them that made me realise that I'm not struggling to find myself any more, that I don't feel isolated and I'm not so different but just different enough as to be individual and happy with it.
I know to the outside world it can seem that if I were any more reclusive I'd be a hermit...or fall into the space dedicated to imaginary friends/wife...but I'm okay with that. More than being okay I'm happy with it and I wouldn't change a thing.
Thursday, 10 February 2011
Dear sense of humour,
I know this is stating the obvious but I'm going to just say it and get it over and done with...we both know we've seen some incredibly dark days over the past few years. There have been times when we laughed but without real heartfelt humour, times when we laughed to hide the tears and times when we laughed because we were at a loss as to what else to do.
In light of that I would just like to take this opportunity to thank you for staying so faithfully by my side when all else - patience, will power, motivation, libido, sleep, sense of security etc - have taken themselves off on sabbatical. You have no idea how much I appreciate you sticking around and teaming up with sarcasm to at least help a ghost of a smile grace my lips.
You truly are one in a million and I will never again think of you as dark and twisted and just a little bit sick.
Yours thankfully,
Tasha xx
ps I enjoyed this post so much I might it a regular one. Thanking inanimate objects and people for things. Hhhmmm food for thought.
In light of that I would just like to take this opportunity to thank you for staying so faithfully by my side when all else - patience, will power, motivation, libido, sleep, sense of security etc - have taken themselves off on sabbatical. You have no idea how much I appreciate you sticking around and teaming up with sarcasm to at least help a ghost of a smile grace my lips.
You truly are one in a million and I will never again think of you as dark and twisted and just a little bit sick.
Yours thankfully,
Tasha xx
ps I enjoyed this post so much I might it a regular one. Thanking inanimate objects and people for things. Hhhmmm food for thought.
Wednesday, 9 February 2011
Wednesday Wonderings
I know, its been a while since you've seen one of these, what can I say I've been busy. Not sure doing what exactly, but am pretty sure it was important at the time... Yup that's my story and I'm sticking to it.
During my not-so busy times I've been giving considerable thought to the following;
What goes on in my friend's 3 year old H's head - she is always running around the place, is addicted to ABBA and is the most amazing little firework that I've ever met. She stole a piece of my heart the moment she came out of her shell in front of me. Even if she does more often than not of late tell me she hates me.
How you explain to a 3 year old - H again - that her dog Bella the Boxer has died because she was far too poorly for the vet to help her. How do you tell her that she is never going to see her again and explain why she can't pick her up from the vets, or that the reason she isn't coming home isn't because she didn't love her.
What happens to my hair - every day - to make me look like something the cat dragged in via the rose bush before manipulating me through the cat flap. Yesterday my friend K pulled no less than 3 leaves, a twig and a feather out of it. Attractive.
If Jack Black can play any other character than Jack Black.
Why I didn't get any chocolate for Christmas. I always get chocolate for Christmas, what else am I meant to have for breakfast as I open my other presents. Honestly! What were my family thinking not getting me chocolate....so unfair. Guess I'll have to make do with the Turkish Delight.
What other women see as entertaining or enthralling by Sex and the City or reality tv for that matter. I've tried watching it...and I get nothing.
Why I seem to be the only woman in the world who wouldn't attempt to dry hump Brad Pitt's leg if I saw him in person. I've seen back end of buses that I think are more sexually appealing. Seriously. He is NOT good looking. Yuck.
Why when kids are involved nothing ever takes 5 minutes.
Why the best made plans never go according to plan.
Why people say such useful things like 'It'll all work out for the best' or 'What will be, will be' or 'Its in the past and doesn't matter now' when you're in need of advice or comfort. Lets just clear up any ambiguity here - sayings like the above aren't wise, insightful or helpful or even comforting, they are down right annoying, pointless and just a tad violence inducing. And b-r-e-a-t-h Natasha.
Why next door's cat feels the need to mutilate birds in my garden, he does have his own perfectly good well manicured and beautifully tended garden just a leap over the fence he could use.
Why its easier to talk to strangers about personal stuff. Probably because you make sure never to see or talk to them again after. Yeah that would be it.
Why chavs have to play the radio/stereo so loud in their cars? If I were driving what they are...I wouldn't be drawing attention to myself. Oh and why do they have such DIRE taste in music too? Ooo that would be me showing my age then. Good to know.
Why I bothered to work out and exercise yesterday when all I did after was sit on the sofa and eat Turkish Delight and Pita Chips...because you have the will power of a sack of potatoes and you felt like it. But only if I had to guess.
Where this habit of talking - and answering - myself came from.
During my not-so busy times I've been giving considerable thought to the following;
What goes on in my friend's 3 year old H's head - she is always running around the place, is addicted to ABBA and is the most amazing little firework that I've ever met. She stole a piece of my heart the moment she came out of her shell in front of me. Even if she does more often than not of late tell me she hates me.
How you explain to a 3 year old - H again - that her dog Bella the Boxer has died because she was far too poorly for the vet to help her. How do you tell her that she is never going to see her again and explain why she can't pick her up from the vets, or that the reason she isn't coming home isn't because she didn't love her.
What happens to my hair - every day - to make me look like something the cat dragged in via the rose bush before manipulating me through the cat flap. Yesterday my friend K pulled no less than 3 leaves, a twig and a feather out of it. Attractive.
If Jack Black can play any other character than Jack Black.
Why I didn't get any chocolate for Christmas. I always get chocolate for Christmas, what else am I meant to have for breakfast as I open my other presents. Honestly! What were my family thinking not getting me chocolate....so unfair. Guess I'll have to make do with the Turkish Delight.
What other women see as entertaining or enthralling by Sex and the City or reality tv for that matter. I've tried watching it...and I get nothing.
Why I seem to be the only woman in the world who wouldn't attempt to dry hump Brad Pitt's leg if I saw him in person. I've seen back end of buses that I think are more sexually appealing. Seriously. He is NOT good looking. Yuck.
Why when kids are involved nothing ever takes 5 minutes.
Why the best made plans never go according to plan.
Why people say such useful things like 'It'll all work out for the best' or 'What will be, will be' or 'Its in the past and doesn't matter now' when you're in need of advice or comfort. Lets just clear up any ambiguity here - sayings like the above aren't wise, insightful or helpful or even comforting, they are down right annoying, pointless and just a tad violence inducing. And b-r-e-a-t-h Natasha.
Why next door's cat feels the need to mutilate birds in my garden, he does have his own perfectly good well manicured and beautifully tended garden just a leap over the fence he could use.
Why its easier to talk to strangers about personal stuff. Probably because you make sure never to see or talk to them again after. Yeah that would be it.
Why chavs have to play the radio/stereo so loud in their cars? If I were driving what they are...I wouldn't be drawing attention to myself. Oh and why do they have such DIRE taste in music too? Ooo that would be me showing my age then. Good to know.
Why I bothered to work out and exercise yesterday when all I did after was sit on the sofa and eat Turkish Delight and Pita Chips...because you have the will power of a sack of potatoes and you felt like it. But only if I had to guess.
Where this habit of talking - and answering - myself came from.
Tuesday, 8 February 2011
Poor Judgements, Friends and the Little Voice Inside
I've come to realise that I am no longer a good judge of character.
I've never been one to make snap decisions when I first meet a person, in fact it is very rare for my instincts to scream or poke at me that there is something amiss with that person when I do.
Usually what happens is that my brow furrows and a little voice inside whispers to me that it 'isn't sure' about that person, that there is 'something about them that bothers' it, something that it 'can't put its finger on' but they should be 'kept at arms length.'
Yes I know how crazy it sounds to say that my instincts or subconscious talk to me, I can't however, think of another way of explaining it. I just know that somewhere inside of me is a voice that talks to me when I'm faced with a decision, its calm, collected and reasonable and lets me know when I'm on the right path or about to make a mistake.
Oh and it also berates, lectures, laughs and is sarcastic when I'm being precious or am peeved with life. I guess I can't have it both ways.
Recently I've been forced to accept that my choice of friends or my opinion of them has been...off. I have been made to see that some people, who I had previously liked and thought well of, are not at all who them seemed to be. They have presented themselves as one thing, saying and behaving in a nice, friendly and open manner only to reveal themselves to be...conniving, manipulating and lying individuals. I am disappointed in myself for my poor judgement.
Another 'friend' I have led me to believe that she was reliable, dependable and honest but again has proved to be otherwise. She will make dates and plans with me but often fail to turn up or keep them with no word of explanation or apology. Yet, I am expected to be sympathetic, empathetic and there for her unconditionally. I listen and give advice when it is needed and asked for ...but often she doesn't want to hear what I have to say; she wants me to do it for her. She wants an easy ride because she doesn't want to have to stand up for herself. Again I am disappointed with myself for my poor judgement.
Oh well, you live and learn I suppose.
I've never been one to make snap decisions when I first meet a person, in fact it is very rare for my instincts to scream or poke at me that there is something amiss with that person when I do.
Usually what happens is that my brow furrows and a little voice inside whispers to me that it 'isn't sure' about that person, that there is 'something about them that bothers' it, something that it 'can't put its finger on' but they should be 'kept at arms length.'
Yes I know how crazy it sounds to say that my instincts or subconscious talk to me, I can't however, think of another way of explaining it. I just know that somewhere inside of me is a voice that talks to me when I'm faced with a decision, its calm, collected and reasonable and lets me know when I'm on the right path or about to make a mistake.
Oh and it also berates, lectures, laughs and is sarcastic when I'm being precious or am peeved with life. I guess I can't have it both ways.
Recently I've been forced to accept that my choice of friends or my opinion of them has been...off. I have been made to see that some people, who I had previously liked and thought well of, are not at all who them seemed to be. They have presented themselves as one thing, saying and behaving in a nice, friendly and open manner only to reveal themselves to be...conniving, manipulating and lying individuals. I am disappointed in myself for my poor judgement.
Another 'friend' I have led me to believe that she was reliable, dependable and honest but again has proved to be otherwise. She will make dates and plans with me but often fail to turn up or keep them with no word of explanation or apology. Yet, I am expected to be sympathetic, empathetic and there for her unconditionally. I listen and give advice when it is needed and asked for ...but often she doesn't want to hear what I have to say; she wants me to do it for her. She wants an easy ride because she doesn't want to have to stand up for herself. Again I am disappointed with myself for my poor judgement.
Oh well, you live and learn I suppose.
Friday, 4 February 2011
Mute
Have you ever found yourself in a place - state of mind - that you just can't seem to get out of?
The thing is I've lost my voice. I've lost the ability to talk to people and get things off my chest. I don't trust any one any more, which is kind of a moot point because even if I did trust I still wouldn't talk ...I can't. I've lost my voice.
I don't know how to open up any more. I know holding things back creates a chasm between me and the people I love ...but...I still can't bring myself to say anything about the things that are upsetting me, the things that scare me, or the things that weigh heavy inside.
I want more than anything to be held and comforted and reassured. I need to hear that everything is going to be okay, that I've made the right choices and that I've haven't done anything wrong. I've tried taking the plunge and being honest but...the words won't come out. My tongue gets stuck to the roof of my mouth and the words, all the things that I need to say, get stuck in my throat.
I don't understand how I got here. I don't understand how I got to this place of needing closeness, of needing to reach out and be comforted yet unable to do so.
The thing is I've lost my voice. I've lost the ability to talk to people and get things off my chest. I don't trust any one any more, which is kind of a moot point because even if I did trust I still wouldn't talk ...I can't. I've lost my voice.
I don't know how to open up any more. I know holding things back creates a chasm between me and the people I love ...but...I still can't bring myself to say anything about the things that are upsetting me, the things that scare me, or the things that weigh heavy inside.
I want more than anything to be held and comforted and reassured. I need to hear that everything is going to be okay, that I've made the right choices and that I've haven't done anything wrong. I've tried taking the plunge and being honest but...the words won't come out. My tongue gets stuck to the roof of my mouth and the words, all the things that I need to say, get stuck in my throat.
I don't understand how I got here. I don't understand how I got to this place of needing closeness, of needing to reach out and be comforted yet unable to do so.
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