Things seem to come in waves...the grief, the anger, the disappointment, the acceptance. Sometimes they dance with each other, spinning and twirling and taking it in turns to lead in a Tango across my psyche.
It's been nearly 2 weeks since I elected to have SMM (surgically managed miscarriage). Miscarriage: A taboo subject or a topic fraught with emotionally motivated silences?
I'm slowly recovering from my missed miscarriage. Physically I recovered very quickly but nothing prepared me for the emotional journey it was going to take me on. I've moved from not wanting to talk about it, not wanting to talk at all to anyone really, to being able to tell some but only those I choose and when I choose. From this I've learnt people judge you, 2 people have 'judged' me on electing to have SMM and all I ask is...please don't judge me. Please don't judge anyone when it comes to dealing with a miscarriage.
My sister, T, has experienced 2 miscarriages herself and she confessed to a desire to 'write a paper about miscarriages because it is such a taboo subject'. I'm not sure that it is a taboo subject, I think I lean more toward the notion knowing how to respond is difficult and that makes it a not talked about subject. Everyone's experience of a miscarriage is different, both physically and emotionally, for some there is immense pain and lots of bleeding, for others no pain and lots of bleeding, for some no pain and no bleeding... It therefore stands to reason how a person processes and chooses to deal with their miscarriage is unique, is their journey to recovery.
I chose to have SMM over 'allowing my body to do what it's done naturally for thousands of years' rather than subject myself 'to the risks of uterus scarring and puncturing' to quote my sister because, simply put, I didn't have the emotional strength to go through another 2-3 weeks like the last week I'd gone through. I just couldn't do it.
So again I ask you, please don't judge me, please don't judge anyone, on how they choose to cope with their miscarriage because in doing so what you're actually doing is judging their emotional state, something you do not have the right nor insight into their psyche to do. It is a painful enough experience without someone weighing and measuring your response and somehow deciding it is wrong.
Thursday, 23 March 2017
Wednesday, 8 March 2017
Anger
Everything makes me angry at the moment, literally everything.
I've screamed at an old woman driving because she lacked the awareness to see I was waiting on a pedestrian crossing to cross the road. She didn't hear me so apparently she's deaf as well as blind.
I honked my car horn at a couple driving - first they pulled out on me causing me to have to break sharply, then later on down the road they indicated and pulled in last minute but didn't pull in properly so caused me to have to swerve round them. Apparently Kellogs are giving out licences in their boxes of bran flakes.
Unhelpful and insensitive words of wisdom. 3 separate people have said, "You'll just have to keep trying" like we're talking about reaching the next level on a game or solving a mathematical sum. Not to sit on the fence here but that advice is about as comforting and useful as titts on a fish.
People telling me what it's okay to feel - EVERYTHING I feel is OKAY to feel but thanks for the validation.
People judging me on how I am or am not dealing with this, everyone is entitled to their opinion just as I'm entitled to say you can stick your judgement where the sun don't shine.
The new series of Girls...utter vomit inducing drivel. The characters' incessant narcissistic whining is, I hope, complete fiction, surely no one in reality can be that egotistical.
Fighting the company the military have outsourced housing to over getting our pet dander infested and piss stained carpets changed. It seems we have very different understanding of what an "acceptable standard" is, theirs is scraping the bottom of the hygiene barrel and mine is not having to take two antihistamines a day in addition to apologising to every guest we have.
Not being a able to move on and have closure. I'm still bleeding and no one can tell me how long this is going to last, psychologically this is a torturous reminder of the fact I carried my baby for four weeks while it had already died. My womb was a birth grave.
I've screamed at an old woman driving because she lacked the awareness to see I was waiting on a pedestrian crossing to cross the road. She didn't hear me so apparently she's deaf as well as blind.
I honked my car horn at a couple driving - first they pulled out on me causing me to have to break sharply, then later on down the road they indicated and pulled in last minute but didn't pull in properly so caused me to have to swerve round them. Apparently Kellogs are giving out licences in their boxes of bran flakes.
Unhelpful and insensitive words of wisdom. 3 separate people have said, "You'll just have to keep trying" like we're talking about reaching the next level on a game or solving a mathematical sum. Not to sit on the fence here but that advice is about as comforting and useful as titts on a fish.
People telling me what it's okay to feel - EVERYTHING I feel is OKAY to feel but thanks for the validation.
People judging me on how I am or am not dealing with this, everyone is entitled to their opinion just as I'm entitled to say you can stick your judgement where the sun don't shine.
The new series of Girls...utter vomit inducing drivel. The characters' incessant narcissistic whining is, I hope, complete fiction, surely no one in reality can be that egotistical.
Fighting the company the military have outsourced housing to over getting our pet dander infested and piss stained carpets changed. It seems we have very different understanding of what an "acceptable standard" is, theirs is scraping the bottom of the hygiene barrel and mine is not having to take two antihistamines a day in addition to apologising to every guest we have.
Not being a able to move on and have closure. I'm still bleeding and no one can tell me how long this is going to last, psychologically this is a torturous reminder of the fact I carried my baby for four weeks while it had already died. My womb was a birth grave.
Thursday, 2 March 2017
Raw
I've rolled the idea of posting about this in my head for a while now, the long and short of it was that while I was thinking about it all I was actually talking to myself and drafting a post...
I'm going through a missed miscarriage.
The bleeding started Thursday, nothing much, just spotting. This continued for a few days, in fact right up until my first mid wife's appointment on Tuesday. The cramping was worse than my cycle, not excruciating but definitely enough to make me feel sick. I mentioned it but obviously prior to that I had googled the shit out of it. You do. Every body does. I was told 'implantation bleeding' and nothing to worry about, was I worried??? I don't think that I was, I mean I must have been because I mentioned it and had googled the shit out of it but stressing?... No, not particularly.
Then Tuesday night the bleeding started just as we were going to bed. I sobbed, loudly and inconsolably while L stared at me with that hopeless expression of a man who is watching his wife, his soul mate, the love of his life, grieve. We both knew.
That night I lay in bed next to him, listening to him snore and smiled through my tears, oddly amused and glad that one of us was... was what? Sleeping, that there was some kind of normalcy to the situation. I don't know. I just know my heart swelled.
Tired I phoned my GP's surgery and incoherently talked them through what was happening and had happened. They were all very nice and tried to comfort me but to be honest I was too far gone at that point for anything anyone said or could have said to be heard. I was given an appointment for the following day. I remember being so angry that I had to wait, in the state that I was in, for another 24 hours before I could have a scan. It felt like torture, the mental and emotional torment was hideous but I wanted, no needed, to be alone so I sent L into work.
All day the grief and guilt came in Tsunami-esq waves that battered me to the point of being doubled up over the sink as I cried and drowned in my emotions. I knew, in my heart that Peanut was gone, I was never going to see them on a scan, I was never going to hold them in my arms, I was never going to hear the rustle of their nappy as they padded into our room from theirs, and I was never going to watch them sleeping on daddy. While I mourned the loss of Peanut, I tried not to remember the private scan we had booked, or the sleeping cot donated by the friends who were sleuth like in their working out I was pregnant, or the ticket we had booked to the US for Christmas, or even the names we'd picked: Scarlet Elizabeth or Maximilian Christopher.
Underneath the mourning was the guilt, L and I had been rather subdued when we discovered I was pregnant. It had taken me a good couple of weeks to process being it and all that it meant. For me that means fighting the urge to be overwhelmed and terrified of the unknown. It had taken that long for me to get over the thought 'but timing is shit'. We had so much going on, L's Gramps had had a heart attack over Christmas, his parents now US citizens still hadn't sorted out their passports so we'd spent a good few days helping out with that. We both worked full time up until we moved house, L went straight into work because he had to leaving me to deal with the physical move out and move in, plus all the Kafka-esq bureaucracy that comes along with dealing with the Military and housing standards. I didn't have a job but was registering with agencies, applying for them, attending interviews....Sheesh I could go on... but why? So when I knew Peanut was gone I felt such guilt, had they known? Had they felt like they wouldn't be loved or weren't wanted? I can't bare that thought, it rips me apart.
At the hospital today I had my blood pressure taken and peed in a cup, I was still giving a positive on the test. The scan image wasn't great so the nurse used an internal camera, I'm sure she told me the name but... the details are lost on me. She asked me to wait and see the doctor because there was a small sac but nothing definitive.
The doctor was calm and kind as he told me I'd lost Peanut, Peanut measured 0.4 and was showing as 5 weeks with no heartbeat. I was meant to be 9 or 10. I had a missed miscarriage which was why my body was still displaying pregnancy symptoms and I'd need to come back a week later for a scan but he really was very sorry.
Some how I've come back from the hospital phoned to cancel the private scan, left a voicemail for the mid wife cancelling my 16 week appointment and letting her know what's happened, filled out questionnaires for my new job, sorted car insurance and done chores.
I can't bare the thought that Peanut may have felt unloved or unwanted, nor that I may potentially have to carry them inside for another week before getting medical help.
My heart is truly breaking.
I'm going through a missed miscarriage.
The bleeding started Thursday, nothing much, just spotting. This continued for a few days, in fact right up until my first mid wife's appointment on Tuesday. The cramping was worse than my cycle, not excruciating but definitely enough to make me feel sick. I mentioned it but obviously prior to that I had googled the shit out of it. You do. Every body does. I was told 'implantation bleeding' and nothing to worry about, was I worried??? I don't think that I was, I mean I must have been because I mentioned it and had googled the shit out of it but stressing?... No, not particularly.
Then Tuesday night the bleeding started just as we were going to bed. I sobbed, loudly and inconsolably while L stared at me with that hopeless expression of a man who is watching his wife, his soul mate, the love of his life, grieve. We both knew.
That night I lay in bed next to him, listening to him snore and smiled through my tears, oddly amused and glad that one of us was... was what? Sleeping, that there was some kind of normalcy to the situation. I don't know. I just know my heart swelled.
Tired I phoned my GP's surgery and incoherently talked them through what was happening and had happened. They were all very nice and tried to comfort me but to be honest I was too far gone at that point for anything anyone said or could have said to be heard. I was given an appointment for the following day. I remember being so angry that I had to wait, in the state that I was in, for another 24 hours before I could have a scan. It felt like torture, the mental and emotional torment was hideous but I wanted, no needed, to be alone so I sent L into work.
All day the grief and guilt came in Tsunami-esq waves that battered me to the point of being doubled up over the sink as I cried and drowned in my emotions. I knew, in my heart that Peanut was gone, I was never going to see them on a scan, I was never going to hold them in my arms, I was never going to hear the rustle of their nappy as they padded into our room from theirs, and I was never going to watch them sleeping on daddy. While I mourned the loss of Peanut, I tried not to remember the private scan we had booked, or the sleeping cot donated by the friends who were sleuth like in their working out I was pregnant, or the ticket we had booked to the US for Christmas, or even the names we'd picked: Scarlet Elizabeth or Maximilian Christopher.
Underneath the mourning was the guilt, L and I had been rather subdued when we discovered I was pregnant. It had taken me a good couple of weeks to process being it and all that it meant. For me that means fighting the urge to be overwhelmed and terrified of the unknown. It had taken that long for me to get over the thought 'but timing is shit'. We had so much going on, L's Gramps had had a heart attack over Christmas, his parents now US citizens still hadn't sorted out their passports so we'd spent a good few days helping out with that. We both worked full time up until we moved house, L went straight into work because he had to leaving me to deal with the physical move out and move in, plus all the Kafka-esq bureaucracy that comes along with dealing with the Military and housing standards. I didn't have a job but was registering with agencies, applying for them, attending interviews....Sheesh I could go on... but why? So when I knew Peanut was gone I felt such guilt, had they known? Had they felt like they wouldn't be loved or weren't wanted? I can't bare that thought, it rips me apart.
At the hospital today I had my blood pressure taken and peed in a cup, I was still giving a positive on the test. The scan image wasn't great so the nurse used an internal camera, I'm sure she told me the name but... the details are lost on me. She asked me to wait and see the doctor because there was a small sac but nothing definitive.
The doctor was calm and kind as he told me I'd lost Peanut, Peanut measured 0.4 and was showing as 5 weeks with no heartbeat. I was meant to be 9 or 10. I had a missed miscarriage which was why my body was still displaying pregnancy symptoms and I'd need to come back a week later for a scan but he really was very sorry.
Some how I've come back from the hospital phoned to cancel the private scan, left a voicemail for the mid wife cancelling my 16 week appointment and letting her know what's happened, filled out questionnaires for my new job, sorted car insurance and done chores.
I can't bare the thought that Peanut may have felt unloved or unwanted, nor that I may potentially have to carry them inside for another week before getting medical help.
My heart is truly breaking.
Tuesday, 25 October 2016
Here and Now
un|cer¦tain¦ty
[ʌnˈsəːt(ə)nti]
NOUN
the state of being uncertain:
"times of uncertainty and danger"
synonyms: unpredictability · unreliability · riskiness · chanciness · precariousness · unsureness · changeability · changeableness · variability · inconstancy · fitfulness · fickleness · unsureness · lack of certainty · indecision · irresolution · hesitancy · doubt · doubtfulness · wavering · vacillation · equivocation · vagueness · ambivalence · lack of conviction · disquiet · disquietude · wariness · chariness · scepticism · queries · questions · dubiety · incertitude · hesitancy · tentativeness · unsureness · lack of confidence · diffidence · doubtfulness · doubt (uncertainties)
something that is uncertain or that causes one to feel uncertain:
"financial uncertainties" synonyms: doubt · qualm · misgiving · apprehension · [More]
Pretty much sums up what's going on at the moment.
[ʌnˈsəːt(ə)nti]
NOUN
the state of being uncertain:
"times of uncertainty and danger"
synonyms: unpredictability · unreliability · riskiness · chanciness · precariousness · unsureness · changeability · changeableness · variability · inconstancy · fitfulness · fickleness · unsureness · lack of certainty · indecision · irresolution · hesitancy · doubt · doubtfulness · wavering · vacillation · equivocation · vagueness · ambivalence · lack of conviction · disquiet · disquietude · wariness · chariness · scepticism · queries · questions · dubiety · incertitude · hesitancy · tentativeness · unsureness · lack of confidence · diffidence · doubtfulness · doubt (uncertainties)
something that is uncertain or that causes one to feel uncertain:
"financial uncertainties" synonyms: doubt · qualm · misgiving · apprehension · [More]
Pretty much sums up what's going on at the moment.
Thursday, 13 October 2016
To Accept It Is What It Is
Have you ever had a relationship which hasn't taken the shape you wanted? Have you ever had expectations for a relationship only to find no matter what your ideals they aren't being fulfilled?
I find myself in this exact situation and I wonder at what point I am just going to accept it for what it is and stop trying to shape it into something it isn't, and I dare say won't ever be, and save myself the heartache and disappointment.
This person and I have been in each other's lives for nearly twenty years, they have known me since I was a babe in the arms of mother and I am apart of their family, yet... We have no emotional connection and there is little affection between us.
We don't argue or fight but to not exchange hostile words doesn't mean we get on. Or have a relationship. To say we don't or haven't exchanged 'hostile words' is being liberal with the truth, there have been numerous occasions in which this person has flung barbed comments in my direction both one-on-one and in a public environment. I don't respond for varying reasons; my mumma didn't raise me to be spiteful or vindictive and the escalation of negativity would only cause heartache to many.
It makes me very disappointed that we don't share a bond, that we don't do the kind of things together I assumed, however wrongly because to assume is to make an Ass out of yoU and ME, that we would in our special relationship. It confuses me that I not only don't understand this person's cold demeanour and random acts of spitefulness, I also don't understand why after so many years of our relationship not meeting my expectations I still continue to hope it will.
If I'm thoughtful about the whole situation I find it is me that is at fault, it is me who is and has been trying to impose my 'idea' of how things ought to be on us. The reality is I should stop tormenting myself with what isn't and can never be and respect what we have. I ought to accept it is what it is. And move on.
I find myself in this exact situation and I wonder at what point I am just going to accept it for what it is and stop trying to shape it into something it isn't, and I dare say won't ever be, and save myself the heartache and disappointment.
This person and I have been in each other's lives for nearly twenty years, they have known me since I was a babe in the arms of mother and I am apart of their family, yet... We have no emotional connection and there is little affection between us.
We don't argue or fight but to not exchange hostile words doesn't mean we get on. Or have a relationship. To say we don't or haven't exchanged 'hostile words' is being liberal with the truth, there have been numerous occasions in which this person has flung barbed comments in my direction both one-on-one and in a public environment. I don't respond for varying reasons; my mumma didn't raise me to be spiteful or vindictive and the escalation of negativity would only cause heartache to many.
It makes me very disappointed that we don't share a bond, that we don't do the kind of things together I assumed, however wrongly because to assume is to make an Ass out of yoU and ME, that we would in our special relationship. It confuses me that I not only don't understand this person's cold demeanour and random acts of spitefulness, I also don't understand why after so many years of our relationship not meeting my expectations I still continue to hope it will.
If I'm thoughtful about the whole situation I find it is me that is at fault, it is me who is and has been trying to impose my 'idea' of how things ought to be on us. The reality is I should stop tormenting myself with what isn't and can never be and respect what we have. I ought to accept it is what it is. And move on.
Wednesday, 12 October 2016
Things That Happen When L Goes Away
L is away for the next two weeks fulfilling his work duties, I keep telling myself that since we'll be moving in the new year and it's going to be a regular occurrence again (that's different issue, sorry post, for another day) I'd better get used to it.
So as not to drown in my own misery I'd thought I'd keep this post lighthearted and let you in on what really happens whilst he's away...
1. I stay up passed my bedtime every night, obviously I tell him I am NOT doing this because it's a hell of a lot easier than explaining rubbish tv is fascinating.
2. I will eat an entire bag of sharing popcorn to myself in one sitting. At 111 calories per serving that's nearly 2,400 calories in a 'snack'. Have just literally put the bag out of reach!
3. I will get into my pjs as soon as I get home from work, when L is here he at least makes me wait until 18:00. Don't know why he bothers, it's not like we are expecting guests.
4. I will watch every z list celebrity film on the Hallmark channel I can find, if not that then Snapped or Fatal Vows. L seriously mocks me for this like Westerns and War films are sssoooo much more entertaining.
5. I will graze listlessly on just about everything and anything without really eating a whole proper meal, apparently when he goes away so does my ability to make a decision on what I fancy to eat. As a whole meal.
6. I will take 2 days to clean the house instead of the few hours it usually takes. I have to space these things out, you know, to stave off the boredom.
7. I will suddenly forget to pick up after myself and have a habit of 'shedding' clothes. This sounds worse than it actually is, by the I mean I will leave my dirty clothes in a heap on the floor either in the bedroom or bathroom and just not bring them down stairs straight away. It's that staving off boredom thing again. I promise. I will swear when L calls that I haven't turned into hurricane Catrina (his nickname, one of many for me) and am keeping the place neat and tidy.
8. I will snack on cheese and think this is an entirely appropriate snack as it's got calcium in it. I will pretend I haven't when he returns.
9. I will drag out an old teddy he got me about twelve years ago and sleep with it. I know, I know, I'm a 38 year old woman who sleeps with a bear.
10. I will not tell him that I miss him so he doesn't feel bad about leaving me.
Ten years dating (yes I know I take my time) plus eight years of marriage and my routine of bad habits when he goes way hasn't changed. I'm sure they're why he fell in love with me.
So as not to drown in my own misery I'd thought I'd keep this post lighthearted and let you in on what really happens whilst he's away...
1. I stay up passed my bedtime every night, obviously I tell him I am NOT doing this because it's a hell of a lot easier than explaining rubbish tv is fascinating.
2. I will eat an entire bag of sharing popcorn to myself in one sitting. At 111 calories per serving that's nearly 2,400 calories in a 'snack'. Have just literally put the bag out of reach!
3. I will get into my pjs as soon as I get home from work, when L is here he at least makes me wait until 18:00. Don't know why he bothers, it's not like we are expecting guests.
4. I will watch every z list celebrity film on the Hallmark channel I can find, if not that then Snapped or Fatal Vows. L seriously mocks me for this like Westerns and War films are sssoooo much more entertaining.
5. I will graze listlessly on just about everything and anything without really eating a whole proper meal, apparently when he goes away so does my ability to make a decision on what I fancy to eat. As a whole meal.
6. I will take 2 days to clean the house instead of the few hours it usually takes. I have to space these things out, you know, to stave off the boredom.
7. I will suddenly forget to pick up after myself and have a habit of 'shedding' clothes. This sounds worse than it actually is, by the I mean I will leave my dirty clothes in a heap on the floor either in the bedroom or bathroom and just not bring them down stairs straight away. It's that staving off boredom thing again. I promise. I will swear when L calls that I haven't turned into hurricane Catrina (his nickname, one of many for me) and am keeping the place neat and tidy.
8. I will snack on cheese and think this is an entirely appropriate snack as it's got calcium in it. I will pretend I haven't when he returns.
9. I will drag out an old teddy he got me about twelve years ago and sleep with it. I know, I know, I'm a 38 year old woman who sleeps with a bear.
10. I will not tell him that I miss him so he doesn't feel bad about leaving me.
Ten years dating (yes I know I take my time) plus eight years of marriage and my routine of bad habits when he goes way hasn't changed. I'm sure they're why he fell in love with me.
Wednesday Wonderings
It has indeed been a while since I knocked one of these up, I've been very busy this summer more or less living out of our car as L and I have been up and down England, and here, there and everywhere in Italy. It was almost a relief to start school and work again. Almost.
1. Why can't all the consultants at the supply agency I work for give clear information, you know like the postcode of where you're going, the year group, if there is planning... Apparently it's rocket science!
2. When should I decorate for Autumn? Part of me is itching to and the other part doesn't relish digging about in the cupboard under the stairs. There will be spiders and I will scream.
3. Why do I stay up and eat rubbish when L goes away? It's like I turn into a rebellious child! What do you mean LIKE, you do turn into a child!
4. Will I get that job of teaching 3 days a week for 6 weeks? You can but hope. And smile nicely, but don't show too much teeth, you look like you're snarling when you do that.
5. When will they change our windows and doors? Everyone is having them done where we live but I'd bet my last £10 that it won't be before we move and can therefore feel the benefit with a lower heating bill. Yeah, so that will be the day you move out!
6. Why are some people so doom and gloom? Sheesh! It's exhausting listening to their misery! Which is why you stop listening when they resist your attempts to cheer them up. You're nice like that.
7. Why does toast always land buttered side down when you drop it? Because it's the last slice and you really, really want it.
8. Why are my dreams so weird at the moment? I actualLy dreamt about having a temper tantrum over people not making enough fuss of me and my birthday! What a diva.
9. If I promise myself that I'll go to bed and try to sleep at a reasonable hour, will I actually do it? Not in this life time, apparently you like looking haggard.
10. Is there anything more despicable than football hooligans? Yes but it makes you sad to think of them, so don't.
11. What can you do with a child who kicks another child simply because they are in their way? Communicate with them, put consequences in place and repeat, repeat, repeat.
12. Will I ever stop jumping every time my phone lights up or vibrates in case it is a call for work from the agency? Probably not anytime soon.
13. Can I be more excited about my mumma coming to visit in a few weeks? Yes, but not too excited you might pee yourself, since going back to work and having to hold your bladder for hours at a time it's not as strong as it used to be.
14. Will L and I get the kind of house we've requested when we move? Truth is I'd be happy with any house as I know there are people the world over without one. Patience Natasha.
15. Where has my gym mojo gone? To the bottom of a crisp packet at a guess.
16. Am I seriously down to my last £40 in my account? Ah man! Yes, so get off the Internet and stop torturing yourself with what you can't have!
1. Why can't all the consultants at the supply agency I work for give clear information, you know like the postcode of where you're going, the year group, if there is planning... Apparently it's rocket science!
2. When should I decorate for Autumn? Part of me is itching to and the other part doesn't relish digging about in the cupboard under the stairs. There will be spiders and I will scream.
3. Why do I stay up and eat rubbish when L goes away? It's like I turn into a rebellious child! What do you mean LIKE, you do turn into a child!
4. Will I get that job of teaching 3 days a week for 6 weeks? You can but hope. And smile nicely, but don't show too much teeth, you look like you're snarling when you do that.
5. When will they change our windows and doors? Everyone is having them done where we live but I'd bet my last £10 that it won't be before we move and can therefore feel the benefit with a lower heating bill. Yeah, so that will be the day you move out!
6. Why are some people so doom and gloom? Sheesh! It's exhausting listening to their misery! Which is why you stop listening when they resist your attempts to cheer them up. You're nice like that.
7. Why does toast always land buttered side down when you drop it? Because it's the last slice and you really, really want it.
8. Why are my dreams so weird at the moment? I actualLy dreamt about having a temper tantrum over people not making enough fuss of me and my birthday! What a diva.
9. If I promise myself that I'll go to bed and try to sleep at a reasonable hour, will I actually do it? Not in this life time, apparently you like looking haggard.
10. Is there anything more despicable than football hooligans? Yes but it makes you sad to think of them, so don't.
11. What can you do with a child who kicks another child simply because they are in their way? Communicate with them, put consequences in place and repeat, repeat, repeat.
12. Will I ever stop jumping every time my phone lights up or vibrates in case it is a call for work from the agency? Probably not anytime soon.
13. Can I be more excited about my mumma coming to visit in a few weeks? Yes, but not too excited you might pee yourself, since going back to work and having to hold your bladder for hours at a time it's not as strong as it used to be.
14. Will L and I get the kind of house we've requested when we move? Truth is I'd be happy with any house as I know there are people the world over without one. Patience Natasha.
15. Where has my gym mojo gone? To the bottom of a crisp packet at a guess.
16. Am I seriously down to my last £40 in my account? Ah man! Yes, so get off the Internet and stop torturing yourself with what you can't have!
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